quieteveningsxo

[quieteveningsxo]

[quieteveningsxo]

this coffee tastes like i can still have a beautiful life

[quieteveningsxo]

[quieteveningsxo]

[quieteveningsxo]

It’s sad how things are currently the way they are. To look back and reminisce old memories and compare the little things and the big things. Is this how all relationships turn out? Or am I just unlucky with another relationship that is filled with pain and disappointment.

I want a lot of things. I expect a lot of things from a relationship. But nowadays it seems harder and harder to get what I am looking for.

What am I doing here? Am I happy? What should I do?

[quieteveningsxo]

Still feel like secrets are being kept hidden and it’s very unsettling. Don’t know what is wrong exactly. Maybe I am overthinking things or maybe deep down I know something is wrong and is trying to look for answers. It seems like you can never be too careful nowadays. Overlooking something can prevent you from finding something big that you haven’t seen before.

This relationship is strange and is as bad as it can get. I don’t know whether I am wasting my time or not. Yes, things are going well right now. But not sure what will happen next month, months and maybe years to come. It’s the unknown that is scary. I wish I can tell the future and determine whether I am making the right decision or walking into a world of hurt and sadness again. I guess that is part of life. Everything is unknown no matter how well you plan your day or something bigger as your life and future.

If I can describe my perfect man, it would be him without the flaws. His flaws are weighting this relationship down and it’s tearing me apart. But it’s hard to walk away when love takes over every aspect of your action and control. Is this what love really is? Or am I naive to believe this can be glued back together?

I need a heart to heart with God (if he’s real) and ask him whether I am making the right choice. I need help.

[quieteveningsxo]

Dont know why im thinking about the past right now. Makes me feel very sad. Disappointed. Upset. Confused. Doubting. Wanting to seek answers and clarification. 

Part of me is annoyed he doesn’t matter any of it. It feels like I am suffering alone. Decided to count how many months he got the freedom. 6 months. Crazy how that went by without any detection until the end of August. It crashes me. Literally. Hurts to talk, breathe. 

There is nobody to vent to about this. Not even him. It might stress him out more and result in more episodes. 

Why am I suffering alone? Is this the price I have to pay to continue to be with him? Is this worth it? Is this happiness even real? 

I will probably feel better when I see him tomorrow. But tonight is not the best. Don’t know what to do. Don’t know how to describe how I am really feeling. 

It sucks. Relationship sucks. 

[quieteveningsxo]

I’m not sure how to explain how I feel the last couple of days. Its been very confusing and I dont know whether I am happy or not. 

I had a very tough night on monday. I was going through a breakdown with the things that were unfolding. Listening to different perspectives made me very confused. And I couldnt figure out what I wanted to do or even the right thing to do. With the situation at hand, nobody is considering what had happened to me and how I am feeling. I understand his condition is severe and he is in a fragile state. But I can’t help the way I feel and I can’t help control my emotions when I am hurt. I felt unwanted and unloved and I was just expressing my feelings combined with what happened about 1.5 weeks ago. And it made him upset to the point where he shut down with me and stopped replying. He seek comfort elsewhere. It bothered me of course. It made me uncomfortable and it hurt my feelings. I needed him as well but he was not there for me. Am I selfish? Maybe. But I am human and I have feelings.

Not sure what made him change his mind about seeing me. But he texted me the next morning asking to see me soon. Taking Lance’s advice and coming to see him instead, I did. Was it a good choice? Well. I hope it was. He needed help. And I didn’t want someone else to give him the help I could give him. 

Lance told me I was able to calm you down. Help you release stress. Apparently I did so when Nikki left. I wanted to be your stress reliever instead of a stressor in your life. I want you to be well. So that night before I felt asleep, I had decided to put my feelings aside. I am still angry and hurt with what happened that night. But your well being is more important. I will hold you when you need me. I will whisper the right words you need to hear. I will give you the support you need my love. 

When I came to pick you up. You looked stress. Sad. Unable to control your crying and tears. I’m not sure why you cried. Was it because of your doctors appointment? Was it because you missed me? I felt uncomfortable seeing you. With everything that happened, I wasn’t sure how to approach you. You tried to hug me and kiss me. I moved away at first but eventually give in. You have that effect on me. You bastard lol. 

