recaffeine

[recaffeine]

11/21/2024

I remember when I was younger, my best friend Andrew stole my gameboy color. It was a yellow game boy color and over time, I grew to hate him. This was one of the first childhood betrayals that I experienced growing up. It's interesting that is replicated again through my aptitude towards befriending other people even at this age. I am faced with meeting unkind people. I am fooled because nice people and kind people do the same things in the beginning. It is only over time that I am able to see their true colors.

I felt the same sneering. I understood the same scoffs and silence that would occur. Victoria was a friend but I experienced a level of imbalance in our friendship. What I experienced was that she was a friend who spent a lot of time taking. She took and took and took. She was there when I created plans to create good memories. She was not there when I couldn't do that.

This all goes back to the game boy color that was taken from me. I think about Calvin doing the same thing too. They were there just to take something from me. They were not actually there for me. I chose to be a friend to Calvin even after everything. I could have chosen to let Victoria go home on her own to take care of Calvin. I chose to assist in bringing him to the hospital. I chose to assist to bringing his car home. I chose to assist in aiding to find his wallet.

In the end, the Chu family just took as much as they could from me. What they wanted was how I lived my life and formed the bonds that I had created. When I wasn't in town, they still chose to take it. That has always been their nature. I think that I've given so much so them over these last few years. I think I've helped to give them a treasure trove of good memories. That is theirs to keep.

I hope to find friends like Anh and Alec in the future. Because they exist, I know that there are more people out there. I don't want to shut down and have more trust issues again. I just want to try to be wiser about who I let into my life. I want more giver-giver relationships. I can't be around takers anymore. Never, ever, again.

[recaffeine]

11/16/2024

I don't even think it was Victoria's fault. We can talk about the tragedies that overcame her family. We can talk about how her razor sharp tongue came from a relentless family. I want to see the good in her still. I really do. My only problem is who is behind her.

We can talk about how Calvin is a burden to her. We can talk about how he went to the ER on her birthday. This was most likely her entire life. Her siblings being a constant source for her strife. Victoria may have chosen to not speak to me after I received my surgery but I don't need to seek revenge. She has to wake up everyday with her chaotic siblings. She has to always battle the shame that they are her siblings.

Her joy is continuously ruined by her siblings. Even now, I understand that I'm repelled by Victoria but it's not because of her. It is because of her brother. It is insane how even after saving his life twice and his own attempt at ruining my birthday; that he continues to be a blight towards everyone's life.

I find it quite difficult to ever forgive Calvin because he caused so much pain for Victoria. I find it difficult to forgive Calvin because he abusesAlec's trust and kind nature. I find it difficult to forgive Calvin because he caused Anh anxiety from his erratic behaivor. Finally, I find it difficult to forgive Calvin because of the pain and suffering he has created for me.

I am hurt because I trusted them.

[recaffeine]

11/16/2024

I want to believe that it is okay to have moments of pure sullen. I know that this has always been a part of me. Even before the therapy, the medications and the all the pain. Wired from the very beginning to a life of sadness and tragedy. At the same time, I've been lucky to experience true love. I've been fortunate enough to have a friend who would never betray me. I'm lucky enough to make my parents even a smidge proud of me.

[recaffeine]

11/16/2024

A part of me dreamt that I would heal from CPTSD but maybe all my critical and angered nature towards others around me has caused a level of relapse of sort. I see the worst in people and I'm unable to see their positive qualities any longer. I think this is part of the trauma coming back. I just don't feel safe around Victoria anymore. I don't know if there's a way out of that at the moment. I'm a bit broken hearted today. I'll try again tomorrow.

[recaffeine]

11/12/2024

Each time I feel like I’ve reached a new milestone in knowledge, another 10 levels appear. All the hours, the days, the weeks, the months and the years I've spent procuring knowledge to better myself. It appears that there will always be obstacles that are out of my brain's domain. I think the younger me would be sad because it will never be enough. The present day me sees this as the universe constantly expanding. If the universe is constantly expanding, so am I. This is what it means to be a lifelong learner. This is what it means to continue to grow more and more each day.

