my pandora's box - where i can freely release all my emotions without feeling the burden of my own perception weighing me down
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while i feel as though it’s been years since JK ended relationships with you... it’s only been about four and a half months... and today, despite how much i tell myself and others that I do not care about him and I can be cordial and professional, i miss him a lot... even if his actions clearly proved to me that I wasn’t the “most important woman” in his life. I do admit that I definitely was wrong for “exposing” him to “our” friend group but I was just angry... which isn’t a justification. i just wish JK and I could talk and rework on our friendship... i miss you a lot JK. regardless of everything that went down, you were truly the one and only person who shook my core, allowing me to feel like i was in “love” with someone who “loved” me back and giving me the partnership, the platonic romance, I’ve wanted... I miss you.
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i'm not sure how i should feel. but today, JK sent me and the girls a text. that he can't be friends with us. how he knows that it hurts us, him, and his girlfriend. and he is sorry that he couldn't work it (having both friends and a girlfriend in his life) out and promised something he couldn't keep. he said it was 100% his decision and was not influenced anyone. he said he was sorry for everything and hoped that this is the end of our friendship. i just laughed. i didn't even know what to say. becasue i saw this coming. but then it actually happened. i privately messaged him via messenger (after "trying" through imessage) and reminded him of our last conversation. that a time would come where he would have to pick me over her. and when that time came, he just needs to tell me when to leave because i would leave. no questions asked. i didn't want this, he didn't want this. but here we are. he must be hurting and so am i. but he's made his decision. and i told him that as i promised and gave him my word, i would back off. and to stay healthy and safe. he responded with a "k" and blocked me. i have a mix of emotions - disappointment, sadness, and tiredness. he's made his call. and i promised. and i will keep my word. because if not for my word, then i am nothing. i will miss him greatly. so much that he might never know. i will always miss him. because he truly is someone so important and precious to me. as corny as it may seem, he was one of my soulmates. and i never thought, could never have even pictured a scenario where we would not be together in the future. but he ended it. he's hurting, i'm hurting. we are all hurting. no matter how many years pass, i will always forever want him back. a part of me will always wait for him. and that is fact. i just hope and really wish him the best. the path he's "chosen" is going to be absolutely rough. and he will need someone by his side. and while i want to persist and continue being there for him, i'm tired. so tired. i won't wait on him anymore. because i can only wait for someone so long...
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my anxiety symptoms: feeling the urge to puke (and then actually forcing myself to puke), muscle tension (usually in calves), and hives.
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yesterday was when i put the nail in the coffin and sent the message to end things with JD (with the help of my friends). throughout the 10/11 months we were together, it was great. fun vibez, good food, no arguments. before we went into the relationship, he knew that i was emotionally unavailable. i agreed to enter a relationship with him, which, at that time, was almost like a game to me. i just wanted to see where this would go. i was curious. throughout the time with him, there were definitely signs when i realized his feelings for me were growing. i, however, chose to ignore them and pretend they didn’t exist. i would basically ignore my gut feeling and convince myself that there was no way. fast forward to right now, i just came back from JD’s house after talking with him for 2.5 hrs. when we were texting last night, i was harsh. told him that i didn’t want to talk, there was nothing for us to even discuss as i made my decision. i just wanted him to let me go. but he didn’t. he wanted to talk, help me, work things out. and while a part of me was upset that he was trying to help when I didn’t need “help”, deep down, i knew this is what i really wanted. i messaged him after work to drop off his things and pickup my things. and as soon as we met, i went straight to the bathroom and started to force myself to puke. while a part of me wanted this to happen, so i could purposely have the “upper hand” in this situation, i didn’t think it was going to backfire on me. i walked out of the bathroom and he was asking me if i was okay and if i needed anything. i immediately began to backtrack and started to hyperventilate. because in reality, i wasn’t okay. i felt hurt because i was hurting him. he took me to the couch and held my hands and put my feet across his legs (like how we always sit). i told him everything - the JK situation, me crying, my feelings about anything and everything. he admitted that during our time together, he was, not necessarily threatened, but envious that JK and i had an emotional connection that JD and I did not have. the entire time, JD was trying to help me. tell me that it was normal to have these feelings and it is okay to be vulnerable. but it was really me. for the longest, i always told myself (and others) that this wouldn’t last and it was bound it end. that i would end it (especially because i didn’t reciprocate his feelings like that). but after talking with him today, it was me. i told him that based off of yesterday’s messages, i realized that he liked/cared for me a lot more than i expected. that