qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - White House Leaks

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about the leaks coming out of the White House. They wrote on February 3rd.

PETE: For those who aren’t totally up to date on what we’ll be discussing, here’s a quick primer that I think is an unbiased description of what’s going on. Career employees and non-partisan civil servants in various parts of the government, including the White House have been leaking information to the press that describes behind the scenes actions of Trump and his advisers. Here’s a not unbiased description of why they’re doing it: THEY’RE AFRAID A MANIAC HAS BEEN ELECTED AND THE MANIAC HIRED A DEMON AS HIS CHIEF STRATEGIST AND TOGETHER THEY’RE GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD!!!

DEB: When are Aaron Eckhart and Gerard Butler going step in and save us all? I’m just trying to be the voice of reason here. How many Deep Throats are there now?  I guess we’ll have to come up with a bunch of cool code names for each one. How about, “Scampi”? No – too close to Shrimp Scampi. What about “The Faucet” – you know, on account of the leak? What about, “The Bean Spiller”? No – that sounds too much like Ben Stiller, who I’m not ruling out as an informer. I can’t wait to see All The President’s Men 2, but living through it isn’t as much fun as seeing the movie in a few years.

PETE: I don’t think any of those nicknames are too silly. “Deep Throat” was a porn reference after all. I love the idea of seeing All The President’s Men 2 and Sam Waterston (arguably the new Hal Holbrook) stepping out of the shadows of a parking garage and Andrew Garfield playing an intrepid reporter says, “Thanks for meeting me here, Scampi.” That would make me very happy. I wonder who these people are who are doing the leaking. I hope there’s a White House operator who sits at a switchboard and pulls out and plugs in wires and listens to every phone call. And it’s Lily Tomlin.

DEB: Thank God. Wait a minute, in the movie, does Dabney Coleman play Trump and we have a whole “9 to 5 Two” situation on our hands? OK- now I’m interested. Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda may be into this! I know I am!

PETE: Well I bet Trump would love to be into Dolly Parton! Hi-yo! You know, cause he’s a perv. If these leaks are coming from civil servants and other staff those people are very brave. They could lose their jobs after all. But what if they’re coming from Jared Kushner? To try and discredit and fuck with Bannon? Or from Bannon or get Trump to crack down even more on White House staff and purge everyone who doesn’t take a loyalty blood oath? Or from Trump himself because he’s trying to… I don’t know what the hell he’d be trying to do but I do know he cray!

DEB: Oh what a tangled web we weave. I’m just glad people are standing up in whatever way they can. I feel so bad about the way Trump spoke to the Australian Prime Minister. I’m embarrassed and feel like we should send him some “make up” roses and a thoughtful note with baby kangaroos on it saying, “Dearest Mate, please forgive the harsh words the other day. We meant to say, ‘You were the best call of the day!’ And by the way, thank you for taking care of all those refugees for so long (sorry they were called illegal immigrants in prisons – oops! That was not nice). Please forgive us, we hope we can be friends again; we need all we can get! Big hugs, The American people. PS – please don’t tell the President we sent this. He doesn’t like it when we disagree with him.”

PETE: First of all, that’s the longest message on any greeting card in history. It’d be 15 pages long, like a Cheesecake Factory menu. Second of all, I kind of love the idea that Trump was so happy with his travel ban executive order and felt all powerful about keeping dangerous refugee women and children out of the country and then someone told him “Um… by the way, we already signed up to take all these other refugees” and he flipped his lid. Then he got all pissy and took it out on the Prime Minister. So to recap, a 70 year old man, when told he had to be nice to innocent people, reacted the way our 7 year old son does when we tell him he has to do his homework before he can watch TV.

DEB: I think we are in for four years of him acting out in weird ways at weird times at anyone. There, now don’t you feel better? Oh my Trump Stomach!

PETE: That’s it! You stumbled upon the true conflict of interest of the Trump presidency. It isn’t all the money he’s going to earn from foreign governments or that he’s in cahoots with Putin. He bought a majority stake in Pepto Bismol and is raking in billions of dollars from liberals trying to control their Trump-related upset stomachs! It’s Peptogate!

DEB: I knew we’d get to the bottom of it! This is totally random but while I was watching Sean Spicer the other day getting so defensive at a Press Conference, I had a strange thought. I believe the current Press Briefing room is built over an old swimming pool that was installed by FDR. I’m sure there is no water in it now, but I just had this image of a briefing happening and Spicer getting so frustrated with reporters that he pushes a button and the floor slowly moves aside and all the reporters fall into the freshly filled pool. Kind of like that scene in “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Except the movie we are living in is called “Oh, It’s Worse Than I Thought.”

