radiant-recovery

[radiant-recovery]

Losing weight is not your life’s purpose

[radiant-recovery]

u may not like ur arms but they can carry babies and puppies and kittens

and u may not like ur hands but they can hold flowers and other hands and help braid hair

and u may not like ur nose but it helps u smell nice candles and the earth after it rains and the nice lotion u put on

u may not like ur eyes but they help u see pretty people and cute dogs and cats and all the bright colors around you.

you may not like ur legs but they can help u walk through fields of flowers and through cities full of beautiful buildings

and you may not like ur tummy but it’s a good pillow and it helps u digest good food and u may not like ur body but it loves u so much!!! ur body is beautiful and some days may be hard but u have to take care of urself!! i’m rooting for you!!!

[radiant-recovery]

Do not touch your body with bad intentions. Rub your belly when it is full. Stroke your soft skin. Hug yourself, even if it’s silly, because it feels nice. Pleasure yourself. Do not touch your body with bad intentions. Do not pinch at the fat on your stomach. Do not scratch at your skin. Do not hate the shell you’re encased in.

[radiant-recovery]

healing isn’t always fun. it’s work. it’s hard.

sometimes it’s taking time for yourself. sometimes it’s crying for hours and hours. sometimes it’s relapsing. sometimes it’s being mad and angry and frustrated. sometimes it’s seeking help. sometimes it’s just talking it out. sometimes it’s forcing yourself to eat. sometimes it’s reliving something traumatic. sometimes it‘s wanting to scream. sometimes it’s singing your favorite songs very loudly. sometimes it’s laughing with your friends about stupid things you did. sometimes it’s having hard conversations.

again, healing is hard. but it still needs to be done. and i‘m proud of each and every one of you who are trying. because i know it can be so so so draining. i believe in you.

[radiant-recovery]

It’s so seductive to think you’ll be fine without food. It might even seem that way to you. But the truth is, you won’t be and you can’t be. It’s not a failure on your part when you feed yourself.

[radiant-recovery]

little reminder that your eating disorder is nothing without you and you could be anything without your eating disorder

if you don’t feed it, it can’t live

if you feed yourself instead, you can

[radiant-recovery]

we need carbs and we need fats and we need proteins and honestly fuck diet culture for normalizing malnourishment 

[radiant-recovery]

Michelle Allison is a gem. (And she does brilliant analyses of diet culture.)

[radiant-recovery]

[radiant-recovery]

Imagine 💕🍵 #2

It’s a lazy morning in December. The curtains are open, and you can see snow drifting through the crisp air outside. A fire flickers cheerfully in the fireplace, but it’s for atmosphere more than anything–your body is finally back to regulating its temperature and keeping you warm. The familiar smell of baking cookies fills the air: chocolate, spice, vanilla. If they taste even half as good as the dough, you’ll be making another batch by tonight.

But for the moment, at least, you’re wearing your new pajamas instead of an apron. You barely remember what size they are and you don’t care. You’re sporting some impressive bedhead, but you don’t mind, because you traded lanugo for thick, lively locks.

You are cuddling with your significant other/platonic soulmate, who can’t stop telling you how gorgeous your newly healthy body is. Once upon a time, “healthy” would have felt like an attack; now, you can’t think of a more kickass descriptor. Choosing life was the hardest decision you’ve ever made, but it made you the strongest you’ve ever been, and you think that’s pretty incredible, thank you very much.

Sure, you’d be lying if you said recovery wasn’t a roller coaster. There are ups and downs even now. But long gone are the days of lying on the floor sobbing, of berating yourself in the mirror, of feeling at your bones as if they could possibly give you comfort. You don’t have to frequent the medicine cabinet now that you’re not living in constant pain. And you don’t dream about food anymore. It’s your reality now.

Now, you stir your warm mug of cocoa with a peppermint stick and watch the marshmallows melt like little glaciers. You laugh at the dumb movie playing on the Hallmark channel, because now that your fatigue and brain fog have cleared, you can actually follow the cheesy dialogue. You aren’t cold or dizzy or hungry. There is no parade of numbers marching through your head.

You’re just here, living in the moment. And you’re happy.

And those cookies will be ready any minute now.

