rantgical

[rantgical]

Sometimes I have delusions of grandeur of having so much money I can do whatever I want with it.

I fantasize about having so much money I can rent out the rooms of an entire house at some outrageous price like 50 bucks a month, open a restaurant with prices that make it feel like we've gone back a decade, tip my server or uber driver with a crisp hundred.

Just open a bunch of businesses that will never be profitable and just not care because none of the money I 'invest' into it is money that will contribute to my well being. People will yell at me but who cares? Maybe I'll live in a smaller house than all the other billionaires, I'll only have one fancy car instead of several, but who the fuck cares? It's my money.

At the same time though, in this day and age, I also feel like you kind of need to be a certain kind of person to have that much money. And surely, something about the process of amassing that much capital changes a person into just the worst kind of people.

Which kind of sucks? Because that means 'being a decent person' and 'being not of the upper middle class' is mutually exclusive unless maybe by some miracle some 1%'s kid managed to dodge their parents' shitty attitudes and successfully develop a sense of empathy and connection with the rest of the world. But I might as well be waiting for the second coming of the messiah if that's what I'm banking on.

[rantgical]

Anyway, not to be catholic on main (who am I kidding this isn't main, I can say anything I want here) but I am at the point in my life where the phrase

"God won't give me a challenge I cannot overcome"

Is the only thing getting me through the shit show that is daily life.

[rantgical]

The more I think about it, everything before I graduated high school feels like a blur.

Throughout middle school I didn't keep up with any pop culture. I was exposed to them through friends but I rarely saw the actual thing you know? And the more I think about it the more I feel like I was just playing a role. Just making sure I fit in, that I have friends. That's why I started watching anime after all.

And then high school was just pain. I remember a lot of unpleasant things happening especially one particular incident that may or may not be part of the reason I have self esteem issues.

But when I look at myself now, I realize I've finally started thinking for myself. I have things I like to do, things I want to do. Not like any of those interests are something I get into depth enough to make a career out of but I'd like to say I have a life outside of school work now.

And I think that's nice.

[rantgical]

The machine powers down.

...

...

The machine powers down in a more comfortable place.

[rantgical]

'Believe in the me that believes in you'

Is a line I really like

[rantgical]

A perfumer is a real job. I don't know why I find that so mind-boggling, maybe because they're an enemy type in elden ring. But I just realized someone has to make all those liquids they sell in the shiny bottles smell good. Like, that's someone's full time job.

It is someone's job to make the food served in michelin star restaurants that sell experiences as much as they sell food.

Someone has to design all the bags, ties, clothes, jewellery, everything that is considered 'luxurious' was once just an idea in some person's head.

I don't know why I find the concept of 'everything is made by someone' so profound.

Maybe because it's hard to imagine things that probably cost more than I do being just another thing that someone came up with. Maybe because 'symbols of status' is something I never understood so the entire idea of it being someone's job to make sure the thing being made will serve as that 'symbol of status' seems so out of pocket. Or maybe it's because despite the chance of 'making it' in any of these fields is small for one reason or another (this can extend to the arts as well), the fact that there are some people that do 'make it' continue to enamor people into pursuing them.

Is it a beacon of hope? Or a will-o'-the-wisp?

It's interesting to me as someone in engineering because engineers and science create the structure of the world as we know it, buildings, smartphones, cars, software but it's things like art, music, food, even luxury goods, that really make the world what it is.

Or maybe it's just that luxury goods are one of the most obvious marks of capitalism and the fact that it's someone's job to make sure those on top won't ever run out of things to spend their copious amounts of money on makes me uncomfortable.

Then again, maybe there's a reason hope was in Pandora's Box in the first place.

[rantgical]

The world is gentle today

[rantgical]

If you live alone and don't like going out much, it's important to talk to yourself. That way you don't forget the sound of your own voice.

[rantgical]

My voice doesn't go high enough to sing hatsune miku songs but also doesn't go low enough to sing any of the male vocaloid songs (except len).