You told me it was 2018. I’m assuming you went back in time to when we first started dating and things were going well then. You did not know you were in Bakersfield. You couldn’t even remember what we have decided to eat 2 hours ago via text. It was very strange and I don’t know how to react to it. I admit, I was a little impatient at first. I was frustrated with you because you could not remember. But you can’t control it and I had to remind myself that I am here to support you. We went to get dinner and in the middle of dinner, you seem to stop. Looked into space for about 10 seconds and snapped back to 2020. You asked where we are at. I said we are having dinner at the roadhouse. And I knew you came back. I asked if you missed me. And you could me this very serious look and said yes. You had realized I had left a week ago. And things got bad. And you hugged me and told me you were glad to see me. 

The next couple of days were to catch up. Lance and Russell acted like we didn’t just have a screaming match at each other a week ago. And were happy to see me. Well Russell was. My feelings are still sore from Lance’s phone call. He was a bit heartless, selfish (I guess for good reason: for you), and unconsidered of my feelings. But I was not there for Lance. I was there for you. 

Although the short time with you was strange. I was gentle with you. I tried to be as loving as I can. Tell you its going to be okay. Help you reorient yourself. Do things with you so you don’t just sit and overthink. We made love many times. It was wonderful. I missed it. I missed being with you in bed and holding you. Being away from you for that one week was very tough. I was glad to be back into your arms. But of course, I can’t pretend that things are well between us. We made act like we are back to 100 with the intimacy and the laughing and kissing. But our relationship is not 100. We had put things on hold. Our problems and trust issues on hold because of your health. I’m not 100 percent sure I want to fix things with you. Maybe 75 percent. A part of me thinks its not worth fighting for a broken relationship. Especially a relationship that has been broken repeatedly the last couple of months. We glue and tape the pieces back together but it just continues to crack as time goes by. 

I am very uncomfortable with the fact that you turned to your ex girlfriend for help. Yes I understand why you did it. But with the constant phone calls and texts, it seems a lot more then just work stuff. It seem personal and that you were enjoying her company. And you were replacing my absence attention with hers. I have to remind myself that there is a reason why you two are no longer together. But I don’t like how close you two are becoming. Who facetime for hours? Who calls each other until their phone dies? Who calls each other 30-45 mins at a time multiple times throughout the day? Only couples or people who are interested in each other. Yes you reassure me she has a boyfriend and that you did nothing wrong. But with your history, I can’t believe you 100 percent. 

I am getting very tired of having to worry about you with other girls. If you really love me, I wouldn’t have to worry. But I do because of your actions. Although I had claimed not to put a label on our relationship, its hard to stay neural and ignore whats right in front of me. I am kissing you. I am holding you. I am having feelings and love for you. I can’t just stop being jealous. 

With me being gone, I am a bit even more worry. I reminded you to be professional with her and put the calls and texts short and simple. But with your blackouts and lost of time, I’m afraid you will get confused and not keep your promise.... and when I find out, you will say “I dont remember” or “it wasn’t me”. Thats not an excuse to hurt me my love. I hope you realize the importance of my request and remember to keep them. You dont need her for support. I am here for you. I found a clinic for you faster then she did. She had days to help. I helped you in 10 mins. It was not just professional.. she wanted your company and attention and so did you. 

Typing this all out did not help. It made me concerned and confused even more. My thoughts are all over the place. I don’t have an action plan. I don’t know what is going to happen. And its quite scary. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want to be happy. I hope you can make me happy. I hope you can help me as much as I am helping you. Please. That is all I am asking. 

[quieteveningsxo]

Who the fuck goes through this shit? I dont understand. 

This is even the worst movie idea ever. Who would ever want to go through this. This is the dumbest thing that would never happen and the dumbest thing that would happen to me. I’m a good person. I really am. When I’m in a relationship, I put 100 percent in the relationship. I’m a good girlfriend. I do everything, I try to make my partner happy. Why can’t I get a relationship that I can be happy in. Why does bad things always happen and ruin it all. 

