rachcutie14-blog

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Perhaps I've become a little too obsessed with these dorks here. In all honesty, their simple smiles can brighten up my day. I haven't stuck by your side from the start. I didn't start researching about you until I got the opportunity to see you live but I've always loved your music. Let's face it. My favorite songs from Before You Exit are Soldier and Radiate. It's a little weird that I tear up each time I hear those songs. Maybe cause during the time that I actually made the decision to join the fandom, I was having a really tough time in my life. I can't deny that fact. I would always cry myself to sleep, cut myself and blame myself for everything that's happening. My parents never liked me fangirling over bands and artists. They hated it when I do that. In all honesty, I was never even allowed to their concert. I just really pushed it even if it did go a little too far. Fact is, music has always made me feel safe and secure. It's my comfort zone. I just get envious sometimes. Lately, I've realized how big the impact music has left in my life. I want to pursue music. It's just that I have a really talented sister and I will always be compared to her. I'm not as good as her. I like a different genre of music. That's the difference. But Connor McDonough here, is kind of pushing me to do what I love. I prolly won't be famous. I would prolly just be a typical girl doing covers online. But that's okay. If it means inspiring others to follow their dreams, I would continue it. I just want to do something I'm passionate about. I just want to explore the talents I have. I just want to be me. It's weird that I was taken out of the topic of Before You Exit. I got a little too carried away. I've always adored their music. I admire those who write their own music. I admire how they pour their emotion to the song. They don't just write for the sake of writing. They write for the sake of sharing their experiences in life. All the lessons and the emotions they're feeling. Trust me, I can feel all of that. That is how I see music in my life. I wasn't given the chance to talk to Before You Exit. But if I had the chance to, I'd say what I would say. I'd pour my heart out on them. They mean the world to me. They gave me the light that I lost in the process of growing up. They gave me hope that I would do what I want to do. They've pushed me to stand up for myself to those who've pushed me down. They made me feel like I'm never alone. They made me feel like they will always be here to pick me up when I fall down. They motivate me to give my all. I would want them to know that even if they've heard it a million times through different people. I'll never get tired of saying that. I'll never get tired of letting them know how their music and just being themselves give a huge impact on the lives of others. How a simple tweet each day could mean the world to a person who's suffering in his/her life. I'll never get tired of thanking them. I'll never get tired. They deserve to know this. They've helped saved the lives of people. They've helped save mine. I will love them endlessly for this. I hope they know that I'm really thankful to have encountered such amazing people who are good influences to others.

[rachcutie14-blog]

My life

In my journey in this Earth, I've met so many people Some were good and some were bad But I never judged their life In the years I've grown, I've faced challenges and trials That seemed impossible to solve I became too sensitive I had a family, most people wanted to have But what they don't know Is how miserable and lonely I felt with them I felt incomplete I had friends that made and broke me Some built my confidence Some broke it along the way I hated myself Most people judged me for the way I lived my life But no one knew the story of how my life turned out to be Some people say they cared But they were the people that left my side A friend told me that I was finding a reason to be depressed How could he know? He never felt what I felt The person I used to be is long gone Everyone broke me Shattered my dreams Like it was a piece of glass that meant nothing I never spoke up about myself No one listened to what I had to say They were too busy comparing me with the world But fucking hell, everyone just stop it I'm so done with hearing everything I cry myself to sleep each night No one even notices that I'm so broken, it hurts I thought life would be simple But it's not and it's not worth living anymore I just want to disappear from this world It's not like anyone noticed my existence "Nobody ever cares" as one said I get how he feels now that I'm in this position I crave for love Love from the people that I care about Why is everyone so hard on me? I hate myself, I hate my life I just want to be gone

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I still believe

I'm obsessed with musicals. I grew up watching so many musicals. The last musical I saw was Miss Saigon. There was this song. A song that made me feel sadness. A song that made me feel my longing to someone so dear to me. The lyrics said: "I still, I still believe you will return. I know you will. My heart forevermore holds still." I long. I long for the day we go back to the way things were. The day we will be frienda once more. I don't care if you don't love me back. I just need a littlw light in my life. You bring that light. You are the reason I wake up each day. I still believe we can be together even if you said we would never be. I may look stupid for wanting something impossible between us but I cannot control my emotions when I'm around you. I still believe that you have the capability to change other people's lives. You've changed mine. Those people will be very lucky to have met you. You are wonderful. You are amazing. A girl would be lucky to fall in love with you. I still believe that I am still important to you. In my eyes, I can see my importance in your life. I just hope it is real. I cannot trick myself anymore. I still believe you'll continue to change me. I still believe that you are the person that'll take away my depression. You are the person who will save me from misery. I still believe I will love you forever even if you don't feel the same for me.