In short my voice is a few notes away from being able to sing Cendrillon entirely in the lower octave and I'm a bit distraught over that. On another note, when singing Cendrillon solo you really do end up belting out some notes with your whole chest because you run out of breath pretty quickly if you're not used to singing lol.

[rantgical]

I feel like garbage. I want to draw rev1999 fanart but I can't stand looking at my own 'art' when I draw people. My 'art style' is atrocious and that's entirely my own fault of course, the only reason I started drawing was because all my other friends in high school got really into it and I had major FOMO because I couldn't join any conversations and after graduating I kinda just, fell off. I wasn't passionate about it.

So my art style lands somewhere between anime and realistic but it's clearly still at that mid point where every sixth grader started drawing.

I don't know. I wanna draw fanart but my self loathing is too strong.

[rantgical]

Sorry mom and dad, I don't think I can bring home a cis het guy because despite identifying as a cis, het female I refuse to dress like one and I don't think any cis, het guy will ever fall for me.

[rantgical]

My supervisor who is a kind of harsh person, as in the way she talks just hits all the wrong buttons for me even though what she said is completely valid and is genuinely good advice, gave me some advice yesterday.

Today I applied that advice and it worked out. And the my brain immediately goes "wow you really just did that so she doesn't get mad at you for making the same mistake twice huh?"

Like the rational part of me knows no, I needed an answer and I was able to push past those previous doubts and actually trust that someone knows the answer or we can work out an answer together and I did end up getting an answer. Like shut up, I did it and now I have my answer. It's a net positive. If I didn't ask, I'd still be stuck in a loop of "oh god is it just super obvious and I'm not thinking about it enough or not using enough brain power to actually think through this or is this actually something I don't know"

I know that. I solved the problem. It's done. And yet. And. Fucking. Yet. I still feel like I'm gonna have a meltdown because it suddenly feels like everything I've ever done is so I'm not an inconvenience to someone or so I don't disappoint someone.

And I know that's not true. I chose which uni I want myself, even if it was against my parents' wishes and I don't regret it, I think I'm happier than I could ever be if I went to the uni they wanted me to go to.

So why do I currently feel like shit? Is it because I am once again reminded of my total lack of faith in people? Probably. Still can't shake the feeling that the only reason I asked was so if I get it wrong I can say "but x and y told me otherwise" or is it because I still feel like it's something I should've been able to infer by myself and didn't require asking the question at all?

I don't know. I feel like shit. I need to eat something or maybe take a shower but I don't wanna move right now. I wanna sleep. But I can't, not yet, I still need to eat something. I'll feel better after I eat something. But I don't wanna move...

[rantgical]

Have you ever seen an engineer who doesn't want to build anything?

I haven't.

I don't know what I want to do though.

I like it when I have clear instructions and I can do the work with my own two hands. I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to and once I've finished my work, I can submit the results to whoever it is I need to give it to and that's that.

I'll have done a good job. They'll thank me for helping out and I either look for the next thing or I clock out.

A factory worker. I'm describing a factory worker. Or an office job. I said I don't want an office job.

I don't.

Office politics are a nightmare and no job pays enough for you to comfortably live anymore.

I've seen my parents work their life away for their children. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to spend time with them.

I want things to be easy. But things are never easy. But why does it have to be like that? Who decided things had to be hard? When did things become hard?

Some people believe it's still for me. That even though I don't fall into the typical engineer stereotype I can still become a great engineer.

But what makes an engineer, an engineer?

I don't know. I was asked did I like the engineering class in college. I did.

But did I like it because the prof was nice and the work was easy? Or did I like it because I genuinely enjoyed the projects?

I think it's the former.

And that's terrifying. Because I can't afford to turn back. I don't have the money for it. My parents don't have the money for it.

