reasonsmysoniscrying

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

Wife: “You boys should work on Christmas lists today.”

Me: “Maybe I’ll make my list too…. Let’s see…. what do I want…. Love…. Respect…. Hugs-“

12yo: “Dad. You won’t be getting any of those things from us.”

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

Yet another misleading internet product. Squirrel feeder? I think not.

THANKS FOR RUINING MY MOTHER’S DAY PRESENT, CHIPMUNK.

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

**Helping kids get their lunches together**

Me: “Okay, here’s a wrap for you.”

11yo: “Yes! Let’s hear it! Will it be on the same level of one of Eminem’s orrrrr….”

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

“Why would I want to listen to all of Bach’s churros?!?”

11 year old, on day 3 of listening to the Bach Brandenburg Concertos numbers 1-6.

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

Me: “How was your first day back at school after Thanksgiving? Did you walk right up to the biggest bully in school and say ‘How was your turkey?!’”

12yo:

Me:

12yo:

Me: “Who is the biggest bully in school anyway?”

12yo: “You are.”

Me: “Well, maybe if you weren’t such a DWEEBAZOID I wouldn’t have to bully you so much.”

12yo: “How was your turkey?”

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

10yo: “I need a hat.”

Me: “Well, we’ll have to ask Uncle Wally to knit you one.”

10yo: “But does he have any black yarn? How can I maintain my tough-guy image with PEPPERMINT?”

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

My 10yo made me go with him into a mall store just so he could make a punny bathroom joke about the store's name to the person working there.

"Excuse me, do you have a bathroom? Because I have to go VERA BRADLEY."

The heart, it swells with pride.

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

***Three boats full of Disney characters come by, 10yo ignores them***

***Boat full of drummers comes by, 10yo waves***

10yo: “You see, I wave at people who KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING - not just some crazy people sweating to death inside animal costumes.”

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

My 10yo just casually mentioned that the Tostitos logo contains two people dipping a chip into salsa. HOW HAVE I NEVER EVER NOTICED THIS???

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

And how are you all doing on syrup, Denny's? Need me to loan you some? You know, just until the 15th?

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

They were not warned in advance about this important contest, but they have been preparing for it all their lives.

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

Me: “So who does a better job making quesadillas, Mom or Da-“

9yo: “MOM!”

Oh.

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

Anyone else have an extreme phobia of wooden popsicle sticks? I can’t eat off them and literally go into shivery convulsions just watching my 9yo do this. He is unbothered and finds my mental breakdown amusing.

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

According to my 9yo, this ambulance company finds you dead, briefly revives you, but then you die anyway.

#GraphicDesignConsultationByCharlie

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

Tonight the kids were arguing over whether we should have penne or elbows... so instead, I made whole wheat pasta just to make sure neither of them won.

A steaming hot bowl of mud noodles for all of us. God that was disgusting.

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

I was just scrolling BBC and accidentally combined two headlines into one... and it absolutely disturbed me to no end.

[reasonsmysoniscrying]

Me: “We’re in the car now, you can take your mask off.”

**Son takes off mask**

Me, looking at him in feigned horror: “Ahhh! Oh no oh god put it back on!!”

Son:

Me: “That’s a CLASSIC pandemic joke. Someday in a future pandemic you can use that one on your kid. I bet in 1918 your great great grandfather used it on his kid. Just classic.”