it felt heavy because i wasn’t emotionally there with him as much. but the truth of the matter could be that it was just me who ended up liking him a lot more than expected. it is highly possible that i am able to say this because i wanted to end things with him, hence i would be losing him. and when they say you only realize what you want when you are about to lose them, they are right. but it is not fair to him. i do not plan to introduce him to my family. while i have no intention of marriage, i know he is not THE person. and i understand that i am young with years ahead of me to grow and figure things but with my idea of wanting to control the future (despite knowing that it cannot be controlled), i cannot see a future. or at least a guaranteed one. because forming a relationship/connection where romantic feelings are involved are always bound to hurt in one way or another at some point. JD is great. and honestly, whoever that will have him will be lucky. truly lucky. but is it fair to him when there is an expiration date on our relationship? i understand that i am putting this out into existence and trying to set this up, but this is how i function. and i cannot lie and say that a part of me didn’t think this would last. that it was bound to end. but also, in this exact current moment, i am trying to go against his point. and that is to go with the flow. it is highly possible that i could have been interfering with “fate”. that i am trying to speed up an end that is bound to happen. but this could exactly be the reason why it hurts to much and why i feel guilty. the current me is trying to fight the controlling foresight me and it’s just so difficult, especially when control is my foundation? this entire situation just feels so awful. i am realizing - i like him a lot more than i expected, he likes/cares for me a lot more than expected, and i need to stop denying the fact that this is an actual relationship. those are the facts. me telling him that i just want friendship and no romantic relationship is, in a way, me hiding and trying to protect myself. because by not becoming emotionally invested, i can minimize the damage. JD messaged me saying that he hopes there is a way for us to work things out. and right now, i just need sleep. to process everything. and get some rest. because with these new realizations, i see paths that i haven’t seen before. so there may be hope.
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i told JK today that w his sudden reappearance in my life, it is making me anxious. it is not his fault, of course. i like being in control. it makes me feel safe. i believe i became this way during junior year of high school when there were way too many uncertainties in my life that made me anxious, worried, and scared. seeing that JK is a wild card, my brain tries to analyze and predict what he may do next. it felt nice to tell him that. i originally wasn’t going to. i planned to tough it out and deal w it. but a part of me loves how he is back in my life. and i want to share these things w him. when i was at work, i told SD my “realization”. the kind of role JK plays in my life. he is my partner. just like a lab or work partner but an actual life partner. in a way. it is 100% safe to say that the fact he is a male plays a slight role because i am a heterosexual female. JK gives me the emotional and mental support that i want from a male without having to voice these wants/needs. i appreciate and really love the fact that when i am stressed (whether he consciously is aware of it or not), he is just there. and that alone is reassuring and nice to have. as a person who is always trying to analyze, dissect, and constantly finding ways to cover all my bases to prevent any room for error, JK’s presence can be relaxing. he helps me slow down. and just pause. SD tells me that JK is good for me. that he brings out a more comfortable and outspoken side of me. she knows that sometimes when i am in situations/gatherings where there are a lot of strangers (i.e. SD’s birthday party), i tend to be more closed off and cling to those who i know. SD said that when JK arrived, however, that was no longer the case. it can be said that JK makes me feel safe and comfortable to be myself. however, right now, as stated earlier, i am anxious. because he still “loves” her and i cannot and will not accept him going back w his gf. he texted me tonight that he chose us over his gf and that it is officially over. that he “killed” her and all chances of them ever going back together are gone. he made the decision to choose his morals over being with “the one” in his life. but it is worrisome. earlier today, he and i were watching Netflix Party w SD. i did consider, after hearing that he would wait forever for his, now, ex-gf to have closure, i was very tempted to, once again, remove myself from his life. without any warning. and despite me having told him that we were good overall. since Wednesday, i have been hanging out w JK (whether w others or not). and every time before he comes or after he leaves, i feel sick. i want to puke. i know that today, in particular, was because the idea of removing myself from his life suddenly, wasn’t right. but for who? it felt right to me because it seemed like, at that time, he didn’t know what he was going to do. and i would be making a bold decision without consulting him, when this time, he wanted to be involved. and rebuild on what he had. i think on Monday, i will give him some info. a part of me. since he has been sharing so much about himself, which he used to never do. it’s not like i am doing this because i feel obligated but because it seems right. i want to tell him. so that he knows that he is worth more. and that he is important to me. and explain why i am glad that he is back. i am just praying that he is able to move on and get better. because he is too important for me to just watch rot away.
