realization20s-blog - Tumblr blog

[realization20s-blog]

Dear God

I feel like I have a lot to tell you. I know that I’m talking to you about every day, every hour and even every minute. I feel like I’m more comfortable talking to you and talking about you to others. I have done a lot of stupid things. I didn’t know that I could change for the better. I never thought to live my life according to your will and fulfilling your purpose. 

I’ve been through a lot of hardships and heartache. I even feel like I’m not good enough at all. God, the first 2 men I ever love broke my heart already. 

The first man, my first ever lover (the father of my first child) cheated on me and left me hanging last 2012. And I couldn’t find any reason why he’d do that. I have been too good to him. I have been keen on all the details to make sure that I’m making the right choice to love him. But I was wrong. I committed a sin. I let my wild thoughts rule over me. I let the temptation win over me. And I’m deeply sorry for that. I know that I hurt you a lot. And it surely hurts me too. I was a fool to fall for that. I pitied myself. What the worst woman am I? I feel like I’m not worth loving at all. Not by anyone. But you wiped all that insecurities and helped me stand again. You make me feel the love that I couldn’t have with any human here on Earth. You help me respect and love myself, to fight for my life and future because you gave me a wonderful, healthy and handsome baby boy. That’s my first child smiling right there. I know you asked him to smile back at me to make me feel better. Thank you. 

God, I have no friends way back in 2013. They abandon me because I was never able to meet their standards. I was smart back then and a lot of people idolized me and it surely makes me feel better and my heart flutter. I gave birth at a very young age. 18 years old to be exact. All the humiliation, insults, and worst descriptions. I carry them all. I experienced them all. I stay silent but you know that it’s breaking every bone of my body and I feel so weak. I let their judgment rule over my life for years. I let them look down on me thinking that the sin I committed is something that is unforgivable. But do you know what’s the worst feeling is? I bet yes. Every time you walk down the streets and you see these kinds of people looking at you like you commit a murder, a heinous crime, like you’re some kind of evil or wicked is much more painful. Their gossip is killing my will to start a new life. I feel like I’m not even worthy to become a mother of this child. But you know what? You came down to heaven and rescued me. You came on time just when I was about to fall to the ground. You let me rest in your wide beautiful arms. You sang a good song. You touch my heart and pour a never-ending love to my cup. Thank you

God, you remember the time when I feel alone? Year 2015. I feel hopeless. I feel like it’s me against the world. I have a lot of problems. How to raised a 2 years old child, how to become a good parent by the age of 20. How to handle my officemates and their shitty attitude. How to make my family’s life comfortable. Just staring at our bills makes my head wanna pop out anytime soon. I feel like I’m worn out. I have a lot of problems but I have no one to talk to. There’s no one who’d love to listen to it. I feel like I’m alone. But you gave me 4 wonderful crazy friends. Soul sisters indeed. We were happy. We were sharing our faith, love, and hope. That being single isn’t lonely. It’s about being contented and happily waiting for the man that God sent to us. And thank you because you never let me fall for those boys and repeat the same mistake again. Thank you because you have given me enough strength to say no to temptation and focus on my child. I know it was planned by you. 

God, I lost my job 2 years ago, the year 2016. I was crying all night because I was worried about my needs, my family’s needs. What are we going to do? Can we even survive a day? You know that I’m the one who’s supporting my family plus my child. You know that I’m a single parent after all. But in just one snap, you’ve given me a new job. I know right there that it was a test of faith. I cried all night, worrying for 5 days. I was unemployed for 5 days. You planned it all along to give me rest, don’t you? And I owe that meaningful rest to you. I’m thankful up to this moment. You always got my back.

God, the Second man was my father left me when he died last 2017. I know he’s in good hands now. He’s on your side and there’s nothing to worry about. But the thing is, I missed him every day. I missed him so much that I could die and go to heaven and meet him right away. But I know that I just can’t do that. Dying all of a sudden is like committing the biggest sin and ending up in Hell. I don’t want that to happen. God, I’ve been dying inside to see him, feel and embrace him once again. But I can wait until your perfect time arrives. I know your plans are ALWAYS better than ours. And thank you because you were there when my heart was shattered into pieces. You never left my side and even make me feel the most comfortable person ever. Though it’s hard, I know and I can feel that your presence is there and that’s more than enough to keep me going. 