PETE: It’s the feel bad movie of the year! That also just made me think of an even more bizarre possibility about these leaks. It’s Sean Spicer. The press secretary who is so upset with the bullshit he has to shovel to the press that in order to keep his own sanity he leaks the real truth out on the DL. Because while on one hand he looks like he enjoys yelling at and bullying the press I also feel like there’s a world in which he leaves every press briefing dazed and shaking, then walks back to the oval office where Trump is waiting and he makes Spicer get down on all fours, shoves a ball gag in his mouth then pokes him in the eye with a sharpened stick he’s dipped in tobacco sauce and screams “Meaner, Sean!!! Be Meaner!!!” at him until Spicer breaks down crying and pees his pants. Then Trump says, “I’m sorry we quarreled” like Patrick Bergin in “Sleeping With The Enemy” and they go out for ice cream.

DEB: OK, this is so weird you referenced that movie because I almost put, “I’m sorry we quarreled” in the “forgive me” note to Australia but I thought it was too dark. Apparently not.

PETE: No. Nothing is off limits or unrealistic. Honestly, I think that’s why these career government people are freaking out. They just haven’t seen anything like this before. And I know that Trump supporters would say “Exactly! He’s a disrupter and he’s going to shake up Washington.” Well what if when it comes to shaking, Washington is less like a freshly squeezed juice and more like a baby. The less the better.

DEB: Disruption for the sake of disruption. When the rest of the world is already in a state of disruption people look to America as a steady hand they can reach out to. Or they used to. Now if you do that you might get your hand slapped.

PETE: Or worse! Someone might hang up the phone on you. Yeah, I’m not sure what the end game is. Piss off our enemies and our allies, break treaties, withhold money from international organizations and miraculously get everyone to respect you? Maybe our time as an empire is just on the wane. People get sick of the responsibility of running shit and being the preeminent power in the world. I mean, the Dutch, the Spanish and the English all used to be the World Cop and now they’re just lucky to be in the World Cup. WHOO! I DID IT! PUN OF THE CENTURY! WHO SAYS AMERICA’S BEST DAYS ARE BEHIND US?! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

DEB: I love this country but that chanting really gets on my nerves.

THE FLOOR BENEATH DEB’S FEET BEGINS TO MOVE.

PETE: Um, Deb? Remember when I asked you if our apartment was built on top of an old swimming pool and you said “No”?

DEB: Yes.

PETE: And remember when I asked you if our apartment was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground?

DEB: Yes.

PETE: Did I ever ask you if our apartment was built on top of an ancient Indian burial swimming pool?

THE FLOOR MOVES ASIDE TO REVEAL A SWIMMING POOL. DEB FALLS IN.

DEB: Well at least I’m wearing a swimsuit today.

PETE: Is this a metaphor for the sinking of our democracy or the leaks coming out of the White House? Or neither of those things?

DEB: Don’t ask me, it’s 20 degrees outside and I’m wearing a swimsuit. I gotta do laundry at some point.

PETE: You do have to do laundry. Wait a second… Oh no. “Laundry” is Steve Bannon’s secret service code name!!!! We’re doomed.

PETE JUMPS INTO THE SWIMMING POOL PLANNING TO DROWN HIMSELF BUT IT’S ONLY 3 FEET DEEP.

PETE: OUCH! I broke my foot on the bottom of the pool. Did they get rid of Obamacare yet?

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Trump’s First Week

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about President Trump’s first week in office. They wrote on January 26th.

PETE: So it was a pretty uneventful first week. If you don’t count the controversy over crowd size, accusations of massive voter fraud, a GIANT protest march, executive orders undoing Obamacare, reinstating black sites and bringing back waterboarding, gag orders on federal agencies dealing with global warming, re-starting the Dakota and Keystone pipelines, proposing immigration bans from certain countries and giving Mexico the middle finger I’d say not much happened.

DEB: OH MY INDIGESTION! I didn’t mean to capitalize that but I think I will leave it. I have started taking a probiotic to help me with a condition I have called Trump Stomach. I got enough to last four years. Hopefully I won’t have to re-up. I think the inaugural speech was so insulting to the country and to the past Presidents who came to support the idea of the peaceful transfer of power. I wept as the gracious and elegant Obamas boarded that helicopter to leave the office. I’ve had a cold ever since that I can’t shake. But I have to say I was very encouraged by the attendance at all the marches. That is heartening don’t you think? By the way I’m sorry I gave you my cold.

