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reidmaniac · 25 days

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read this at 5 in the morning, not what i needed.

let the grass grow | spencer reid

summary; you love spencer too let him stay while your world falls apart at your own hands.

warnings; hurt x comfort w no comfort, exes, angst w no happy ending, self depricating thoughts, insecurities, self sabotaging, avoidant attachment reader, fem reader, early seasons spencer, mentions of not eating, scars but never says whats from, arguments, but u guys love each other. its just sad tbh. 1.7k words

an; this is purely for my own sake and i wanted to make it a comfort but i genuinely couldn't bc this is a very real and relevant issue that no comfort seems to comfort so.. enjoy the pain?? song is let the grass grow by ruel, my man my man.

‘so I'll leave before you go, ‘cause there's no tears when it's my fault this self-sabotage, all of our other scars don't compare. take the river to the sea, drown myself, so I don't sink, find my peace there, underneath the hurricane, break a promise, so I can leave, burn a forest so i can sleep. lay my head stone and let the grass grow over me’

You could feel eyes on you everywhere, constantly throughout the entirety of the day. Even though deep down you knew no one was really staring at you the amount you built it up to in your mind. Constant judgement and quiet questioning from the gaze of your co-workers made your stomach fill with an overwhelming sense of sickness, it made you want to crawl into a hole and remain there in a foetal position for the rest of the time life offered you.

Quiet whispers of worry bounced around the building from your co-workers to one another, each one who had asked if you were okay throughout the day – multiple times, every to which you’d reply with a nod of your head and a forced smile on your lips that left indents on your cheeks, when your eyes remained the same distant and sullen that caused their worry in the first place.

It wasn’t until you were leaving the building you heard the same question after a whisper of your name, but from Spencer.

Your head turned towards him faster than you meant it to, you swore any faster and you would’ve ended the day with not only a worse mood than you woke up in but also whiplash. Your eyes met his and you wished they didn’t. The care is held and balanced evenly in his eyes, causing a slither in the walls you had built up around yourself and everything that fell below surface level.

“Are you okay?” His eyes studied your face as if he would find any hint of truth in your expression since he knew better than to believe the lie that fell from your lips. Spencer Reid wasn’t an idiot, anyone and everyone was painfully aware of that, you were painfully aware of that. He hadn’t asked the question the same amount everyone else did, he hadn’t even talked to you today until now.

You nodded in response, casting your eyes away from his and back to the elevator you wished would hurry up. Two weeks, it had been two weeks since you broke up with Spencer, it had been two weeks of Spencer everyday asking you why, and it had been two weeks of you being unable to provide an answer that seemed good enough for him. Nothing you said seemed to help him understand why you would break off something that was going so well, that made you both evidently happy, everyone could see it, everyone watched you both pine after one another for years.

“Talk to me” He begged for what felt like – and probably was, the hundredth time.

Your head shook, because what were you supposed to say? What did he want you to say? You didn’t know and for you that meant you were better off not saying anything, maybe because the truth you fought to keep away from the open air seemed so pathetic and embarrassing it was better left unsaid. He was asking you to show him the deepest and worst parts of you and you were refusing and he just wouldn’t let it go.

“I don’t have anything to say” You replied, the same response as every other time he asked. It wasn’t enough, not for Spencer because he knew it wasn’t true.

He frowned, and it broke your heart.

“I just want to understand,” He pleaded with you, reaching out for your hand. You pulled it away, what you were doing was mean, you knew that, it was unfair and mean to both him and yourself. Depriving you both of what you both wanted and yearned for so deeply all because you constantly felt like the world was closing in on you and things fell apart under your touch, it was just mean – but you weren’t cruel enough to allow Spencer the touch of your hand to pull it back all over again.

“I wish you would” You mumbled out, muffled enough you could convince yourself he didn’t hear even though you knew he did. You didn’t intend to be mean with your words, you wished he understood that you were physically incapable of what he was asking from you, it wasn’t something you could bring yourself to do.

