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Uh-oh sisters! *phantom of the opera overture plays*

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ideally i’d like to become The Phantom of The Phantom of the Opera, which just involves me haunting a theatre where they’re putting on the Phantom of the Opera, and it starts to get really confusing, and nobody is ever sure what’s real and what’s not, and when I drop a real chandelier into an empty part of the audience, harming no one, they all applaud bc they think it’s part of the show, and I give really confusing instructions to the producers about how Christine’s understudy deserves to play Christine, and set pieces go missing bc why would I buy my own candelabras when there’s so many right here???

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anyways the version of much ado about nothing starring catherine tate and david tennant as beatrice and benedick is a Classic. david tennant’s benedick is FULL chaotic dumbass, and catherine tate’s beatrice is past being full of rage and is completely done with everyone from the very beginning. plus, they just work off each other so well. 

not to mention the costumes and props. benedick in drag? BENEDICK IN JORTS AND A SUPERMAN SHIRT? beatrice wearing a suit? beatrice swaggering around with a beer in her hand, while benedick sips on pink, fruity cocktails? benedick writing his love song to beatrice on one of those stupid little electric keyboards? unparalleled artistry. 

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My hand is so sore from doing poto art all day

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So apparently Tumblr ate my original post about this but:

A couple weeks ago I’m going to get lunch and as I open the fridge, my mother attempts to communicate to me that any chicken currently in the fridge is ok for people to eat, because the chicken that was intended for the dog to eat has been used up.

What she actually says is, “That’s human chicken.”

After taking a minute to process all horrible implications of the phrase “human chicken”, I decide to go a different route and hold the tupperware of chicken out to my sister, saying, “Behold, a man!”

This was evidently the wrong choice, as it meant I had to explain to my parents who Diogenes was, thereby cementing the incident in their minds and leading to me, just now, opening the fridge to see the following incredibly cursed image:

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Eurydice: I need to get laid

Eurydice: To rest.

Eurydice: Put me in a coffin, let my soul ascend

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[Christine and Raoul walking home at night.]

Christine: It’s dark, and I’m scared.

Raoul: Don’t worry babe, I’ve got this!

Raoul: *Stomps his foot so his Sketchers light up*

Christine:

Christine: Why are you like this.

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Book Recs for Tumblr

I know tumblr has had its obsessions with some other books, like The Secret History and things of those nature – so I thought I might recommend some things in a similar vein~

The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón

Perfume: the Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind

The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

The Two Faces of January by Patricia Highsmith

Bel Canto by Ann Patchett

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Be the pretentious asshole you want to see in the world.

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Sophie’s Dark Academia Rec List

In honour of my favourite genre, have a very personal, very subjective recommendations list!

-        The Secret History (Donna Tartt)

The obvious choice, a classic. In my personal opinion, it’s not perfect and there are better dark academia books out there, but it has massively shaped the genre and therefore deserves recognition. Also, the aesthetic is on point! Read if you want to get a feel for the genre or if you’re simply curious.

-        If We Were Villains (M. L. Rio)

Basically a newer, better The Secret History?? Plenty of similarities, minus certain problematic bits that were present in TSH. Amazing prose, incredible characters, absolutely worth the read. A prime example of dark academia! Read if you love Shakespeare and college settings and compelling characters and drama and just beautiful writing!

-        Black Chalk (Christopher J. Yates)

Also a fairly good example of the genre, but tragically underhyped. Darker than, for example, If We Were Villains. Set at Oxford! Will mess with your head. The characters are not necessarily likeable, but interesting. The writing is fairly complex. Read for a dark academia thriller which takes the unreliable narrator to an impressive new extreme (in a good way!)

-        Truly Devious (Maureen Johnson)

A rare YA dark academia book! Read for murder and mystery and a beautiful boarding school setting as well as a really likeable main character! Due to its nature less dark and somewhat less mature than most of the other books on this list, but if you’re looking for more of a quick and fun dark academia read, this is the one for you!

In a similar vain: The Vanishing Stair (Maureen Johnson)

Cannot actually vouch for this as I haven’t read it yet, but it’s the sequel to Truly Devious and I have heard good things.

-        The Secret Place (Tana French)

MASSIVELY underappreciated dark academia with (gasp) supernatural elements?! The most beautiful prose and funniest dialogue you will ever see. Incredible characters. Again, amazing boarding school setting and close group of female friends! (They will break your heart). Also murder. Also half of the story being told from a detective’s PoV. Read if you value good literature. Just. Read it.