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not even sure i’d be able to even post this all in one post lol. basically JK decided to come back to our lives. after “breaking up” with his gf. he blew us off for an entire year because it was either her or us (she gave him an ultimatum). when JK first told us about his relationship, it was shady (he was being secretive about his gf) but he was happy. it was like the honeymoon phase; everything was great. but slowly, there were red flags. she wouldn’t allow him to hang out w his friends or even talk to them. he wasn’t allowed to talk to any of his female friends, let alone any females in general lmao. she lived in a different country so there was an approx 8hr time difference and they would be on the phone for minimum 6hrs. she always wanted to talk w him. she had access to his socials. and don’t have me mistaken, JK was also in the wrong. he was his own person and grown enough to make his own decisions. he was aware of the toxicity (he told me this explicitly when he was in a fight w her or he was very frustrated in the kind of relationship he was in) and made the unfortunate poor decision to continue to be in said relationship. at first, when we all began to see signs of a toxic relationship, we gave him warnings. telling JK this wasn’t it. that it was unhealthy. but he didn’t listen to us. the day when he officially told me how absurd and ridiculous parts of his relationship was, that was when i took a more “offensive” stance. i’d state he needed to break up w her. multiple times. all the time. but because he was in “love”, my words never got through him. they would fight, breakup, get back together, repeat. they’ve done this a million times within the 11ish months they’ve been together (he told us this today and not a shocker since this was a norm earlier than 11ish months). when he chose his gf over me (yes, we are now switching from “us” to “me”), that’s when things began to more or less fall apart. he would ignore me (he wasn’t allowed to speak and talk w me or any females). he always needed her persmission to hang out. he never came to visit me or spent time w me. basically, he dropped from earth. he was told to delete all his socials (which he did). if he did have a social, usually instagram, he was only allowed to follow his gf and gf’s sister. he was gone. and i was hurt. a lot. a lot more than i would like to admit. he was my closest guy friend. and honestly, i cared a lot about him. i tried my best to show him the signs but when it became clear i couldn’t get through to him, that was when i took a step back. maybe as a close friend, i should’ve never given up. but there was only so much i could do. especially when he locked himself away despite my attempts to keep in touch. i told him i “understood” his position and would let him do what he wants. because he “loved” her and i, as his friend, will take a step back so he had one less problem to worry about. his relationship w his gf was rocky as is and i made the executive decision to make one of his problems disappear. JK, regardless of everything, still means a lot to me. he contacted me today, while i was w the girls, and we all met up. i was very happy. extremely. but only a fool would think that this would be forever. he reached out only because he was “allowed” to; he was single. we talked and talked as a group. and while i wish i could just tell him how sad i was, it’s difficult. allowing him back into my life when he could just as easily leave isn’t fair to me. and value myself much more than giving him that kind of satisfaction. he says it’s done w his gf. said that he respects me (as well as my girls). and that if his gf does not want to respect that aspect, then she can’t be part of his life. his gf wants him to pick between her and me. i told him that i was 100% comfortable w him having her and me. but i also told him last night that if he chooses her over us, then our relationship would be on pause as i have no intention of allowing myself to be beat up over this. he says i am important and that he cares for me...
