rachelykim - Tumblr blog

[rachelykim]

This is my husband. Husband. What a simple yet profound, heavy, and weighty title for my other half, my life partner.

He doesn’t know when I take pictures of him or write these random posts to myself about him.

I never thought of Daniel Lee being my husband, at least not past college, and at times, it still feels surreal. Some of the things I love about my husband:

1) I have never had to doubt His love for and trust in God. From Day 1, He has made the Christ the center of our relationship. He is unafraid to pray, to challenge me deeper in faith, and to recognize in humility that he is not enough to fulfill where God can.

2) He is private. He won’t post on social media, let alone have an account. He is austere to the point of frustration- seriously, we won’t have a tv in our house for a looooong time if he can will it. But in his privacy and need to treasure things quietly is a mature depth and rooted contemplation, difficult to find in our quick and easy generation. I find that he is slow to answer, not because he lacks alacrity of thought, but he weighs each opinion and perspective before speaking.

3) He is purposely modest. I found around a year in from our relationship and after being engaged for half a year from his best friend that he was in the top ten residency programs for emergency medicine in the US. He hadn’t told me once that he was in such a program and knowingly, his friend had told me “Daniel will never say that himself.”

4) He whispers “I love you” subconsciously in his sleep. HAHA

These photos are a reminder from an hour ago that in his days off from night shifts, he prays and goes to cafes with me. And I don’t doubt that he prays for me. I am thankful for my husband and I wanted to capture this moment of gratitude before we leave this cafe to grab some hotpot because the weather dropped from 87 to 56 Fahrenheit in 24 hours.

[rachelykim]

Poem from 8.18.20 after the canoe trip at Taylor falls

Come and hear,

the whispers of the heart,

that beckon to the longings of the soul

the cry for eternity deep in the heart of mortal man.

Come and see,

The billowing trees sing,

and glistening waters dance.

Reckon the glimpse of heaven on earth, a measure of eternity’s song.

Unassuming and sweet, unashamed and glorious,

man’s praise is not requested, careless of esteem,

an endless melody and steady cadence of the Creator’s heart,

Nature’s symphony.

[rachelykim]

the beautiful

Today, the roses Daniel gifted for my birthday bloomed beautifully. They have been blooming each day since they arrived in our humble abode, but today, I took the time to appreciate their colors, their shape, and simply, their beauty. As I did so, I felt my soul lift and some reflections came to mind. Here are some musings.

Daniel says this quite often: “What’s the point of flowers? You pay a lot and then they die” Especially because he’s had to purchase so many since we started dating; poor guy.

Not to pull a Karate Kid moment, but the meaning of flowers is actually that they are meaningless. They serve no other purpose but to simply be and to be means to be beautiful. By being they are beautiful, and thus they are true and good.

The concept of Thomas Aquinas was that the three Transcendentals, properties which pertain to the human field of interest and their ideals, are the good, the true,  and the beautiful. Long before Christ, Socrates identified Beauty leads to Goodness and Truth. Recent theologians recognize that these attributes pertain and transcend merely because they are attributes of God. God is good, true, and beautiful.

In the midst of rigorous ethics studies, we cling to the ugly truth (“Give me reason! Give me logic!”). In the name of morality and/or our desire to be on the right side of truth, we cling to the what we think is good, seeking the right politics, and now, in another chaotic season of upcoming presidential elections, choosing the “lesser evil” leader  for our nation; taking whatever stance we believe stands best for what is “right” against racism or protecting personal liberties, and consequently, making everyday decisions on how to go about our anxiety-ridden lives in a global pandemic.

Yet, the roses simply bloom to teach a simple yet timeless truth. Truth and goodness cannot be reached without beauty. “True beauty” is what is “truly good”- the beauty of healthy marriages, families united, nature, reconciliation, and the gospel. The beauty in the human soul, imago dei and the recognition of human dignity granted by God himself. To honor what is beautiful and to appreciate it is an act of worship because one cannot see God as merely the what is true and absolutely good, without acknowledging that He is gloriously beautiful! God Himself is beautiful; He loves beauty and what Christ has gifted us is not only a salvation and new life that is good or true, but one that is absolutely beautiful.