The elevator dinged and the door opened and you were thanking the world, until Spencer got on next to you and now you were left in a confined space with the one person who seemed to break through the box of self deprecation you would bury yourself into, time and time again. You didn’t want him there, you didn’t want him in your space, in your mind and in the middle of your emotions that took you down day in and day out.

You wanted him, that wasn’t something you tried to hide, just something you deprived yourself of because you didn’t want him to want you, you didn’t even want you. The fact someone else could, someone like Spencer, was overwhelming in a number of ways and it only furthered the insecurity that consumed you.

“I’m here, I know there’s more than what you’re letting on.” He said, you wanted to appreciate his effort of reassurance but it didn’t help. You loved Spencer, and you were now certain he was the sweetest person to ever exist. How could you allow yourself to indulge in something so sweet and so pure when you deemed yourself the opposite. You fell apart and buried yourself in your own issues, you spent days lying in the darkness of your bedroom body starved and scarred, you’d mull over every mistake you ever made and everything in your life that should have belonged to someone more deserving.

You didn’t answer him, so he spoke again. “I have been and I'm going to be here until you’re ready to talk about it” his voice was gentle and dripping with reassurance you wish you could accept because his words were suppose to be reassuring but they left a bad taste in your mouth and just made your heart clench tighter in your chest to the point you thought it might’ve stopped beating.

“I didn’t ask you to do that.” You said, not turning your head to face him but you were sure enough that they best portrayed what you were feeling, too much.

He let out a breath, a sigh of a sort and shook his head as he spoke, “I never said you did, I don’t mind waiting for you–”

There it was.

“I don’t want you to do that.” You snapped slightly, guilt instantly infested your gut but you couldn’t help it. You didn’t need him to wait around for this feeling to go away because it never did, your entire life, it never had and you didn’t imagine that changing. “I don’t want you to wait for me, Spencer. I don’t want you to just wait around for something that’s never going to happen, this won’t change. I made my decision” you huffed out the most you had said to him since that night you ended things which consisted of a teary eyed argument.

He dragged his hands through his hair as he tried to figure out what to say, then the elevator came to a stop and you were moving off it quicker than his brain could process and then he was following you and he was reaching out for your hand, even though he knew better by now. “You said you loved me, you said that while you were breaking up with me. You said you loved me and that you were sorry, you couldn’t do it anymore and then gave me nothing else” He stated, his eyes pleading for some sort of answer, something he could blame himself for.

That's not what you wanted, you didn’t want him to blame himself – that was almost a part of the whole point. If he blamed you for this, if you ended it now then there was no chance it would happen any other way. You could live with him blaming you with this, much better than you could live with getting hurt or inevitably hurting him. “I do love you Spencer” You said, you weren’t going to lie about that.

Your arm pulled away from his touch but he only reached out again, “I’m trying to respect your decision, but I don’t understand. You love me but you don’t want me to wait, you love me but you broke up with me – I just- You’re doing this thing where– you like to shut down and shut everyone out and I don’t want you to do that. If you don’t want to be with me then I’ll respect that but If you think I can stand around and watch you fall apart you don’t know me, and I would really prefer to think you did because for the longest time I thought I knew you and now finding out that maybe I don’t is– Well it sucks.”

You huffed out, you knew it was unfair and contradicting and you almost wished you had never gotten involved in the first place because you hated the fact you were hurting Spencer right now because your emotions were confusing. It was unfair. “I’m sorry” You started. He was right, you knew him and he knew you, on the slightest of a deeper level.

“Don’t do that. Don’t apologise and then brush it off. I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be honest. You keep everyone at arm's reach, on surface level– I want more than that, I want to know you, and understand you, I want to understand this. Tell me what you need and I'll do it, but I need to understand why first.”

How were you supposed to tell the single handedly most sweet, kind and perfect person that you were unable to provide him with the one thing he wanted – to know you. How were you supposed to admit that something as simple as that was too much to ask for.

