redheadedafrican

[redheadedafrican]

OMNI..Something.

Imagine watching your life with a profound understanding of all things existent and occurring to it and around it.

..... Let me explain.

Everything that constitutes your life in and of itself. I'm talking from the death and birth of a new cell in your liver or the very infusion of oxygen into your blood for transportation to another person's fleeting thought about or towards you and how the government's new tax or recently passed law will shape up per second till it affects you.

I know, I know but bear with me. If you had insight into every piece of information that constitutes your life,,,,, would you do life different?

Would you adjust accordingly to always be the image of you you wish to portray?

A watcher with no influence save for by living life just a little different. Controlling the number of breaths you take in a minute. Adjusting your stance by the slightest tilt. Adding just a little warmth to how you treat others. Asking just a few more questions and listening just that much more. Being that much more human or perfect, as you would be. Is there a perfect human, what would that mean?... I digress.

Would you make your choices factoring in everything that you are to everything and everyone in this entire fabric of reality?

Would you scorn it all and remain a content, indifferent watcher unbothered by the effect you have?

Would you be Nondescript or would you be superior in your villainy or heroism/stardom.

Me, I....... I don't know....

S/O Dumebi. Check this piece out on Child soldiers.

Now imagine if that's what humanity was. Just pure omnipotence from every living being. (Assuming our brains can even actively process that much information per second. Whew.

Would we be better?

Would the world be better?

Are we better now as ignorant blimps?

Does anything we would do truly matter?

In that sense, would anything truly be anything? What is a writer? What is a woman? What is a man? (I'd go through the whole gender spectrum but.... meh) What is a child? What is an adult? What is beauty? What is evil? What is good? What is anything before a being that sees and understands everything. Is this what God is?

Would society be annihilated or would it thrive?

Would humanity destroy or grow itself.

Would the murderers of those girls regret their actions? Would they have done it? Would anyone else try shit like that again? How would we deal with them as a society?

Would we judge others by their most intrusive thoughts or by the resultant actions? Would anyone even allow such thoughts to manifest...

What is this existence?

EndFemicide!

and if you're like Kim and I and think there's more to it, I hope we figure it out before it betides.

Love Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

. Hazy

Maybe like JID I should just accept that this isn't going anywhere so I can focus my talents on other.... Activities?

Exertions. The labours of existence if you will.

Hey, it's been a minute, a hot minute they say, how've you been? I'm sorry maybe I too aren't tortured enough to be a proper creative... Well if you're here then (how YOU DOin 😏) best to inform you, this is more of a rant page than a blog.

I grew a beard but rest assured I'm sticking to my roots.

Like you, I have so much to say, matter of fact too much to say. However, the rules of engagement among sapiens dictate that we must live in a society. We can't talk about what we want or to whomever we want (otherwise I'd exclusively reserve every single word for Phoebe Buffay, *YES, I'm on a F.r.i.e.n.d.s bender... next is House*, and yes I know she's a scripted character, but that's just the thinking of a common sapien. RISE ABOVE! THINK DIFFERENT! VIVA!!).... whenever we want. Society you sick deluded SOB. So what if I want to talk colliding blackholes and my newly discovered kinks to my taller friend (get you a tall friend, those extra inches go in the ratio 2:1 to their ticker) during their Osteodonto-keratoprosthesis or even better their hemispherectomy (hehehe I made you look... Also, see I'm a good student, I've been revising in preparation for house.)

All in all, I am well, I set out on a journey to find myself and to be more of a doer than a sayer this year.... Turns out you need money and energy for either.... Who woulda thunked. Thank the creator this bridge between you, dear reader and I was built as tough as the Golden Gate Bridge. Unshaken. (Wait, what? The towers once swayed 16 feet each way? And it once sank Seven feet? Huh... Okay)

I don't know where I was going with this. If you think about it though, noone truly does. We all just wake up and attend to our respective labours. (I mean we're doing alot more than 12 so I'm sure Hercules would be proud.) Should your labour feel too difficult, we live in a society, reach out, talk to someone, that alone supposedly solves half your problem. Or go at it like me, keep an online journal which almost gave you a heart attack because the link to it changed with no notice during your hiatus.

I wonder if the plural for hiatus is Hiati... Regardless, choose your labours wisely and attend to them well because I guarantee you you chose them yourself. That choice isn't good or bad, it simply is nothing more or less to that.

Oh look, goats on a mountain. They're so free.. well they're not, but as their shepherds, are we?

Love Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

Vermilion, not Scarlet

You know the weirdest part,

It makes sense that she's more the male Scarlet Tanager than the female. Nothing subtle about her, "unmistakable in summer—bright red with black wings and tail", "coloration is intense and deeply red", "active during the day but often stay out of sight", "look for them in large, undisturbed tracts of forest". They're not even trying to mask that the bird observed her patterns and adapted accordingly.

She comes from a long line of intelligence, grace and beauty couple that with a fire and scorn for humanity as we are that equal parts cannot be doused. Water simply acts to nourish the flames. Her red feathers heralded by all, a sight and a comfort to any eyes while the black wings keep a necessary distance from all for her "poor impoverished heart". She that despite insecurity and slight anger issues is meant to transcend all limited understanding of what it entails to be human. No colloquial or dictionary definition is sufficient I kid you not.

