queserasera2001

[queserasera2001]

Thought for today

you are more expansive than you know! your body, the things it can do, the pleasure it can feel, is immense. you are expansive. the types of people you can love, the types of love you can feel for them, are exponential. You are more complex and varied than you realize; you don’t know yourself as well as you think. 

[queserasera2001]

My femininity

Soft shoulders kissed with warmth

Bare and unafraid and looking at the sun

A fresh, naked face whose skin glows

With a balanced and flourishing biome

A calm peace and grounding that slows

Your movements by drenching you in syrup

Attention directed to objects of specificity

Tapestries, colors, words, songs, features

The feminine weaver making creating connecting

A handwritten poem on thick paper

Ribbon and wax and sparkly pens

A sunrise scream over the pine valley

My womb aches

My tits and hips and skin are howling for womanhood

One day maybe

I’ll be brave enough to snip the marionette strings

Restricting my desire

And be free enough

To point my nipples

And open my pussy

To the sun

And not feel like I am dying

[queserasera2001]

Astrophil and Stella 47

What, have I thus betrayed my liberty? Can those black beams such burning marks engrave In my free side? or am I born a slave, Whose neck becomes such yoke of tyranny? Or want I sense to feel my misery? Or sprite, disdain of such disdain to have? Who for long faith, though daily help I crave, May get no alms but scorn of beggary. Virtue, awake! Beauty but beauty is; I may, I must, I can, I will, I do Leave following that which it is gain to miss. Let her go. Soft, but here she comes. Go to, Unkind, I love you not! O me, that eye Doth make my heart give to my tongue the lie!

Sir Phillip Sidney

[queserasera2001]

Fidelity

never loved nobody fully Always one foot on the ground And by protecting my heart truly I got lost In the sounds

I hear in my mind All of these voices I hear in my mind All of these words I hear in my mind All of this music And it breaks my heart

Suppose I never, ever met you Suppose we never fell in love Suppose I never ever let you Kiss me so sweet And so  s o f t 

[queserasera2001]

What I’ve been thinking about lately

It’s really, truly difficult to live with my mother and little sister. I am continuously discovering ways in which existing and growing in their presence, both past and present, is literally traumatizing in some regards. They both have this magnetism, this innate sexual and feminine energy that makes it so that they never even have to try to get attention from the opposite sex... I live day in and day out next to them while they effortlessly exude the exact force and energy I lack, desire for myself. Why was I just born without this? Why don’t I get to be innately feminine? Magnetizing? Charming? Desirable? The grief truly feels insurmountable. 

I am trying so so so so hard to get back to the place where I used to be as a child, where no-one was better than anyone else. Where everyone was truly and equally human, not equally gifted at the same things of course, but everything had an innate balance to it. I still FEEL this when I try to tap into it.... I see it, sense the universe, the scales. But I am becoming more and more excruciatingly aware of how this society of measurement, validation, degradation, and idolization has soaked into my bones. Then I go to see the 1975 and personally witness with my own spirit, gut, and eyes the FUCKING MAGIC that a human (Matty Healy) can possess. The confidence; charm; sparkle; glow; magnetism; power; whatever you want to call it. Even his hair glowed and smiled; he -was- sex. I am still trying to figure out how much of this, of the him that I felt, was real, and how much was a projection. I KNOW that he is a human, that it was not HIM but the performance that felt bigger than life. My thoughts begin to ask the question, how can I manage to feel proud of or empowered by my existence, my body, my energy, myself when I know now that - this - level of magic exists within some people? Who do I think I am to be worthy of desiring him? 

I am so so so immaturely stuck in a hierarchal system of some people being better than others. Im trying. This is me trying. 

I recently realized that I, as woman and as a human living at this time, place so much fear and value on “being considered attractive” because in my body IT IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH. It is that fucking serious in my body, down to my bones. I feel like my actual wellbeing, chances of fulfillment, happiness, companionship, marriage, and children - everything - depends on my attractiveness. And it’s fucking terrifying. I don't know the way out; my body still believes this. But I intellectually know its not true at least - its all I can do for now. 