“There's this expectation that I can't reach, that I never have, never will and I love you, Spencer, that's true – but I'm not going to let you sit around and watch me fail time after time again to reach the expectation of basic human existence.” You shook your head as you pulled your hands away from his grasp, your body turned as you walked away.

He stood calling out your name but his feet stayed glued to the ground, and there was no response from you.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #mania bestie 🦆#lanirecs 🏷️

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reidmaniac · 30 days

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echoes of tomorrow. | spencer reid x fem!reader

warnings: pregnancy, emotional distress, relationship strain, work-related stress, kinda angst with a happy ending, not proofread

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the apartment was eerily quiet, save for the soft ticking of the wall clock. you lay in bed alone, the absence of spencer’s warmth a stark contrast to the cool emptiness surrounding you. his late-night work had become a routine, and tonight, the silence felt heavier than usual.

you stared at the ceiling, the darkness pressing in on you. your thoughts were consumed by the small white pregnancy test on the nightstand, a constant reminder of the life growing inside you. the results had been positive, and you had spent countless sleepless nights wrestling with your fears and uncertainties.

the loneliness was unbearable, amplifying every worry you had. the echo of your thoughts felt like a cruel joke—how could you possibly handle this on your own? the emotional weight was suffocating, and the more you waited, the more the fear that spencer might not be ready for this overwhelmed you.

you glanced at the clock. it was nearly midnight, and spencer’s absence felt like an abyss. every creak of the apartment seemed to mock your solitude, reminding you of the growing distance between you two. you wondered if he would be able to understand, to be there for you when you needed him most.

the soft sound of the apartment door opening startled you from your thoughts. you heard spencer’s tired voice call out, “hey, i’m home.”

your heart sank. you were about to face the reality you had been dreading. you had to tell him, but you could hardly find the strength to get out of bed. after a few moments, you forced yourself to sit up and steady your nerves.

spencer entered the bedroom, his face lined with exhaustion. he tried to smile, but it faltered as he noticed your tear-streaked face. “what’s wrong? why are you crying?”

you took a shaky breath, fighting to keep your voice steady. “spence, there’s something important i need to tell you.”

he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, his concern deepening. you reached for the pregnancy test and handed it to him, your hands trembling.

spencer’s eyes widened as he looked at the test, and for a moment, the room was filled with a heavy silence. his gaze shot back to you, a mixture of shock and worry etched on his face. “are you… are you pregnant?”

you nodded, the tears now flowing freely. “yeah. i’ve been feeling a bit off and i so scared to tell you until i knew. i didn’t want to add more stress to your work, and i didn’t know how to handle this alone. and then i took the test and it confirmed-“

spencer cut you off, cupping your face in his hands and giving you a gentle kiss. it was so gentle, yet so so loving, and you melted into his touch.

as he pulls back, spencer’s expression softens as he placed the test on the nightstand and reached out to hold your hands. “i’m so sorry i wasn’t here earlier. i wish i could have been with you through this. we don’t have to have all the answers right now. we’ll get through this together.”

the sincerity in his voice was a balm to your troubled heart, and the loneliness that had weighed so heavily on you began to ease. you leaned into him, the flood of emotions overcoming you. “i’ve been so afraid, spencer. i didn’t want to burden you, but i couldn’t do this alone.”

spencer wrapped his arms around you, his touch both comforting and reassuring. “you’re not a burden. we’re in this together, and we’ll figure it out. i’m here now, and i promise we’ll face this as a team.”

with his arms around you, the fear and loneliness slowly began to dissipate. the future was still uncertain, but spencer’s presence gave you the strength to face it. the days ahead would be challenging, but with his support, you felt a glimmer of hope.

as you both began to navigate this new chapter, you realized that while the journey might be difficult, it was one you wouldn’t have to face alone. together, you embraced the future with a renewed sense of purpose, ready to build a life for the family you were about to create.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #reidmaniac 🍵#spencer reid x you #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fluff

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