Do I go or stay. Am I really a stressor in your life. Is it better off to just let you go? But I need to know you’re going to be okay without me. I need you to know that I still love you and want you to be well. Would you know that I will always love you? 

[quieteveningsxo]

I feel like crying so hard right now. I’m very disappointed. I guess it really is the end. I wish I can stop thinking about you and loving you. I want to hate you. Please, I want it to end. 

I need something to make me feel better. I need someone to make me feel better.

[quieteveningsxo]

I went to the movies for the first time without you. I’ve been to movies with mindy before. But this time it feels different. Maybe its because I realize I will never be able to sit in the theater with you again. Sitting next to you. Cuddling with you. Putting the arm seat up so you can hold me. It made me really sad. And I really missed me. And I’m going to keep missing it. I’m having to learn how to live life without you again. 

I check your facebook quite often. I think I do it because I wanted some kind of update of you. Even if you just repost stupid jokes and political shit. But it makes me feel kind of better. However, today, you were completely inactivated. And I honestly thought it was because you were coming down to see me so you didnt have time to be on your phone after work. But that didnt happen and youre still inactivated. It made me curious and put sad thoughts in my head. Maybe youre too busy moving on. Maybe youre out meeting with someone else. Getting ready to start your life without me. Finding someone to replace to me. You had no trouble doing it while we were together and while we were broken up for a little while. Why wouldnt you do it again? 

I don’t want to think about that kind of stuff because my wounds are still very fresh. And it makes me sad. Angry. Jealous. But I can’t blame you of course. Everybody has a different timeframe on when they feel ready to get back out on the dating game. I happen to know you have no problem getting back in. 

But are you missing me like I am missing you? Are you sad and depressed like I am? Are you always thinking about me like I am thinking about you? Does everything always makes you want to cry? Especially when its things that reminds you of me?  

I’m here, always thinking, always wishing that things turned out different. I wish August and the months after never happened. It completely turned our lives upside down. It hurt us. It left a permanent scar on us. It ruined us. 

Why did it have to turn out like this?

I read a comment today and it said people cheat because they feel like they are missing something within themselves. I always tell myself theres nothing else I could’ve done to prevent the things you’ve done. I told myself I’ve given you everything and done everything for you the best I can. And so the comment made me feel a big better knowing the issue lies within yourself. But is the problem really you if you’ve never done this with your other partners? Am I to blame? Did I missed something you absolutely needed in this relationship? 

I try to be strong. I tried to repair the relationship the best I can with the wounds I have. But its hard. Its really hard when I’m reminded of the things you’ve done. And naturally I react. I get angry. I get sad and I reacted with you. Its expected. Especially when this relationship meant the world to me. Why couldnt you be more patient with me that night? Why couldnt you prevent this from happening? You overacted because I woke you up from sleep? Was ending our relationship worth the sleep? 

You might be having the best time of your life right now enjoying the single life. but I’m here laying in bed pouring my thoughts and feelings on this blog. Nobody knows how I feel. And I’ve never felt more alone. 

[quieteveningsxo]

One day I’m going to look back at these pictures and I will no longer feel a thing for it

But for now, I’m going to continue to ache for you and the memories we made.

10252020

[quieteveningsxo]

Its so hard not being able to text you or call you. I know its for the best but I’m having the most difficult time. I’m missing you terribly. I wish things turned out differently. If we were meant to be together, why did it turn out like this? 

[quieteveningsxo]

The most disturbing thing had happened tonight. There was no words to describe how I felt. I was legitimately scared. I was scared of what was going to happen to me. I was scared of how far he was willing to go. The person I called the love of my life. The person who I once wanted to married and have a future with. I don’t know who he is anymore. But tonight’s event had finally opened my eyes and made me see someone I do not know. 

I confronted him about who the girl was. He knew he was guilty so he did not want to answer. He got angry and took the phone away from my hands. He turned to the other side.

I finally got into his account and asked him who Angel B was. He said, it does not matter. Its none of my business. And that I shouldn’t be going through his stuff.