[recaffeine]

[recaffeine]

11/6/2024

The jaw surgery was a level of the season finale of 2024. With it came a lot. It marked a higher level of closeness again for the Foodie Four. It also was the end of the Victoria arc for quite some time. During 2023, I have to admit, I was doing my best to prevent with what the world was giving me. I was trying hard to protect the ones that I love and cherish.

What I've learned this year is that life must take its natural course. Like the waves of the ocean, it will ebb and flow; leaving me with little control over the final product. To be present and to be content means acceptance of whatever changes will happen in the future. That is what it means to grow. Growth is uncomfortable and rightfully scary.

Timeline of the jaw surgery:

24 hours before: I am able to sleep decently knowing that Alec, Anh, Tom and Julie will be there to help me get through it.

1 hour before the surgery: I remember being calm and the fear isn't there anymore. I'm ready to do this.

48 hours post surgery: I am pumped up with antibiotics, anti inflammatory medication, and pain medication. I appreciate that I chose Anh to be my life partner because she stays with me the first full 24 hours. She didn't eat much and having her there made me feel safe. On Day 2, she leaves the hospital for a few hours to eat and shower. I'm alone for just a few moments and I realize how absolutely terrifying it would have been without her.

Day 3: I check out. I was told that only 10% of Dr. Alfi's patients stay two nights at the hospital. Most choose to leave on the first day. My first meal of choice is pho broth from Pho Binh. It is a restaurant that Justin and his family used to take me growing up. It brings a lot of comfort to me.

Day 4-5: These are the most difficult days. I struggle stomach pain which could be from the inflammatory medication taking its toll on my stomach lining. I always had issue with my left jaw joint before the surgery and it starts to be extremely painful when I apply any form of pressure to my left side. I am only able to sleep on my right side at the moment. I try to ration my narcotic medication. There are only 10 tablets. I try to only take half doses every 6 hours.

Day 6-7: Recovery is going really well. I am able to be outside the entire day Saturday hunting pokemon cards at Collect-a-con. The event gives me a reason to move around. Day 7, we leave Houston and the ride back is not easy but it wasn't excruciating either.

Anh is the MVP of all of this.

Food/water: The training I obtain from the braces in the first year and a half allow me to transition quite easily into liquid diet. I am mostly drinking pho broths, egg drop soup, crab and asparagus soup, and wonton soup. We try using the immersion blender but it is quite messy and the consistency is not thin enough to use an oral syringe.

Mental health: I have spent the last 4 years fortifying my mental health. I believe because of my fiery spirit that I'm able to really power through this surgery without a hiccup in my mood.

Power up: If being a pharmacist was the mark of me becoming a super saiyan, my therapy/healing/knowledge journey of the last 4 years being super saiyan 2, this jaw surgery would propel to be ultimate gohan. My energy levels are out of this world and I'm able to make it through without any caffeine and adderall to make it through the day. I believe that this will be integral towards my dream of writing a successful book that will help others.

I have to admit that this year, I've spent a lot of it taking care of myself. I try to be there for others but it's not at the level that I'm normally accustomed to. I'm hoping that after my jaw surgery healing is complete, that I'm able to work towards my goal to help others with my writing.

Until next time.

[recaffeine]

10/18/2024

To Miss Tran,

I write this letter to you because I'm so grateful for all that you've done for me in our lifetime. I know that our relationship span is merely in its infancy. It's only been 2 official years. I'm blessed to have been able to spend so much time with you throughout my 31 years of living thus far though. Whether it was eating buffalo wild wings together with Ann or us working out together at the ULM school gym; it is these precious little moments that I'm blessed to have going into this surgery. Last night I was laying in bed listening to the undertale theme as I fell asleep. It was an emotional orchestra of His theme. I dreamt, I was at the bottom of a pitch black pit. I pictured all the painful emotions and memories I've experienced in my life gnawing at my skin and bones. Yet I didn't remain focused on any of that. In a blink of an eye, I saw stairs of light. I saw the beaming spiral and my feet moved on its own. I ran higher and higher. I never looked back at all the darkness that lay beneath me. For once in my life, I was able to choose to not look back.