Captivated by her already? No? I proceed then.

I don't know how many of her faithfuls you've met but each one can testify that she always walks into your life when you least expect it, but precisely when you need it. See my life is pretty sealed off but this girl, with both a skeleton key and brute force sufficient to break down any door, used neither and simply used the sky roof, as if held open simply for her. Scaled the walls and rappelled her way in, grabbed me by the waist and shot back up, above those walls. My first taste of the sun was on that roof, above those walls. How could I ever go back in. Her methods aren't conventional by any definition of the word but my are they effective. Undeniable is the impact she leaves on you, like a scar that reminds you of the kidney that was donated to you, purifying your life, life just isn't, without it.

I started this story to tell the tale of the girl who saved me, more accurately, she who showed me salvation is available to all. Not the bible salvation no, but it also could be, I don't know, sometimes she speaks in tongues then cover's up her inter-dimensional lingua by calling it Sanskrit. Like we don't already know she's speaking the language of the gods. The language of all understanding.

Its the closest thing to a deity I am yet to experience, and by virtue of that you now know that she might be extraterrestrial, so I can't give you her name for safety purposes. Also because yaal can't handle her and she already has a hard enough time with the few humans she's encountered, case in point me, I'm a pain.

This life neither diminishes nor adds value to her being. Complete in a sense, a nurturer, she who cares so much, born into a world that badly needed her and hopefully the small handful of other people like her that are out there. They that are truly human. She and her kind are the only ones who deserve a piece of existence on this floating rock, in this mass of stars and gases and dark matter.

Red, I truly cannot find the words to define what you are because you surpass my understanding in endless ways, but for you I am eternally grateful. Hopeful that you find all that you seek. Bewildered at your every action. Amazed at your compassion and consideration for what the rest of us would consider insignificant. This world doesn't deserve you but you deserve every ounce of joy and beauty that it has to offer.

Forever yours.

Love Ace

[redheadedafrican]

Pied Piper

Without any burning emotion, spark of inspiration or any particular topic I feel I need to address, maybe I should actually put some effort into this one.

Time to see if I'm actually any good at this.

Walk with me.

I loathe self help books. Barely get to turn the first page before the snoozles come calling and I'll wake up to a miraculous page 57 with the light on an a timestamp 1.17am (My ability to assimilate knowledge in my sleep is undeniable and, if I do say so myself, second to none) . It's not that I cannot read these books but in a sense, I reaaaaaaaly really really don't want to. I do not appreciate an author who is simply forcing his opinions down our throat and expecting us to adopt these opinions and sentiments as our own and shape the rest of our lives (or the two weeks it takes to finish the book and a bonus application week) accordingly. (please tell me you see the hot flaming irony)

No, I like my books old-school, fiction with a plot that will keep me enticed with a character development unparalleled and only in competition with the characters ability to overcome. Orrrrr... Thousand paged and filled with theoretically psycho-analytic references from these big names synonymous with understanding of the human nature and the human character. (oh the temptation to strew emojis all through this piece) I've really come to appreciate avid readers who appreciate every literary works for what it is not for the plot or the lesson, they literally don't judge the book by its cover or its caption. Today you find them with a copy of 'the mind of the moralist', tomorrow 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck'. And the next, they're re-reading 'the fault in our stars' a sixteenth time.

So my boss has this friend, who I think is also an advocate.... I met him in a brown padded jacket, white khakis with multiple ink-stains in questionable areas, had a scruff and a few white hairs despite seeming like he's in his thirties. Oooh and the boots, can't forget his signature worn out brown boots. The first time I met him is when he came to the office to help in preparing for a complicated appeal involving sums of money I only see when the TV is broadcasting another graft scandal charge. I walk into my boss' office and at the first glance, assume that this is one of those sumbua clients, you know, the ones who you know from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay then and they have an issue in your area of profession so you kinda have to help them.

Fast-forward and I walk into this humans office to an amazing sight.  Chaos and pandemonium cannot even describe what I was looking at. But, there was something, something in all this crazy that was just beautiful. On his desk, two books, no bookmarks but you can tell they've been touched very recently. All round the office, piles and heaps of well kept but slightly worn books that you can easily tell were store bought. On floors on cabinets, behind glass cabinets on top of and behind everything there was a book. Thousands of pages of hundreds of paperback texts of all sorts and all genres.. Scenic can't even define whatever I was looking at in that small cramped office. I dont think he noticed my shock but I also don't think he's very in touch with humanity so I cant blame him.

(here's what I didn't mention, when this man spoke about the matter that he had no more a stake in than giving my boss some advice on a few angles of approach, we were in utter awe and it seemed like neither my boss or I could argue out a single fact from the massive bundle that we had worked on for hours on end.)

I still don't know if the man is briliant because of his reading culture or intelligent in addition to it but I get this slight fangirl giddyness every time he opens his mouth to make a point. And I want to have that. The kind of reading culture that can enable me to deliver that kind of flood of dopamine every time anyone thinks of even opening this little online diary.

Maybe I should get over my issue with authors who reference 700 authors in their 300 page book, giving me advice on who I should be tomorrow. Maybe that's not what it's all about and it's okay to have preferences and judge and still be good at this.

Maybe then I'll end up somewhere on a pdf printout on this legendary man's four rented walls. Maybe even on his desk at some point. A boy can dream. Oh wait, I can't call myself that anymore, shit.

