raven-1985

[raven-1985]

Changes through reality, how to walk away from a deep connection!

trying to express a situation without the story has proven difficult, but i wanna share a lesson I've learnt recently with everyone, and hopefully help someone who maybe going through the same as what i had.

So once again i did it, choose the wrong guy, but at the beginning i thought that he was the do all and end all kinda guy, all the promise of, ill look after you, take care of you, treat you better than the others etc etc.

Well for the first few weeks yeah it was great, but i had this gut feeling inside that was brewing, that i should get out now! but the excitement over powered me AND I CARRIED ON. I t was little things that i started to notice at first!

over months thing got worse but what i didn't realise that the love that was growing was very unhealthy, it was love but a control over me. OVER TIME he changed me, he changed how i thought, how i looked and i lost all confidence in myself without even realising what he was doing to me, to me he would say all the right things like how beautiful i looked and how much he want me! but yet didn't come near me.

He would make me feel like a million dollar without realising it made me feel worthless and question myself in the mirror.

I lost lots of friends, but not because he told me too but because he said he was depressed and had social anxiety, i could see how much he hated being around people, so i stopped seeing people as i felt like i couldn't leave him as it wasn't fair.

He relied on me, yet i felt weak and lost without him.

Ask me how i felt like this at the time and i couldn't tell you, cause to me i thought he was my prince charming. I thought he was protecting me from all the bad in the world, anything that was gonna hurt me, he could stop.

How ever he had an addiction to a negative way of life, he couldn't be happy with what he had, was always bored but yet didn't want to do anything.

Couldn’t see positives in anything.

He also had a very bad addiction with weed. he’d smoke it all day long, and if he didn't have it he couldn't function at all. ( he had an addictive personality)

But i was also addicted! i was addicted to him. He was my perfect drug.

I cant explain why i felt like i did, i was so in-love with him but i cant explain why i feel in-love, he didn't treat me very well so why. 

All i wanted to do was make him happy! i thought i could change him! i thought i could open his eyes to all the wonderful things the world had to offer, including me! i could offer him so much, i wanted to take care of him too!

It was like we were connected in some great power beyond the human heart.

I guess you could say it was like a soul mate, where in ever life are paths would cross! but he wasn't good for me.

His mind got worse and worse, every time i got the strength to say, I've had enough and i want to split from each other, he’d get angry with me and threaten to kill himself! He made me feel like everything was my fault! That i was the bad person, i wasn’t doing or treating him the way a women should treat her partner.

But i was lost, i tried so hard to make him happy....... i did things for him that i didn't want to do. Just because i thought it would make him happy.

A few months later it got really bad and i told him to see a doctor, after a bad melt down he had, he physically hurt me this time and broek things in the house, and mentally started to scare me. He’d hurt himself in-front of me, and scream at me, telling me he hated his life that it was worthless. Worse then hell!

The doctors put him on anti depressants and another completely body stopping drug for when he got angry but that made him worse.

This went on for month and month and got worse and worse.

The final strew was when he tried to kill himself, cause i said we could not go on like this......i called an ambulance and we ended up in the hospital. 

He took a overdose.

I sat there looking at him, and i felt sorry for him......not sorry for the life he has but because he was lost. what had made him into this monster? i felt so very sad holding his hand that he felt like he had to do this to get what he thought he needed. The control!

Life is so precious but he just tried to stop his, but a part of me felt like it was for notice, not cause he wanted to die! which in my eyes are far far worse.

What i didn't know at the time, it was all about the extents to what he’d go to get control!

So even thought i started to realise what was going on, he still had that control over me, i loved him, adored him and need the addiction from him.

he came back, but it didn't take long before it started! 

this is when the bad stuff really happened, he ran out of weed! the nasty mouth started, started saying nasty things to me, but i didn't argue back, i was too scared to argue with him or stand my ground as i didn't want to piss him off more than he was! He was getting pissed off with the kids laughing and shouting etc and went off to take a happy pill.

Booooom! he started going mental, pushing me about and shouted at the children! That was it! i saw it was gonna affect them and i had to stop it before it started! i stood up and said i want you out, i want you gone.He was so annoyed he went to the garage and started cutting himself with a Stanley knife and took loads of pills, which i didn't realise what he had done.

The kids were sleeping, i came down stairs to find him asleep on the sofa. I didn't see the cuts or known he had taken more pills, so i went to bed!

It was morning and i hardly slept, got the kids ready and he was sort of awake but mumbling that he’ll be gone when i came back, told me he was going to kill himself! before i got into it again i got the kids in the car and sat outside the school. This is when i rang the crisis team! told them what was going on and that i think he had taken pills again!

