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Croissant with a view 🥐 🏔 another 2 hours in the bag 17.5/1000hrs @1000hoursoutside #1000hoursoutside #hike #pyrenees #france #toddler #walk #winter #sun #rhodesianridgeback #mountains (at Asté, Midi-Pyrenees, France) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7BJHzaCmRK/?igshid=b62okc8z6j89

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Easy 3 hours today. Gorgeous day for a gorgeous hike. Plus a tractor 🚜 14/1000hrs @1000hoursoutside #hike #easylikesundaymorning #family #france #pyrenees #toddler #tractor (at Col Des Palomieres) https://www.instagram.com/p/B68GUJHChJs/?igshid=oqqwf7nhdx6e

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And today - ice 🧊 8/1000hrs @1000hoursoutside #winter #outsideisfree #ice #daughter #1000hoursoutside #france #pyrenees (at Lac de Payolle) https://www.instagram.com/p/B63rJZliaen/?igshid=1mwjf8k6pupgr

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Mama it’s cold!!! 🥶 @1000hoursoutside #outsideisfree #1000hoursoutside #france #pyrenees #challengeaccepted (at Asté, Midi-Pyrenees, France) https://www.instagram.com/p/B60Hn40DbrW/?igshid=ve3aoab9b94b

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Kickstarting our 1000 hours outside challenge for 2020 with a hike from our house up the mountain. 4/1000 @1000hoursoutside #wildlingexplorers #outsideisfree #pyrenees #france #newyear #family #challenge #1000hoursoutside (at Campan) https://www.instagram.com/p/B60FqBUj3X_/?igshid=1htyvp24wzeea

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What a week. These are my beautiful birthday earrings from my Gregory. Made by Caitlin. I love them; they're perfect xx

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What I never knew about Miscarriage

It is May 20th 2017 and I have just miscarried my first baby. 11 weeks and 1 day. This is my story and I am writing it so that I may never forget. That I may learn. That I may begin to grieve. That I may be thankful for what I do have…

I’d had some very very light spotting whilst working in Provence last week. But it was so dark (almost black) and so minimal, everyone said it was normal. Dark was good. Bright red was not. So I carried on. I didn’t worry too much. It was normal they said.

I got home from Provence, after a very long drive, on the Tuesday night. Greg got home from Italy a little after me. We made love that night and there was some more bleeding afterwards. I tried not to worry. The bleeding continued throughout Wednesday but still light. No cramping. Wednesday night I was concerned; it didn’t feel right.

Thursday morning the bleeding was heavier and brighter red. I said to Greg that I thought it was it, the end, I didn’t feel right. He tried to stay positive for us. He is always my ray of hope, after all. We spent most of the day at our house with Greg laying the new floor and me trying to help when I felt up to it. Eventually we were both exhausted and went back, I got straight in the bath. The bleeding was heavy now and there were large clots starting to appear. When I got out the bath water was brown.

I got out of the bath and straight onto the toilet. For the next 2 hours I sat and watched Friends on Netflix while the bleeding got heavier and heavier. It was dripping into the toilet at around 2 drops a second. I don’t know how many of you have watched a period at its heaviest? Mine are heavy but never that heavy. After a couple of hours Greg said I had to rest. I forced myself into bed (I was nervous to leave the safety of the toilet where I could ‘mess’ easily). I felt physically drained and emotionally distressed. Greg still tried to stay positive but listened to me more as I told him what was happening.

I did try to rest in bed and managed to sleep every now and again. But I was so upset I called for Greg and he decided to put the dogs to bed early and came to be with me. He held me and we tried to make positive plans, travelling, places to go and things to see.

From 10pm-1am I was changing a thick ‘nighttime’ pad every 20-30 minutes, mostly having to call and wake Greg for a new pair of knickers as I’d ruined another pair. I was managing to sleep in between toilet-runs but would wake with huge cramps which was my cue to get on the toilet as there was a huge clot coming. I would sit down on the loo and my uterus would open and what felt like a fist-size clot would fall into the toilet.