Anyway, back to media consumption like the sheep I am. I'm sorry I lost my point somewhere in here and somewhere between Yvone Okwara's thighs.

Goodnight.

And happy pre-birthday MC, I doubt you read these nightly rants though.

Next time on this series of things I'm highly opinionated about but are actually clueless on............ photography.

Love Vinnian.

[redheadedafrican]

Ringing

I was born into a world. A beautiful existence brimming with life and love. Beauty as far as the eye can see. Grace outpouring into the very fabric of life.

I was born into a world where passion and zeal are celebrated and revered where skill and craft are honored and appreciated, a world where man must be for his worth to see.

I was born into a world of opinion and thought. A remarkable macrocosm filled with sound minded and opinionated beings who must be heard and whose voices will not be silenced. An age where nature itself whispers in joy and shrieks in pain at the unconscionability of its inhabitants. The era of rights and expression from the life fibers in everything.

I was born into an age where love and power, like star crossed lovers, dominant and untenable, reign unquestionably. Where power dominates and love is the drive. Where man ceases to be without either or the other.  A reality of a passion that drives every interaction, every pursuit and lack which of translates to a shell existence.

I was born into an era when man has conquered so much, when egoistic altruism shapes our very existence, making life one with littlle hardship, for they with means, giving us all the peace to think and the thought we formulate is one of an existential-philosophical nature, is life life or a slow death. Do we chase the end or run and come across it.

I live in times when man is. When it remains unfathomable for man not. For what is an existence without. What is life if it lacks.

I know as much about this existence as much as I know about the tip of my own nose without a mirror in sight. I know as much about this life as I know about the taste of my own saliva, not a drop of water in mind.

Knowing so little, how can society claim to understand the very fundamental reason why. How can this life push me into a bubble of ignorance and self-insufficiency. This life that I have been convinced to barely regard and recognize as my own, how then can I fall to any more hale on how the life that is my own that isn't my own, an existence in futility can achieve meaning.

By stripping away the essence of life how can we purport to give it meaning, we simple creatures without basic knowledge of one limb from the other. Without the understanding of these skins we wear and whether they form part of who we are and influence the bulk of our interactions.

What is I without and who am I if I don't. Many a tale are told of how to go about but as Lao Tzu once said, if we are aware that we have achieved then what have we achieved. (I misquote). Is a virtue a virtue if it becomes aware of its virtuous Ness, does it remain virtuous if pursued to meet the ends of its virtuity?

I remain as ignorant as  the day of escape from my mother's womb, as the day seed met the egg to determine my conception. As it seems I shall forever remain as ignorant until my last breathe I take. Is there hope for a being such as I relishing happily in utter ignorance of anything beyond my perception of sight.

Am I in pain or pleasure, is this a cry for help or a song in jubilation at a miscomcieved realization.

But to they who dare take up a finger in analysis of another, how much can they speak of their own, while we were all born into this, with little to no knowledge of what is...

My iteration of Charles Bukowski's born into this

Love vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

The Script

Hey,

I know it's been a while,

I'm sorry but I never made any promises,

I'm not really sorry, but I am polite sooooo..

Okay maybe not that either, I'm socially conditioned?

Well that was a quick self-realization, should we just end it here?

Anyway, you knew this wasn't meant to be ordinary or in any way formalized, we don't owe each other anything. Plus it's our thing, we don't do timelines or commitments do we?

However(so serious, smh), I have a question for you,

In between your life as you live it, and your truth as you know it in your head or heart.... Which do you think you play best? Which one deserves the Oscar for best actor/actress?

Sorry, did I come on a little too strong considering the distance and time since we last, you know, did it, did this...

Anyway, let me ask you this, how often do you integrate the two, I know they're extremely different, but how often do you go to your friends with your truth. Would they be accepting? Would they acknowledge and accept that perception on things? Inversely how often do you allow your truth, your self actualized realest self, how often do you let your life as is seep into it and see the whole picture of who you are.

Maybe you're just that good an actor, being able to cross the divide at will, maintain the balance every other time. If so I accord you much deserved regard.

Most of us out here, we can't even tell where the acting begins and our self ends. Well, we're mostly too lazy to seek or holding onto our crooked misperceptions since there's comfort in the familiar.

But let me ask you, since we're thigh deep in a global pandemic, how well are you handling the balance without the distractions? Without the friends, the constant supply of media since I'm guessing by now you've seen everything, without the parties and the supply I'm guessing your plug is somewhere in narumoru, without the deadlines and timelines for submissions and all? How do you like yourself now?

You're probably drowning yourself on Twitter, tiktok and memes since God forbid you take a second to be alone with your thoughts, Let alone introspection. Anyway, no worries, it's the great lie as proposed by many a scholar and many a poet (if I read anything past my notification beep, I'd probably list a couple for credibility). Seeking at any little misdirection to avoid the feel, the sense. I'd hate to see what happens to you when KPLC decides you don't deserve the gift of light for a day and your wallet is empty. That hostel/single/bedsitter/one br/masionnette turns into a prison doesn't it? An inescapable mental fortress.

Do you like yourself then,

Do you enjoy your story then?

Do you like who you are and become?

Do you still maintain the lie, put up the act?

Are you still that confident you know yourself?