3rd Quarter of 2017 till the end. God, I have forgotten you. I worship Money above you. I have forgotten that you were by my side when I needed you. You called my name, but I pretended not hearing it. I have forgotten you because I was just doing fine. I was earning 6 digits salary that time and I feel like I’m in control of my life from now on. I was mistaken, again. After my father’s death, though I keep telling others that it has a beautiful reason why it happened, I still feel sad, angry, and resentful towards you. I feel like you never care at me at all. I hate the thought that I couldn’t hate you for taking him so early because you’re too good to hate, God. I hate the fact that the Holy Spirit is helping me get through it and just forget that my sunshine is gone. I questioned you. Why me? Why do you I have to go all through this? Why do you want to keep me going through hardships? Why do you like seeing my heart shattered into pieces a thousand times? Don’t you remember that I boast my faith to others because I believed in you? Have you forgotten all the good deeds I have made to please you? Have you forgotten all my unselfish decisions to make someone else’s life comfortable? Have you forgotten about me? Have you forgotten that I’m your child? Have I ever make it to your list? Have you ever think of me and think of good plans for me? Have you ever think that it hurt so much that the little girl who once believes and loves you were trapped inside of this prison composed of guilt, insecurities, pains, tears, and much more? I was helpless. I want to ask for help but I couldn’t shout. I feel like my mouth was shut down. 

And then, December 24, 2017. A friend gave a book of Mr. Rick Warren to me. The Purpose of Driven Life. I even attended a church (Christian Life Center) because of her. And for the first time, I feel like I’m home again. I feel like there’ll be no one to judge me here. I feel comfortable in your presence. January 2018, I know I’m ready to start a new life. 

February 2018. I started my DAY 1 with the book. It wasn’t easy. It’s not and never will. You turned my emotions upside down. You make me feel loved, and make me cry at the same time. I feel sad and feel grateful at the same time. But that very moment, I repent my sins and I feel like I’m being washed with the most expensive soap from heaven. For the first time, I was crying not because of hardships or bad experience but because You’re in Me. I feel like all this time, you never let go of me. You never let go of that little girl who believes and loves you with all her heart. You know the very deep of my heart God. You never abandon me. You understand me. You have never forgotten about me. And from that moment I finished the book, I know I was able to improve a lot of things in my character. My spiritual growth absolutely grows rapidly. I know that the moment I touched the book and read it, You’re calling me home. You’re calling your lost child home. Now I understand more. That it doesn’t mean I’m your child, I’ll be excluded in all the hardships and pain in the world. But because I am your child, I am made for it. Temptation and evil works will go after me but you’ll be in my side reminding how much you loved us. I learn to love because you loved me first. I know that I’ll be facing a lot of problems and pains so soon. Many of them, maybe. But it won’t bother me at all. I won’t even ask “why me”. I may be angry or yell at you but I will still worship you and know that you’re my God. I’ll live my life according to your will, I will work on earning your approval, I will love you with all my heart, all my soul, with all my strength and with all my mind. Thank you for letting me be part of your Spiritual family. Thank you for not letting go of me. Now that I’m spiritually matured, I’ll be able to conquer all evil with your name and praise you like I’ve never done before. I will fulfill my purpose and trust your plans. 

I will love you because you are my GOD. 

[realization20s-blog]

It’s been a long time.

Hi There!

If Google hasn’t reminded me that I have this account I wouldn’t remember anything about this. About the things, I wrote on this page. It’s been a long time. A lot has changed. I became fatherless. I became weak in some ways. I became strong in some ways. 

Life’s been truly hard. I am now 22 years old. I didn’t even imagine seeing myself to where I am now. Not happy, vulnerable, been fighting to live, and much more. I thought life is made up of cupcakes and an icing. A little rainbow and a little rain. A ray of sunshine and a glimpse of the dawn. Floating in a deep ocean and staring at the sky. I thought life is simple and we, humans just making it complicated. But life is indeed stressful. Stressful if you don’t understand your purpose and you don’t know your Creator. I’ve been through a lot lately and it’s killing me all the time. Slowly killing me. I thought no one can save me from drowning. No one could save me from the fire. No one can take me from the darkness. I thought I was ignored and no one cares. For the first time, I feel tired. I feel weak. I feel nothing. I just feel NOTHING. 

Then You came. With wide arms open. Smiling back at me. And I feel like you’re telling me to rest in your arms and go home to where I truly belong. With just one snap, I feel like I’m living again. I feel my life has been reset that I could start all over and forget everything about the past and my mistakes. Take nothing but experiences, knowledge, and love. From that moment, I know I’m back. I’m home. I feel happy, secure. I feel love. I feel like YOU care and your love is enough for me to keep going. I cried hard that night because I know I don’t deserve you and your forgiveness. You came and You Happened. I know that this is not an easy journey, but I’m willing to take another step forward to You. I want to know more about you. Please help me become the soul you ALWAYS wanted me to be. I want you in My life. In my Heart. I completely surrender to you. I’m giving you all the power to rule over my life. I want you to be with me on this journey. I want your love and hope. I want your plans for me. I want the future that you promised me. I want your forgiveness. Please take away all the negative thoughts/plans that I have. I don’t want this. I want your plans and thoughts to run through my mind again and again. I want your love to run in my veins. From now on, YOU’RE IN CHARGE. Thank you for giving me another chance to make it right. Use me as your instrument to do the things you want to do and help me to fulfill the purpose you have for me. All I need is You.