Greg had suggested I use a 'hair towel’ (a smaller towel that wraps around your head) to put in between my legs when I rushed to the toilet, as I felt so sure I was going to bleed everywhere. It worked well and I felt safer to move around.

I was also throwing up, which wasn’t unusual period-behaviour for me so I wasn’t immediately concerned. During day 1 of my period I can throw up, lose my stomach, then sleep it off and I’m ok. I think I vomit due to the pain of the period cramps so I figured this was no different and if I could sleep then it would all settle down. Then, one time when I was sitting on the toilet I looked down and there was what looked like a piece of liver sitting just outside of my vagina, but still attached. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to squeeze it out but it didn’t move. I wanted it gone. So I reached down with my hand and tried to pull it out. It did come out and it sat there in my hand. This time when I threw up I knew it wasn’t from the pain. It was from what I had just pulled from my body. Part of my baby or part of its home I won’t know. But the feel of it in my hand will never leave me, the heat from it, the texture. The colour. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Around 1am I was feeling empty. I rushed out of bed and knew something had shifted. I called for Greg as I ran to the bathroom, blood pouring out of me. I blacked out in the hallway but managed to make it to the toilet where I called for Greg again and he rushed to me, eyes wide and fearful when he saw the blood everywhere. He checked I was conscious and I confirmed I was ok, But I was just panicking about the mess on the floors. So he started clearing up the pools of blood from the bed to the toilet. Suddenly I knew I wasn’t ok and screamed for him. He managed to catch me as I fainted from the toilet and immediately put me on the floor in the recovery position. I woke up on the bathroom floor with Greg calling my name, trying to bring me round.

Having never fainted before it was a surreal experience. And absolutely awful. No control, no sight, no hearing. And godawful nausea. After getting me to grunt my consciousness, Greg ran downstairs and brought me sustenance: water, juice, fruit, snacks, anything to get me to eat. He kept telling me I had to rehydrate, to get my blood sugars back up. I tried but had zero interest. I was passed it, overcome with the horror show playing out in front of me.

At this point I was covered in blood. From my mid-back to my feet I was painted in wet and drying blood. The hair towel that I had been using was red through and I was on my 4th pair of knickers. Greg helped me into the shower and I crouched in there, trying to clean myself and trying to stay conscious. It was at this point I said to Greg that something wasn’t right; there was too much blood and that we should call an ambulance. Again he stayed positive and said I just needed to get some sugars into me and to sleep. Getting out of the shower was another nightmare. I was shaking uncontrollably from cold. But when I turned off the hot water to get out the blood was still pouring out of me so I couldn’t towel dry myself. I was crying hard and Greg couldn’t even open the shower door to help me because I’d scream from the cold air coming in. Eventually he gave me fistfuls of kitchen towel to shove between my legs so I could dry myself and put new underwear on without blood getting everywhere.

Lightheaded and still unable to keep anything down Greg put me back into bed with the hot water bottle. He’d hold me as the cramps came. All the time telling me how great I was doing and how it was all going to be ok.

I was delirious.

Unable to sleep I lay there. After a particularly bad cramp I told Greg I had to go to the toilet again as I was going to mess through the towel onto the bed (this was such a huge panic of mine throughout the entire night as it isn’t our bed and I couldn’t handle the thought of ruining it and having to explain what had happened). Greg told me to sit up slowly. Which I did. But as soon as I sat up gravity kicked in again and I could feel the blood wash out. I stood up and made it to the end of the bed before I fainted. I don’t know how Greg caught me that time but he did. Again I woke in the recovery position, shaking uncontrollably with Greg shouting my name. He’d covered me in a towel and tried to get me to to move off the cold wooden floor onto another towel. He tried to make me eat a frozen raspberry which i did swallow. And then a piece of dried mango which he said I could spit out if I wanted to (I promptly did). He then left the room quickly to get something for me. In that second I knew I would vomit and threw myself at a bowl Greg had left for me next to the bed. As the vomit came I missed the bowl and had moved off the towel. As most women on their periods know, when you cough, sneeze (or apparently vomit) on your period during that involuntary tightening of the abdomen, it speeds up the bleeding. In that moment a wave of blood and tissue left me and emptied through my clothing and onto the floor. Between vomiting I called again and again for Greg. He came back in the room and swore at the scene. I half crawled/ Greg half carried me to the bathroom and I crawled into the shower, shaking and sobbing. I held the warm water over me and tried to stay awake. Greg was cleaning up the vomit and blood in the bedroom, calling my name so that I could answer him and reassure him I hadn’t passed out again.