Do you still know you? Thought from act? Truth from show? Do you know where you start and society ends? Where the play begins and life ends?

Does the divide even exist?

Who are you behind the curtain or is the show your purest story?

Fuck 2020 right? Forcing you to deal with all this, but hey, atleast the virus may get you before the drowned thoughts do.

F2020 by Avenue beat in my background.

I reckon you have some cognition to do.

Love Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

Chain Link Hedge

I have writers block.(I made funny..........) I'm not a writer.

I'm cranky, I'm nagging, my communication skills are subpar, practically nonexistent, I'm annoyingly self-absorbed, self-involved, my triceps(let's all gather round the great oak and laugh at my nonexistent reference) hurt. I probably just need to sleep or something.

The above subtext should probably be somewhere toward the middle of this 'dondoo'.

Dear diary, and poor mistaken reader looking to show their loyalty of sorts by offering words of affirmation at the end of this little rant, it's been a while since I took to words as my desired mode of expression. Formulating context from single unrelated syllables and tying them in such a manner as to develop coherent, relevant, speech or text is just such a hassle.

But, alas, I turn to you again oh language of the poets for there is no greater medium to outlay the impact that the finer gender has left in my emotionless existence. In detailing my chronicles, prior to my rude awakening into a world of laziness and meaningless existence in search of the root and worth of it all, I wished for you all to view my world through my eyes, and they're not really mine anyway are they Red? Marred by opinions and a society and environment I found myself in.

STATUS UPDATE: the quest persists, but where others discover beauty value and vibrance in everything they uncover through their unfiltered and pure view,

I, my friends, like a man downing his 15th shot of Chrome, can only see the plain and emptiness of it all, all the while making faces similar to the man who feels that bitter disgusting drink slide down his throat. (I really don't envy you long neck tall people.)(Huh, maybe that drink is my truth, know what, I'll give it another chance if I survive this pandemic.)

The only thing we can be sure to take away from all this is our experiences, I think, probably, I don't know... But the experiences are what we truly cherish.

Well... What I truly cherish. Its these that give me the zeal to get out of bed in anticipation of a new day, good or bad, happy or sad, scandalous or saintly, it matters not, I embrace them all as opportunities that arise within my day. I don't really know or care how that factors into anyone around me and their own experiences in their day, but isn't that the beauty of this intricately beautifully woven web of life. Each with their own design somehow interlocking with everyone else's and each person given the choice on how to react or respond if they're keen enough to notice, to every small intertwine with any other part of their environment and the broader scheme and the grand design if you care to imagine it.

Over a plethora of intertwines and disconnects we get to choose, if we haven't fucked ourselves up enough, the experiences that mould us and help us grow and awaken to this existence and all it has to offer. And you know what, some of them leave an annoyingly impactful impact.

I met her in a classroom, sometime in the last quarter of a year of my existence, and since then, she's always been too good to me and for me. It's easy to take advantage of a person's presence once your stories become so tangled but she's always there, an understanding heart and an open, sometimes unreasonable mind that yearns openly and earnestly for a peek into the mind and emotions of anyone willing to express themself, without a shred of criticism or an ounce of retort.

Happy birthday on your birthday.

Love Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

The Borehole Initiative

The Cockrell humanoid (me an intellectual saying chicken man) is back to regale you with semi-intelligible tales of life as it is in his current stage in life.

Let us commence.

I would ask how you've been, but I don't really care and you don't really exist soo.. There's that😅

Whats been going on with me.... Well..

I was in an intellectual inquest, a search for the unknown, a bid for the boundless. I say was but find myself soliciting an understanding of the human thought process by your reaction to this post,

Ironic isn't it...

Alas, I have my answer, it truly is useless,

I find myself accumulating information which may be great as a conversation piece, plus a few survival tricks and a number of how to's but, that's all it adds up to, information.

You know what happens when you accumulate so much information, you become annoying, like really annoying, You find your conversations having a lot of "by the way...... this this originated from this this and does this this," it becomes a default, it's not even your fault, 😂😂 it's not even that interesting. The kind of conversation even I, who is amused by talk of ants, wants to knock myself out of. But alas, you find yourself craving more and more, wanting to know more, understand more, to no end whatsoever but thats what it does.

Maybe this is what sapiosexuals (you know, the Instagram bio everyone had a while back), really feel,

Or what the novel people (do they have a collective name? Booklovers?) constantly seek while emersing themselves into genre after genre, story after story,

Or what physicists crave in their perusal of page after page of research papers and analysis of theory after theory, contrasting opinions, criticisms and all,

But yes, this is my life now, Ted talk after Ted Ed after how to after know more after wikifeed after history Chanel after discovery. I can't stand not knowing, it's never related to my career though.

What is a career anyway,

Let the exploit proceed!

Viva

Love Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

An Eye for an Eye

I got into an uber with random strangers and came out with my best friends.

You know how they say That silence is worth a thousand words, that the only friend who won't stab you in the back is the one you haven't met yet, that life is God's favourite zoo, that the prince always get a happy ending, and that the worst conditions bring out your true friend........ This has nothing to do with that bullshit.

