raccoongoddess

[raccoongoddess]

if my extended family says anything cringe to me over thanksgiving dinner then i'm going to explain neopronouns to my eight year old cousin

[raccoongoddess]

i feel like a big part of the "two nickels" joke that most people don't appreciate (as it has sort of become lost in translation since becoming a meme) is the fact that we have absolutely zero knowledge of how doofenshmirtz was doomed by a puppet the first time. the original punchline was about making us think "how the hell has that happened to him before"

[raccoongoddess]

"a vague disclaimer is nobody's friend"

4x07 The Initiative

[raccoongoddess]

fashion is cyclical

[raccoongoddess]

I know you're out there, somewhere on Tumblr. You have to be on Tumblr. You drive a red Prius. It proclaims you to be YAOIMOM. It was so excellent I had to pull over in stop and go traffic to take a picture of your car because it was pure perfection. I love you. I support you. I want to be your friend. You live for sure in my state and probably in my city and I want to hang out. You're clearly my kind of person.

If you see this and recognize yourself, reply or reblog if you want to be my friend. I'm not kidding. Let's get some kind of warm beverage at a neutral public space.

[raccoongoddess]

OH my god

[raccoongoddess]

I am becoming aware of the effect a lack of trust in the media has had on people, paired with a dearth of research skills.

[raccoongoddess]

[raccoongoddess]

talking about impenetrable accents/dialect just reminded me. when I was in Milan a couple of years back I was staying in this little rathole hotel and I had the biggest fucking migraine, so I was like non c'è problema I'll just go buy painkillers. of course every pharmacy on the map in a three block radius was closed, so my stupid ass just starts wandering around trying to figure out on the fly if you can get OTC from supermarkets in italy.

I walk into this little everything store (to my foreign eyes the kind of place that back home could sell you a bunch of carrots, a 6-pack of beer, pantyhose, bleach and a screwdriver set) and I see some household basics in the back but not what I need. with the confidence of a person who is only in the city for 3 days because he got bored and packed a bag and booked the cheapest flight available the week before (<= MENTAL ILLNESS), I was like no worries I know some italian, I can just ask.

I grab a bottle of water, walk up to the counter, and I'm like Ciao, hai il paracetamolo? And the guy is like che, and I'm like paracetamolo. Per la mia testa. And he's like che?

This is where I would have said 'aspirina' except I can't take aspirin for medical reasons, or 'antidolorifico' except I don't know that word and I've got no phone data for google translate and also I'm stupid. So in my fucked up leith-glasgow-italian accent I'm like paaa-ra-cetta-mollll-ooo. He's like ohhh bene, bene, and he calls another guy out of the back and asks him to go get something. Other guy then walks out of the store into the street, and before I can be like hey, che la fuck, he comes back and hands me a huge bundle of herbs.

At this point I'm like okay this entire interaction has been a bust, but these guys have been very nice and patient and they're both smiling happily at me because they've been of service, so I'm like ahh perfetto, grazie, pay them a couple of euros and leave.

EVENTUALLY I find a pharmacy that's open, and my head is fucking killing me, and my phone still isn't connecting, and now I have this small shrubbery poking out of my coat pocket, so I don't even bother looking around the shelves. I just walk straight to the counter and I'm like uhh ciao, scusi. And hearing my nightmare of an accent the guy answers in english and I'm like thank christ, do you please have paracetamol. Not aspirin, I can't take aspirin. And he's like yeah yeah hold on, goes into the back, comes out with what I need.

Only when he comes out he gives me this look, and then he starts laughing. And then he pretends he's not laughing and rings me up and I pay, and as I'm leaving I can see him losing it. But I don't care, my head is going to explode, I'm going back to the rathole to close the blinds and fall comatose for four hours.

When I get back to my hotel room I take off my coat and remember the huge bouquet of herbs in my pocket. They smell amazing, and I'm like I'm pretty sure this is parsley in which case I can just get some tomatoes and mozzarella later and make it work. but since I have no idea what that interaction was, I want to make sure. I bring out my phone to get a visual reference of what parsley leaves look like, and because I was using it for google translate earlier I put 'parsley' in the wrong box like a dope and translate it to italian.

prezzemolo

I wish I could have been the pharmacist in the moment he looked at my tired pissed off anglophone ass, heard me say 'paracetamol' in my fucked up accent, and turned around saw what was in my pocket. I'd have lost my shit too.

[raccoongoddess]

anyway sound off. at what stage do ppl think Han figured out the Force was real. the boring answer is after seeing Obi-wan vanish but i think he could rationalise that away as his eyes playing tricks on him. what do we think.

[raccoongoddess]

If Murderbot learnt to cross-stitch:

fuck

[raccoongoddess]

wanted to share my favorite reddit post ever

[raccoongoddess]

If given the choice to time travel I’d much prefer to go forwards in the hope that they might have found a cure for my numerous chronic conditions, but failing that I’ll take the era of medicine when they were prescribing cocaine in cough drops.

If I’m going to die from malpractice, I might as well have some fun first.

[raccoongoddess]

bnha quirkless vigilante izuku au where he just gets real fucking good at disguises, and keeps disguising himself as an easy target (old grandma with money, defenseless young lady, etc.) in places where he Knows theres some bastard fuckheads

and then they target him (bc the lowest hanging fruit is the easiest to reach from the gutters) and he beats the shit out of em. but never crosses the line of Justified Self Defense. and since he doesnt have a quirk, hes not breaking the public quirk abuse laws.

every cop at the local police station knows him by name. they all fucking hate him

[raccoongoddess]

so true

[raccoongoddess]

Okay, so I have had this idea for a crack pairing, and I need to share it. 

The year is 1816. Napoleon has been exiled on Saint Helena and mainland Europe is once again safe to travel. Caroline Bingley, her sister Louisa Hurst, and her brother-in-law Mr. Hurst decide to summer in the Carpathian Mountains, which have been relatively untouched by the recent conflicts. While there mingling with the local nobility at a ball, Caroline meets Count Vlad Dracula. The two marry after a short courtship where others applaud the suitability of the pairing of Caroline’s fortune and Count Dracula’s land and title.

Caroline arrives at her new husband’s castle for the first time and finds it a mess, but Caroline Dracula is not to be daunted. With all the experience of a woman who has been assisting her brother in his estate running for years prior to his marriage, Caroline sets about getting the castle in tip-top shape. New furniture and upholstery is ordered, stonework is repaired, and styles are updated. If the Count is adverse to these updates, Caroline is not inclined to notice. She is mistress of the house now, she need not consult her husband in its appointment. 

Dracula is puzzled by the reactions of his new wife. When she encounters his wolves, she refuses to be frightened and simply cites her prior experience with her brother’s hunting dogs as she tells the wolves to heel, and they actually listen to her. If he crawls about the walls, she chides him for his behavior, saying that he is displaying a lack of manners. No matter what he does, though either a self-centered obliviousness or a prideful and bossy manner that refuses to accept that she might be less than prepared for anything, Caroline will not be frightened by Dracula. The Count is at a complete loss for how to handle her.

Anyway, time passes, hijinks happen, and eventually Count Dracula falls in love with his Countess and ends up changing to conform to her. The two possible endings that I see for this are that either Caroline remains completely oblivious to what her husband is for her entire life or she becomes a vampire and the two of them terrorize the country as equals. 

The end.

[raccoongoddess]

going outside will kill the patient! she needs ugly yellow wallpaper to live