And even if I do switch what do I switch to? Bio? Pure science? I like learning about how life on the planet is. But I hate writing papers and having to do research on things I don't necessarily care about.

I always end up falling down some kind of rabbit hole when I do research. And then eventually I get bored and don't want to research the thing anymore even though I haven't written the paper yet.

I hate how much I don't 'fit in' because I don't like building things. I don't like cars, I don't like techy things, I don't like designing things. I do art in my spare time. I told myself I'd write on the side and see if my writing takes off.

But somewhere along the way I forgot how to express myself in a coherent way. My thoughts and inner monologue are what end up on the paper and suddenly the writing only makes sense to me. I'm not telling a story anymore I'm just venting.

Write. Write. Write. Create characters who are your personal cheer squad. Create a world where you are in control. Spiral deeper and deeper and deeper into the recesses of your own mind. Who cares what the story is?

I have become quite the selfish person. Even my writing has become something only for myself. I no longer care if it's coherent or not.

What do I do? Where do I go? Have I just been going through the motions this whole time? People's words are a blur. I don't understand what they're talking about.

I feel so happy working an intern's job. Maybe I'm just happy to be thanked or praised.

Maybe I'm just happy to be useful.

Their gratitude is intoxicating.

Gratitude, praise.

They are few and far in between when you're a university student.

The feeling is trumped by anxiety and stress and burn out.

Am I afraid of losing that gratitude?

No, that's not right. I know that's what I'm afraid of.

Blend into the scenery. Nodding along without understanding a thing.

That's what I'm afraid of.

"Regi do this, Regi do that. Regi what was the data you got for this, Regi did you do this thing when you ran the experiment?"

Those sentences I understand.

"Separate the cream, take the extract, resuspend the sample, centrifuge again, do it three more times."

I understand those words.

Centrifugation separates the solid cell walls from the cytoplasm inside. DNA is unpacked and broken into their nucleotides and amino acids. How much of a certain amino acid is in the sample? Run a test.

The dryers use thermodynamics. Increasing temperature and lowering pressure turns water into gas and leaving only solids. Lowering temperature , then pressure to an extreme amount turns solids into gas, to increase the speed of sublimation, increase temperature while keeping a constant pressure.

It makes sense. The graph makes sense.

So why did it not make sense when I learned it in class?

Why does the math make my head spin?

I am at the point where everyone is more intelligent than me. Therefore I am seldom useful. At least not in the way I think I should be.

I nod along and that seems to satisfy them. Of course it seems so, most of the time people just need someone to listen to them.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I am afraid of not being needed anymore. I am afraid of becoming a parasite onto other people. Someone who cannot give anything valuable on return for the aid they graciously provide me.

Because why keep around someone who takes and takes and takes?

[rantgical]

It's crazy how I have no ambition. I'm working as an intern at the lab and the job is basically no thoughts head empty, you just do what your supervisor tells you to do or you follow a protocol.

And it's hands down the happiest I've ever been in years. But that's because I'm an intern. No full-time job is that easy. I know that really I do, and I know when I graduate I can't live on an intern's salary, hell, I can't life off of my salary right now if it wasn't for the monthly allowance my parents give me.

If I could live off of an intern's salary I would because I'm perfectly happy being an intern, I don't feel like the job is 'too easy' or 'not challenging enough' since I'm not really learning anything tbh. I don't feel the need to 'climb up the ranks' or be the next big thing, hell I don't even do anything on the weekends. I just lie in bed all Saturday, do laundry and go to church on Sunday, rinse and repeat.

I really feel like a machine. I do well when you give me instructions on what to do and do little else outside of it. And it really really sucks because again, working this 'no thoughts head empty' job is the happiest I've been since starting Uni. And yea if I think the job is too easy I can ask for more involved and complicated tasks but why the fuck would I do that, I like it when things are nice and easy.

[rantgical]

So I had a nightmare. Couldn't really fall back asleep afterwards, I mean I can but didn't really feel like I got any more rest ya know?