[queserasera2001]

Bleachers

“Till I saw your face and hands 

Coloured in sun and then

I think I understand

You steal the air out of my lungs you make me feel it 

I pray for everything I’ve lost, buy back the secrets

Your hand forever’s all I want 

Don’t take the money

Don’t take the money”

[queserasera2001]

Rain dance

Blessing the rain and blessing the pain 

Liberation!!!!!!!

[queserasera2001]

Some things I like

Sharpening pencils. Coffee. Huge, fuzzy blankets. My puppy’s soft tummy and ears. Writing on paper, by hand. Wrapping gifts. Spooning. Saying simple things in the most beautiful way possible. The French language. Chicken nuggets, chocolate milk, chili, pasta, tiramisu, and Trader Joe’s coffee bean blast ice cream. Flushed out, ethereal, epic music. Seasons, tradition, and holiday. Coats and dressing in layers. Expensive, heavy shoes. That moment when a lyric feels like it was written to and for you alone. Nice man butts (so underrated). Staring at the nape of the neck of hot strangers. Rewatching / rereading movies, shows, and books. My mama’s skin. Fresh sheets against just shaven legs. Falling asleep with wet hair and shaved legs, right after taking a shower. New York; both the dream, and the reality. Baking. A good pen. Cleaning and organizing my room. Silence with Autumn at 6:00am in Pine Valley. Kissing my dede’s cheeks. Driving at night. Weird nicknames and secret languages. Abstract philosophical conversations. Strange, dynamic faces that take your breath away. Curly boy hair that moves and changes like a living creature. Thinking about my future children, and my mama as a grandmother. Art history. Random celebrity trivia. Anything miniature. Airports. Babies (!). Old homes and old things. Tapestries. Teeny, tiny paintbrushes. Any art supplies.

[queserasera2001]

Nov 27

Being alive today felt like a form of torture. In whatever capacity I can, I am trying to be compassionate to myself. I'm obsessing and hyper-fixating on my self-hatred and a belief that no one I want could ever want me. I'm using my phone to try to feel pleasure and find any semblance of connection that I can scrounge. I'm trying to acknowledge that yes, this is hard. Being 21 and being me and being this repressed and wanting so much, all the time, is hard. Fake, wonderful celebrities are the only sources of romantic energy I have in my life. I want reality; I want real, I want messy, I want close. But I am lonely and unvalidated, alone and sad, stunted and untouched. Desperate and fucking terrified at the same time. This feels insurmountable. Today, it felt like I almost couldn't live through this. 

I need to start educating myself in connecting to my femininity. I think it's pretty high on the list. I need to find a way to be able to walk through the world with the confidence to take up space, parler with others, stand strong within positive and negative energy exchanges.

YOU ARE MAKING THIS HARDER ON YOURSELF. Hyper-fixating on external persons, external content, is simply FURTHER disconnecting you from yourself. What already have what you are looking for. The answers are HERE. THE ANSWERS ARE H E R E. In you, in now.

You are going to take a breath, take a break from the screen, the phone. Give yourself a chance to recalibrate, reevaluate and expand. You need to care about yourself enough to give yourself a chance. Your brain space and time are valuable, you need to RECLAIM the space within you that has been given to fake, inconsequential forces.

YOU KNOW that the Creator loves you. wants the best for you. he has given you everything you need and wants you to live in freedom and joy. FREEDOM AND JOY.

[queserasera2001]

Trying to learn

being ATTRACTIVE is not my job

being PRETTY is not my job

being DESIRABLE is not my job

having a GOOD BODY is not my job

there are an infinity of more important, valuable, and meaningful things than being beautiful. 

[queserasera2001]

GOOD THINGS

I have a connection to the Creator. I feel them, they are connected to my gut mind and spirit. 

I live on a beautiful earth with an infinity of things to discover. 

I’m smart and am able to intellectually grabble with the battle that is existence

I have a mama and 2 sisters that know me. K N O W me. 

I’m healthy and have lots of years ahead of me. 

I’m mobile and free. 

I’m not bound by financial debt. 

I have a good base, gut, sacral. 

I’m not a hopeless case. 