PETE: Yeah, what the hell? Was that the message of the women’s march? That it’s OK to give your husband a cold? Not cool. I too was heartened by the turnout and enthusiasm, especially from little towns in the middle of Alabama or people who marched in freezing weather in Alaska. I was disheartened by stupid news reports that made fun of marchers or framed their coverage as, “What do these crazy women want, anyway? What the hell is going on here?” as if they were some unwashed mass of human garbage that was mysteriously swept onto The Mall by a gust of wind. I feel like there will be a real return to protest in the next four years and if he doesn’t do right by enough people the marches will only grow. I don’t want to root against him, I truly don’t, but it seems like the path he’s choosing is going to alienate more and more people as he goes.

DEB: It’s true. I think the fantasy that he would somehow change into a completely different person once he took the oath of office is over. He is who he is. I think there will be more and more protests as time goes on. There seems to be a realization that Democracy is fragile and so are your rights and you still have to fight for them or they could be taken away. By the way, don’t be surprised when people say negative things about a group of women getting together. Some people find it very unnerving because it threatens to upset the role of power in our society. To all those people I say, “Don’t worry bout a thing sweetie, we’re just having a Tupperware party! You know how important it is for we homemakers to organize! I mean to be organized. No, I mean to organize.”

PETE: Just reading that last part sent chills up my spine. All those women in one place… talking about God knows what… Someone told me that “Tupperware” is an anagram of  “Topple The Patriarchy”. That’s true, right? I don’t want you going out of the house today. Or reading the newspaper. Or watching TV. Or talking to the cat. Or the dog. Or the appliances. Just sit in the corner and darn my socks.

DEB: At least the appliances are non political. All they want to talk about is Tesla and Edison. Umbierto is very concerned about the building of the Wall because he thinks he is from Mexico and the dog Frankie Five Angels thinks he is in protective custody until he testifies against the Mafia. I’ve got my hands full around here! PS .- throw out all your socks and underwear that have holes in them!

PETE: We should explain that we named our dog, Frankie, after Frank Pentangelis from Godfather 2, who’s nickname was Frankie Five Angels and who was in protective custody until he testified against Michael Corleone. And we should explain that we named our cat Umbierto for no good reason whatsoever. Back to Trump… Or rather, back to my underwear, which I’m apparently supposed to throw away just because it has massive holes in it. Ever heard of “breathability”? Or “exhibitionism”? This is ridiculous. You were never like this before Trump became president. What’s your deal?

DEB: I guess I just really feel empowered as a woman! I finally feel strong enough to say, “Hey- that’s gross! Buy new underwear and socks!” Wow, that felt good. I bet Eleanor Roosevelt had to say that to FDR all the time. I’m going to light a scented candle to celebrate! Then I’m gonna tell those appliances what I think of them!

PETE: I think we’ve gotten a little off track. That’s just what Trump wants. He wants us arguing about socks and underwear while he’s dismantling our liberties and environment and relationships with our neighbors. Don’t you just feel so on edge all the time? Like he could do something crazy at any minute? I honestly wonder what life is like for people who are excited for Trump. What’s it like to not watch the news peeking through your fingers like when you’re watching a scary scene in a horror movie?

DEB: Nobody wants to be wrong. I bet there are some people who are having buyer’s remorse but I’m sure they are not running to reporters to say, “Uh oh – this is bad.” I think his supporters are hoping there will be some job creation at least? I just hope these same people don’t lose their healthcare or fall deeper into financial crisis. I am rooting for these people to feel better about things, I just don’t think Trump is a real cure for what ails them.

PETE: I agree. As far as a Trump voter, or anyone, is hurting, they deserve relief. I know he’s certainly not the cure for what ails me and on some level I’m prepared to put up with disappointment for 4 years and resist what I can’t put up with. I also think it’s interesting that people are using the word “Resistance” so often in reference to standing up to Trump. I recall plenty of people being unhappy with Bush or Obama’s decisions but you didn’t hear the word “Resistance” that much. It makes Trump seem like a ruthless dictator or intergalactic overlord. I mean, the things he does also make him seem like a ruthless dictator or intergalactic overlord so I guess I get why people are using that word

DEB: Well now you’ve gone and made me like the term “intergalactic overlord”.

PETE: Oh great, now when we get invaded by an actual intergalactic overlord you’re gonna roll over. You’re such a sucker for a catchy job title. 9

DEB: Wait until you see the outfit The Intergalactic Overlord gets to wear! It’s kind of a combination between Liberace and Flava Flav. I have this all worked out. I’m gonna be the Kelly Ann Conway to this guy/girl/creature/plant/energy field. You see, it will come to take over the planet when major coastal cities are disappearing into the sea, drought, famine, super storms, war, nuclear winter… you know, all that jazz is happening. He’ll have a press conference where he chastises the humans for being so irresponsible with the planet –

WITH A GREAT CLAP OF THUNDER AND LIGHTING, A DARK FIGURE APPEARS IN A CLOUD OF FOG

A BOOMING VOICE IS HEARD.