They sent for a ambulance and for my safety told me to say away from the house!

I agreed and took the kids into school, they didn’t know what was going on as I've hide it from them as much as i could.

Half hour had passed and i had a phone call from a police officer saying he was refusing to to hospital and that they are thinking of sectioning him! 

I was scared and wanted to come back and try and get him to go but before i said that the officer hung up the phone......

Another half hour had passed and i had another phone call, he had flipped out and assaulted 3 officer and had taken his air riffle to the garage!

they arrested him and took him to hospital under arrest!

I knew he’d be so angry with me right now for calling the crisis team but i didn’t have a choice...I didnt want him to hurt himself... hours passed and i didn’t hear anything, so i called the police station and they said that they were charging him and thinking of sectioning.

I said at that point, please don’t let him come back to my house cause i couldn’t handle dealing with it anymore, i felt like everything was crashing down around me!

The following morning i knew he’d call and i had to be brave, i couldn’t say no to him! All i wanted was for him to be himself again, like when we first got together, i held on and held on but it wasnt going to change and i knew this!

He called and asked me if i could pick him up and i explained i had called his mum and granddad the night before and told them about what was going on and i couldn’t have him here anymore! Once again he flipped out on the phone and ended up hanging up!

He went back to his hometown with his parents, and for days we spoke on the phone, he made me feel like everything was my fault and i felt guilty! he treated me like shit! and i felt guilty!!!!!!

It got to the stage he wouldn't speak to me anymore! I had a mental break down, i was missing him! why was i missing him, why did i love him after everything.? 

Why, why, why!

Well months passed, i had a few people around me that helped me pick myself back up and trust me, thing got so bad for me, i wouldn't go out and just couldn’t face society. I sat in a chair in my house and wouldn't move for days! only to feed and sort the children, then id slump myself back in my chair!

Even my father was worried about me and told me, hes never seen me as low as i was! He was worried about me and worried that id do something stupid myself!

I started talking to a old friend of mine months later, and we became close........

Male, yes but he treated me with so much respect and showed me a completely different way of life. he was so kind and caring.

Thing was going great, even though i thought about (him) most day, it got easier! i started to forget the pain that he had caused me!Then boom, out the blue he messaged me!

I had waited months to see that message! 

I remembered sitting there every day waiting for that message to come up on the phone saying his name! and then there it was!

He said that he had stayed away cause he knew what he did was wrong, that he did lots of bad things, and hes been trying to make himself better and sorting his head out!

He sounded so sincere!

Apart of me wanted to believe this so much and felt like dropping everything and run back to him! but once again i had this gut feeling! This feeling like he hasn’t changed, he isn’t better because what he did was just the person who he was......

He is a lost soul that cant be saved!

After a few days, i finally said no to myself! 

I’m happy now and i don’t want to change that! the person who i’m dating is wonderful, great with me and amazing with the kids! 

OK i don’t have that excitement i had with him but its better!

So i made the hard decision of telling him that i didn’t want to risk it anymore and not work things out! ! I did this as nice as i could! 

When he read the message i fully expected him to get angry again! and guess what i was right!

He started messaging really nasty stuff and then said once again he was going to kill himself!!!!!I was right! then it suddenly dawned on me.

Did i actually love him for him?

 No i didn’t

I was made to love him by the control he once had on me!

I messaged him and said he was very sad and i was right to say no! that if he wanted to end it then i didn’t want a involvement and i wont be messaging him any longer as i already had been through so much!

2 DAYS LATER.....he messaged me saying sorry!

I called him bluff! and that’s all it was!

The control he once had has gone! i was free, i am me!

[raven-1985]

A Life Lesson!

Just when you think you have figured things out, life changes and puts a new prospective in the net.

You meet different people every day but still im shocked at what people can throw into the reality of how nasty and spiteful someone can be. 

its the same of saying, how much lower can someone possibly go? 

As I've said previously, me and people really don’t mix well, they find me very different and today has just proven that.

 For no apparent reason i was verbally attract by someone who i considered as a friend!

I consider a lot of people friends, i don’t have enemies! 

 i don’t think life is about holding grudges, life is far to short to be bitter. but for once im going to talk about how some people can bully other people for what ever reasons.

Today i just had enough of someone sarcasm, on another social media site, i thought to myself why should i just sit here and take it any longer, i always put on a smile and say its fine, im ok, but really im not, it hurts inside, specially when i try so hard to please others.

Today i was told incompetent  and i wasn’t from this world. 

Im not too sure on what contents they were implying im not from this world but what is normal? 