We cannot find what is good and true in this age, without learning the practice of seeing the beautiful.  Flowers themselves simply exist to be beautiful (truly, aside from helping bees pollinate or as a resting place for butterflies, I’m not too sure what purpose they serve aside from aesthetics). They were created as a reminder of the eternal and deep truth within us. We give them meaning, because in our souls, beauty has meaning. We grant flowers the opportunity to adorn the most important events of our lives--we display and hold them at weddings to celebrate union and love, we place them at funerals to commemorate the lives of the deceased, we bring them to hurt ones in hospitals to find hope in pain and know they are not forgotten, and lovers gift them as a sign of pursuit and gratitude. And every gifting of flowers have this meaning, “You are worthy of being loved.” Weddings show the bride will carry flowers as she walks down the altar to her beloved. Funerals and then gravestones gifted with flowers show that the deceased’s life had meaning on those they leave behind. Those in hospital beds with flowers by their bedside can have hope that though they might be ill, they are not forgotten and their well-being is desired. And lovers who gift a bouquet joyfully provide the implicit message, ”You are worth having this bundle of beauty because to me, you are beautiful”

Beauty reminds of us of our 1) souls desire for eternal beauty, 2) desire to be worthy of beauty. The Gospel truth reminds us that 1) our souls can behold the eternal beauty instilled in the world all around us and in one another merely because God Himself is beautiful and we are created in His image, 2) He finds us utterly beautiful and it rests in us no matter of what we do. The appreciation for beauty finds us to rest in that good truth.

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. “ - Matthew 6:28

[rachelykim]

Psalm 62

My soul waits in silence for God only; From Him is my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken.

62:1-2

My soul, wait in silence for God only; For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My Stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for me.”

62:5-8

[rachelykim]

The suggestion that Paul's statement in Galatians 3:28 is more salvation-historically rooted and not related to social, racial, and gender issues allows an unacceptable dichotomy. No part of the Christian message is salvation-historical without impact on social relations. Being baptized into Christ is about taking one's identity from being joined to Christ. All other identity factors are secondary, and being joined to Christ affects all relations. Actually living coram Deo, in the presence of God, changes all relations because of the character of the God before whom one lives. Paul discusses salvation-historical issues because of their impact on social relations.

Klyne R. Snodgrass

[rachelykim]

carmen

I watched sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 a few days ago and carmen says a line to Julia, a friend who feeds off of Carmen’s insecurity to feel better about herself.

I realize I can blame my Julia’s- my ministry, my schoolwork, my situations- on my creativity dying. My self-assurance waning. Or I can tell it like it is as Carmen does to Julia at the end after she glows as Perdita in a Winter’s Tale: (okay by the way this is paraphrased) No one can make me feel insecure but me.

No one can make me feel stifled but me.

I’m going to keep writing. 

[rachelykim]

more seminary musings

I’m realizing how stifling seminary has been for my thoughts. Institution suffocates liberalism, creativity, and anything that does not “belong” within the traditional confines of what has been predetermined as “right.”

I’ve stopped writing. I’ve ceased whimsies. I’ve measured myself in the regurgitations and restrictions. How absurd.

You know, for scholars studying the Living Water, we sure are dry.

[rachelykim]

taste buds

I had a surprising realization after I took a bite of my tomato soup. It was delicious.

Five years ago, I might have begged to differ. Out of my own volition, I would’ve never hankered for nor ordered a tomato soup at a Panera. But today, as I did many other days this year, I did.

What changed? Surely not tomato soup in the countless decades it has existed. Then the answer must point back to me--I’ve changed.

Ten years ago, I used to pick out every freeze-dried vegetable in my ramen. Now I love adding the very same vegetables I adamantly refused to eat.

Twenty years ago, I had a cherry and decided I hated it. I refused to try cherries until a few years ago and found I now loved them. Years of cherries untasted because of one stubborn decision from an initial try.

Ideas change. Perceptions change. Taste buds change.

I change.

I realize now the world can be the same as it was before but a completely different place when my taste buds for pleasure, for love, and for happiness, change with time. 

