quique-33

[quique-33]

[quique-33]

For me, everything was nice, it was always warm, and it was safe… that is what I always felt. I had no problems nor worries, other than a somewhat cramped space. I did not care for anything or anyone, how could I? Prior to this moment I didn't knew anything other than you.

Sometimes it was quiet, peaceful and nice, other days I could hear you. Your voice was magic, every-time I heard it I kicked and jumped out of joy. It was truly special, you had a really soothing voice, it was soft but I could hear everything you said. It was fragile, but caring, as if touching a butterfly, carefully for not to harm it but tender enough for the butterfly decide to remain there. And do not get me started in your hums, so talented, so beautiful. The sound of your hums is the epitome of the hush of the waves, it reminds me that just as nature: dazzling with beauty, full of life and splendor, but to be respected and reckoned with. Just the same with you, the duality of a beautiful person, kind and gentle, but powerful and protective.

Some days, Wednesdays I think, were the worst. You and your exercises, it was all jumpy and hectic for me, bumped everywhere for a whole hour and it got extremely warm. Yuck. Other days we went to the pool, it supposedly helped us both, but I was somewhat of a lazy person, you did all the job. Some days we just spend them on the couch, wasting a lot of time but man were those the best moments I ever had, just you and me… and sure a huge assortment of our favorite foods were there too. I never liked your TV shows but at least my seat was comfortable, never understood why you had such a hard time just to find a good spot. The good life.

But not all of the days were pretty. I remember well the countless days you could not sleep, all those restless nights that you had to go over and over to the restroom. I hated to see you in that state, hated to see you suffering, I hated hearing you cry, where are your hums?, where is the softness in your voice? Please stop crying! I want to help but I can not. It hurts me, kills me! that I am the reason why you suffered so much sometimes… and yet you smile and once again, softly and gently caressing while saying that you are fine, the promises that everything was going to be alright.

Out of nowhere, I saw dazzling white lights, some randoms pulling me. OF COURSE I CRIED! I was scared and yanked. But then, there you were, the most beautiful thing I ever seen. They handed me to you, that hug, that kiss, that soft voice, I knew in an instant that it was you. The bright room disappeared, I could not hear all those people anymore. Once again, it was only me and you, no one else. I was not scared, I was happy, in fact… I was in love.

Ahhh, my beautiful mom.

[quique-33]

[quique-33]

It is morning, a new beginning.

Scary, but exciting! But I know it will be okay… cause you are here with me.

[quique-33]

Mom, times where hard.

Sure it was exciting and fun at the beginning. Everything was new and everyday an adventure. I met new people and some of them even became my friends, you remember them right? What a mischievous bunch. I also got to try new food, which of course I inherited my foodie side from you, new flavors and our TryOutThursdays in our search for new restaurants. You got me into sports, sorry but soccer never grew on me, I know how much you would have loved to talk about it, but hey! You learned hockey instead. Science Fairs, Theme Parks, Aquariums, Road Trips, Legos… it was fun.

But mom, it sure got hard. I know everybody goes through the same but you know how hard it was. I still was a kid, it hurt when I fell from the tree and broke my arm, it sure hurt when Mr. Whiskers passed away, it hurt when I got into a fight with some bullies, it hurt when they continued making fun of me. I was older, teenager now mom and it still hurts when we lost the hockey playoffs, it hurt when Samantha cheated on me, it hurt when I failed math, it hurt to not get accepted to my favorite uni, hurt to come home alone drunk. Look mom, I am an adult now and yet nothing changed, it hurt when I crashed the car, it hurt when I got fired, it hurt the miscarriage… mom times where indeed hard.

Why am I saying this, you already know everything. You know how much I hated how our family, my grandpas, father and even society saw weakness in men. Do not cry, shut it in your gut, swallow it and be tough. Do not cry, hold your head high. Boys don’t cry, boys don’t cry, boys don’t cry… be a man, be a man, be a…

Man I sure felt alone, those friends did not showed up, I could not share my pain to anyone, my uni roommate was a bad influence and my coworkers did not care. I had to be tough for my Jenny, but in all honesty, I was crumbling inside.

Mom, what would have been of me if you were not there? You always knew when something was wrong. I hated it sometimes, that power of yours. I tried to “man up” and act like nothing happened and yet you just knew. Mom, what would have been of me if not for those hugs? Those long minutes where you just hugged, just the two of us, alone, together. As if a needle poking a water-balloon, without any words you made me burst into tears and you never asked, you just hugged my pain away.

Ahhh, my beautiful mom.

[quique-33]

It is a serious problem, and we should tackle it.

Everybody must be taught to embrace feelings, work with them and be healthier.

Everybody.

[quique-33]

Mom, there have been some stormy days. It is a bit hard and sad, but we will be fine.

We love the rain anyways, right mom?

[quique-33]

Mom? How are you?

I am doing really good. You will never believe me but the twins won their second soccer tournament. I guess soccer was the right choice, it runs trough their veins, just like grandma. No wonder why I never won any hockey championship hahaha. You must be so happy right now, bet you are.

We adopted another cat, please make Jenny stop. She is so much like you, both of you with your obsession to rescue animals, we are cramped in the house as it is. This cat looks so much like Mr. Whiskers, remember about him? How much we loved that cat, I am so glad he lived so much time with us. I still have his collar, it brings me a smile every time I see it.

You remember about the new job? Well, there was this huge corporate competition for a new spot in the table. There where a lot of people gunning for that promotion, I gave it my all and… MOM, WE GOT IT! We got the promotion. I am so happy, you have no idea what a big deal this is because now with the raise we are thinking moving into a bigger house. I think we need to do so because… the third is coming on its way! Mom, we are having another baby! Jenny does not want me to say anything yet but you mom are an exception… she is a girl, we are planning to name her after you!

Mom, do you remember when I was little? I still look back to those days, it was extremely fun. I hope Jenny has the same friendship with Rose as we both had. We did everything together, alone, just the two of us, the dynamic duo, the unstoppable deuce. All those movie nights and oh my the food that we ate. I am continuing TryOutThursdays, it is a family tradition. All the roadtrips and mini adventures in the backyard. You have no idea how much I miss you and how much I thank you. You taught me everything, how to be strong but kind, decisive but compassionate. To offer a hand and sometimes even a hug.

Ohhh your hugs. Man how I miss your hugs.

I will be honest, I still cry sometimes when I think about you. I know time has already passed but I will be lying if I told you I did not miss you. But mom, do not worry about me, you know me well, we can manage this and more. I am really happy that I spend all those years with you, all those tears and laughter. And even if you passed away, even if we are not together… I know I am not alone.

Ahh my beautiful mom, how I love you so.

[quique-33]

[quique-33]

A cold night brings along melancholic memories. But it is okay, maybe you are gone but I keep you close.

An just like this cold night, a new tomorrow is on the rise. Mom, please watch over the new Flower who shares your name.