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[reasonswhyilovelc-blog]

May 13, 2018

I miss you

I want to tell you that every single day is so much longer than the last.

I want you to know that when I move one small step forward, I blink and I’m a thousand steps back

I know that you’re in there locked away… Your body is still as beautiful and perfect as ever. But I have never loved you for your flesh.

My words used to crawl between your aching bones and heal them, and now they slip through your hands like grains of sand… and you are indifferent.

My mind dances down memory lane and I’m sitting in Denny’s with you for the second or third time. But unlike my usual, I get a stack of blueberry , white chocolate chip pancakes. They were amazing. But what really compelled me, was that every single Saturday and Sunday morning from then on, you made it your mission to make me the best pancakes you could, from scratch. Almost three years later, I haven’t told you that I never liked pancakes. But I would eat yours any day.

Now Saturday comes and I’m sitting alone on the couch drinking a cup of coffee that has seemingly gone cold.  

So I go for a drive , and the radio is a painful mix of all your favorite songs- The 1975, every hip hop song you blared as you cleaned your room, Mexican music, everything.

I remember when you asked me if I had ever been kissed in the rain , and I had never been kissed at all until you. You told me that you had. Then one day it’s raining and I wonder deep down , if you’re dwelling on that rainy kiss, and if you miss her. I realize it doesn’t matter , because it’s raining and I want nothing more than to press my lips against yours. Then I realize I would rather kiss you on a sunny day because your eyes look so captivating when the sunlight hits them. They look like melted gold, and I want to be rich.

When I go to sleep at night, I’m haunted by you. Firstly I can never fall asleep anymore. I wake up so , so early because the loneliness creeps under my skin. But my dreams are the worst- I dream of us in a beautiful home, designed exactly the way you wanted. The pancakes are there too, and the coffee, and you’re strumming your guitar. Right when you’re about to sing, you’re gone and I can’t stop hearing the music.

I remember when I asked you why you never bought me flowers, you went and got me the most beautiful orchid I had ever seen. Then I let it die on accident when we went on vacation. I remember you kept the vase that it was in and wanted to use it as a cup.

I realize that I’m driving so fast, I have to slow down. I realize that I’m driving, and that I no longer have the sweet privilege of sitting in the passenger seat, watching the wind rush and blow through your soft, fluffy hair and your beard. I’m the one behind the wheel, and I don’t know where I’m going, I just hope that you’re there… i look up , and realize the sun is gone, and that is is raining again.

[reasonswhyilovelc-blog]

100 Reasons Why I LOVE You.

1. He is my person… my best friend.

2. He is an honest and hardworking man. I have watched him start from the very bottom and he has slowly but steadfastly climbed the ladder towards his dream of being a lineman

3. No matter how awful we are arguing or fighting, he will always say “Good Morning” to me first, and I know I am always the first thing on his mind.

4. He buys me tacos whenever I’m craving them!

5. The way he speaks Spanish is so smooth and so sexy.

6. He takes care of me on ‘rainy days or during times when I forget to.

7. He challenges me, he knows I can surpass my own limitations. He never lets me fall short on my potential.

8. He sings to me when I am upset, it lifts the tension…

9. He sings!! It is so beautiful and so pure. If I have ever known passion in my lifetime, this is it.

10. He turns the seat warmer on in the car for me, on a cold day.

11. Holding his hand just makes me feel so complete and content.

12. His laugh. It warms my heart.

13. I love the smell of his sweat!!!!!!!!! It’s a serious problem that I have…

14. The way he makes love to me….

15.  He loves food as much as I do!

16. When I lost him, I prayed for him every single day. I truly believe God brought him to my life for a reason, I am grateful, thankful and blessed.

17. He does this thing, where he smiles with his eyes and I think it’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen!

18.  When I’m sick, he always overdoes it and automatically becomes my nurse.

19. He is so intelligent.

20. He is so talented with instruments… he is self taught

21. I once ordered a stack of blueberry, white chocolate pancakes at Denny’s and he made it his mission to make me the best pancakes I have ever had in my life. He succeeded.  

22. He is so good with his hands, I know that he has so much untapped potential and talent when it comes to doing handyman things or home improvement.

23. He came from nothing, so he is very humble and resourceful.

24. At one point in our relationship, I always asked him for his pickles when he got a burger. He would always give it to me without hesitation. Later in our relationship I found out he liked pickles, he just wanted to make me happy all the time. If that isn’t love then what is….

25. His positive outlook on life, love, everything…. I can only pray to have the heart that he does.

26. He loves dogs!! I love watching him interact with them.

27. He tries to stare at me through the side of his eye… like a creep lol.

28. I love the way he rushes out the door in the morning and never forgets to kiss me goodbye.

29. He is irresistible!!!

30. He introduced me to chaliquiles!!

31. I love how he is in touch with his inner child and isn’t afraid to watch cartoons and kid movies with me.

32. He willingly deals with me and my craziness… no matter what it entails

33. He is so cute when he sleeps and even though his snoring makes me go insane, I secretly love it.

34. He sat with me and pretended to be interested in  “Jane the Virgin”

35. I love the way he gets all excited and chipper when he is talking about work and what he did, and how great and confident he is about what he does.