The details are blurry now but I woke up crying which is not something I often do. I do remember what the nightmare was about.

I was taking a test, I think it was a math test, and the supervisor was my old math teacher from middle school. At one point she left the room (or maybe just turned away?) and the guy in front of me started immediately talking to his friend who was sitting behind me. Like he actually got up and started waving his test around, comparing answers with them.

I remember he was waving his test paper in front of mine and I got annoyed because I couldn't see my test so eventually, I think I yelled at him. Couldn't remember what I yelled but right after I did the teacher came back and yelled at everyone to get the hell back in their seats.

So I thought, great that was the end of that. But a moment later she came up to my desk, grabbed my test paper and ripped it in half. After that is when the details got really blurry but I remember her saying something about me breaking the rules?

It wasn't downright because I 'cheated' because honestly dream me did not look at the test paper that was obscuring her view.

But looking back on it, the part I found weird was after that I cried and begged her for... something, a new paper? A second chance? Can't remember. But it was weird because irl I never beg for anything and I'll sure as hell never cry and make a scene in a classroom full of people, and then I woke up.

After thinking about it some more I figured the reason dream me was so out of character was because that nightmare resembled something that actually happened when I was actually in middle school.

There was a math test I took then that had really unclear instructions because the teacher wasn't here and the supervisor in her stead didn't know shit. So, being the smartass sixth grader I am, I scrawled a note on the top margins of the page, above the school logo and the box where you put your name, that said (and I quote) "The instructions for this test was unclear so just mark whichever one is in the correct spot okay?"

And that's what I handed in. Doesn't seem too bad right?

Apparently that was a big no-no because a week later the teacher came in and she was fucking pissed. She called me to the front of the class and basically asked what the hell I was thinking. She read out the message to the whole class and started going on about how you're absolutely not supposed to write on the top margins of exam paper and how even the teachers take care not to write anything there and how what I wrote was disrespectful, yada yada.

I don't know how embarrassing it actually is but sixth grade Regi was mortified. So I apologized, promised I won't do it again, sat back down, and that was the end of that right? wrong.

About an hour later, someone from the class next door came into mine and said that she wanted to see me. So I went to the class next door and then in front of that class, she gave the exact same spiel she gave in my class about how I was super disrespectful because I wrote on the top margins of some fucking piece of paper.

So now I've been embarrassed (I won't say humiliated because that's a strong word even and I'm sure it felt more embarrassing than it actually was) in front of two classes. Can't remember at what point I started crying but I remember sitting outside the classroom during break time and either crying or brooding even when everyone else lined up to go back inside after break time.

I remember telling my parents and they got way angrier than I thought they would and they actually came to see that teacher the next day (even though I said it was fine and they didn't have to do that) and then for the third time she said she wanted to see me but this time it was to sit me down and say she didn't mean to humiliate me in front of two classes (she said other things too but that's the part that stayed with me and also the fact that she never explicitly apologized).

And then that was that. Life moved on. The end.

So why did something that happened when I was like 12 come back to haunt me 8 years later? Probably because that whole ordeal was heavier on my psyche than I initially thought it was (does it count as trauma? I don't really know, I don't wanna say that it is and risk making a mountain out of a mole hill) and well yea that sucked. I couldn't sleep after that so I'm gonna be tired for the rest of the day and I have to go to work feeling like this.

Anyway good morning.

[rantgical]

And then the rage fades and I can't even remember why I was so angry.

Only the burning pain in my chest remained. A flame with no source and no idea how to extinguish itself.

[rantgical]

This is going to make me sound like an absolute asshole but sometimes I undervalue my small accomplishments because my brain goes,

"yea of course you can do that, you don't have debilitating mental illness that makes it hard to do things like most stressed out engineering students do."

So if I didn't successfully do something it's because I don't work hard enough but when I do accomplish something I still don't deserve to be proud of it because I'm just doing what is expected of me.