regretsofaghost

[regretsofaghost]

Day 22- My love for you is true, I swear it is, it just will kill you in the end

AO3 link to chapter 22- here Tumblr link to chapter 21- here Tumblr link to chapter 23- here

Word Count- 1400 words

It was gradual, the return to awareness.

Ghosts, as a rule, did not sleep, did not require it, could do it sure, but it was easy to forget, when you are able to distract yourself and never quite feel the fatigue you did while alive.

Ghosts could feel tired, but in a bone-weary sense, a mental fog; never quite enough that were you to close your eyes you would drift off to sleep.

Awareness came one sense at a time.

Warmth.

That was the first thing Edwin felt.

A comforting warmth, a cup of tea beside a cold window, a knitted blanket.

A pressure, constant, like arms wrapped around him. Holding him, not in place, but close, lovingly.

The smell was next, a sensation that was faint, but there, if ever so slightly.

A mix of chemicals and oddly sweet wood, almost covering the smell of tobacco and licorice underneath. Edwin had almost forgotten the smell of licorice, the taste long gone, though that was mainly due to sugar rationing once the Great War was underway.

It was a pleasant moment, a bliss that came about so rarely, especially since Port Townsend.

Edwin turned his head, face pressing against the warmth underneath him, the smell growing stronger as his nose pressed against the pillow beneath him.

Only, it was not a pillow.

Pillows did not move in a breathing motion, did not have a steady thumping tempo beneath layers of flesh and bones, even if it were all unnecessary.

Edwin’s eyes opened slowly, light coming in through the office window, Charles’ head blocking most of it from hitting his eyes directly.

He breathed slowly, in and out, feeling a constricting hand grasp his own chest and squeeze as shame flooded Edwin’s whole body.

CharlesknewCharlesknewCharlesknewCharlesknew-

Charles’ arms squeezed him so gently, and the shame took a back seat, if only for a second, as he began to speak. “Hey, you back with me?”

Edwin nodded slowly, the weariness, that deep emptiness from where his magic usually resided, all of it coming back to him at once, and he slowly began to pull away, to sit up. Charles let him, arms falling to the side as he adjusted on the couch, till Edwin was sitting upright and proper, Charles with one leg bent and tucked beneath him, a handful of centimeters separating them, but they might as well be on opposite corners of the room.

“I am- I must give you my sincerest apologies Charles. For forcing you to see me like that-“ Edwin began, eyes straight forward and hands carefully laid on his thighs.

One was wrapped in Charles’ handkerchief.

What had he done?

“Hey, none of that,” Charles interrupted, voice soft, and Edwin knew if he were to look at Charles, he would not see pity, would only see care and love, but not that kind, never that kind. “I’m proper pissed at you. You’re supposed to get me when you need me. Not go find a random place to get absolutely sloshed and nearly bite part of your hand off.”

Edwin felt his hand smarten when he tried to curl them up into fists, “I am sorry for that as well.”

They sat in silence, for a moment, that turned to ten, then thirty. Neither knew how to break it.

“I do- I do not recall most of what happened after you left last night. I am assuming you did not end up taking Crystal to the Albertson’s?” Edwin asked, carefully inspecting his wrapped hand, unwrapping the red cloth slowly to reveal the bite marks and bruising.

It was unlike him, to have less patience, less wherewithal for silence, than Charles.

“I figured. You were properly out of it.” Charles said, reaching out and carefully taking Edwin’s injured hand, and Edwin looked at Charles, and saw nothing but sadness in his eyes.

He put that there.

Charles was right, was he not? Edwin could never put on a happy face with any confidence, not when it mattered.

“I went to go do it, y’know. Got out of the building and everything, only. I thought you seemed off. Thought about it for a bit. Never realized how much that potion made you act drunk till last night.” Charles spoke in low tones, careful, as if Edwin were something breakable.

Years of torture had made sure that was not true.

Charles’ fingers danced over the bruising, the scabbed over skin that was in the perfect arch of teeth. “Why didn’t you get me? Why’d you send me away?”

Edwin had no good answer.

Nothing that would appease Charles.

Nothing that stood in the face of his overwhelming sadness.

“We are on a case.” Edwin started, wetting his lips as Charles’ warm warm warm hands began to carefully wrap the wound again. “A good detective does what they must to solve a case-“

“And getting shitfaced will help solve the case?” Charles asked, eyebrow raised as he lifted his head.

Edwin’s eyes met Charles’, and maybe it was the tiredness, the pain, everything having felt on the border of too much and not enough for so long, that made Edwin finally speak.

“Perhaps not. But- it helps with the loneliness.” Edwin said, “the pain of losing something you held so close and so dear. When you do not remember that it is so easy to lose what you value,” He fidgeted, turning to face forward again, though he did not try to take his hand back from Charles. “I fear I have damaged things too much to be repaired. I understand if you must leave-“

“Hey!” Charles’ hand was suddenly on his cheek, guiding Edwin’s face to look at him, “I meant what I said on that staircase. Nothing is going to change between us. Nothing. Nothing has been damaged or broken or lost.”