Im a mother of 4 and haven't had the best life, i struggle alot of the time even finding a purpose of getting up.....

If it wasn't for the fact of being a mother and loving my children unconditional, my life would be very different.

I do not actually think some people realise how words can actually hurt someone, but not only that, but word that can linger inside your head so you'd over thinking so many different reason to why! 

You start questioning yourself on who you are, and thinking should you change and hide who you are to fit better in every day society.

My question is why judge people on what they have or haven't got, what they look like or what they do. 

If they are kind and have a good heart, why punish them for being themselves. Love people for who they are and not for what they can offer you other than friendship!  

I’m 31 and you would think bullying is a school play ground thing but the older you get the worse it can become.

i’ve realised that the purpose for people to hurt you is to hide their own inadequacy.

I actually feel sorry for theses people because they are hiding more self esteem issues than the person who they have chosen to hurt.

I mean like today when i got verbally abused, i ask myself what did they gain from that? there really wasn’t any need to do this, if you have a problem with who i am then why not talk to me directly? why would you even need to be so nasty to me if they haven’t even taken the time to know the person who you are inside?

You don’t know what battles they are facing or path they are walking, that could have push them over the edge without you even realising it!

SO the reality of this, just stop and think before you decide that your going to let you own issues abuse someone who is just trying to do the same thing as you! 

Be themselves, wanna be loved for who they are and face the world day by day.

Everyone is equal, no matter if your skins a different colour, or if you are tall or small or big or small. weather your religion is worshipping the gods or believing that nature is the way forward.....We were all born in this world the same way and we all leave this world.

[raven-1985]

Raven and People, are they right or are they wrong?

A i was saying yesterday Since I was young I have always asked question that just can’t be answered. What is the point of life? Why are were here?

There really must be much more to life than just to survive right?

Felling different to people around me including friends and family was Like I just didn’t quite fit in. 

Always had a strong opinion and would argue to the death if I believed I was right.  

I knew if something was going to happen good or bad, plus if I really wanted something and thought about it, it always seemed to become a reality.

I used to have very strange dreams, I knew I was dreaming and would say to myself your dreaming! You can control whatever is it within your dreams.

Or they would be so real I’d have issue with understanding if I was dreaming or not. When I had bad dreams I would tell myself to wake up!

Growing up I have looked into a lot of spiritual paths and realised that my life wasn’t about finding something to believe in but to allow the belief to find me, becoming who I am from what was inside me, learning who I was has been most difficult. I don’t believe in just one way but a handful and can contradict each other in some ways.

I am who I am and no matter how hard I tried, I didn’t understand what it was inside that was trying to come out, I couldn’t, till now.

Even though I’m still learning about myself I have a better perception and understand to how and ‘why’ I see things the way I do.

Growing up I had a lot of thing happen that had no explanation but struggled to understand for what reason have they shown me in my life cycle.

I have put myself in many situations that have led me into troubled times, but when I have asked myself why I couldn’t answer, or didn’t want to answer!

When I open my head and listen to myself, I knew it was always the truth. 

 It was only me that can answer to the decisions I have made, and now I know I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

I had just got to the age of 30 and decided to open my mind to who I really am, how I see the world.

I see a lot of thing differently and that maybe everything isn’t what they seem to everyone else. People and emotions around me, how they live their day to day life. Knowing why people do the things they do or going to do next just by their body language and the way they will explain themselves.

I guess its noticing  the little things they do that one might miss. 

As i said in a previous blog, I found it very hard to make friends because I really couldn’t understand why they couldn’t see or understand the reason to things I thought was so simple to work out. I’d ask questions like why can’t you see what I can? They would get angry with me if I spoke my mind, if they were angry and didn’t want to talk, I’d tell them straight to the point why I think they are angry, and they would seem to get even more mad with me, even though they were angry with themselves cause they would see quickly that they may be seeing it wrong, or they may be in the wrong.

For as long as I can remember I have had a very strong sense of esp. (Extra Sensory Perception). Sometime referred to as a sixth sense, I didn’t know what esp was till recently and things have started to add up.

I always picked up on people feelings, yet I found it hard to understand my own emotions, for the reasons I didn’t understand my own emotions were because they weren’t my own, and used to get very confused to why id feel sad on a happy event. I could feel everything someone else was feeling. Sometimes this would be so strong my own emotions would get confused to the same as theirs. Learning to control this was very hard, I found an outlet through music and would get out all that had been building up through my music. The only way I could not think or over think was to sing or play for when I played or sang, I couldn’t think.