So I'm caught between hell and a wet coat when this guy suddenly stretches out his voice to invite us (I'm already calling them an us) to share an uber with him. Let me give you a little context of this people who will soon be the next cast of FRIENDS (without Ross) ,

There's Felicia, outgoing in all aspects of the word, light, freckled, blonde with the hair like a hat and the life of the party

There's Tonia, the selfless, thick, dark angel who is responsible and mosy quiet, secretly waiting for an indescribable love

There's Mike, the benevolent nerdy geek with the beard who every lawfirm wants on their team due to his charisma and intelligence (and good grooming Ofcourse...)

Then there's Paniako, your regular old chicken man with the one move all night on the dance floor, the actual life of the party with a Meh complex and a hint of Narcissism

So in the dead of night (well about 7.30), these four make the most amazing trip through Bogani boulevard in search of adventure, freedom, fulfillment and escape (from the crushing Jaws of Kenya school of law) . None more aware that their fates are intertwined, linked and meant for greatness together. Conquering the lonely and Godforsaken world of the trip home and lonely August nights. They each face personal struggles and internal conflicts but feel each other's warmth and support, maybe coued with a little judgement from Paniako who thinks he can read people though having no degree in psychology or equivalent qualification.

These four travel in silence connected by a bond that no words can explain, that no quantum mechanics or enlightenment may dare understand, in a form of understanding unbeknownst to human kind, in peace and ease that can only be termed as otherworldly.

Oooooooh Ross was the uber driver.... We'll call him dick. Not even dick dared interrupt the solemnity and bliss in the air, true grace. Know what makes him Ross though, halfway through the journey and halfway through our telepathic memory and bond creation, he switches on the radio to some sad, depressing, Michael Jackson (God rest his soul) shit. Dude just cannot read a room, all that high energy, positive vibes and excitement, gone, because, he just had to show us he had a radio. What a dick.

I swear that was the longest ride to karen I've ever taken. Four freaking people all studying law, you would think they would find a common topic to discuss like an ugly lecturer or cafeteria food or the kisumu prison visit, or how we all hate CLE (yeah noone is bringing studies into an uber ride). It's not even like anyone was on their phones.

Anyway, it made me re-realize that words are overrated, and so are smartphones. It's possible to express our individuality and who we are without using any medium, and still form connections with people. You shouldve heard us saying goodbye and parting ways at Karen stage, it's like we just attended some team building gig at the forest kereita (adsense hoyee) . I swear those people will be my best friends.

P.S. The 13 reasons why album is trash, as is most music these days, save for baby don't cry, and some song hapo that ends with bedbugs only bite the lonely... Know someone who relates?

Love Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

Sticky Note

Hi, chickenman here. The regular old, one dance move in the club all night(that you're not really good at either)(for every single song yo, across multiple genres if you've been in a nairobi club), guy. Recent discovery, it's so interesting that I'm not even going to go on YouTube to learn a new one. Prepare future bride, you shall do this dance on your wedding day, engagement party, proposal dinner, 3rd date and probably the day we meet.

So, the adsense money hasn't started coming in yet, (doubt Tumblr even supports that, I should move to wattpad like a normie...) so here I am, spiraling my thoughts onto this digital paper as usual FYI if anyone wants to get me an eink tablet, I'll appreciate, or not, since then you'll have a claim to my wealth when I go big and become a world renowned author (do I even want to do that?) So how are you world, how is life? Bland and unfair? The usual huh?

Dear e-diary, alot has happened this past week, it seems the dealer called life has dealt nearly everyone around me a bad hand, but ha ha, suck on the fact that we're all still smiling. It really has been a deeply disturbing week with a lot happening everywhere around me and myself, clueless as ever unknowing of how to aid anyone, but, they're all really strong, they'll overcome, it's the consequence of all social interaction, man is no island after all (cliché much?)..... I just found a three week old dirty sock in my bed, somewhere near my pillow actually, don't picture it... I can almost 100% guarantee it's not what you think. To think that such an black thing can go unnoticed amongst all this satin and cotton, not forgetting this kingsize soft goodness.... (told you you couldn't picture it.)

I don't know what to say to my friends, I don't know what to say to my cousins, I don't know what to say to my girlfriend who marks a milestone with me today, I don't know how to do anything except be there. In all honesty I feel like a child who is blowing on his mothers cut as her finger is dangling and she's bleeding to death to try and make the pain go away. And I don't even know what I'm supposed to do, pray? Is that enough? Anyone else take food to their bed all the time and now there's this one ant that you keep blowing off the bed but keeps climbing back up like theres some gold deposit you stupid ignorant human couldn't possibly see? And you've been blowing it off since 4.am and it's not a school day so you have no idea why you were up at 4? No? Just me? Okay...

So anyway there's this song by marshmello called angklung life and I swear when I hear it, I hear aqualife, or akongo it's so good for bathroom dancing (yes with my single dance move) or you know, actual clubbing with drinks and girls (yawn) and such a Friday upper even though none of us know what it means. Not even Mello himselufu. The ant's back again...

Im attracted to strong people. I know they'll pull through.

Oh, why chickenman? They bite me so often you'd not have a problem seeing my perfectly developed talon? Claw? That scratchy little thing on their legs. Also, have you seen me run?

Love Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

Human Resource

I think we need a purge...

Just stop reading this, take a second, look around and tell me how many smiles you see. How many genuinely happy people can you see in your immediate surrounding.

