reflectionsyouwillneversee

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

Went to bed and woke up at 4:30 in pain on the left side yet again, have been in pain for about 3 hours now. Tried to make myself go back to sleep after pain pill kicked in slightly to only have nightmares about the pain, in my dream I was working a new job that wanted to fire me cause I walked to slow cause I was bent over in pain as I walked and I was put in front of a large panel of old people who wanted to belittle me, only to wake up with tears streaming down my face cause the pain is back again on the left side and there is nothing else I can do here but wait for my pain pills to kick in and hope I don’t end up going to a local hospital and get a stupid bill I can’t afford all cause I’m stuck in a place I never wanted to go to in the first place and not I don’t even have you here for comfort. This fucking blows donkey dick! I hope you are getting all the peace with the space and time you needed with out me there, excuse me if I am not nice today, and i will do my best to stop telling you that I miss(ed) you still even thousands of miles away, you are making it very clear to see, that even if you did miss me you would not tell me anyways, because it is stuck in your head that I need to move on from you, so you would not tell me anyways, because I dug that sword you used on me just as deep into your back. Things for us were never supposed to be like this. This anger against you, it never existed before, and should have never been put there. I love(d) you with all my heart and soul. I wish I could have been the one you truly wanted, you used to make me feel that way, but I never will be enough for you, cause you can’t even love yourself. I wish no ill on to you, I wish no suffering, I wish no pain, I hope money flows to your hands, and you get everything you deserve cause you should be happy, even if that is not with me, even though that it’s all I ever wanted for us, I didn’t know what else to do or how else to try because the only love shown to me in the past by people who raised me, was the wrongest kind of love shown to a person that I never wanted to lose you because you were different, and I love(d) everything about you for being like me, shattered but willing to try to build with the right person. Sorry I was territorial with you, I was only jealous over the fact you would give to other girls what you used to but give to me but then you ended up refusing to give me, like I had been a bad girl and no longer deserved that side of you, the side I miss the most, things that should have only been shown to a person you love in the first place. When I come back you can have all the space you need. If I am quiet for the rest of this trip, you now know why. I won’t burden you with my doctor visits, my problems will stay just mine, I won’t beg you to stay or to pick me no more. After I feel like you are only letting me stay out of guilt. You can move on with your life, I only ask you respect me enough to keep it away from my sight this time, until I can move on myself. It may take me a while, I didn’t fall in love with you over night, it will take a while for me to gather my things and thoughts, let alone the cost to move out, because although I carry a lot of anger, I never stopped loving you even in the worst times. I am sure this is karma coming against me cause of my kids, cause I don’t know what else I did to deserve this, so I will take what is coming at me, grin and bare it. I deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life and in pain physically as well as emotionally. I am sorry I could not love you the way you wanted or needed. Perhaps someone else will cause I am no good for you. If I don’t reply much, you know why. I can’t take back what I said in anger although I wish I could. Just like you, I didn’t think through my actions or words, after all we are human and make mistakes that we have to live with it, I am sorry I love(d) you the wrong way and miss(Ed) the you I met all those years ago, you said I changed after we got married, well so did you. Going to take a hot shower in hopes this pill kicks in soon.

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

Love is not sweet after all

L- Lake of Fire

O- Ocean off Tears

V- Valley of Death

E- End of my Life

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

People come and people go

Hello

Goodbye

I promise to love you forever

I love you for the last time

I don’t want to lose you

I am letting you go

Thank you for coming

I wish we never met

I’m fine

I will be fine soon

Happiness

Sadness

Lovers

Strangers

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

I not only came from a broken family

You came along and broke me to

I wish I could donate my life

To those who really want to live

I am in a never ending nightmare

But I just can’t escape or wake from

Just because I’m strong enough to handle the pain

Does not mean I deserve it

You want me to live

I want me to die

How about we meet in the middle put me in a coma, at least if I’m there I could sleep and dream that things are not as bad as they are right now

I am sick of crying

Feel so tired of trying

You want me to see me smile on the outside

But its fake

Because on the inside, I am dying

Thanks for using me for your temporary happiness

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

Was any of these past 15 years real?

Because right now it is hard to tell

I want to do nothing but love you

But you’re making it hard as hell

I know it’s hard letting someone in

All I wanted to do was build you up high

I never meant to destroy you

Usually, I am quiet with all of this shit

Maybe it is because I feel like I was never good enough

You always used to say you felt the same about yourself

I thought that I could be the one to help, that we could help each other

Because I thought I hated my past just as much as you did

Perhaps this pain I am feeling is overdue

I don’t wanna live in the past no more

I just wanted to build up a life with you

I used to see the fire inside of you

Now it is a Distance flame.

You are trying to hide it away.

Please don’t let it fade.