[queserasera2001]

Tomorrow I'm 21

“And I’m still not sure if fear is a rival or a close relative to truth” 

I’m kinda reverting a little, in terms of my self esteem. I feel like in the last two years I’ve had a decent amount of body neutrality, but I have not felt neutral lately. I feel puffy and broken out, with ugly hair and bumpy legs. I feel like I'm actively un-learning; but maybe this IS learning, and before was just not feeling or ignoring the issue. I don't know. But I do know that I need to start TRYING to like myself. Because I am all I have been given; and I am with myself for the rest  of my life. I am aware that I am sabotaging myself in the form of extreme self protection; If I learn to like myself a little more, maybe someone will like me. I wish I could just google search; am I attractive? what do I ACTUALLY look like? Do I look like I do in the mirror, or do I look how I look like in photos? Cause I sure as hell have no fucking idea. 

I think I have a raging ego problem, as in self centeredness. I think about external attractiveness way, way, WAY too much. Mostly in terms of myself, but also others. I am so cerebral, so why am I so concerned with the physical? Why can't I just be grateful to have a body that allows me feel my mama’s skin, go in the ocean, wake up early and see the sunrise? WHY do I have to be UNIQUE/INDIVIDUAL/SPECIAL in order to be VALUABLE? 

I hold the concept of being “chosen” on a pedestal because no one has ever chosen me. But that's fucking bullshit. If I wait to be pursued, I’ll have nothing. If I don’t find a way to get past this, I’ll have nothing. 

I know I’m young, but not that young. I’m old enough to feel like an outcast, to feel innately rejected, for this to SUCK. so bad. Tomorrow means nothing. 21 means nothing. 

[queserasera2001]

My little sisters long distance “boyfriend” is staying with us for a week. And this is going to be a hard week. Not in the terms of awkwardness or him being horrible; he’s adorable and lovely as far I can tell. But because I’m getting triggered and sad, and it’s only been 4 hours out of 7+ days. I’m writing it down so I feel like I have control over it. Cause I HAVE CONTROL. And I can decide to detach myself and make MY life better. I’m not at the whim of others.

My sister is making me more and more insecure with each passing day. I haven’t been doing great in terms of confidence or self image recently; when I look in the mirror, I believe I’ve never been uglier. fatter. broken out. puffy. pale. And she’s never been more pretty. skinny. cool. older looking. She wears my clothes and looks exponentially better in them. She’s been demanding and receiving attention from everyone around her recently, wrapping them around her finger and playing them to her whims and issues without showing any regard for the effect she has on others. Im FUCKING 20 years old and she’s 14. She’s smoked weed. kissed boys. now, had a boyfriend. She’s pretty and desired and rebellious and normal. And I pathetically and humiliatingly live my life alongside her as a 20 year old fat ugly unlovable recluse.

This is too long of an issue to write about though. I just need to let out a little steam, release a slight amount of pressure, just enough to highlight what I AM and AM NOT going to do for the next 7 days.

-I am not going to get mean and snappy in a “funny way,” tearing her down out of a super weird and pathetic insecurity

-I am not going to stoop down to a low level

-I am not going to let my week be controlled by her or her visitor

-I am going to remain the lighthearted, upper-handed, wise 20 year old sister that is ABOVE her knowledge and maturity level

-I am going to *DETACH* from caring about what she does, what he does, how she acts, how he acts; IT IS NOT MY JOB. YOU ARE HER SISTER NOT MOTHER. and also, you can choose not to let her attach to your self-worth.

Calm your breathing. Detach. Relax. Nothing means as much as you think. You can control over yourself. You have the upper hand. Watch from afar, disconnected like a queen on a throne. But also be kind and warm and engaged.

[queserasera2001]

Now

We sit on the floor in your mother’s living room 

your legs lankily, beautifully stretch across the room 

you make fun of your roommate for having no friends, being clingy 

you roll your eyes at my favorite band 

I’m excited to see a broadway show - you say it’s a red flag

You are living your life, having a present moment, saying what’s natural

I’m somewhere else, my consciousness is 10 feet above

Watching you, and me, trying to peg what image, version of me you see

I self-consciously glue together clues trying to fragment your perception

Am I boring? Lame? Weird? Desperate? 

I search for my worst fears in your words

I don't even have a crush on you, but on your potential

Your words, our back and forth, doesn't even make me feel good

I don't feel comfortable, interested, amused, curious, appreciated, charmed

I dont feel anything and that disappoints me

Question of the day: WHY DO I CARE WHAT YOU THINK

When I bring you down to the level of importance and influence you actually have over my life, you have EXTREMELY little impact on me

So who allowed this fake version of you to take up this time in my head? 