[rachelykim]

Without prior belief in the resurrection, belief in Jesus as  Messiah would have been impossible in light of his death. The resurrection turned catastrophe into victory. Because God raised Jesus from the dead, he could be proclaimed as Messiah after all (Acts 2:32, 36). Similarly for the significance of the cross--it was his resurrection that enabled Jesus' shameful death to be interpreted in salvific terms. Without it, Jesus' death would have meant only humiliation and accursedness by God; but in view of the resurrection it could be seen to be the event by which forgiveness of sins was obtained. Without the resurrection, the Christian Way could never have come into being. Even if the disciples had continued to remember Jesus as their beloved teacher, they could not have believed in him as Messiah, much less deity

William Lane Craig, 159, Jesus Under Fire

[rachelykim]

the road less taken, the more im shaken

I’m feeling like this is such a vital stage of my life- every decision counts.

every little choice marks the habits I choose to keep for the rest of my life. Now it’s ten steps forward with one seed planted or return back to from whence I came.

Every decision, I realize my weakness. I am still a child. My flesh rears as I want to choose godliness but realize I don’t have a natural capacity yet to choose it without thinking. My consciousness must be alert.

I’m also realizing hesitation is a choice. Indecision is a decision. Inaction is passive action.

[rachelykim]

My cousin sent me this. I’m grateful for them but all I can think is looking at me, “wow I’m really born this way”

[rachelykim]

Peru by Eduardo Flores

[rachelykim]

As Sanders writes, “True greatness, true leadership, is achieved not by reducing men to one’s service but in giving oneself in selfless service to them. And this is never done without cost. . . . The true spiritual leader is concerned infinitely more with the service he can render God and his fellowmen than with the benefits and pleasures he can extract from life. He aims to put more into life than he takes out of it.”37 This radical model, which goes against the grain of present-day cultural norms, can be practiced only by the power of the Holy Spirit. A true servant leader is a Spirit-led leader.

Hutchison

[rachelykim]

This photo was taken sometime in 2014. It was one of my favorite moments in Cambodia.

I was in the village with little communication outside of the school I was teaching at. Only the late night scrabble games, with the Bonaios, my wonderful Filipino family that ran the school, seemed to be the things that I felt any mode of joy.

And I remember feeling confusion. It was stifling. Was this what missions entailed? The slow moments of heavy nothings. Quiet moments of frustration. Dawdling moments of aimlessness. Stewing moments of feeling ineffective. And residual moments of apathy and wondering where God was. Moments where I found I wasn’t a saint by simply being overseas, but rather the same hot-tempered impatient naive 22 year old I was a few months before in the States.  For safety reasons, there was little I could do- I couldn’t leave the school area in the months I stayed, I couldn’t take walks alone or explore the village in solitude, I wouldn’t be allowed to ride a motorbike. My common question was- God, where are you?

But this day, Kiko/ Kirk, as my teenage guardian, and I decided to bike to a nearby reservoir on one of my rare permitted trips out. It was a sunny yet humid day. As we were just mildly talking, it suddenly started pouring--one of Cambodia’s flash storms (YAS). Biking through the thunderstorm on muddy roads with huge potholes, we rode through the scanty cows herds and alongside bright green rice fields in the torrent.  We found shelter under a random house. I ripped my favorite green dress stuck in the gears when getting off the bike. My feet in sandals were caked with red mud. We were drenched to the bone. And then we started laughing. It was as if the rain washed away all these stifling, sticky ugly thoughts, and wanted to start again on a new slate. It was saying, “Hi.” And it let us laugh. Because sometimes tearing your dress, riding in the rain, and just enjoying the cool breeze on the ride back was all I needed- not some great theological epiphany or a great experiential catharsis. Just one rainstorm to remember joy.

So I asked Kiko to take a pic to remember this moment. To recall the small well of joy spring up in my heart from a rainy day in Cambodia. When moments of aimlessness or discouragement come, I wanted to remember that the rain comes to renew. That small moments can easily refresh my soul when my life feels stuck in the humid days. Joy can come in small moments.

I saw this picture and wanted to remember.

[rachelykim]

Bus as for me, I will watch expectantly for the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation. my God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise; Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD is a light for me.

Micah 7:7-8

[rachelykim]

the sun

today.

the sun feels as if it sees an injustice

and is rightly indignant

it stifles with an inner madness

demanding that its inhabitants feel 

[rachelykim]

from davis circa year 2009 to talbot 2018- grateful for this pal. except he no longer eats my jjajjaroni with melted forks in it. and he is getting married in a few months. da bean