My only wish is that you would stay

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

I am so scared of love right now

I don’t think it has ever been meant for me

Maybe that’s why anytime I ever felt it before

I felt the need to run away

But I don’t want to do that with you

Running never solved the problem

Because one day it will catch up

The soul that you have, the person that you are deep inside

You are the kind of person I could never ignore

I wish I could silence my mind

I was so afraid to show you the real me, I was so shy, so nervous you would reject me, and after all my fuck ups- you have

I really want to drink right now I need that numbness to bring me out of this downward spiral I can feel I’m falling into

I don’t think I can ever be me ever again

Everyone before has torn into me when I am her

I thought I could be myself with you, but that has just messed things up 

You used to always tell me that you are not like my exes, you were right, you didn’t mentally bring me down or lay your hands on me

But every one has betrayed me, including you

So I no longer believe in love

Because all it does is give me pain

I don’t think I could take the shit anymore

I don’t know if I can stay

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

I don’t think I have ever loved myself

I really hate the body the Lord put me in

Don’t think anyone knows where my mind goes when I look in the mirror which is why most of my photos are taken with filters

No one knows how dark my days are

I try to keep it deep inside of me

I am always the last one picked

And the easy target who will take the most damage

I finally realized the other day why a lot of people drink and drive

I too wanted to feel something other than the pain before I had to return home and see the sadness upon your face

You ask me how I am?

I say I am fine, but deep down, you know I’m lying.

I didn’t want you to ever see the dark side of me.

I don’t want to admit to no one how much I have been crying

I feel like I am dying

Peace eludes me

I feel like I have no purpose anymore

And the more I think the worse it gets

I keep pushing you away, telling you to leave me alone, and that I will do this shit on my own

But in reality, I need your help. I always needed you. I always have and always will.

All I do is run

I will probably always run until my last day.

I ran to what I felt was love

But now I feel like I need to run from the pain

I think it has been fear of abandonment

My father abandoned me for another women who he had kids with

My mother abandoned me when her second husband molested me because she just couldn’t believe it

My kids abandoned me for their father who was only there the first 8 years of their lives when he was drunk and stoned so all they seen was the happy times

They didn’t see the things being closed doors the mental abuse and sexual abuse and the cheating

Second husband placing his hands on me

And now you, abandoning me for a fling half way across the world, over 5000 miles away

I don’t know how to handle it

I am sure you won’t trust me anymore after this

I am sure I have said too much and it has made you cry

I have been so selfish

I am broken

To the ones that I have hurt

I am sorry for what you have dealt with

Maybe I should go somewhere far far away

If I only knew I was wanted, perhaps I would stay 

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

Oh man, do I ever see how much and many times I have instigated and fabricated problems that were just bad thoughts in my head.

I created so much unnecessary drama by bottling up my emotions and then getting in your face.

Like the egg shells I felt like I was walking on.

I didn’t realize I was just breaking your sanity.

I constantly find myself apologizing for everyone’s mistakes.

Even if they were not my own.

I know that if you were to show me what you wanted me back, I would not hesitate.

I can see it in your eyes as if it’s a Written in the Stars you have no idea how much you are worth, although I have told you time and time again.

But hearing it from me was never enough, you had to hear it from others for you to know it was true.

There’s only made me feel as if I was anonymous. 

I thought my needs were simple show me you love me, a warm hug, the sweet kisses, and the warm gentle embrace. 

The gentle touch of your skin and lips on mine.

Not only tell me you love me, but show it.

Material things mean nothing without you.

I didn’t wanna Daddy I wanted to lover, a savior, protector, a partner, someone who is not always mad to come home.

Please stop frowning as if you had a bad life.

I felt like I was everything at one time for you.

I so wish I could feel that again.

If we could only focus, I am sure the energy will flow there once more.

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

I am trying I can’t hide it no more

I always feel so alone in this house what used to be our home

I want to talk to you and communicate

I want you to call my phone

You have been my rock

I can feel my heart turning to Stone

I couldn’t see how you cared so much

I think I was too scared to trust you, to trust myself

I found you when I wasn’t looking

I don’t think you were prepared for an us

You provided me with safety and protection

I should’ve shown you respect and trust

I don’t feel as if I was ever there for you enough

I thought I gave my all

Now I am so ashamed and embarrassed over the things I had said and done

My tears keep falling to the floor

Maybe I should have been brought back as a scarecrow so I could water the dying flowers of each garden which attempted to grow

My mind is constantly at war with my heart

You deserve so much more out of life from me

But I understand if you turn it away

My inner demons they call me every day

Just know, I no longer blame you

I have always had deeper issues

I know I have tried

I truly feel the love we had was timeless

I can’t stand this shit, but I hate myself even more

I don’t know why I blamed you for everything I knew I was to blame

I have been so cold to you when all you did was show me kindness

I needed to open myself to you

You have no clue how many times I wanted to unlock my seatbelt and open the door while driving down the highway but just looking at you always held me back

I carry so many secrets

You have only heard a few of them

I was too afraid for you to know how negative I was towards myself

You deserved my heart, but that is where all those secrets are stored

And I tossed out the key so long ago

I know I need to find myself

But I don’t even know where to start 

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

Life of a butterfly

I want to start loving you better

I want to start trusting you better

Trusting me better

To continue talking about all of our dreams

And watch them come true together

I don’t want to watch you want to get drunk whenever you and I are bored

or doing things we can’t afford

Just because we want to live a little bit more

I am tired of battling all of these demons

I know deep down we are built for more than this

Maybe I am starting to grow

People are always telling you have changed

I just thought it was that you finally figured out that you do deserve more out of this life