Now confirm if this is what you see, people in their phones, a 'debate' somewhere in a corner, some guy looking out of place and awkward, everyone slightly slouched down, people staring off into space (or you know, moving cars and passing buildings if you're in a mat) generally no happy faces save for some group of friends somewhere talking about barlicenses in muranga and threats on some poor NACADA guy's life or the fact that tomorrow is the weekend.

Then all of a sudden, a confrontation breaks out somewhere and everyone's concentration is on it. Everyone wants to see/witness it. They live to witness it then narrate it later, don't believe me? Ask kina MC if I won't tell them about the conda and the dude with the beard who almost went to blows just now.

But as I watched them, I realized I actually did want them to move to blows. Then I wanted to beat up the bearded guy, then I look at the guy seated next to me minding his own business and I want to beat him up too. (I'm sure his dead uninspired eyes were conveying the message that he also has it out for me. Why else would they look like that?)

Just stop reading this, take a second, look around and tell me how many smiles you see. How many genuinely happy people can you see in your immediate surrounding.

As I write this I remember my girl, one of the happiest, happy go lucky people will probably question my mental state and I won't have an answer for her. How can I explain what an entire nation is feeling. She won't buy it. But she'll ask ka niko poa a few more times just to see if I understood it yet....

My point, I think there's a lot of pent up aggression in this country, in my region, in my immediate surrounding. If you're keen enough you may see it. It's evident all the way from the CEO's of the country to us the shareholders. At the top you see muscle flexing and power struggles every single day, you dont have to pretend to be a keen observer(like me), just watch the news.

At the bottom, just watch the simple intelligible arguments you have nearly daily turn into near fist driven violent arguments. Watch your face contort as you listen to people talk around you thinking how could a human being spew such utter stupidity.

This is probably why people turn to upbeat and melancholy music as a form of (fuck these waterfront assholes and their busted ass sewage system making my morning ride to school more miserable than it already is. P.s use this as a point of reference not to give me a corporate Job because I'll probably die of misery and boredom.) release thinking they relate to it, that they are understood. The rest of us turn to it to avoid this triggering social situations we have to bear before we have options.

All the more if you have a group of happy go lucky always smiling people around you, treasure them. Emulate them, it'll atleast help you not feel like a murderer every time you pick up a spoon.

Also, listen to Kate Tempest. She's so amazing.

Love Vinnian.

[redheadedafrican]

Claw the Soul.

None more deserving, none more entitled

None more suitable, none more distinct

Each valueless but some worth more.

Soo I'm standing at the stage waiting for a matatu and minding my business minding everyone elses I notice two girls approaching me. (no they're not, they're really just trying to get home to rongai if you can call that Rocky saltwater brothel desert a home). Did I mention one of this girls is uber pretty (si uber ya gari, uber ya extreme) and the other is meh. They get to the stage and a Rongao stops to pick them up almost as suddenly and what I see next is unscripted Sundance short film award winning gold. Meh girl is a little quicker on her stride and gets to the vehicle first. At this point I notice the car only has one good seat and so does she, but with no hesitation, she takes to sharing a seat, bumping hips with the conductor and her pretty friend claims the open seat like its her birthright.

They leave and off yonder across the great tarmac plane I spot two other harum-scarum youthful girls who I suppose could only be headed to their dorm *cough* sorry I mean hostel being so scantily dressed in a sea of suits and lavish. Anyway, our girls also suffer from the one pretty one not so much disease and halfway through their walk, the not so pretty one, stops, walks around the other and takes stage as a car barrier against her pretty friend. I can not for the life of me understand why she decided to do that but the pretty friend seemed not even to notice and continued on her way. As I took the time to observe the scant which does allow a gentleman to appreciate creation, the stage is slowly filling up and as I look back I see standing to my right, a lanky fairly lightskin fellow and another chap who looks like every other guy from western, no hate no shame no shade.

Standing near them is another pair (I'm really starting to believe that there's a plan by this girls who keep showing up in quite dissimilar nature.) who are also, no surprise one pretty girl, one other girl. So they decide to approach these girls (by this time the crowd is growing since matatus are scarce 'how even?') Somehow by some grand design, lanky light goes for the prettier girl and  every other guy guy, who had been throwing glances at the prettier girl for a while now, goes for the female version of him.

Im there a while longer and soon after, I look to my left and right and all I see is lanky cool guy on his phone being chill and other lanky light guy(who is impeccably dressed) talking to some other girl. I suddenly start noticing how short I am and how my shirt is slightly sticking out above the belt.  The disease is creeping on me too.

So I finally make my way home and I'm noticing that this scenario is recreating itself all over. People are demeaning their own interests to allow those with slightly more attractive features to have their way and trample on them. Sad right? I'm home, I'm thinking of how I'm going to lazy so hard all weekend long (I'm crushing this btw) and I decide to watch some YouTube. Among the first suggestions is BBC 1's playground insults feat Chris Hemsworth and Scarlett Johansson. This episode is the shittiest form of entertainment I have ever seen. Absolute garbage, but it's hosts are there chuckling and acting impressed by the level of 'flack' C&S are giving each other, (you're really ugly. You're sweater looks like my grandmothers). Nonsense.

