reflectiverecovery

[reflectiverecovery]

Off Medication

I’ve wanted to write a blog for a while; a lot has happened in recent months! Please note, some may find the contents of this post triggering. I believe I mentioned in my last blog that I’ve been taking antidepressants for quite a while (almost 8 years, actually). I’ve tried most of the common ones - Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Mirtazapine to name a few. After many failed attempts, I settled on Venlafaxine, as this seemed to settle any emotional instability I was experiencing quite well. I fluctuated between doses on this medication over the past few years and around Christmas 2017 found myself on quite a low dose. Sadly, even at a low dose, this still caused a lot of bad side effects. If I forgot to take it, I would get the shakes, and feel sickly. I’d struggle to focus and feel dizzy until my next dose. I hated the fact I had to worry about taking enough when travelling or staying away from home. The fact such a small pill could have this kind of hold over me was really quite intimidating. In the spirit of New Year I decided 2018 would be when I come off medication all together. After most of my adult life being medicated, it was quite exciting (and scary) to wonder what I’d be like without them. So, in January, I began the slow and painful process of coming off these - after checking with my GP, of course. To be blunt, the past few months have been pretty hellish. The withdrawal has been terrible, with sickness and nausea becoming the ‘norm’ each day. I struggled to focus on my work, to function in everyday tasks and also found myself fragile emotionally.  Many times I was tempted to make a U-turn back to my comfort zone on meds. As someone who suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I found myself experiencing emotions that I haven’t in years - jumping from anger to misery in a fleeting moment, questioning small actions and doubting everything. My anxiety was through the roof while my depression and mood in general was lower than it’s been in a long time. However, 3 months later - I’ve made it. I’m so grateful to those in my life that have supported me. My employer, who has allowed me to have a flexible working schedule, work from home on occasion and adjust my workload. My partner, who has put up with my mood swings and general drama every day. My friends, who have respected my space but cared enough to check on me and of course, my family, who are my world. I couldn’t have got through the past few months without them. As I write this, I’m 2 weeks med-free. I still have the occasional weird mood swing or headaches and dizziness, but all-in-all I’m way better. I’m still battling anxiety and depression, and still have ‘BPD outbursts’, but I’m coping. There’s been times in the past few months I’ve been so low I couldn’t imagine waking up in the morning, or so detached from reality that I almost walked in front of a Metro, (true story, sadly) but now I’m feeling much more human and excited to see what the rest of the year has to offer, and trusting that it will get better, which isn’t always easy to do.  My Doctor actually said something interesting to me a few weeks ago. He said “You’re almost out of the woods, but you should know - there’s not a medal waiting for you for coming off medication. If you need antidepressants, you should take them, just as someone with Diabetes needs to take insulin. There’s no shame in taking them, you’re just bringing yourself to the same level as those around you.” Right now, coming off medication feels like the right choice for me. But, as with anyone, if the time comes that we need help, we should always reach out - if this is you, please seek advice from your GP and don’t suffer in silence.  If you’re considering coming off medication, my biggest piece of advice would be to work alongside, not against, your Doctor. Set a realistic timescale that works for you, and take your time! Preparation is key - use a calendar and get a pill-cutter and a tablet box to keep you organised. Make sure you tell enough people close to you so that people can keep an eye on you, and be honest with your employer. You’ll get there, just be patient. As a side-note, and one I say regularly both in blogs and on social media. Kindness doesn’t cost anything. If you think your words or actions might hurt someone else, don’t bother. There’s been times in the past few months when a word of kindness would have kept me going, and times that people have acted selfishly or maliciously which really pushed me towards the edge. Social Media means we are all connected, which is great, but with it comes a shared responsibility to provide good feeling, to bring value and not to bring each other down. Remember the amount of damage a moment of thoughtlessness can cause another person, or what it would do to you if you too were struggling. I guess that’s it for now - this is uncharted territory for me so I have no idea what to expect, but I’m determined to make 2018 the best year I’ve ever had. <3 If you do seek professional support, please check out the NHS website here. And in times of crisis, Samaritans are always there - I’ve used them myself in times of need. You really are never alone in this.