In order to make this relationship worked. I told him I will have to check his phone to ease my fears throughout the night. I had to make sure he was being faithful to me and do things right this time around. We agreed to that. But to come back and say its none of my business? To say its not right? You broke my trust. You hurt me. Accept the consequences. Can’t take the heat? You shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Take responsibility for your own actions. 

We fought in bed. I yelled at him to tell me who she was. He knew who she was but he did not want to say. He got angry. He pushed me. He pushed me hard enough to make me fall off the bed and hit my head. I was lost for words. I wouldn’t move. He got off the bed and went to turn on the lights. He grabbed onto my arms roughly and in the most aggressive way. He did not touch me with love like he used to before. No. It was a monster. It was not my loving Robert that I knew. The gentle man who would kiss my tears away. This was someone else. And at that moment, I was scared for my life. I was scared that he would pushed me again to the ground. Hurt me. Hit me. He grabbed onto me and I got away from his grip. I went to pack my things because I knew I could not stay any longer. I knew I was not safe. 

When I came out to the living room to get my other things. He got up close to my face. Tried to touch me. Tried to block my way. I told him what he did and that I do not feel safe near him. I told him I would call the police if he did not let me go. He then claimed

1. I hit him first 

2. He pushed me on accident 

3. I touched his things so it gave him the right to hurt me

4. Because I “hit” him all the time, it was right for him to do so. 

4 different excuses and he was unable to stick to one. He knew what happened in that bedroom. But he didn’t want to admit he was wrong. He then twisted the event that happened. He lied. He changed my words. He made excuses. He wanted to play victim like he always does. 

He then got all up into my face and said “Do you really want to know what its like to get hit?” 

He wanted to hit me. He wanted to scared me. But he knew if he did, he will never be able to take it back. He will lose everything. His job, his nursing license. He knew the consequences but he was able to control himself.

But to have someone you love to touch you in that way, to say that to you and to want to hurt you. I still find words to express how I feel. 

The truth is, nobody is going to know the truth about what happened in that bedroom. His friends and family will get the twisted version from him. And my friends will get my version. The truth. Why am I worried about what his friends or family thinks? Why do I care what version they get? Because I am tired of him playing the victim. I am tried of looking like the bad guy in their eyes when I have done nothing wrong. I tried to be the best partner I can be. I’ve done everything for him and I have done my best to move on from the past. But it’s hard to move on when you’ve been played this whole time. When you thought you had find the partner to spend the rest of your life with. When you thought you had found the love of your life and theyre not capability of ever hurting you. Its going to take a long time to repair the relationship. But he was unable to accept the consequences. He was unable to face the backlash for his actions. So he blew up and took it out on me. He wanted to hurt me physically and he finally did it. So I am done. I am never going back and I will never look back. I deserve better then what I got tonight. I will never go back to an abuser. 

[quieteveningsxo]

I believe I am close to making my decision. There are too many things to overlook. Too many things had happen for me to say, yes let’s work this out.

Why continue to fool ourselves when we know the damage has been done. Scars last forever right?

[quieteveningsxo]

Funny how this randomly pops up at 2am in the morning.

Makes you really think when you’re alone and lost in your own thoughts.

[quieteveningsxo]

Another post, another relationship. When I left my last long term relationship, I told myself I would never settle for less again. I will never stay with another cheater. I will never tolerate the behavior and I will never try to work out a relationship with a cheater. But it seems like I’ve taken steps backward and found myself in the same situation again. Is this worst then the last relationship? You could say that. Am I once again trying to make a broken relationship work? yes. Am I idiotic for doing so? yes. How much more can I handle? Not much more. Do I want the pain to stop? Yes. Do I love him? Yes. Can I walk away? its so hard to do so. Have I tried? Yes. Have he changed and learned his lesson? Not really. If I was giving advice to a friend in the same situation, I would tell her that she deserves so much better and love doesn’t have to be this painful. It shouldnt have to be. Because if it is, its not the love that is worth fighting for. We always believe things will work out, things will change and we will learn to grow and learn from it. But why am I always in the same spot feeling so helpless, broken and very sad to learn the person you’ve given your heart has crushed it into a million pieces with broken promises? As I am sitting here, I’m just trying to find a sign that things will get better and that life will not always be this painful.