rainesbrokenmind

[rainesbrokenmind]

seriously fuck everyone for saying all of how im feeling isn’t okay. you don’t get to tell me whats okay do you understand? I’ve gone through too much to go through this now. This isn’t MY FAULT its HER HER FAULT. she wants to risk it all go the fuck ahead. lose your best friend for some so called temporary bitch. give me a break you have no fucking clue weather it will be temporary or not. its alread been proven that what u want isnt what you get good or bad. You wanted me and well you got me but you got an abusive girlfriend. soooooo maybe think about that?

happiness what a stupid concept. idk wtf happiness is at this point like people say only you can control your happiness. am i to be happy that a person imm still in love with is in love with someone. else? yeah i dont think so. am i supossed to be happy for her as a friend. no im not obligated to because im still her ex there is a double standard there.

[rainesbrokenmind]

only you can make yourself happy some bull fucking shit. i hope this realationship is worse than ours was. yeah im not happy for you why would i be? yeah im controlling mmy life not some dumb fucking universe. universe told u i wasnt worth your time huh? guess it’s telling me your not worth a single ounce of mine.

yeah im in the angry stage of greif

fuck crying 

[rainesbrokenmind]

If you don’t love yourself you will always be chasing after people who don’t love you either

Mandy Hale (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[rainesbrokenmind]

“This pain is just too real. There’s just too much that time cannot erase.” - Evanescence

[rainesbrokenmind]

been a while. things were fine but they had to make it not fine. I never get a break. She decieded to date this stupid girl. because lets be honest shes had feelings since she brojke up with me. fuck her. she wants temporary happiness over keeping a best friend.

I’m sick and tired of me being blamed for this choice to not talk to them. Its a consequence of their actions. MY choice would have been to stay neutral, but yeah thats right “not my problem none of my concern” well fuck 8 months okay? because 8 month i was still attached 8 months i kept in contact with them. so dont fucking tell me its been to long move on. fuck you for that. fuck her for that. fuck everyoine who is turning this on me. 

[rainesbrokenmind]

these people are right. I’m not dumb I’m smart I know more than others know. more self-aware and intuitive. I understand the basics of bonds and communication. I know right from wrong. I’m not dumb.

[rainesbrokenmind]

And now it’s at a point where all I want to do is say “fuck You for fucking me up more”

[rainesbrokenmind]

It didn’t take me long to be back to square one. To the one who may be hers one day.to whoever u are. She is everything good and more. You’ll want her for life. I did. She’s soft but tough. She’ll kick ass if she wants too. She’s a never ending complicated puzzle. Love her for everything and more. To the one that will one day love you forever. You are lucky don’t blow it up like me. To you my once lover of mine. How u were once my lover. My exsistence rested on u. My happiness rested on u. I am sorry. For I couldn’t do anything for u.

[rainesbrokenmind]

“Stay away from people who make you feel that you are hard to love.”

— Unknown

[rainesbrokenmind]

It really is too much for me.

[rainesbrokenmind]

[rainesbrokenmind]

“At a certain point, I just have to try not too think to much about certain things, or else they’ll break my heart.”

— Jonathan Franzen

[rainesbrokenmind]

“Healing is a choice. It is not an easy one because it takes work. But keep making the choice and shifts will happen.”

— Yehuda Berg

[rainesbrokenmind]

I think I’m starting to realize some things. For one she knows how to be independent. I don’t and I think that affects her hugely. I was independent once and in every unhealthy manner possible I have never truly learned heathy independence I’ve always been co dependent on her always looking for her to take care of me because I couldn’t take care of myself and I was scared too. I think needing someone to help care for you is good, and then there is a point when it isn’t good. It crosses the lines of okay to toxic.

I’m not gonna lie I’m scared I don’t want to do this alone and I don’t think I am 100% doing this alone. She was there when I went into the health center for help she was there to pick up the phone afterward. Was concerned if I was alone in the office. Ik she’s there so idky I think I’m going to be alone in the ways I think. She’s still supporting me and I’m starting to understand how she works.

Maybe I really did need an outside source to help me through this because it is working to an extent. I’ve been trying to listen better. There are some things my mind blocks because I’m not ready to hear it or I can’t accept it just yet. Something still get under my skin and I’m choosing to try and ignore them. Life is strange and scary.

[rainesbrokenmind]

I caused you to take care of me for so many years. you got tired and left.

[rainesbrokenmind]

[rainesbrokenmind]

feels bad. feels so good.