-        The Likeness (Tana French)

Actually, maybe I was kidding before, maybe this book is the most underappreciated dark academia book out there? Either way, it’s my favourite. Within dark academia and within ALL OF THE BOOKS. This is it. The perfect novel. Characters that own my hearts to this day. Writing so beautiful that it had me sobbing uncontrollably on several occasions. The university it is set in is Trinity College Dublin. (Cue me being bitter that I don’t go there every single day for the rest of my life.) Very intriguing mystery, too. Hilarious dialogue. All the emotions. All the heartbreak. Just… I love it so much, okay? <3

-        The Lying Game (Ruth Ware)

Good, very good. Set in a boarding school near the ocean, but unfortunately, only the past tense story line is and we don’t get to see too much of it. Very interesting characters. Much heavier on the dark than the academia. Read if you’re looking for more of a classic murder mystery/thriller and are not too focussed on the academia. Also read for an interesting group of female friends.

-        The Basic Eight (Daniel Handler)

Very promising, but wasn’t my cup of tea at all. The setting is an American High School on the West Coast. The murder isn’t that much of a mystery. I’m mentioning it here because I know that other people love this book, even though I really didn’t. I would say don’t read, but see for yourself, I suppose.

-        The Lessons (Naomi Alderman)

Yes, okay, an interesting one. Set at Oxford, which was amazing. Interesting characters with interesting dynamics. I read it quickly and was quite entertained. But there were certain problematic bits (regarding LGBTQ+ representation and mental illness), so you’ve been warned. Not my fave, but I mostly enjoyed it while reading it.

There are a few more dark academia books on my shelves, which I unfortunately cannot include on this list, as I haven’t read them yet. One of them is “The Lake of Dead Languages” by Carol Goodman. Another is “Brideshead Revisited” by Evelyn Waugh. Might edit this post later to add these and more. xx

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Romeo and Juliet Characters as John Mulaney quotes

Juliet:

Romeo:

Mercutio:

The Nurse:

Friar Lawrence:

Benvolio:

Capulet:

Tybalt:

Prince Escalus:

Alternative Romeo and Juliet:

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The Funko Pop of Dorian Gray

this is a good joke but the concept of a funko pop physically aging terrifies me more than anything i’ve ever encountered in my life

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Concept:

The Scottish Play, but it’s set in a fast food restaurant and everyone’s killing each other over who gets to be the manager and its played completely straight

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grab your peasant shirt and your candelabra, bitch. we’re going swimming in the lake

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I bestow upon thee; concept playlists

•classical music to sip tea to while contemplating philosophy and the next marble bust you’ll buy

•stealing books from the Oxford library with friends you never thought you’d find, in the snow, yelling about Ovid, lighting candles

•folky music for sitting on your front porch in the lazy evening sun, surrounded by your closest friends, gazing at a wheat field and singing along with a guitar in your arms

•feeling listless; like you’re walking the world alone, wandering with no destination, held in the arms of the earth and happy with that

•songs to sing LOUD in the car on a road trip going nowhere in particular

•staring out the window of a quaint coffee shop, watching the raindrops cling to the glass and thinking of all the poetry you’re going to write for that lover you left behind

•looking back on a long relationship and realizing all the ups and downs you’ve had as one, suddenly seeing it all in slow motion like a silent film

•laying back on your bed, smiling uncontrollably, thinking of all the beautiful, bucolic times you’re going to have in the sun with that person you can’t stop thinking of

•a rock in your rib-cage, sobbing on the floor, feeling empty; things are coming to an end and you can’t bear to see them go

•the first day of summer – sprawling yourself in the green & vivacious grass, heart shaped sunglasses perched on your nose; youth in all its glory

•songs that bring back days of your old glory, reliving your childhood and your golden days, tracing over the old scars and remembering how you got them

•the smell of old books, melancholy, songs that are so potent with a sort of wild and tragic longing that they’re almost dangerous

•looking out a car window; letting your eyes cling to weeping trees and then letting them snap back again. feeling self centered and tragical.

•literally just songs that remind me of Oscar Wilde and Bosie Douglas

•stuff that i’m listening to right now! always changing, songs that i’m playing on repeat

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There are three things I need in a book to make me obsess over it for years on end:

1. Pretentious, self-destructive characters

2. Homoerotic subtext that isn’t really subtext

3. Murder