ramblingthoughtsofafreak
My Thoughts
Just me and the thoughts I can't say out loud
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This Christmas is hard. I don’t know how to deal with being more sad about not seeing my friends than my family. I guess my friends, at this point, are my family. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next 2 and a half weeks without seeing them. I miss normal Christmas. I guess that’s what COVID does.
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I haven’t posted on here in literal years. It made me really sad looking back on the posts but, as ever, events in my life are what have brought me back here.
Pandemics man. Who’d have thought? It wasn’t too bad. I’m kinda used to being fairly isolated and spending time alone. And actually, I quite enjoy my own company. But this was a lot.
So why am I here? Because of you. You that’s not meant to be in my head. You who would destroy everything in my life if I gave in to my impulses. You who probably doesn’t even realise what you are doing to me. What you’re threatening to destroy by just existing. It’s not your fault. I’m making you out to be some kind of manipulative devil. You’re not. You’re just a nice guy and a good friend. So why are you so fucking attractive to me. I don’t want a romantic relationship with you. I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I just want to fuck you. But I’m not gonna. Cause who throws away the life they’ve built for a quick fuck? A lunatic.
Anyway. That’s where I’m at these days. Let’s hope it gets better.
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I'm done.
How I'm actually supposed to find the motivation to go to work tomorrow is a mystery. Feel so defeated and heartbroken. I don't know where to go from here. How do I pick myself back up?
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It's recently occurred to me that I am the happiest I've ever been in my life. Nothing amazing or out of the ordinary has happened. My life just goes by in a normal fashion. But... I've achieved my ambition of being an outstanding primary teacher with my own class. I live with my boyfriend in our own house. I have friends that I meet up with and talk to regularly. I haven't self harmed for at least 9 months. I'm excited about Christmas for the first time in years. I'm content and happy and that is something to celebrate.
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Tell tale signs I've self harmed
Secluding myself from others Smoking and drinking more Being not talkative when in a group of people at first but then being my normal self after a few minutes Sleeping even less than usual Long sleeves Long trousers No eye contact Overcompensating for being sad by being overly loud and annoying Saying things like "I'm just having a rough time" "just not coping well" "I had a wobble" Laughing off things that I've cried about Being closed off when you come into my room Binge watching Netflix (more than usual) Wearing more make up than usual Obviously being not okay but saying that I am (I'm usually a very open person) Getting angry when people don't stop asking how I am Wanting to go home (I never want to go home)
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Post 10
I hate this. One person should not be able to make me feel so shit all the time. I don't want to live with them I don't want to be near them. How can someone that is supposed to be your friend be such a dick and a liar.
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Post 9
Some people just don't know what they've got. Man up and stop making yourself a martyr when you don't need to. WHY ARE YOU SO A BITCH????
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Post 8
You know when you just know that everyone is mad at you and you kinda know why but it's nothing serious and you know they'll have forgotten by morning but it's likely that a bitch will be had tonight. Yeah. It's the worst.
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Post 7
And yet again you make me feel like a pain in the ass that's not worth the time and effort. Unwanted and unloved. I just don't know what you want from me.
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Post 6
Had a great few days cause my boyfriend was here. He's gone home now and everything just feels as empty as it did before he came. I sound like one of them needy girls that needs a boy to be happy. I don't. But he's a damn good distraction from the feeling of hopelessness that surrounds me most of the time. Of course it doesn't help that I'm poorly. Or that she's coming home today. I just want everything to be okay.
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Post 5
So I've had a really bad day. I don't know what's made me like this. I've got my period and my boyfriend has just gone home but come on. This is what life is. Why all of a sudden can I not handle every day life? It's so frustrating and not okay. Maybe if that one friend stopped being such a bitch and maybe if that uni assignment went away and maybe if work wasn't such a ball ache. I don't know. Everything just feels a bit crap at the moment. I don't know what to do.
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Post 4
I had another panic attack today. In a lecture. Why does this happen? It was so embarrassing and awkward. I don’t know how to explain it to my friends.
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Post 3
I've also started having minor panic attacks. Nothing serious but enough to terrify me. The worst thing is that nothing triggers them. They just happen at random points throughout the day. I haven't had one for a week or so but I have had a bad few days so I'm worried one might be brewing. The worst thing about them is one of the only things that brings me out of one is self harming cause it gives me something else to focus on. And that's just not okay. I worked so hard to stop self harming and although it's a struggle I usually manage to stick to it. Until these attacks started happening. It just feels like everything's falling apart.
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Post 2
I worked out today that I spend nearly £50 a week on fags. Who does that? That's an extortionate amount of money. Especially when the brand you smoke only costs £5.90 a packet. I think it really hit me today because my boyfriend and I went looking at houses and I need to be saving up. I don't know how on earth I'm ever going to get enough money together for a deposit.
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Post 1
So I decided to start this side blog because there's a lot of things going on in my head that I don't feel comfortable talking about in the open. A lot of my real life friends follow me on my regular tumblr and I don't want them to know just how messed up I am sometimes. There will be no real order to these posts and probably very little context so if you follow me then you're in for a confusing and probably quite boring ride. Thanks for being here if you are anyway 😘
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