D-F-A-G- F-D-F-E- D-B-D-F- G-B-A-G

“How can you be so sure?” Edwin asked, “how can you say that as if everything is the same as it was?”

“Because it is! We’re together, we’re solving cases, we hide presents for each other and play board games!”

“Yes, but what about Crystal and the Night Nurse being here? How about all the ways everything has changed? You go to Crystal’s often enough while I deal with the Night Nurse. We both must accommodate a minder and a living girl!” Edwin’s voice was rising in volume, and no matter how much he wanted to lower it, he could not. “We lost Niko-“ and that was when his voice broke, and everything felt like too much again.

“Oh Edwin-“ Charles tried to pull Edwin forward, into a hug, but that was too much. Edwin pulled away, away from the warmth, he did not look to see if Charles had that look of understanding he often did, or a look of hurt that his comfort was rejected.

“We lost Niko, we lost the home we built for ourselves in this office. Nothing is the same Charles, please do both of us the favour of acknowledging that.”

They sat in silence once more.

Niko was gone, her ghost as well.

Crystal was here to stay, the Night Nurse as well.

Nothing was the same, nothing would ever be the same.

It was like when he escaped Hell the first time, coming back to a world that was so different from the one he remembered. Both in wonderful and terrifying ways.

It made sense, for the world to change again once he returned from Hell the second time.

“You said you didn’t remember what happened last night, right?” Charles asked, his voice soft again.

“I do not,” Edwin said stiffly, blinking slowly in hopes the tears that were in his eyes would not fall.

“You asked me if I looked for your present yet.” Charles said, slowly reaching out. “I said no, but I hid yours. You didn’t look for mine either.”

Edwin, did not remember that. Could not believe he actually asked, asked if they were continuing their childish tradition. "I- with everything that has been happening, I was not sure if we were doing it this year.”

“But you hid mine. Why wouldn’t I hide yours?”

“…” Edwin sighed, “I was unsure if it was another thing that was changing. I- I have not hidden Crystal’s, not the same way at least.”

“I haven’t either. This is just for the two of us, innit?”

[regretsofaghost]

it's nearly Christmas Eve Eve!!

[regretsofaghost]

THE SUBSTANCE (2024) dir. Coralie Fargeat

[regretsofaghost]

2021

[regretsofaghost]

I might just be stupid af but I just realized Monty didn’t hate Charles because he was close to Edwin. I mean at least at first.

The reason Monty was an ass to Charles was because Charles was “smack talking” him in the first episode. Like “I can do it crow” and “stop mocking me crow”

I mean at least that’s why Monty hated Charles at first but like as the season progressed he started to hate him because Edwin had feelings for Charles.

[regretsofaghost]

every winter solstice I am consumed with thoughts of Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost...

[regretsofaghost]

I’m just going to leave this here

[regretsofaghost]

"why is my mental health so bad" -> oh yeah I haven't gazed fondly at a large body of water in a month

[regretsofaghost]

a commission i did for my friend's theatre group!! i'm pretty happy with how it turned out :D

[regretsofaghost]

don’t step on the glass don’t step on the glass tinsel in your foot bauble in your foot

[regretsofaghost]

He’s Edwin Payne. He died at 16. He escaped hell TWICE. He is in love with his best friend of almost 40 years. His gay awakening was a Cat King and a crow boy. He loves scooby doo. He is the cuntiest and most powerful character to ever grace television.

[regretsofaghost]

With all the references in this fandom to Charles being the sun, I'm surprised I have not seen anyone compare Edwin to Icarus. Where are my Greek tragedy besties at?

[regretsofaghost]

I hate posts like what if there is someone out there who takes the substance and respects the balance and just has a good fucking time. No there isn’t because you take the substance when u hate yourself and you’re sick of yourself and you’re lonely because you hate yourself so u let literally nobody into your life. You destroy yourself because you HATE yourself. You would not take the substance if you were going to respect the balance. You wanted a better version of yourself and its addicting.

[regretsofaghost]

transfem wirt truthers wya

[regretsofaghost]

man cannot subsist on live service games and ongoing series alone you have to read or watch or play something that is complete and self-contained and ideally 5+ years old every now and then or you will die badly

[regretsofaghost]

Celestial tango

[regretsofaghost]

what he means: my first girlfriend sacrificed herself for the good of her people, and she didn't think twice about it. i saw firsthand what it meant to truly protect those you love, and in that moment i also experienced what it meant to be loved enough to be protected. but i wasn't ready. i didn't have enough time to say goodbye. she was gone before she fell back to me, and i knew it even before i looked for a pulse that wasn't there. she was heavy, until she wasn't, because i saw death happen in a way i never thought it could when her body vanished from my arms. i now know what it feels like to kiss a spirit, and it's the last touch i have of her. she sacrificed herself because she believed it was her duty, an expectation she felt she needed to face, and it should never have happened. but she got dragged into a war that we brought to her home. there was nothing i could do to protect her from its devastation, and i blame myself for her death.

what he says: my first girlfriend turned into the moon