rejoice-write-your-feelings-here

[rejoice-write-your-feelings-here]

Recently I read something good from gray folie's strip 'heart to art.'

"Fiction is special; it shares feelings. You exist in the story because anyone can feel the pain that is you. ... I've been making stories for a while now, though. The only problem is that no one has felt my pain. They feel their own."

It got me thinking more about the way that I consume media. Especially things that are so emotionally charged -- when it's clear that the author/artist put some of themselves into the work. Works of self-expression like that are deeply interesting to me, but I feel now that I've been consuming such things a bit selfishly. Or self-centeredly. Until now, I think I've only really been absorbing stuff like that while only thinking about how I am being affected by it. Focusing on my personal reactions and feelings. I felt my pain, saw myself reflected in the work rather than catching a glimpse into the pain of the author.

I thought further about what I think about when I recommend a piece of media to someone else. Do I recommend a book, or show, or webcomic to someone because I want them to look at it through their eyes -- or do I want them to look at it through my eyes? Do I want them to take away something unique for themselves or do I want them to get out of it what I got out of it? I kind of realized I'm selfish like this. I want someone to read what I recommend to them through my eyes and my brain and my pain.

I'm curious now about other authors/artists who write their own pain into their work. Do they just want to express themselves -- to get that pain out, or do they want their audience to feel how they feel, or do they want their audience to draw their own interpretation? As an artist and a storyteller, do I want people to feel my pain or do I want them to feel their own?

[rejoice-write-your-feelings-here]

i hate the idea of self diagnosing myself with mental illness but also know that im suffering when i dont know whats wrong with me but also i dont have the guts to talk about my ideation with my therapist. i know she probably wont like, call the cops on me or put me in inpatient or anything, ig im just paranoid.

in the same vein i really want to talk about not just suicidal ideation bc thats less severe but like, injury ideation. like i always think about getting hit by a bus or getting in a coma or being in an accident where i dont die just so i can like, take a break or have an excuse to suffer? i feel like im really struggling and suffering but bc other ppl cant actually see it tangibly that they wont believe me. like if i said i was struggling with finding the will to keep going and not just lay in bed all day i dont think theyd believe me bc i dont... do that. just bc im not a severe danger to myself or engaging in extreme or self destructive behavior doesnt mean im not unhappy or suffering!

ugh maybe i should just link this blog to my parents lol. havent brushed my teeth in a while and i need to wash my face :( anyway i feel like i have no future

[rejoice-write-your-feelings-here]

creative outlets have been poisoned for me lately. i absolutely adore drawing but i havent been able to make something i was satisfied with in a while. i really want to experiment with different poses and framings. its even worse that i know the solution is just to practice my figures more.

tbh i feel like i havent had time for anything lately. i could have all the time in the world but not have time for anything. im hopelessly behind in stats and i have a test tomorrow that i don't understand any of the material of. its fine bc im just gonna cheat on it anyway. i dont feel satisfied with anything! i feel happy and sad and angry and frustrated, but those are temporary. i hate thinking that i will die with regrets and this is the time to do things so i wont regret not doing anything when im old and i just!! cant! i feel paralyzed but at least i have the energy to write these things here.

[rejoice-write-your-feelings-here]

currently contending with my desire to be famous. like, do i actually want to be famous or do i just not want to be forgotten? i find death to be very frightening. even if heaven and hell are not real, i am still afraid of being nothing after i die. i think i would rather go to hell than to just not exist. i really hope theres some kind of soul and something happens after we die but at this point i dont know. im not super religious but i do want to go to church after covid is over and ask the pastors some questions. i want to know what they think about the morality of god. like, is an infinite punishment justified for a finite crime? is hell something that a benevolent god would create? if god truly loves his creations, why would he condemn a large amount of them to hell? here's a zinger: 'did you grow up christian, and if you had not or had grown up with some other religion, do you think you would still be christian today?' or 'what role should the church play in serving the community? why is our church not open all the time to those in need? are we really serving our community well as we are now?' what do they think god's ultimate goal is? god seems like kind of a jerk :(

[rejoice-write-your-feelings-here]

i hate crying. its always over something stupid too. mostly im conflicted over if i dont want people to see me cry or not. if they see me i feel manipulative and like im being an attention seeker. or they're gonna ask me whats wrong or why im crying and i!! dont know!!! and if i cry alone and try to be quiet i feel like i am suffering in silence and not being honest with people. either way i guess im a liar.

[rejoice-write-your-feelings-here]

lately ive been feeling unappreciated. it seems like everything i do well is just expected of me and not worth praise or compliment. everything i hear is about the things i do wrong. i feel like im trying so hard it seems like nobody notices that im doing a lot and im doimg my best. i know that nobody's perfect but sometimes it feels like they expect me to be. id give anything for my parents to tell me that they see how hard i work and that they are seeing me try my best.