[rachcutie14-blog]

I still, I still believe you will return. I know you will. My heart forevermore holds still.

Miss Saigon

[rachcutie14-blog]

Best Day

I just had one of the best days ever in a long time. He started talking to me again. Like the way we used to talk before everything happened. I'm so damn happy now. He's a really nice guy. I hope other people can see that. Someday, he'll meet a girl, a girl he'll fall in love with. I'm sure that girl is very lucky to have someone like him in her life. I don't care if I'm not destined for him. As long as he's happy, I'm happy. I just hope we can stay friends. It would mean a lot to me if he did. P.S. this suddenly became my diary. Lol.

[rachcutie14-blog]

Happiness

I've decided to be happy today. I won't let things ruin my day. I really need it. It's crazy how something so simple, like a small note saying that the person who wrote it is sorry for what he/she has done to you, mean so much. It can change your mood without you noticing it. Maybe that's a way of motivating us to stay positive. I always stare at that little note he gave me. Believe me, I know his handwriting already for spending so much time starting at that note. He apologized. It meant a lot to me that he apologized for what he's done. I forgave him so easily even if I know that he will continue to make mistakes cause I know everyone has flaws. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. Maybe that's how I know for certain that I fell in love with him. I don't know what it is with him that even though he has made so many mistakes, I still accept and love him for who he is. Some people, upon hearing it, may leave him cause it is not acceptable in the society. Somehow, I still stood by his side. I still believe that he can change. It's something my family doesn't understand about me. It's my weakness. I wish I could, somehow, let him know how much I love him. But that's not as simple. I rarely talk to people. I cannot express my feelings. I usually write but won't I look a little bit obsessed writing to him? Hmmm... maybe I am obsessed with the thought of him. He makes me world light up with his smile. He makes my heart feel like mashed potatoes (cause I love mashed potatoes haha). If I had the chance, I would totally tell him how I feel. We don't have a lot of time in this world. I don't want to die or grow old having so many regrets. I wish someone would help me talk to my happiness.

[rachcutie14-blog]

Maybe

I'm not a believer in the word "maybe". I am a huge believer of yes or no. But now, I'm starting to think about "maybe". Like maybe if things were different, I could be happier. Maybe if I haven't discovered my talent in dancing, what would be my anti-stress activity? Maybe if I hadn't met him, I wouldn't be hurting this way. But things happen. That's what I know. Maybe... maybe if I didn't believe in every word he said, I wouldn't hirt this much. I feel like he led me on when he did warn me from the start that we'll only be friends. It hurts a lot. It feels like I've been stabbed lots of times. Maybe... maybe I shouldn't have never accepted your friend request. It all started with that. Because I accepted, you started to chat with me. We became so close to each other. Maybe... maybe I shouldn't have given you the things you wanted. It's not exactly what you wanted but I was on the verge of giving it to you. I fell so hard for you and it pains me to know that you don't care as much as I do for you. Maybe... maybe I shouldn't have been so close to you. Maybe I shouldn't have told you my problems. Maybe I shouldn't have trusted you so much. If only I knew you'd leave me. Maybe... maybe I shouldn't have fell for you. If I didn't love you as muchas I do now, the damage wouldn't be the same. It won't hurt as much as it hurts now. Maybe... maybe I shouldn't have met you in the first place. Maybe if I hadn't met you, I wouldn't be depressed again. I wouldn't cut again. Maybe I wouldn't think of death as much as I do now. But I do. I do think about death a lot. Maybe... maybe it's better if I was gone. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what people may think. I'm afraid of what people may say. I'm afraid I have lots of dreams that I haven't accomplished. But what can I do? You made me be like this. You made me see the dark side of life. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of doing. I'm afraid that people would leave me alone. I'm afraid I won't be able to take it. It all started with you. You made me so broken. It pains me.

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