[reflectiverecovery]

The Road to Recovery

Firstly, hi! It feels so good to write again. I decided to make a new blog as my other Tumblr is quite old and polluted with a multitude of emo-angst and cat picture posts. Here’s a shiny new one, just for you. I can’t promise there won’t be any cat pictures. As it’s World Mental Health day (woo) I decided to write a personal mental health update. As many of you know, I’ve been partial to doing this in the past, but with change in jobs and general life I’ve not done so in quite some time. As with any mental health blog, this comes with a trigger warning attached, so please be mindful of this if you choose to continue. Also, I’m not a professional, so the views and ideas here are just that - ideas. If you require support please utilise the links at the end of the article. According to The Telegraph, 1 in 3 work sick-notes handed out by GPs are for mental health, with 1 in 4 of us still experiencing mental illness each year, and 1 in 5 considering suicide - it’s clear mental health is still an area of need and importance for the general public. The Independent, too, discusses some interesting statistics on the why and how of modern-day mental health issues, with social media and finances/debt being listed as key contributors.  On a personal note, I myself have regular struggles with my mental health. After childhood trauma, coming to terms with being gay and other personal challenges I have a history of anxiety and depression, and traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. This means I tend to have heightened emotions and can struggle with some social situations, and those present in relationships. I have had several forms of talking therapy - counselling, CBT, Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) and most recently Psycho-Dynamic Therapy, mixed in with attempts on pretty much all of the common antidepressants (Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Mirtazapine and so on). But despite the rocky road I made it through - and you can too. Mental health is really tricky. I often find myself second guessing my own mind (am I really ill? Am I doing this just because I think I’m depressed, or am I actually depressed?) The truth is, only you know, and you need to trust in your instincts. If you’re doubting your own stability or your own health that is an indicator something needs to change. But the change doesn’t have to be drastic - a former therapist of mine warned that it’s easy when you’re on a downward spiral to impoverish yourself, and push away things that could actually help. What you can do, instead, is create time and space for reflection. As cheesy as it is, mindfulness and meditation really can work wonders - even if it feels next to impossible to fit this into your working day, make the time. I’m sure your employer would rather you spend 10 minutes meditating at work than 10 weeks off sick as a result of stress... but you didn’t hear that from me. In terms of where I am now - I recently had my review from my last talking therapy. This basically involved a 6 month gap after my 18 months of therapy, during which I could reflect and work on myself. Due to budgets and the NHS mental health services being heavily stretched (definitely a conversation for another day) my therapy couldn’t be extended, but group therapy was an option if I needed it, or we could look to alternatives. However, I’m pleased to say that my therapist and I both agreed no further course of action was needed at this time. Progress! I’m lucky, the past year or so has been groundbreaking for me. I got a great job and I’m the most independent I’ve ever been - perhaps at 26 years old that’s strange to say, but it’s true. That being said, I still have down days and weeks and I’m still on antidepressants - though I’m currently on the lowest dose of Venlafaxine, which I’ve been taking for several years. That last step of coming off completely is still a little scary for me, but I know I’ll make it when I’m ready. My journey hasn’t been easy and has taken many years - I don’t know if it will ever truly be ‘over’, and I imagine there will always be struggles, but I’m pleased to say my recovery is steady and I’m happy with where I’m going. Of course, healing and recovery will look different to each individual, but here are a few things I truly believe will help along the way, and have certainly helped me:

1) Family

Each family is different, and I don’t necessarily mean a relative. Surrounding yourself with people you value is so important - I’m lucky my employer believes in family values, so I have my ‘work fam’ alongside my actual family. Find out what family means to you and immerse yourself in it - whether it’s friends, colleagues, relatives or even an online community. My family (or families) have genuinely kept me alive on more than one occasion.

2) TALK

Breaking the stigma around mental health is impossible without talking about it (see Time to Change, they’re awesome). Talk to your friends, your manager (or HR department), you could even write about it. You don’t need to suffer in silence. This also leads on to:

3) Seek Professional Help

I know, the NHS isn’t great. Wait times feel endless and it’s easy to presume they won’t do anything for you. But you won’t know until you try - I waited years to get the support I feel ‘worked’ for me, but I’m so glad I did. Also, don’t be scared off by antidepressants. We all need a little help sometimes and there’s no shame in this. You wouldn’t refuse insulin if you were diabetic - this is just the same, and it doesn’t have to be permanent. Start the process, speak with your GP and take control of your situation - you’ll be all the better for it.

4) Find Value

I’ve had several jobs over the past few years and it took me a long time to find my fit. However, it’s not all about your employment. After the suicide of a girl in my year from school I found inspiration to volunteer in a cause that mattered to me - Nightline. Nightline aims to reduce student suicides, and is a charity I’ve worked with in the past. Even though I struggle for time (who doesn’t?!), giving back to something that matters to you is a fantastic way to enrich your own life and find purpose where you may have felt lost in the past. Give it a go!

5) Be Mindful

Vague... I know. But sometimes you need to think of the bigger picture. Look at how far you’ve come - everything you’ve faced and beaten. I truly believe people who have been through mental illness are the strongest out there, they just need the time to realise it for themselves. However, never underestimate the struggles of another - kindness goes a long way and could save someones life.

<3

If you do seek professional support, please check out the NHS website here. And in times of crisis, Samaritans are always there - I’ve used them myself in times of need. You really are never alone in this.