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hufflepuff

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Pride month is tough| My non-coming out story

This is long so let me say this at the start.  Happy Pride month everyone! I am in awe of every. single. person. Who is out living there truth and celebrating themself. You are amazing, you deserve it. I wish I was as strong as you.  To everyone who isn’t out. I feel you. I’m sure I'm not alone at how bittersweet Pride month is. The love for the community mixed with the pain of your own story. I feel you.  If anyone wants to talk, just to rant like i have here (It feel cathartic, even if no one ever reads this). Message me if you want.  Message someone, maybe who is going through something similar. Anonymously if you must.   Just because we aren’t out in the community doesn’t mean we have to be alone. This is mostly just me ranting about my situation. It's not a story to help anyone.  I would love your input. People who have come out, how did you do it? i honestly don't know what to do. ________________________________

facts about me: 1. I am 23 years old, women. 2. I am engaged and in love, with the man I started dating when I was 15 2. I am bisexual 3. I’m a not “out” (see fact 2.)

I remember when I started dating my fiancé at 15, my mother told me I was too young. That I didn’t know who I was yet. I remember thinking  “pfft. I know exactly who I am”

The memory makes me laugh when I think about it for two reasons: 

I really didn’t know myself. I was heavily supressing the fact that I was VERY attracted to women. I wouldn’t even think the term ‘bisexual’ until I was nearly 18.  

Oh boy how horrified my homophobic mother would feel if I ever told her how/why she was right.

I come from a pretty big town (100,000 people), but it isn’t as open as accepting as you would think for 2019. Maybe it’s just the circle I run in here but I don’t know anyone in the LGBTQ+ community and I don’t come across a lot of people that are. I haven’t experience anyone being/saying an outright homophobic thing (other than, say, my mother) but no one is out and proud. Queer women are more likely to be treated like an object for male fantasy then like normal people. I have been spending a lot of time in Melbourne. Where I have met and talked with other amazing Queer people, but mostly a lot of Queer women. Seeing these women (and those who do and don’t identify), has made my love for LGBTQ+ women and their strength so strong, I want to scream YAAASSS and cry at literally everything they do. Their fierceness and pride is so admiring and so crippling all at the same time. I have a lot of train trips back to my hometown, hiding in an empty part of the train crying because the closer I get to home the more I feel like I’m boxing myself away. Shoving myself back into the closet. Spending time with so many amazing people is making it hard to ignore those parts of me I push down. Its hard to push that part inside, when I see these women being so fiercely and unapologetically themselves. Last year I started a new Instagram away from personal one. I didn’t advertise to my hometown people. It was a bookstagram where but it was also the first place I openly posted about my sexuality. Last year, in pride I posted about PRIDE month and talked about being bisexual and felt part of a community for the first time. It was a nice place to be, out but not out. But over the last year, due to Instagram recommend my account to my facebook friends, people from my family and hometown found It and started following. When it happened I archived all my pride post so they couldn’t see them and stopped posting on my story. I actually thought about deleting it that Instagram and starting again 100% making sure its separate. But there are so many lovely people that I talk to on that account, people I have met in Melbourne that I don’t want to lose them.  But I really hate my behaviour lately and deleting that account and starting again feels so shameful. I noticing more and more the things I do, to try to be careful not to ‘out’ myself. Don’t read to many LGBTQ+ books in a row, because people on my Goodreads might notice. I certainly can’t review about how much I love the representation. I took picture for my Instagram of my favourite LGBTQ+ books but was too scared to post them in case someone asked questions.  I hate that I censor myself. Twitter (and here) is the only place where can interact with other amazing Queer people without people from my hometown finding out. But how long till they find it? How long to I have to burn that bridge?  I live in fear. I should just come out. But how do I come out? What would be the point? I am in love and engaged to a man. All coming would do is make my mother hate me. How would I survive that? How can I keep living, when i feel like I’m lying to everyone? I feel trapped and ashamed that I can’t just be out and proud like everyone else on my timeline. 

I want to. but part of me wonders if I ever could or should.

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The loop hole of vegetarianism

Trying to get some writing done at a cafe but over my headphones i can hear the girl sitting next to me at the cafe. She is eating a subway sandwich she brought in and is chatting loudly to her mum about being a vegetarian which gets my attention as I am a vegetarian.

The conversation:

The mum: oh so what’s in that sandwich, is it good?

Girl: oh it’s so delicious, just the best. This is a meatlovers its has meat balls, Turkey…

*mother looked confused*

Girl: I’m a vegetarian… but like I will like eat meat if I’m out.. like say I’m at subway… because it doesn’t like taste like real meat so it like doesn’t really count. So I got the meat lovers.

The mum: oh okay.

Me: (see gif)

[rae-the-raven-blog]

The loop hole of vegetarianism

Trying to get some writing done at a cafe but over my headphones i can hear the girl sitting next to me at the cafe. She is eating a subway sandwich she brought in and is chatting loudly to her mum about being a vegetarian which gets my attention as I am a vegetarian.

The conversation:

The mum: oh so what's in that sandwich, is it good?

Girl: oh it's so delicious, just the best. This is a meatlovers its has meat balls, Turkey...

*mother looked confused*

Girl: I'm a vegetarian... but like I will like eat meat if I'm out.. like say I'm at subway... because it doesn't like taste like real meat so it like doesn't really count. So I got the meat lovers.

The mum: oh okay.

Me: (see gif)

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Ilvermorny- Horned Serpent- The Mind

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Taurus sun / scorpio moon / aries rising

Requested by @bookish-relates

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Golden yellow / flowers / space / lockscreen

Requested by anon

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hufflepuff

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The Assassins Blade “She was fire, she was darkness, she was dust and blood and shadow.”

Just finished this reread. I finally read the last story and now I am devastated.

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Personal Aesthetics

INFP 6w7 Hufflepuff for anon

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INFP, Aquarius, Ravenclaw, Horned Serpent Aesthetic

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“You shouldn’t call out men on their actions/ behaviors, you might ruin their careers.”

Me:

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when im trying to get some writing done but life is like....