That there’s a reason why you and I exist

That our creation was not a mistake

But it’s up to us to find our way

Trust me, I am trying to find a way

I want to start thinking better

Dreaming bigger

I want us to be seen as winners

I want every word, I say to you to be felt in your soul

Because you had always been able to give me hope that things would be fine

that dreams can come true

The impact on me, you have given over the years

Cannot be through

I know you always wanted to save me

But you won’t let me back in

I won’t make it through the void

Your life is beautiful, just like the galaxies to me you’re a masterpiece

I hate that I have dimmed the light that you shine inside of you

You deserve someone who will love you endlessly

I thought that someone could be me 

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

At night I stare at the stars

Oh, how I wish your hand was here in mine

I reminisce about the past. It helps me pass the time.

I loved how you used to place your hand on my shoulder, touch my arm, and look at me in the eyes.

I look away now, because all I see is sadness, and all I know is that it is killing you.

I want to drown my sorrows and liquor just to kill the pain.

I don’t know how to get over your spell, when I see other people still only see you.

People keep telling me it’s just a phase, but I can’t believe it because I always felt it with you, even from day one playing in Warcraft that we were meant to be.

Those movies they have a lovers meeting again, and again in past and future lives. I always felt that way of me and you as if I have been in love with you for centuries.

I know I had found it, and I don’t know how to live without it.

What is life without you?

You know why I never complained about our wedding? Because I really thought one day we would redo our vowel, and it would have been at Waimea falls. And I would’ve been so happy to have lived that dream with just you.

So I kept it to myself with every hope to see it come true one day.

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

I wish I could take back all I said and all I did but I know I can’t and all I can do is pray to God you can forgive me someday. the first time I seen you at the airport. Hell the first phone call you made to me maybe I should not have answered that cal. I fell in love with you in that moment, in a heartbeat, I should’ve known I would not be OK. because the issues I have had in my past were so ungodly unfair. that they never leave me even when I prayed for peace and serenity. every day I am suspicious, but that was never a fault of your own. I just been hurt by everyone else in my life that I brought it into our new life together and it has cost me all of it. I keep my mouth shut now Because everything coming out feels malicious and you don’t deserve it. at this point I feel like I’m only breaking you down. I don’t really know how to love right, I guess I never really learned it as a kid, so I never let any of my scars heal. Maybe we are not right for each other or perhaps I just suck at being your lover. It is eating me inside, knowing I can’t love you the way you deserve. it is eating me inside, knowing I can’t love you right. I try to show you ways that I am trying to write all my wrongs. What is wrong with me? I hope one day I can recover. perhaps I secretly like when I suffer most. I think I project all my pain onto you. All of my thoughts they run everywhere, tainting all that they touch, they tell me I am not enough, I am and nobody, and no one loves me. I really want to call you but I don’t want to put you down more than you already feel. You don’t want my touch, because my baggage is so heavy that your beautiful heart will be crushed. 

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

To ray

If we are lucky to survive in life, we will experience the feelings we get when we have read a good book and have friends to turn to. When the darkness comes.

you were the hand I got to hold through the best and the worst days of my life

your arms used to wrap around me so I didn’t feel so alone and your smile always made me feel as if I was home

I don’t blame you anymore for wanting to leave me

I mean, just look at me

Even I want to leave me too

Tears don’t weigh a thing

But the grudge that creates those tears

They weigh the most.

I’m trying my best to choose forgiveness.

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

I stood with you in the pouring rain

I knew I could be inside and dry, but that is what happens when you love someone your own happiness it don’t mean a thing or as much without theirs.

I try to be that sunny day for you, but I often found myself Braving the thunderstorms for you.

I would hold your hand in the rain.

I stood by you, struggled with you, even built you up.

I have a hard time talking honestly because it hurts when I have to remember and I never want to feel that again.

so if I lose control, just know that I am not weak.

Just because I lost my temper does not make me hysterical.

You only seen me disappear because it was noticeable, because my usual presence was no longer available .

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

He saw you

He met you

He wanted you

He liked you

He chased you

He got you

He had you

He got bored of you

He left you

He broke you

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

Impossible

To replace me

That maybe easy to do

As you have done in the past

Twice

But try as you may

And try they might

To put up with the same bullshit i endured

And they will finally see

What I dealt with each and every night

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

Loss of love

By now I have mourned for you 100 million different ways, although you never really died, so many emotional deaths I have lived through already, and each new day I open my eyes and outlive this sadness. You choose to love and then leave me over and over again, and a piece of me died each time. This ongoing sadness breaks my heart and I continue to suffer with all of this grief inside. I tried so hard to keep this love of ours alive, but the truth of the matter is there may be nothing left to revive this time and it is not like our love had fallen over and just died, mine fight to survive, yours committed suicide.