[radiant-recovery]

[radiant-recovery]

Skinny/underweight things you didn’t think about

is your restrictive eating disorder telling you it’s gorgeous, amazing and the ultimate goal to be as skinny and light as possible, underweight? it isn’t. here’s some things you might not realise: 

you’ll have difficulties with pooping! your digestive system is gonna get fucked upppp

think you’ll finally fly up the stairs without being out of breath? well your body is gonna feel like it’s gonna shut down when you reach the top, there’s no energy left to walk up the stairs

you’ll feel your heart in your chest which makes you anxious to go to sleep every night, thinking it will shut down 

you won’t be able to hold a normal conversation, your brain doesn’t have the capacity to deal with all that. you’ll be zoning out all the time (and honestly the only thing on your mind is food anyway)

you won’t be living anymore, every moment is just waiting for the next meal. every day will be filled with the same repetitious stuff: waiting for the food you allow yourself, work-outs (if that’s your thing), thinking about food, looking at food (maybe on insta or in youtube videos), shivering and sleeping and then it starts again

you’ll still be wanting to loose more weight! forever being dissatisfied with the way you look! it will never be enough! 

your body won’t necessarily look like an insta model or “thinspo”. my ass was completely GONE and my stomach always was a lil soft, no matter how underweight i was and how much i trained

you will always notice that other people are noticing something’s wrong. You will notice them staring (not the jealous or appreciative kind), you will feel their worry or sadness, you will feel the awkwardness around you alllllll the time

you’ll be sore or in pain most of the day: sitting hurts, lying down hurts, all your bones are sore

think you’ll be the prettiest and thinnest in school/uni/work? what school/uni/work? you think you can be in school/uni/work? no! you won’t have the concentration to pass your classes, you’re too preoccupied with food & your body, you have no energy to get through a working week, and if you suffer from anxiety and/or depression, those might get worse too! sooner or later you’ll have to take a break from whatever occupation, isolating you further 

anything you think you’ll do better or more confident when you’re thin is a lie: you’ll loose your passion or interest in your hobbies, you’ll loose your energy, and confidence isn’t built by the way you look (especially when you’ll still feel bad about yourself anyway, that’s why eating disorders are DISORDERS). 

thin and brittle hair & nails, blue toes & lips, eyebags for days

emotions flatten, so you’ll be enjoying things less 

your personality changes: you become secretive, impatient with others when it doesn’t go your way, and even real mean when it comes to food: angry and defensive when food isn’t there on time, or when people try to make you eat

Moral of the story: restricting yourself isn’t the answer to what you’re experiencing and feeling. Consider reaching out to whatever help you can find, and be honest to yourself. It is Never too early to recover; you don’t have to be skinnier or “sicker” to seek out help, banish that thought!! your ED will steal YEARS of your life if you let it. Don’t fall for its tricks, and don’t romanticize the consequences. 

[radiant-recovery]

Can I just say: if you’re “curious” about something diet/food/body/weight related and you have a history of eating disorders (or disordered eating or body dysmorphia or OCD), DO NOT do the thing. Don’t add up how many calories you ate today just because you’re “curious.” Don’t measure yourself, don’t look up some celebrity’s measurements, don’t look into macros or keto or BMI charts or ANYTHING else like that. That stuff is absolutely TOXIC and even giving in one time can turn into a habit. So please, if you care about yourself and you want to recover or just don’t want to get worse, IGNORE THE URGE!!

[radiant-recovery]

If at any point during recovery your ed uses the "wait you cant do that, not even normal people do that" argument, remember the point is to recover from your eating disorder, not to represent "normal people". 🌻

[radiant-recovery]

Reminder not to comment on what other people are eating this thanksgiving or like ever lmao

[radiant-recovery]

Thanksgiving Reminders

Things I need to remind myself over thanksgiving:

It’s okay if you overeat. In fact, it’s okay if you overeat a LOT. It’s just one day

Some of the food only happens once a year, so try to eat what you really enjoy, even if you can only manage a little bit. Some holiday foods are scary, but you still deserve to enjoy them

As cheesy as it sounds, it’s a holiday about thankfulness, appreciation, and spending time with family (blood-relations or chosen family, it doesn’t matter). Remember that there are people in your life that care about you and cherish you, and that won’t change depending on your weight or perception of your own worth

If you like pie: EAT SOME! It can be really scary (for me it is), but it can be absolutely worth it, especially if you only get it once a year. I love pumpkin pie, and only ever get it on thanksgiving. It scares the shit out of me, but I’m challenging myself to eat some anyway

[radiant-recovery]

when i eat without an issue, i have a brief delusion that i’m faking having an ed.

i’m not faking; i’m recovering. i’m getting stronger.