At the very top of the stairs, I saw you. I saw you with everyone. I saw Alec, Victoria, Justin, Tom, Julie, my sister, my parents, Alex, Huy, Corey, Devin, Dylan, Anri, Chase, Quy, Hoang, Kaitlin, Han, Kevin, Jeremy, Trang, Trucly, Michelle, Thomas, Tu, Calvin, Ann, Dat and your parents. I saw more and more people who made such a shining difference in my life gather, even my exes.

You had such beautiful wings as you lead all of them. I know I've committed much atrocities in my lifetime to others. I know I've created shining moments of pure light and hope for others too. I know that life is multi-faceted and that I am a complex soul. I'm grateful to live with your light. I'm grateful to call you my number one. Thank you for all the moments we share together. When I tell that you I love you, there is power behind it. It's not words of a hopeless romantic. It's not the words of a hopeful romantic. It is the heavenly law that has blessed my life.

I love you.

Love, Tommy Sang Tran

To Alec,

You've saved me in ways that I'm sure that you still have a hard time wrapping your head around. Before I met you, a part me felt like all I could do was hurt, annoy or just frustrate other people. I stopped believing in my light for some time. With our bond though, it gives me hope that I can move past the limits that I've placed onto myself. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for seeing the wisdom and light that I have to offer. All my life, I think I just wanted someone to believe that I could do better. When you started to look up to me, I felt the desire to push beyond my limits. I wanted to be the hero that I always dreamed of being. A part of me still wants the admiration, but more importantly, I think I just wanted acceptance. I wanted to find a place where I could belong. It is with your help that I was able to help create that finally.

Love, Tommy Sang Tran

[recaffeine]

10/15/2024

There are 2 weeks left before the surgery. For most of my life I've felt the emotional heaviness of the pangs within my heart. Now, who is to say is this because of my obstructive sleep apnea or my trauma. Perhaps it is a combination of both.

I believe that this surgery is a stepping stone towards realizing my dreams. There have been many times that I felt as if I were prisoner in my own body. Is it ADHD or is it merely due to the lack of energy that I'm able to produce in a single day. How can I continue to write when I'm wrought with fogginess each day.

I know willpower can get me through many facets of life. I've been an academic my entire life and channeling my wit, I've been fortunate to achieve the majority of my goals that I set forth. There is still so much more I want to do.

In the back of my mind lays my only rival; the sabotaging version of myself. I still feel the teems of depression from time to time. It is not merely just sadness and anxiety anymore. I have channeled enough self love to give myself the grace. It is important that I try to root out the critical nature of my heart that I sow onto others. Though I know it is my own justified way of caring, I know that it helps neither party in the long run. I want to distill my knowledge to be informative yet kind at the same time.

I will keep moving forward with noble direction and a heart filled with light.

[recaffeine]

10/3/2024

To the Joker,

The truth is I always knew. I always knew how this would end up. I wanted more than anything to see the light in you, little brother. Yet you are you and I am me. It didn't have to be this way. I didn't want to end in a fight. Yet, here we are. I chose to heal and you chose to slander.

This final wound was one that I allowed to be inflicted upon me willingly. I knew the risk of trying to heal you one last time. I can still feel it. I can feel the mockery. I can feel the scorn. I can still feel the specks of light you tried to steal from me. I trace the scars of the lashings that you've created on this fragile heart. I sense the malice, the jealousy and the envy that pollute your thoughts.

The light within this heart though is bigger and brighter than our sun. It is powered by all that love me and powered by all the love I continue to give to others. It is a light that I will always try my best to shine until the day that I die. I will continue to hope for others everyday. I still believe in a brighter future. I will continue to put my trust in others because I want healthy loving bonds. I will not let your evil stop me.