What did you do to deserve this energy? For me to place my self image in your hands? 

You did nothing but be attractive. You did not interest me, amuse me, make me laugh, connect to me, demonstrate character or vulnerability or intelligence.

The input this “fake” image of you has in my head does not match the value our  three interactions has inputted into my life

I’m trying to convince myself that I deserve to expect things from people, that they have to deserve to be let past my boundaries 

I feel intruded on. Like a vandal I did not permit broke into my mind

I feel like playing a game. Seeing if I can get into your head. 

You're confident and think you are cooler than most

I interpret it as a quiet calling to see if I can prove myself, pass your test

But again this is me caring so much more than you do. 

I AM DECLARING that this is what matters to me: 

-you can match, appreciate my deepness

-you are honorable and loyal

-you LOVE JESUS 

-you are conducive with my sensitivities with drugs and alcohol, separated from party culture

-I will do as much self-work as I can on my self-esteem, but I need you to lift me up and not bring me down. 

This is what I know R: I don’t feel anything when we interact, am not engaged when we speak. We are not in the same stages of life right now; I would probably bore you and you would probably wound my sensitivities. I’m deep, and I don’t think you can hold that right now. That’s okay. I know VERY, VERY little about who you are, and VISA VERSA. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME. WHATEVER NOTIONS YOU HAVE ABOUT ME ARE MOST LIKELY NOT TRUE. YOU HAVE NOT EARNED MY AFFECTION, INTENTION, RUMINATION, OR ACCESS TO MY VALUE. YOU HAVE NOT EARNED TO SEE ME. and nor I you, in any way or form.  

AND. 

THATS. 

okay. 

[queserasera2001]

If you wanna roll me

Then you gotta roll me all night long

And if you wanna use me

Then you gotta use me ‘til I’m gone

If you wanna know me

Then you gotta know me through and through

And if you’re gunna hurt me

Then you gotta hold me next to you

I’m running for the LAST TRAIN HOME

-John Mayer

[queserasera2001]

Why him?

I asked God the reason why 

The meaning behind the creation of this tie 

It still kind of feels cruel, intentionally aimed 

like a masochistic puppeteer made this game 

Why him? Why now? Why me?

Why that face, that body, that life, that name that fits me like a key? 

The questions persist, the pain remains

But falling asleep, I discovered one thing on which I can stake claim

This is a reinforcement of the need to stay authentic 

Challenge my instincts to bend to his majestic 

The questions of who does he like? Who does he want? Who does he need? 

Have no place in a world where I am fulfilled, worthy, and freed

I’m going to try to take the warning, the demonstration

of how hard it is to not want to change yourself in the face of male beauty’s persuasion 

[queserasera2001]

L’été 2021

What do I want to do with the space allotted in these text 4 months? June. July. August. September. What to do, what to do. 

I want to make small, achievable changes that I can implement into habits. Things I can actually weave into my daily life. The biggest one is exercise. So, so important. I think to start I want to hike Cowles mountain once a week, and start every morning with a stretch video for at least a month. My grounding morning habits; wake up same time, wash face + brush teeth and hair, stretch, coffee. 

I want to bake more this summer. I want to make a list of things to try by the end of the summer. 

I want to help mama garden! and get sun whenever possible. I want get tan and lighten my hair :) 

Read when I want and not feel a ton of obligation. Just rest in contentment. You are getting OUT OF YOUR HEAD and INTO YOUR BODY, it’s meaning, it’s existence, it’s sensations. 

Lay at beach more. Actually take advantage of your location and walking. 

Two more practical must do’s; get off Pristiq and do sitter wise when you can. Start being more conscious of money. please, Ella. 

Get another tattoo :0 

Challenge your thoughts and patterns about romance, sex, boys, relationships. Take the summer 100% off of romance books and movies, drama tv shows. and challenge yourself when you get in pits. This is a pattern that has no benefits and only detriments. It is reinforcing insecurity, unrealistic expectations,  anxiety, and depression. Your body’s baseline is anxiety; when it doesn't have school, it’s going to find anxiety in another source. Be conscious of this.