I think the hardest times I’ve had with this, is feeling the sorrow that has built up for years in the crematorium. I went to place flowers with my father on my grand dads gave and felt such sorrow, not just for the sorrow for losing my grand-dad or for what my father was feeling but listening to all the voices of people who have lost loved ones over the time. Now this is very hard to explain! I could not see or actually hear people but more like feel the energy that was left their when they had left. 

The emotions that they have left behind.

For the emotions I felt were pain and anger and I could feel the tears build up in my eyes. Questions popping into my head of “why”? “Can’t”, “please”! And people needing questions answered that will never be able to be answered, inside I’m wishing I could help these people understand that life is just a stepping stone.

That their loved ones haven’t gone but just progressed in the great purpose.

Even though I still don’t know and dealt I will know till it’s my time, I do understand that they are still around them in some sort of form, for the human race is full of such energy.

Are bodies are the perfect batteries to store energy.

Now energy, as in any understanding, whether it be science or spiritual cannot be lost but only transferred. So when are battery has run low are bodies stops, it’s time to move forward to a new source, to recharge.

Are bodies are just a holder to learn are life lessons.

I’d have so many voices, emotions, memories and days dreams running through my mind at once my head would hurt. I’d run through every scenario of a situation or fantasy that I’d get lost for hours like I’d be in a deep night sleep.  

Understanding people can be as simple as working out how they think. Being right …… what the definition? Separating people isn’t always the answer but more as thinking  things through - trying to find the real answer, not the first answer that comes into your head. The persona of being wrong… are they actually wrong or more to the point of avoiding thinking by jumping to conclusions. 

Jumping to a conclusion is like quitting a game: you lose by default.

That’s why saying “I don’t know” is usually right, because it’s refusing to jump to a conclusion, or as I prefer not to answer or believe in myself enough to state what’s right within one self.

So when someone says “They are so wrong!” - It means they’ve stopped thinking, or forgot to think in a way as maybe a child would think, innocence. They say it to feel finished with that subject, because there’s nothing they can do about that. It’s appealing and satisfying to jump to that conclusion, or easier to believe they are wrong, but if they believe in what they are saying are they truly wrong? Who has any rights to say they are wrong?

So if you decide someone is wrong, it means you’re not thinking, which is not being right. Therefore: right people don’t think others are wrong.

 I think the most difficult and most mentally draining for me is meeting someone with their walls so high that you can’t read them.

Reading people for me is really easy and then someone walks into your life that you just can’t read, I hate not knowing what they think or the next move they are going to make. It completely throws of my balance to life.

A new challenge in life to take hold of and work out and my mind and body wont rest until.

I guess its cause I’m very used to the fact of knowing it’s easy to just know.

Next is the over thinking stage, the sleepless nights and emotional journey that goes with this? Over thinking is just a normal way of life for me, and how one thought can move to the next train of though and before I know it I have a completely different situation going on then what I originally started with.

[raven-1985]

The beginning chapter of Raven

Do you ever just sit or walk or stand and feel completely overwhelmed with life? Not necessary in a bad way but like your life is completely different to what you feel you should be doing?  

See now i think a lot of people see me a bit crazy, but i think that my mind is just wired/ open differently to how a lot of other think.

My dad says people are looking at me like im nuts but i think its just the fact of they don’t understand. People are scared of the things they do not understand or know.

Ever since i was young, i always felt emotions very strong, i could be in the happiest mood on earth, then ‘BOOM’ Id be like a bull in a bull ring!

It wasn’t till later on in life did i work out the reasons why, i’m a empath! I pick up people emotions and feeling. I can work out what sort of person they are, down to reading to a degree what they are thinking before they are thinking it! 

One look and i could tell you if they are happy, sad or wanting to cause someone hurt  and upset.

So call it a blessing but living with it for so long i find it tiring yet i wouldn’t change it as i have learnt a lot about people and the way the world works.

Well growing up, i was very different to my friends, of which i didn’t have many. People found it hard to be friends with me as a child, and even to this day. For reasons why i can not truly say as i haven’t asked, i don’t do people very well, im pretty much of a solitary person. 

Not that i think im a bad person, id help anyone at anytime if they needed it. 

I think i can be very intense and passionate about the things i believe in, i know that people dont like me reading them and that scares them, if i argue, i sum them up and dont even realise im telling them their every thought and decision before they say a word, which normally leads to them getting very angry and upset.

Growing up like i am in a modern day world this has proven hard at times, and i feel like i have been on a life lesson journey for so long, led my life through so difficult situations, which i can only put myself at blame. Even though i questions myself before i make the final decision, i know that i shouldn’t be doing it, yet my emotions kick in and my heart over runs my passion for excitement and thrust of the unknown!