rariren2

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Polaris, The North Star

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final fansasukeee

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ELDEN RING: SHADOW OF THE ERDTREE ᨖ

Shaman Village

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i think theres this idea in the general public that the "best" fanfic gets turned into real books like 50 shades of grey. but the truth is that the best fanfic can never be published as an actual book because its intricately woven into the canon material so its inseparable even if you change the names

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people need to understand that once you go through your worst time alone, you really don’t care who stays in your life anymore.

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Apr. 8 2024 Eclipse

Credit: Victor Toth

[rariren2]

When you grow up not having your emotional needs met, and also having to experience your caregivers unhealthy emotional world two things happen.

1. Shame.

Your feelings and needs are wrong, bad. People will reject you, abandon you for having them. You are wrong, bad. There is something fundamentally wrong with you. It’s your fault. You have to keep your feelings and needs hidden.

2. Fear.

But you can’t not have needs or feelings. You can’t make them go away. So you fear them. You also have an inability to sooth and regulate those feelings because you never had the opportunity to learn that growing up by bringing them to a safe and good enough caregiver. Instead you experienced and learned the opposite, that expressing them would lead to things getting worse. So you also fear your emotions and needs because you can’t regulate them and they overwhelm you and you feel out of control. In turn this inability to control your emotions leads to more shame. You also learn to fear emotions in others as you experienced your caregivers emotions as unpredictable and unsafe. Maybe you sensed their fear of their emotions or their inability to healthily express or cope with them too.

Fear and shame are emotions in themselves but they also affect and lie like a heavy blanket over all other emotions. You feel shame and fear about any emotion or strong emotion. Can you really process and allow yourself to feel your own sadness, vulnerability, grief, anger, even joy, when you fear and feel shame about feeling and needing at all?

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Birthdays make me feel so weird. Like I feel mad when people around me try to celebrate it with me, it's like I don't want them to. I just want to close myself away that day. And it's not past trauma or something like that. Some part of me likes it when no one remembers my birthday. Some part of me feels a little disappointed. But when it's someone else's, I love going all out. Maybe I'm just too self-centered or delusional. Maybe I don't love myself enough to feel that I deserve that love. Maybe I've trained myself to feel that it all goes away eventually.

P.S not my birthday today. Just a realization.

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[rariren2]

“Learn to be alone, and to like it. There’s nothing more freeing and empowering than learning to like your own company.”

— Mandy Hale