He came into the bathroom and told me I had to get out the shower as we were going to the hospital, the car was running, my things were packed. I lay on the floor crying, bleeding onto the bath mat while Greg dressed me. I just wanted to lay there and give up. He kept barking at me to 'stay with him’ to get me to respond to him.

I crawled to the top of the stairs, unable to walk anymore. I sat on the top step and tried to shimmy down to the next one. Greg, below me, told me to stop and, once again, I fainted. He cleverly managed to 'catch’ me by quickly putting his knee in between my legs to stop me falling further down the stairs. The pain of that brought me round to consciousness, the sound of Greg’s voice at the end of the tunnel. I was so far out of the real world, I just wanted it to end. It was at this moment I remember crying to Greg that I was dying. I was sure of it. As sure as I’d lost our baby that night I was sure I was dying.

Greg managed to haul me off the stairs, all 72kg of dead weight and heave me down the stairs. He put me on the sofa by the front door so that he could open it. He picked me up again and carried me to the car, managing to slide me into the back seats and I lay down. Not caring any more. Only thinking of Greg and how he was saving me from myself. Again. Always.

…

Thursday night was the most horrific ordeal of my life. I lost my first baby. And instead of doing it peacefully, gracefully, lovingly with my husband in our home, I haemorrhaged all over our bedroom and bathroom until he took me to hospital for medical doctors, nurses, procedures, needles, saline drips, pain killers, anaesthetic, surgery, ambulances, and recovery wards. But I am alive. And I have to remember that when I want to drown in self-pity and grief. I can remember that emergency medicine saved my life. Emergency medicine and Gregory.

The light of my life. My 3. My never-ending 'shout’ of Hope.

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So. in. love.

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We were all traumatised to say the least.

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Little Luna. Won’t be little for long!

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Sistine Chapel, Vatican City. Epic stop. Now on 17/30 countries...

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Our family is expanding. We’re getting a puppy on Friday and I am so freakin’ excited!!!

And. utterly. terrified.

What if she doesn’t love me? Or even like me?? What if I can’t train her? What if I overfeed her? Or under-exercise her? Or accidentally hurt her? What if I can’t give her what she needs? Will she love Greg more than me?

All negative thoughts running through my brain CONSTANTLY at the moment. It’s tiring!

She will like me. She will love me. A couple of people do so why not one more! I am dedicated to her training so, sure, there’ll be good and bad days on the training front but persistence and dedication and a sense of humour is all I need. I will NOT overfeed her, that is cruel to HER and I must not do it. That means no brioche...! If I hurt her accidentally I will hold her until it’s better so she knows it was an accident. I’m sure that’ll work. I have no better idea. I will give her what she needs because she needs love, food, exercise and shelter. I will give her those minimum.

And the reality is she probably will love Greg more than me, even my family do! And I do too, so it makes sense. But as long as I’m a close 2nd then I won’t be too too upset.

Will update with photos of a crying-with-happiness me and a probably bemused puppy on Friday.

To England!

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This cutie 😍 xx

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This was also in Provence. We found a spring. It was incredible. We messed about. Loved it.

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Christmas lights on the canal in L’Isle-sur-la-Sorgue <3

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Gorges de la Nesque, Provence. Greg stood at the view point and took this as I rode past. He’s a gem.

I’ve wanted to do this descent for about a year since I spent a month here for Rapha’s retreats.

It’s an incredible descent for about 20km or something mad. Was bloody freezing! Greg caught up with me and gave me his gillet and buff to wear. I was still cold! It is the end of November I suppose.