readifyouwantornot-blog

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Being without you made me realize that you are my rock. You are my world. You are my everything

[readifyouwantornot-blog]

writing on here knowing that no one is going to read is great. i can let ut all of my feelings and emotions on to a virtual platform and i feel like people are listening to me. the ability to cry from behind a screen and vent through a keyboard is liberating. all these feelings ive had bottled up inside of me were meant to come out so why not here

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The safety i feel in your arms is a new found feeling i never want to lose. After days of not seeing you the first thing i begin to miss is being in your arms. Although you are small your arms wrap perfectly around me. when you hold me and play with the hair on the back of my neck i find myself at peace. the weight gets lifted off of my shoulders and all of my problems temporarily change. when i bury my face in you chest or neck i feel at home. i indulge in the scent that is unique to you. the smell that lingers on the pillows after you are long gone. you smell like home to me and if i could turn it into a candle so your presence could be felt when you are gone i would. You are my safety and my peace. YOU are my home

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days

  It took 37 days for me to love you and 110 for me to realize i was completely in love with you. In those 37 days I got to know you I began to adore you and admire the things you did. From the way you looked at me when I made you laugh, or the way your eyes wander when you begin to think,or simply how you held my hand so gently but firm enough I knew you wouldn’t let go. You captured all of my all my attention starting on day 17. Day 17 was full of laughs and butterflies. Your laugh gave me butterflies. The way you got nervous after accidentally touching my hand gave me butterflies. The butterflies still come back every time i see you. i get both nervous and excited when we are together. I become anxious and try hard not to mess anything up because I would hate to lose you over something small. I will remember day 18 for the rest of my life . Day 18 was our first date. On day 18 I got to know a shameless bombshell. You didn’t care about how any one saw you. In the moment we raced to open the door for each other I couldn’t help myself from thinking about how absolutely gorgeous you looked in the afternoon sun. When you smiled at me in the arcade after beating me at you favorite game I knew i would do anything to keep that smile on your face, even if it meant losing at my favorite game so you could win. It took you 22 days for you to kiss me for the first time and it was fantastic. Well kind of, it was at a gas station but it won’t ever slip my mind because of that very reason. Day 23 you came over for the first time. I let you into my room, my safe place because I began to trust you. I normally don’t like people in my room but with you it felt right. The way you just fit in my arms while we watched a goofy Disney musical felt like it was supposed to happen. We spent the afternoon singing along and kissing during the boring parts. I saw you everyday after that. On day 28 you were with me when I got pulled over. The whole time we were stopped I was freaking out. I never told you about my anxiety or how I get in stressful situations but you knew exactly what to do and say. You spoke to me softly and kissed me. You held me so close I felt all my stress disappear. Days 33-37 we were apart and I thought about you every single day. On day 37 i told you I loved you and to my surprise you said it back. 39 days. It took me 39 days to finally ask you to be mine in person. I was so nervous but as soon as I looked into your eyes I knew it was the perfect moment to ask. You heard about my plan to ask you but you still made me ask you properly and my lady gets whatever she wants. You slept over for the first time on day 49. A lot happened on that day. We were bringing in a new year together. I saw you cry for the first time and we spoke about how you miss your old home and all of your friends back in Peru. I never wanted to see you cry. i hated seeing the pain in your eyes and i wish i could have done something to take it all away. If i could have put you on a plane to go see your best friend I would have. After waking up next to you on Day 50 I constantly find myself reaching for you when i wake up. 

At this point i stopped keeping track of the days. All i know is that my love for you has only gotten stronger. You made me a better person. I love showing you off and taking you out. we were so good for so long. Well that’s until we weren’t. you told me you don’t know if you love me because we havent known each other long enough and that just flipped my world upside down. my mind now just replays all those moments that you told me you loved me or that you were in love with me and i feel different. I think to all those times you told me you weren’t leaving me and compare them all to the day you told me that you didn’t want a relationship. The day you told me my world just shattered and i couldn’t even look you in the eye. you told me you wanted to be friends still. As friends we do every thing as if we were still together but we aren’t. Darling you are so perfect for me and you even called me a perfect girlfriend. i will live by that and be patient with you because i love you. I know what its like to not be in the head space for a relationship. i know it takes time for one to get to know and love themselves. so i will be here. waiting. i guess ill count the days until i can officially call you my girl again

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“Give it to me straight”

Well why the fuck cant I give it to you gay?