You have created so many wrongs in this life and avoiding the past will only cause deeper wounds. You ran away from the only one that could offer you true help. You grasp on the ideas of self love but deep down I still see you drowning. I still taste the bitterness in your soul. A part of me hoped that the time skip would lead to growth on your end. Time spent away only revealed the true emptiness of your barren heart.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm severely disappointed and at the same time, a part of me still wishes healing for you. That's just who I am as a person. I refuse to take revenge upon you because I like who I became as a result of the experiences. All love given out into this world will eventually return. I'm blessed every day because at the end of everything, I've created reality from my fantasies. The magic I wield is something that I am grateful for every day. I think of the vitriol I could choose to send to you but I know that no revenge is necessary because rotten fruit will fall on its own.

I've always clung onto the hope that people can grow and change for the better. I have always believed in redemption and accountability. For the first time in my life, I have to let go that ideal. Perhaps this is part of my growth. Not everyone deserves another chance.

I decided to give you another chance and it left me with a pain that lasted for months this year. At the same time, it was a cost I was willing to pay because I have grown strong enough to bear it one last time. I wanted to be on the right side of history. I chose to forgive the insecure boy who projected all of his hatred of himself onto me. I chose to forgive someone who has betrayed me many times throughout my life. Whether it was playing a part in the high school cyberbullying scandal, or bad mouthing me in front of my significant other in college, I still chose to forgive you. Even during pharmacy school when you labeled me a toxic winner, I chose to let you know that I have forfeited so many of our duels to protect your ego. It was not an act of aggression. It was an act of pity. Each time, I chose to forgive the monster within you because I empathize with how much it must hurt to hate yourself.

I kept running away from that truth and through insidious ways that destroyed my own love for myself for a long time. When I let you go I was finally able to manifest healthy male friendships. I was able to work through the pain in therapy and create a bright future to cap off the end of my 20's.

You have been there for me as a best friend and you have also been a blight in my life. You have been my little brother and you have also treated me worse than my worst bullies. I have given so much and yet all you've ever done is taken from me. I can accept the full truth now.

A final act of self love means with this letter, I can finally let you go. I no longer need to hide behind the comfortable lies that I kept telling myself. I can let go of the hope that we can grow to finally be kind to one another. I can let go of my wish to be proud of your white coat.

Sometimes, there's no rehabilitation. Sometimes, there's no redemption arc. Sometimes, the villain stays a villain. Heroes and villains share the same pain. One chooses to help and protect others from it. The other continues to scorch the earth by projecting their inadequacies. I have to accept this is who you are.

Goodbye.

Tommy Sang Tran

[recaffeine]

9/6/2024

Generational trauma sometimes means creating unconscious situations to put oneself in the same familiar feelings of the past. It is far easier to create a route of self destruction than to experience new feelings of warmth and safety. It's interesting how the mind works. When you live a life full of abandonment and betrayal, what happens when you're surrounded by caring and loving individuals? The answer is simple: you betray yourself. You abandon the values that you hold so dearly close to your chest. It is the ultimate act of self-sabotage that leads one to continue the same tune of one's past. The mind chooses comfort over the possibility of love, connection and trust. They fear these possibilities not only in others, but especially in oneself. The mind will choose to propagate the feelings of anxiety by making oneself unsure about their choices. The mind will choose to propagate the feelings of depression by being overly critical of oneself and others. By focusing on the perceived flaws of others, one can continue to have the same rage and sadness that swept the past versions of oneself. To be free of these chains requires the ability to take a step back and introspect. Merely noticing the patterns allows partial control towards rewriting one's destined path. The next step is to honor the feelings while actively moving one's actions towards a more peaceful path.

I've been critical before and where has that lead me? Did it ever bring me joy? Did it bring me closer to others? Did it really protect me? Or did it just simply bring more isolation. It lead to bigger divides. It made me more sad in the long run. It was when I was open minded. It was when I was able to show compassion in the face of opposing values. It was when I chose empathy that truly gave me joy and contentment.

