realityofhalfwaylove

[realityofhalfwaylove]

I honestly feel like I’m in my own head most of the time. It’s like I can’t escape my anxiety, I can’t escape my truth, I can’t escape my life. And I want to. So badly at times. The last time I tried ending it all was in July and honestly till this day I wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was grateful eventually tho I didn’t. But now.. now I just feel like it would be the only way out of this madness in my mind and around in this world. In ways I thank love tho. I thank this man. Leaving him to do life by himself would put my mind, heart and spirit into forever hurt and hell. I couldn’t do that. At times when I feel low and I get those thought I just hold on to him for dear life thinking “I wish he could understand how I’m feeling” and the smallest hug and kiss from him will make me feel like I can hang on another day

[realityofhalfwaylove]

Honestly speaking I’m ready for change. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to walk and live freely without the anxiety of my actions following me. I want to be a better person. I know I am a better person. I just sometimes make selfish decisions not realising how they may destroy or damage people or relationships and that’s never my intent. However intent or not I did it. I’m ashamed. I’m hurt. I’m sorry. I can only admit my wrongs to myself and move on to be a better person. I prayed to God about it and honestly I feel a sense of peace and forgiveness. Everyday I wake up now I think of ways I can be better and I act on it. Even if that means suffering on my own. Because just because I’m suffering doesn’t mean I must make other suffer with me. That does no good in the end. I have learnt from my mistakes, I have forgiven myself, I have accepted responsibility, I have learned but more importantly I need to do right by others and that starts with me living and being comfortable in my truth

[realityofhalfwaylove]

i dont think i truly love myself. if i did i wouldn’t be in the situations i am currently. The friendships and relationships i have in my life is a true reflection of that and ive known so for a while. A lot of things in my life have led to this however ultimately i never seeked help for the trauma i experienced in my life nor did i deal with present feelings. so i find myself in a vicious cycle of just holding on to whatever little love i have around me, i want to truly feel needed, loved and cherished and that is a dangerous feeling when you truly dont wholeheartedly love yourself. For once in my life i just want to be at peace, i dont want to have to be strong and put together, when will someone ever care or do for me what i do for them

[realityofhalfwaylove]

Dior. Every single night since i heard your heartbeat mine has never stopped for you. i love you with everything in me, i love you more than anything i’ve experienced and i haven’t even met you. Im sorry for what i did. I truly am and i weep about it regularly. I think about the beautiful child you would’ve been, the love that would’ve surrounded you, the great things in life you didn’t get to experience, the first of everything and thats all because of me. I honestly just want to be by your side and talk all night with you, i really feel like you’re the best friend i didn’t get to meet. in a selfish way i feel like you’re love, the missing piece thats been missing my whole life, and i let that go because of fear. I hope you’re good and that wherever you are you are watching over mommy and daddy. without a doubt regardless i know daddy loved you from the moment he heard you heartbeat. He was just as scared as i was, if not more. we love you forever and i pray everyday that ill meet you

[realityofhalfwaylove]

as i reflect on the past year you have been in my life, a lot of things have been made clear and apparent to me. Firstly that i am capable of love, the love where your judgment is clouded, where you think of them before you, where you would struggle to just see them happy. However that type of love is what has got in me in this constant emotional turmoil. Unlike my ex you don’t hit me, you’re not outright abusive. You expose me to all my and force me to see myself perfectly clear, while i’m too scared to expose myself you know me better than i know myself at time. You started of treating me amazing, you cared, you were consistent, you made me realise that there are people like myself that care and genuinely love people. that was short lived though. problems with females started early on and although these are the biggest red flags i regret ignoring i knew. i knew from that moment i deserved better but i believed you, i wanted so badly for you to be the person you are when its just me and you, without the alcohol, when you don’t become this different person that i despise. i despise because of the way you treat me when are, the hurt your actions bring, the hurt you words bring, the pain of mental up and down. But here we are months later, one baby later, one breakup later, one broken heart later, one cheating situation later but somehow i’m more in love with you than i’ve ever been but i’m the most hurt i’ve ever been by a man in my life. I don’t know what i expected from you, when we lay its like everything makes sense. its like i know who i fell inlove with and why i love the bad things about you as much as i love the good, i feel like i get you and i know who my soulmate is. This is truly the first time i’ve fallen in love and although i’ve tried and tried to end this relationship many times because of the countless times you’ve hurt me i can’t. I can’t because deep down i realise i don’t want my love for you to ever end, i just want the hurt to end. But without you changing i don’t know how much longer i can hold on. I want to so bad show you who i truly i am, tell you the truth, tell you about my childhood, all my fears but that’d take more than years to paint a picture perfectly clear. i get you, i want you but it feels like you don’t. Do you really love me or do you just love the person i’ve become in your life. If i was broke, down and under would you still love me the same way i love you. 

[realityofhalfwaylove]

I think next thursday is gonna be the best day of my entire life tbh

[realityofhalfwaylove]

this is the text of good fortune, reblog in 60 seconds and $1200 will spontaneously materialize in your bank account🙏🙌💪🏻😤

[realityofhalfwaylove]

I never thought there would come a time where I would be able to care for someone as much as you, trust someone as much and you and love being around someone as much as I do being around you. You altered the way I perceived things for the better, made me laugh like there was no tomorrow. It's you, you were the gem which was introduced to me for a reason. What that reason may be I don't know. But forever I appreciate and love you

[realityofhalfwaylove]

For just a little bit, I wanna escape life into a dream world.

[realityofhalfwaylove]

And so if I am a gem. Why is it that only I see my value?

[realityofhalfwaylove]

I mean... I'm a good girl right? Because although I see value in myself, I'm really beginning to second guess myself.

[realityofhalfwaylove]

I build up walls so high that when I just begin to become comfortable and I start to tear down the bricks, they leave. And that, that's what breaks my heart. Not the fact you left but the fact I almost took the walls down for someone who wasn't content.

[realityofhalfwaylove]

Feeling a feeling. I don't know what it is but I know it moves me and enables me to think in certain ways.

[realityofhalfwaylove]

Close your eyes and think. How can I better myself?

[realityofhalfwaylove]

Love. I just want to be loved. Temporary or Permanent. I just crave for the feeling.

[realityofhalfwaylove]

Everyone around me seems happy. Content with their lives and so I begin to search within myself as to why I don't feel like so.

[realityofhalfwaylove]

As I close my eyes every night to sleep. I see myself with a man. Sitting on the beach in between his legs with his arms wrapped around me watching the sun set. In a hotel in Spain making blissful love, walking through foreign markets hand in hand. But instead of joy a sense of sadness engulfs me. And so much stay up all night, thinking. Asking why, how, and maybe, just maybe who.