rawmars-blog

[rawmars-blog]

I'll be nice right now and give you a warning. This is a potentially disturbing post that might shock you and wonder if this is really me speaking. You have been warned. This isn't usually me, though. It is me though, sometimes. ************************************************************************************* Can I get something off my chest? Maybe people will stop thinking I'm "a nice person"  after this. :D Ahhh, that'd feel so good. I'm not a nice person after all. Stop putting me in box. That includes you, self. Stop thinking you're a nice person. There is not room for being a nice person. Because there is room to be everything and anything you want. But of course you can be kind and considerate sometimes if you wish. Just if you wish. Sometimes I feel like a Gary the Pit Preacher (a man who likes coming to UNC campus to yell from his little chair that we are all damned to hell for being sinful and not believing in Jesus.) I have these intense moments, where I want to yell, angrily: -"I DON'T need Jesus. He is no savior of mine. You can be sure that I do indeed reject him as a savior role, and I do indeed NOT accept his 'grace' or whatever because I am in no need for it, thank you very much, and if there was remotely any such a thing as being in need of saving, I still definitely don't need him, I have the wisdom within me and others as helpers, and tools to save my soul from whatever pit of sadness and misery I accidentally or unconsciously or whichever other way I find myself slipping in." -"I don't care for a god who has hatred for the expression of love between two people because of something as silly as the gender of each person! Nor do I care for a god who creates people destined for hell, and then saves just a few of them (somehow in all his glory and power he only wants a few of them) so he can worshiped, seems pretty narcissistic to me. Nor do I care for a god so obviously made in man's image, and as a result of man's self-centered dominion-obsessed mindset, (something you would call "pride") approves of appointing foolish dominance-mindset-based humans as masters and slave-owners over innocent individuals, the animals whom are all subservient, subordinate, lower, and useful so long as they serve him and whatever his selfish desires may be. I want to be so blasphemous. I want to be irreverent. Like, literally, I will have these intense urges to scream the beginning lyrics of the Sex Pistols' Anarchy in the UK song, that goes "I AM AN ANTICHRIST!!! I AM AN ANTICHRIST!"  I want to look purely evil and horrible and I want to shock and offend and see them all gasp in their imaginary angel white robes as they look fearfully straight at me, as if they are worried that the next instant a lightning bolt from above will strike me square ion the top of my head and they'd get accidentally burned in the process from the sparks ricocheting off my skull from having been next to me as I was struck by god's all-mighty wrath. And I want to laugh, loudly, repeatedly, maniacally, because no such thing will ever, ever happen. I do not fear god, no I don't, and I laugh instead on the topic of him, but then I laugh bitterly at the wreckage such fear has created. And then I cry. I cry for all those who's self-esteem is pummeled, daily, weekly, hourly, constantly, from feeling there is no way to be perfect, who don't realize that they can release a lot of pain at the same time as open up the potential for a lot of good if they realized that their efforts to be a better version of themselves matter, and that they are so infinitely worthy of love, and that nothing matters in the end. I cry for those who fear, horribly, that they will be one cast into firey darkness. I cry for those who cannot love who they want, cannot be who they are, because humans have built a twisted shame trap and have decided they must hate love just as god hates love. I cry for those who fearfully hide from science and close their ears because they are afraid of reality suggesting a separation from their abusive relationship with god. I cry for those with so much fear they  must cast hatred at those who do not confirm their reality. I cry for cultures lost from godly, god-ordained obliteration. I cry for human selfishness and greed and hypocrisy that has animals imprisoned, enslaved, tortured, murdered by the billions for the sake of self-centered indulgence. I cry for the state of the earth. And before you snidely sigh, or arrogantly sigh, or pityingly sigh, and think about how much better your brand of christianity is and how lovely and logical and angel white perfect and clean and orderly and truthful and rewarding yours is, please know this all did indeed make perfect sense to me. ************************************************************************************* I'm feeling very raw and emotional right now and I just needed a moment to shout and vomit and cry and scream to make up for the all the times I am silent and sweet and unassuming. Please forgive me. I will forgive you too if we can have a heart to heart conversation and/or if I can figure it out. If you have questions you can ask below in a comment. Or in a private message, if you are a friend of mine who prefers that and you're not afraid of the possibility of being told that I'd rather not talk about it with you. Don't be afraid to say something though. Don't be afraid of my answer though, or at least be prepared that there's a chance it will be not nice but it will be honest and true to my raw feelings.