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1 yr redraw

old one to compare :3

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I saw the FNAF movie and didn't like it very much

I'm trying to put this old blog to use by putting down my thoughts on various media. Usually I would just send this to discord servers of my friends but now it's the universe's problem.

Of course, since now is the time that I've finally built the resolve to do this, the first thing I have to talk about is the Five Nights at Freddy's movie. Let me tell you, this was not what I expected to be talking about in 2023, but here we are.

To establish my credentials a little, I've been following the series basically since its inception, through lore/easter-egg hunting videos, as many youtube playthroughs as I could get my hands on, and of course, Matthew Patrick. By the time Pizzeria Simulator (that's FNAF 6 for those uninitiated) rolled around, I was thoroughly impressed by the overall quality of storytelling of the series, and was glad to see it reach a natural conclusion. I chose to ignore the existence of the books, spin-offs, remakes, and further sequels from Steel Wool; I had taken all I wanted from the series, and was ready to move on.

Imagine my surprise when the long-rumored movie, which I was almost sure had been canned in around 2018, was finally given a release date for 2023, 9 years after the series' debut and 6 years after I had moved on from my engagement with it. Given its rough production history (and "rough" feels like an understatement), I was only cautiously optimistic. Sure, this was a series I had at one point enjoyed, and which I thought had a genuinely compelling story to tell, but a movie this far past the expiration date for its hype seemed strange, especially as the franchise moved into new territory with Steel Wool's Security Breach.

Then, of course, the trailers. Listen, I love practical effects any day of the week, and the team's commitment to bringing the iconic animatronics to life was admirable. But, let's just say that the games spent so much effort hiding these things from you for a reason.

And, I think that's where we should start discussion of the film itself, so spoilers ahead: what does it bring to the table? After 9 years of sitting with the imagery and storytelling of FNAF, what has this movie decided to add, to embellish, to show in new lights, or to show in more gruesome, vivid detail than ever before? What does its expensive, high quality production bring to the table that the shoestring-budget games were never able to?

The answer is: basically nothing. The animatronics are just as stiff and lifeless as their jpegs in the games, the location is rendered beautifully but provides only what we already knew was there, and the acting is about on par with Scott Cawthon's own performances as the phone guy.

So, its essentially like playing that classic game all over again. What's the problem, then? The problem is that the games had their excuses: their budget, the one-man development team, and the limitations of their engine, things which the movie should've been able to avoid. But even more so than that, the games had other things to fall back on: atmosphere, effective tension-building, deep and engaging mysteries, and the innate heightening of fear that comes from being put into the situation yourself as a player. In each of these departments, the things which truly put FNAF on the map, the movie fails completely.

Now, some may complain about my wording here. "The animatronics are supposed to be a little goofy! They're not always supposed to be scary, otherwise they wouldn't really be good children's mascots!" And to that, fair point. There are moments in this film which truly highlight this aspect of the animatronic characters, where I actually bought into the idea that these were fun, engaging children's entertainers, and this is something the games never truly established. However, its when the movie flips that switch, when it tries to move into the actual horror, that it falls apart.

Like I mentioned, the practical props, as beautifully crafted as they are, simply are not filmed properly. Nothing in this movie even tries to turn the goofy cartoon character robots into something more sinister visually; no tricks of lighting or camera placement ever effectively communicate the horror of these massive death machines, and the cardboard acting of our main protagonist certainly doesn't help. When moving onscreen, they operate exclusively at a snail's pace; it's difficult to imagine them chasing a security guard down, let alone killing them once they caught up. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have to imagine it; the movie shows a character moving at speed exactly once, and through so many flickering lights it's impossible to tell what exactly is happening. This is a pretty consistent aspect of the film: deaths happen, but never onscreen, and the more gruesome and spine-tingling elements of the narrative like unsolved murders, a serial killer on the loose, mutilated corpses, the actual crushing power of these giant animatronics, and even what they do with their victims, are merely alluded to. The phone call audio and "game over" screen from the first game does more to establish the actual threat of Freddy and the gang than any moment of this entire film, and these characters take up a substantial portion of the screen time. There were moments watching the characters "walk" menacingly across the screen where I swear it looked like oversized toys being moved up and down by a toddler's hand offscreen. And, the only attempt to make the robots appear more "evil" by *checks notes* giving them "angry eyebrows" falls completely flat.

The one success this movie manages (again, spoilers,) is Matthew Lillard as the main antagonist. By far the most competent performance, and the actual scariest costuming and character acting in the film (which unfortunately isn't saying much), the movie of course relegates him to about 4 minutes of total screen time, and only at the very beginning and very end of the film. For a shockingly long portion of the runtime, the writing fails to clearly establish the existence of a serial murderer to be afraid of, only for one character to exposit his misdeeds and terrible power to our hero about 10 minutes before he gets his comeuppance. And that moment is well executed; that is, if you already know the story of Five Nights at Freddy's, because the movie certainly doesn't have time to build him up for his knock-down. While it makes sense to focus more on the threat posed by the animatronics in your movie about murderous animatronics, it feels almost like a waste to include Lillard's character at all, only for him to reveal his evil plans (which appear to boil down to "I like killing people" unless again, you already have the context of the game series) before dying in the same scene.

To put it all as simply as I can: this movie is exactly what you are afraid it is: a mess created by talented people with good intentions, but a mess nonetheless, hung by its own overambition and commitment to an aesthetic that just isn't scary. To be honest, it isn't even the kind of mess worth studying; it's failures are obvious and the lessons it teaches are trivial. I walked away from the theater feeling disappointment, and not much else, which is the worst kind of condemnation I can provide.

If you are a fan of this franchise, or you yourself enjoy this film, all the more power to you. I only ask that you remember that things can be better. And if you are planning to see this film; don't. Just redownload the game, it's less than half a gigabyte.

Thanks for reading this far; feel free to let me know your own thoughts if you've got any. I'll try to explain anything I haven't already.

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Love a good mask, this is a good mask.

With iron and rivets they thought they could bind his evil, keep his madness inside... they were wrong

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Star fairy

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:) good vibes

Ghost of the theater

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Bloodborne is a nightmare to play if you're bisexual btw the characters say shit like "the sweet blood, oh, it sings to me" and "only an honest death will cure you now" and then you're not supposed to let them kill you like?????

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I think I’ve decided on the cool grey skin! but the outfit colors are still likely to change. I just really like the saturation and value contrast the grey skin has with her clothes.

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Fairy ring mushroom (apparently its a tumblr rumor that they grow around corpses, but…)

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Dumb idea: An ad that reads “10 Things Doctors DON’T Want You To Know!” but clicking it links to a list of keter-class cognitohazards.

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Wait, orcas murder things by yeeting them up into the air? What part of that kills them?

the part where a 6-ton animal cannonballs into them at 30 mph and reduces all of their internal organs to a fine paté

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yeag

You’re telling me a man chained these saws

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yesyesyesyesyes my favorite kind of guy, Vague and Ominous

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Avatar 2 if it was good

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have i introduced you guys to sixteen yet...

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Fog by face zero

This artist on Instagram

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Some sketches of some troublemakers >:p

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Everything about this is perfect. The silhouette is so goddamn cool.