[recaffeine]

9/5/2024

The wounds of my past continue to surge through my veins. I can feel the rejection. I can feel the enumerate pain coming back, piece by piece. I was able to lay them to rest in the past few years but their embers always begin to flicker once more.

I cannot separate myself from the guilt, the shame, and the failures of my past. I know that I never was meant to do so. I've been trying to integrate my shadow with my light. It's just so difficult lately. How do I discontinue the paths of asunder? I must breathe and give the shadow a space of its own.

He is merely a misunderstood and hurt child. The same one from California. You're here now aren't you? You have a loving family, a loving chosen family and a princess that you can cherish for the remainder of your days. They're all still here. I need you to come join them again. You're starting to wander off.

You chose to forgo the crown this year because you fear that the egotistic tendencies will return. You fear the allure of power. You fear the abuse that may come with it. Have you been one to misuse the power for long? It is in knowing that there is corruption inside you that allows mindfulness to plant its roots. True strength comes from knowing your shadow and choosing not to allow it to harm others. Do not be afraid to wear the crown. Do not be afraid of sharing your light with the world. Trust in your two hands to create a kinder world around you and within you. I believe in you.

[recaffeine]

8/23/2024

A wounded mind is a sign that light must enter it.

[recaffeine]

8/22/2024

2024 has been an overall wonderful year. So many adventures continue to pile up:

Nier Automata Concert: Probably one of the best concerts I've gone to. It was beautiful to see my favorite OST live. Got to see Yoko Taro for the first time too! Anh was especially beautiful that day.

Going to Illenium (first ever club rave)

I am getting older because by the time 1 AM hit, I was ready to go home. One of my favorite memories was seeing the crew all yawn in unison.

2 weeks of going to Japan with Anh

I've found a life partner I can really be happy with. It took so much to get to this point, but if I had to do it again to get to be with her, I'd do it.

State fair episode:

It was fun watching Alec enjoy fair rides and it's been good to continue to be by his side cheering him on.

Birthday:

A culmination of all things. It was nice connecting with friends and overall celebrating the wins of this year. It was the most people I've ever had at my house.

Dave and Busters episode:

I want to play the hungry hippo game again..

IU/Atlanta

This was the longest road trip I've ever been on with Anh. Seeing IU was also a big bucket list item that was finally checked off. It was also fun taking Anh to the biggest aquarium in the US. Favorite memory comes from my gambit paying off. We were able to get floor tickets!!

Destin:

I was able to learn more about Victoria as a person during this trip. She really loves sea animals and would be a marine biologist if she had the time. It was enjoyable just going to the beach and watching the sunset with the crew.

[recaffeine]

8/5/2024

I'm so grateful for this year. It really feels like everything is finally aligning into place. There will always be issues out there if we look hard enough. I need to go with the flow and really enjoy the process of making things. It's been a long time since I tried to look at life with a bird's eye view. New perspectives are on the way.

[recaffeine]

8/13/2024

A steady climb with the prefectures of fate

How I wish to align them with my constellation

Singe me with the fiery kiss of clandestine hope

You've given me such nuggets of hope

I dare not waste it

Help me incorporate my sorrows

Let my fingers intertwine with my shadow

[recaffeine]

6/13/2024

I've gotten out of the habit of writing everyday again. It's been tough. I read a lot. I watch a lot of videos. It's just whenever I try to create; a mental blockage forms. They say that you do not need motivation to achieve your dreams. It requires discipline. I'm really trying to have both. I want to feel inpired.

My birthday was amazing! I was able to invite Devin, Corey, Alex, Alec, Anh, Victoria, Ann, Alaina, Kelsey, Jeremy. I'm 31 now and I loved that the COT was able to each individually get me a box of yugioh cards. They were so pricy... 150$ per box. They still did it though. I'm lucky to be surrounded by such good people.

My jaw surgery is coming up and maybe that's why I've been at a stand still also. It's been a bit stressful trying to get it all covered by my insurance. It was approved but they're still requiring a ten thousand dollar deposit. How the heck do I proceed?