ranntika

[ranntika]

im so fucking sick of people saying “oh it happens when youre a teen” when i get upset about my acne

like no fuck off and shut up bc 90% of people that say that have like flawless skin

and my acne scars and stuff arent bc im “going through puberty” its bc im stressed as fuck and cant stop touching my face

its bad

its not just simple teenage acne so go fuck off and admire your clear skin somewhere else

[ranntika]

missing a best friend

i didn't realize how much i depended on him. 

we talked all the time, did a lot of things together, we were basically picture perfect best friends in my eyes, and whenever i was feeling uneasy or upset i would talk to him. and when that was all taken away with a snap of satan's fingers, i was scared 

not because i missed being friends with him. because i did, but he didnt i didn't have another person who would understand when i needed to vent. 

and the thought of putting in the effort to build that kind of relationship again made me sick 

our friendship was built on trust on love for each other. and that took 7-8 years to get us there. and with one decision it was cracked, and with a single conversation it was over. and it terrified me. god it absolutely terrified me.

 and every fucking time i see him im reminded of those 8 years. all 8 years. all the ups and downs and everything 

and call me dramatic but i can feel my chest ache every time we accidentally make eye contact. we both pretend like the other doesn't exist. 

 do i think it's my fault? yes do i think it's his fault? also yes.  did we both feel bad? yeah  do i still feel rotten about it? absolutely 

does he? i dont think so 

we didnt talk it out the way we should have, the way we always talked out problems. we waited for weeks before talking and by then it had blown up into something way more. i had other reasons to be mad, and so did he 

does it hurt as much as it used to? nah. but if i had the chance to take it all back, i would. i've told myself a million times i need to cut ties with him but i just cant 

the other thing that bothers me is that everyone says "oh but you have other friends! losing one shouldnt bother you." its like 

no 

he meant more to me than my own life. 

i cared about him more than i did anything. i probably loved him more than he ever loved me he was the one i went to with my problems and emotions. all i have is casual relationships with my friends. i dont have people i can talk to that deeply at 4am on a school night. 

i miss him.

[ranntika]

i feel like such a disappointment??

like im letting everyone down. idk why i have friends

[ranntika]

my pax east 2017 experience

hello

i wanted to log my my pax trip before i forgot the little details

this isnt one of your happy posts, and honestly, i dont expect anyone to read this, i just wanted to put my thoughts down, give myself some time to reflect. 

we’ll start from the beginning and work our way down. 

to start, my family has been/is very tight on money, bc my dad recently lost his job. so when my parents surprised me with a pax pass for my birthday in december, i was completely blown away. granted, this pass was only for sunday, which meant i might miss some things, but i was totally content with that

fast forward to the day before pax (i procrastinate a lot yes) as im checking the schedule for sunday. there’s a signing with jack early in the day, a panel with ethan and bob and wade, and then their signing. those were the events i wanted to go to, and i had everything planned out in my head. what i would say, what i would wear, how much i swore i wasnt going to cry

the day of pax, sunday, i woke up around 4 to get ready, as boston is a 4 hour drive from where i live. we left the house around six, which was my first mistake, but i cant drive, and i didnt want to have to make my dad leave super early. 

on the ride down, i was notified by the pax east twitter that jack’s signing had already been capped, way before it actually started. i was extremely upset bc he was the main reason i had wanted to go, but i decided i could get over it, and i should have expected it, considering mark’s was capped so quickly as well. 

i got to the convention center around 10:30 i think, and got in fairly quick, despite the long line. i met up with some friends, we played some games on the pcs they had set up, walked around, got some food. in the middle of lunch i was notified that the panel would be starting in about an hour, so i left and went up to the theatre about as fast as i could. 

it, too was capped before i got in though, and it wasn’t being streamed, so i had to suck it up and go do something else 

in the mean time i saw amy (mark’s girlfriend) but was too anxious to talk to her. i tweeted about it though, and she responded, which was basically the highlight of my day 

so i played some more games, met some new people and played (and sucked horribly) at mario kart

then i wanted to go back to the expo hall, to meet up with my friends again, and ended up walking behind a disguised mark and entourage (amy, kathryn, their friends) i didnt say anything though bc again, my anxiety was way too high and mark was obviously trying to stay on the low 

i spent the rest of my time walking around, bought some merch, played some more games, and then completely forgot about the signing with ethan bob and wade, and so by the time i went over there it was capped. so that was my fault. 

again, i was upset, but stayed for a lot of it, and got waved to by bob and ethan, which was cool.

in conclusion, nothing went my way. but i should have expected that. seems like every time i get a chance to do something awesome, its too good to be true.

am i grateful i got the chance to go to pax east? absolutely. would i go again? without a doubt

am i upset i didnt get to meet the reasons im alive? yes. but i’m hoping i’ll get another chance. something to look forward to. 

it’s bittersweet in the end, and there were a lot of tears, but i’ll be alright. 

if you read all of this, thank you; if you didn’t that’s fine too. 

i just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings because people that didnt go to pax were upset about not going, and i kind of wanted to be the devil’s advocate and show you that it wasn’t a dream come true for me. 

i dont have pictures to show you of me and my faves, i dont have a video of my sobbing as i hug a youtuber. 

but that’s okay.