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Wow. It’s been forever. A hot minute since I posted. Today, we did a family get together. It was nice. Until the downstairs (I used to refer to him as “downstairs” because he lived downstairs of my grandma’s house when I was a kid and it stuck as an adult) mister (he lost his “uncle” title, which I used to give him out of respect) decided to “joke” around with me. He tells my dad (his older brother) that he lost weight, etc. and then proceeds to look at me and says “I don’t mean you though”. I was embarrassed and I hated it so much. My dad, as a joke tries to rile me up and of course, it doesn’t work. Don’t get me wrong, it worked when I was a kid. My dad would say “attack” and I would go tackle my uncles and aunts. But I’m not five years old. I’m twenty-two and fucking sick and tired of being told I’m fat. As if I already don’t know already. As if it’s not always in the back of my mind. I told my dad how I was done with him and that I don’t want to see downstairs mister anymore. That I’m done. I told him we weren’t close enough to he “joking” around. Cause honestly, we weren’t. He no longer showed up to family gatherings and he was just doing his own thing. Which I respect and understand. But I grew up. From a small child who never really knew what being “fat” meant to someone who has been constantly beat down, insulted, and hurt from the word “fat” or any comments in regards to weight. I’m twenty-two, in between 5’3 and 5’4, and weigh 185 pounds. I know I’m overweight. I’ve been told all my life. I look at myself in the mirror and see disgust. I am disgusted with myself. I know I’m disgusting and ugly. My dad said what downstairs mister said was stupid and that it was the way how I was raised that it got me riled up. I told him that if it wasn’t for the fact that there was grandma and other aunts/uncles, I would’ve cursed him out. Because we weren’t close. Who was he to ridicule me? Who was he to hurt my feelings? The ones that I try to desperately kill? I try all the time to not get affected by the negative comments. I reciprocate the hate with hate. It’s made me poisonous. My dad said despite everything, downstairs mister loves me and that I’m overreacting. That its a misunderstanding. I told him, as calmly as possible, so I don’t cry and be weak, that it was ok and I’ll deal with it. He got upset and asked if the next time downstairs mister calls, he should yell at him. Or kill (not literally) him. Because he’s taunting me. That’s how I took it. But that wasn’t the point. I try all the time to never talk about my feelings. Because that’s not a “thing” in this household. But this time, I thought he would be on my side, let alone, I didn’t even know there was any sides. I went upstairs to the bathroom, turned on the vent, and cried. Then I went to pick up my mum from work. Just now, as she and I were eating, she reazlied that I kept on referring to downstairs mister as “mister” instead of “uncle”. I told her what happened, vaguely. Saying that he was rude and I’m done with it. But she wanted more. So I told her. Cause this is nothing new, right? And it wasn’t. I told her. And I thought that was going to be it. But then she began to tell me that if I had money, status, house, etc. then no one would dare say anything. Or that I should just listen then. Or ignore it. And I started to cry. It was humiliating. I told her that no one had that right. That I was sick and tired of it. Truly just so tired. And she just didn’t get it. She tried to say some other lecture but I told her that it seems like she didn’t understand me so I left it at that. Now I am in my room, writing this. Crying in silence. Because that’s what it means to be me in this house and culture. Crying is a sign of weakness. So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll cry in silence. So no one knows and notices. She came in my room, saying she wanted to say something. And I told her I didn’t want to hear it and she left. I’m so tired. So tired of this life. So tired and fed up with this. I hate it. Hate it so much. It’s draining me.
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