So by this I realize that it's true, people do reduce their own status, their worth, for other more physically 'attractive' people (or so they tend to believe). Hence 80-90% cases its the guy who goes out of his way to get the girl. What it's life. Apparently, realization and attempts to remedy the same without having full acceptance of your nature and worth regardless of all other factors, and placing value in humanity based solely in each person's mere life is what causes the napoleon complex or the Leprechaun effect, where you try to overcompensate or deny the situation and the effect is any one of the mental instability issues may come calling, the rage, depression, any one of the emotional extremes. This is when you hear. Someone got so jealous they killed.

Anyway, now I know it's a problem, stage two we think solutions, and I have none. I'm just your life's little observer.

Love vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

The Rivers flow.

For want of nought and lack of all.

For depth we seek but such seem mire

Information in mass knowledge in need

From the pool we drink a hive we be

Who is me in a sea of we

Shall I give you a minute to internalize it, shall I explain what I mean, shall I give you an indepth look into my mind, into my percipience, into the hassles I create and the answers I seek?

Shall I tell you from whence my thirst flows?

Can you meet me at my need and feed me that for which I desire?

I wish not to write today but to leave you with this little thinker and as I am still in class, I'll see you in my next post.

Love Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

“The words kept burning,”

— Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry wr. c. September 1937, featured in “Diaries,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

[redheadedafrican]

Don't Be A Groupie

Soooooooooo, Ive got a question, are you a groupie?

Did you groupie mom and groupie dad get together and make a groupie you?

Did your nigga Katie give you great advice?

Are you on the list of fake niggas?

Do you carry yourself like a professional, like aaaa professional man?

Are you loyal, do you know what happened to loyalty, is it hard for you?

Are you vulnerable?

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, a really good friend of mine pointed out that I may be very insecure. Obviously She's not the first and clearly now I don't remember what the context of this discussion was, brain the size of a tadpole, but the thought hung around in my little tadpole and suddenly popped back up while listening to the album Yxng Dxnzl.

Guess who's shocked to realize that she was right.

But, I have a contrasting opinion, see if some of us don't have time, some of us have time, some of us performing at half time, some of us boycotting half time reparations will never get back to us, 'house nigga'. I digress. She was right but, are insecurities insecurities if you've ingrained them into your being?

Allow me elaborate, everyone has demons right? But when you've tamed yours and they become part of your thought process, then can we really say that they haunt you. I mean, when you've become quite content with the entirety of your being insecurities and all, are you still insecure? Patricia (our new doctor, psychology friend, something) might argue that its not healthy and issues should be worked through. I mean now that I think about it, she did seem pretty happy overall, and pretty cool as a human, I wonder if thats what it is to be psychologically healthy....

Nevertheless, there is a special breed of human who are okay with their insecurities, these people don't open up to others and let the outside help them, no, these people analyze their own issues and deal with them themselves. These people are also called sociopaths. Who in their right mind can dissect their own mind, find out what ails it, fix it and go back to humanity all better and healthy, like they didn't just perform some life defying experimental procedures on themselves that someone else had to go to school for seven years, get two years of experience and read soooo many books and theories by some dead people that it would shock you. It's highly unlikely that our little sociopath was actually able to solve the issue, the more probable answer Patricia would give you is that these (us) people may somehow manage to find the issue but instead of dealing with it, they push it down and I grain it into themselves through an even more tedious process that they're okay with it. But, they're not. In most scenarios, just like when buying off counter medicine, we misdiagnose the issue then pretend we're okay with it all the while its slowly eating at our soul then go axe welding or we start developing suicidal tendencies. Okay it might not be that serious, in my case and many others it shows through passive aggressive tendencies.

In most cases, in the process of convincing the world and ourselves that we're good, we somehow manage to find people who have in excess what we feel we lack and become leeches, parasitic little creatures who depend on others to get what we lack. Somewhere along this line the parasitism becomes symbiosis and that's how relationships and marriages work. Because noone is ever 100% okay, unless you're Sadhguru or Patricia. The reason we're human is because we have humanity within us, this humanity is borne out of humane-ness which is in turn born from concern for others and this concern depicts humility and compassion which are in turn characterizations of relativity which is definitive of understanding. How can we understand if we havent experienced (faccs).

We will never admit to having this problems so we may never have them solved. Instead, for the entirety of our being, we will live to Deny Deny Deny all the while constantly performing brain surgery(since emotions are just neurosensational experiences) to deal with or accept our underlying insecurities.

It may spill out from time to time, but we manage to convince others we're okay all the while convincing ourselves. And when you get to the point of complete harmony between you and your insecurities, you have obtained Vin. The character of being me. Never worry humanity, I am your beacon of hope that you may also surpass your insecurities and be a poise ass human like myself.

Demons in one hand, insecurity on the other, both at my mercy since I can crush them anytime, out here being helpful to humanity, one article at a time

Did you guess who was shocked to realized she was right? Answer is... Not me, I always knew.

Vinnian

[redheadedafrican]

"Personal album is the excuse"

Hey ho

So I walk into my mothers house today to pick up my laptop, (I know I should call it home, theres a comfort and peace associated with that house so I just go and sit there from time to time ) and as I leave, my parents stop me. My dad, ever the caring one asks me why Im angry all the time nowadays, mother pitches in and says that this isnt who I am, this isnt my face, that I used to be a happy person. My dad adds onto this and says he also doesnt understand why and is also concerned since I was one of the people who lit up a room when they walk in. Brimmimg smiles cheering everybody up and conversating excitedly with everyone. I just look at them like they just landed from an episode of Attack on titan (oh right, you're all Normies, ummm what do you people relate to.... Walking dead?) yeah, so I give them that look, tell them Im fine, pick up my shit and walk out.