36. He comes to my rescue… always

37. He loves my cooking!

38. He always keeps ol’ Betsey fresh and clean and in tip top shape.

39. He always gives me massages!!

40. He makes me feel safe.

41. He loves to watch movies with me.

42. He taught me a new meaning of LOVE

43. He never judges my music taste or my “DJ-ing” ability, he lets me play all my secret music, I never have to hide my playlists….

44. He has such a handsome face and the most gorgeous smile.

45. He looks at me in this way that no one has ever looked at me before

46. He loves to ask me for fashion advice whether we’re going to the grocery store or on a weekend getaway. I love being his personal stylist.

47. His smile lights up the room.

48. He always remains patient, even when I am losing my mind….

49. The way he makes me feel.

50. He gets my jokes and my sense of humor and he is never afraid to laugh with me in any situation. I swear, its so comforting.

51. The way his eyes look when they’re so focused on the road.

52. The way his voice sounds when he talks, I could listen to him speak all day.

53. He can’t handle when I tickle him.

54. He always wants to eat Ramen with me because he knows it’s my favorite, I know that he didn't really like it all that much at first. But he grew to love it because of me.

55. The way he looks when he wakes up in the morning.

56. When he wants to cuddle, he is the snuggliest, cuddler!!

57. We used to walk everywhere together, then we started biking. We began everything

58. The look in his eyes when he kisses me.

59. He does things I like even though they are not his cup of tea.

50. He could have anyone he wanted, but he chose me.

51. He is always focused on my pleasure… it motivates him.

52. He calls me to say good night, every night and stays on the phone a few extra minutes even when he is exhaustedly tired.

53. The way he listens to Mexican music loud and proud!!

54. He still wants me, even when he has seen me at my worst.

55. The way he looks in the morning.

56. Our memories. I cannot wait to make new ones.

57. He never has bad days.

58.  That I could just lie in bed with you forever.

59. He always knows how to make me laugh.

60.He goes above and beyond to make me happy.

61. He asks how I’m doing or how my day is going.

62. He tries to click with my crazy obsessions and never makes me feel weird or awkward for having them.

63. He was so easy to fall for.

64. He is patient with my mental health issues- anxiety, depression and is always patient and understanding when it comes to that. He is my anchor.

65. How he teaches me how to do things.

66. Even when he isn’t physically next to me, I always feel his presence in my day, in my life.

67. I fell asleep in his bed the day we met and he never once tried to sleep with me.

68. He can handle my mood swings and other imperfections.

69. 69….

70. He gives some of the best hugs!

71. I can picture him in my life for a very long time, he is in all the dreams of my future and the thought of him has cured all the ailments and wounds from my past.

72. He takes turns with me- he never expects me to cook and clean because I’m the female. We always pick up the workload for the other person when they’re tired or sick. It is always equal in the home.

73.We are independent individuals, yet when we are together, we are inseparable.

74. He accepts me for who I am. He never pressures me with his expectations of me and what he wants from or of me.  

75. He is so clean!!!

76. He and I entered a long distance relationship unexpectedly. The fact that he was willing to stick out the trials and tribulations with me and for me without knowing where this decision would take us, meant the world to me and it made our relationship stronger.

77. The way he talks about his dreams.

78.  From the moment we met, I have always felt safe with him. I was no longer afraid of being alone with a stranger, let alone a man. I have never had to worry about being abused, or assaulted or anything like that. He’s my protector….

79. He spoils me…

80. He makes me slow dance with him in the kitchen

81. When he cares about others and takes care of them-  it doesn’t matter if it is a person or an animal, he always has a kind demeanor and is gentle and willing to help.

82. His ingenuity.

83. I can ask him anything and talk to him about anything without feeling judged

84. He always wants to try new things

85. He bought the both of us bikes.

86. I see fireworks every time we kiss.

87. Loving him has been a natural anti-depressant

88. He treats me like a princess.

89. He lets me make him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

90. We take the best showers together! ;)

91. The way he takes care of us.

92. The smell of his skin.

93. He is so strong… in his life he has been through so many things that would typically break a person. But he remains stronger than ever. He perseveres through any trial and tribulation presented to him. It is inspiring.

94. He supports me.. in every and any way he can.

95. He is so warm…. physically and emotionally.

96. He is my home.

97. That I just can’t stop loving him. Every time I look at him, I love him even more.

98. He made me trust in men again…. not that I would ever want anyone else.

99. I have always been so good with words. I know what to say and how to say it… but when it comes to him, he just knocks the wind out of me and I’m speechless and tongue tied because when I look at him and when I am with him, there is nothing to describe how alive he makes me feel.

100. Even though I listed 100 reasons why I love him, I know that I could sincerely list 100 more.