relativelyrational

[relativelyrational]

Anxiety - The Cycle of Me

Anxiety and my struggle with it have been present in my life for as long as I can remember. While for some the smells and colours of spring bring about ideas of renewal and growth they have always taken me back to weekly moments of panic brought on by whatever track meeting that I felt obliged to attend. This weekly cycle of tension and release gradually building as the events supposed importance increased. At the age of 10, I was unaware of what these feelings of fear and self-doubt actually meant and assumed they were a necessary part of the 'athletic' experience. It was only at 15 once I left sports behind did I realise that these feeling were not just byproducts of competition but personal aspects of my own being.

I can recall pinning the entirety of these intense sessions of panic on competition and team-related activities and assured myself that if I only gave up on these pursuits which I did not particularly enjoy I would be free of stress. I was naive. To my disappointment, the focus of my anxiety which as of then was yet to be named switched to social situations. I could no longer walk to a shop located mere yards away from my home without obsessing about the various people who I could meet along the way and the awkward interactions I could have with the owners who at this point had known me my whole life. It was also at this point I began to find myself obsessing about being attacked by groups of teenagers. If returning from a walk or home from school I would turn around if I noticed a group in the distance, I would try to find an alternative path home only to turn again when a new group appeared. This process would sometimes take an hour or more just to walk what would have been a few minutes.

I was 16 when I began to struggle with the friend group I had built in school. I had developed friendships built around common interests and ideas and at school and lucky to feel safe an included but I struggled to take this outside of this environment. My friends live further away, I will have to meet new people, walking home could be dangerous. I was constantly coming up with excuses as to why I couldn't meet them. Even after, pushing myself to my limits and making the effort to get involved after a couple of months I couldn't continue. The fear became too much. I retreated to my room.

At this point, my lack of effort was being noticed by my friends. My relationship with them in school became strained and I found myself being the butt of many of their jokes. They even coined a new term for backing out of something based on my nickname which would be used for years into the future. I didn't blame them then and I still don't. They presumed I didn't care about it and I couldn't tell them otherwise. Despite developing a distant attitude I yearned to be out with them. I would build myself up each week, let them know I would be there and then as the event grew closer develop an overwhelming fear and uncertainty and drop out, sometimes without letting them know. I would spend all night ruminating about what I had missed out on and have this confirmed on Monday mornings. When asked I would say I was busy again, despite wanting to let them know that I was sorry and I wish I could have gone. After a year of this, I was exhausted. I felt lost and alone and couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. Luckily, my parents had noticed and stepped in to guide me to help.

My relationship with my parents had always been great and I realise the privilege this gave me. They set up a meeting with a therapist and over the course of a few months, we learned about the anxiety I was facing as well as ways of helping me build passed it. Even now, I can clearly remember an underlying feeling of fear. A fear that if it didn't work out or last what would I do then, what would be next because I couldn't go back to the way I was.

Luckily, my therapy sessions gave me a new way of dealing with situations that scared me and I found myself able to return to socialising, being less fearful of what people thought about me and every possible danger I may face walking through Dublin on a Tuesday afternoon. It was freeing. A door was opened to a world I- never thought I would get to be a part of. I even managed to meet a girl. Which at the time seemed an impossibility. The new life I had created for myself almost matched the lofty goals I had set for myself on those weekend evenings alone in my room. I also succeeded in getting accepted to a university studying science which had been a goal of mine since I was a child. Everything looked so bright and the fear that things would return to how they were subsided as that idea felt less realistic each passing day.