I dont really dig into it at the moment.

I walk in my house( you know what I mean) and suddenly realize as I walk in, the scowl is back on my supposed happy go lucky face. Huh, thats weird. I brush it off and go sit down.

I get my meal and as Im seated watching Tokyo ghoul (technically repeating it) I finally begin to understand what Rize was telling Kaneki at the end(Im sorry, I know my usual audience doesnt understand what Im talking about.. So Im seated there watching the protagonist have his toes ripped off one by one and growing back and all the while counting back from 1000 in 7second intervals you know, 993,986,979.... So he has an internal conflict and the care free, human binge eating, vile woman whose organs were implanted into him and which also turned him into a human eating ghoul who he still sees from time to time when he's about to give up (too weird? Trust me, anime is in no way for kids) shows him the error in the way he's been living. The error of not taking a stand. The error of being nice and not being firm in support of what you want, the error of trying to understand everyones point of view. So he snaps and decides to be strong and says fuck it to niceness.

What was my point again?.... (20 minutes later) aaah yes so Ive come to the realization that our generation is much like this. We've all been raised up eating morals for breakfast, tolerance for dinner and sleeping on a bed of indulgence. Whats the result? A bunch of mindless individuals who are all too eager to please everyone and shut up whenever they have a contradictory opinion. They turn into appeasement junkies with a heckload of baggage in the form of passive aggressive thoughts and behaviors. They are glum all the time and have little excitement about their life thats unfolding at such a rapid rate and they avoid making connections for the fear of being used as their used to or dissapointment which they will again have to deal with internally.

I think this is why this generation can't even maintain healthy relationships with individuals, including family. So instead of being an angry passive agressive human with nothing to enjoy for fear of dissapointment or dejection, be a fighter like Kaneki. Air out your mind and say fuck it, you deserve to atleast be true to your own opinions and self if not to fight for others you value. Its more healthy and maybe we can all go back to those smiling, happy go lucky individuals who dont only smile to take selfies.

Love Vinnian.

[redheadedafrican]

Crack in the ceiling

Its a hard knock life, for us, its a hard knock life, for us, instead of treated , we get tricked, instead of kisses, we get kicked, its a hard knock life. ( Im pretty sure you're all- probably my avid seven or nine readers- hearing the song in your head)

Otoko, translated to mean man(you should hear the way they say it in anime. So macho, so strong, such a hero, I guess as all men should be). I come to you (in peace), and with a troubled heart. Among your lot of happy go lucky hopeful and motivated normal individuals, I beg the question... Is there a place for a man, devoid of ambition, in this world. Ambition or purpose or drive, juzi my pastor said a goal is the most important thing in life, but, what happens when you achieve it, what next, have you completed your lifes purpose, have you left a mark significant enough as a man? I think its all about the drive to set an even bigger goal, a larger dream, that ambition to always yearn for more.

But,

What about that idiosyncratic man. He who fails to see the bigger picture that the entire world supposedly visualizes so definitively, he who cannot for the life of him find his purpose, does he wander around his entire life looking for his purpose, does he give up and simply watch life unfold before him and sway to the motions, does he transcend it all and. Enjoy the due process untill he finds his way, is he to be judged for this...

Society (his mom) begs him to get a grip, go out there and get a job(get a life as some call it, but is work really your life, shouldn't there be a disparity between the two?) so he takes up the "normal" cause of life and lives on just like any other happy go lucky android. Devoid of purpose, living as the master (society) commands. So caught up in fulfilling these expectations that he forgets to find out why he's doing all that and if there really is something more up his stream that identifies him and who he is as a man.

In a world filled with all sorts of achievers:  child geniuses, billionaire techpreneurs, people who defied all odds such as the every day streets to mansions story (thugnificent already took rags to riches so I'm at a loss), heroes of their own tale, where is this man's place. What is his fate, even his greatest achievements feel like the ordinary part of the system, like they're negligible because its just something he did. He doesnt feel any particular pride in it because, how could he, its not like he set it up to be his goal and obsessed over achieving it all his life, and can now fully claim it,  no, he studied medicine simply because he had the grades for it, specialized in neurology and obviously became a neurosurgeon, the president ended up on his operating table and, well he studied it, so he saves the presidents life. Goes down in history but, he doesn't revere in the achievement, its just something he did in his short stay on earth.

So, that begs the question, is he to leave earth with his head hung low with that constant nagging feeling that there was that one thing, that one point of life that he missed. Is the 20 year old looking upon his achievements to be swayed by the expectations of society to be like him  and should he folliw suit also miss this point. Is there hope for each of these individuals to find that thing that gives them the drive they need, shall they ever admit their fears to society. Shall they live on as puzzle pieces, remodeled to fit? Not knowing if they were a sidemirror of the headlight?

It truly is a hard knock life living like a broken clarinet in a jazzband.

This message is sponsored by my bed, my drained laptop and one cold May afternoon.

P.S

Man means mankind for all you shrewd sagacious feminists. The way God intended it to mean.

Love Vinnian.