BOOMING VOICE: Don’t put words in my mouth!

DEB: Please tell me you are The Intergalactic Overlord.

BOOMING VOICE: Actually I am the Press Secretary for the Intergalactic Overlord.

DEB: I was gonna say, you’re not wearing the right outfit.

BOOMING VOICE: Well, my good dark cloak is at the dry cleaners. I got a bunch of Argonfefutosol sauce on it and can’t get it out. You know how it is

DEB: What’s Argonfefutosol?

BOOMING VOICE: It’s like your Cholula but about twenty times spicier and made out Fefutosol.

DEB: What’s Fefutosol?

BOOMING VOICE: You don’t want to know

PETE: Um, my ears are bleeding from your booming voice, Mr. Press Secretary, can you please boom a little less?

BOOMING VOICE: Oh, you just assume I’m a man? How sexist.

PETE: I’m sorry, it’s just your voice. Mrs. Press Secretary

BOOMING VOICE: I’m not a woman either. I am a genderless Fog Figure.

PETE: Ok. I hope you don’t have to use any public bathrooms while you’re here. We’ve got a whole stupid thing going on with that.

BOOMING VOICE: Too late.

DEB: What does that mean?

BOOMING VOICE: Anyway, I am here to relay the message that you still have time to change Scrooge - I mean humans – sorry, I was just in a production of  “A Christmas Carol” and I’ve got that in stuck in my brain. I received quite a few good notices for my performance. We are currently in rehearsals for “Oklahoma” in which I shall play Ado Annie.

PETE: Yeah, we’re not going to see that. Can you just tell us what you came to tell us?

BOOMING VOICE: Yes, sorry. Our ticket sales have just been abysmal so I’m trying to get anyone to come see it. You still have time to change, humans. You must not despair. You must stand up for what you believe in and not let your world be destroyed by a narcissistic egomaniac. (Whispering) Believe me, I know. My boss, the Intergalactic Overlord is such an intergalactic A-hole.

DEB: Well thanks for the positive encouragement. We’ll take it. I have so many questions about –

BOOMING VOICE: Where to get tickets for Oklahoma?

DEB: No… about the Universe.

BOOMING VOICE: I can only answer questions regarding tickets for the Intergalactic Community Players Productions. Sorry.

PETE: Well then maybe you can just go and we’ll figure things out for ourselves.

BOOMING VOICE: Agreed! You must be independent and brave. Much like Ado Annie who had to…

PETE: Get out of here!

WITH A GREAT CLAP OF THUNDER AND LIGHTING, THE DARK FIGURE DISAPPEARS AND THE FOG CLEARS.

PETE: I guess we’re lucky we’re not ruled by an actual intergalactic overlord. And that Sean Spicer isn’t trying to get everyone to see his play.

DEB: Well, it’s only the first week.

PETE: It’s gonna be a long four years…

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Happy New Year

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about the New Year. They wrote it on January 5th

PETE: Happy New Year, Deb. Did you make any New Year’s resolutions? I did. Mine is to ask people if they made any New Year’s resolutions. Every year I make the same resolution and I always quit by mid January. I’m the worst.

DEB: I actually did not make any resolutions. I am always so down on myself and forever reading self help books and trying to be resolute in being better so I figure I’ll give myself a break for New Years. I’m kinda out of sync with the holidays. At Halloween I’m always struggling for a costume because I feel like I’m always wearing a costume. (Cut to a family member commenting on my outfit, “My you are… certainly creative” – in a tone that is anything but complimentary. Another one of my favorites was, “You are… very brave my dear.” There was nothing “dear” about it.) But Happy New Year anyway. Aren’t you supposed to eat blackeyed peas on New Years Day? We blew that. I wonder if it counts if you listen to the Black Eyed Peas? We didn’t do that either. I think the only thing I did on New Years Day was research where Zika is in the Caribbean. It’s everywhere by the way. Happy New Year!

PETE: We should all give ourselves a break. The New Year should be a time to reflect and think about what you’d like to change but it’s impossible to change big things in your life in a day. January should be a month of transition, where you psych yourself up to make the change. Then February is the “OK, now I’m really going to do this” month. Then March some other shit comes up and April it’s kind of raining and there’s Easter or Passover and Spring Break so by May you finally get down to making the change. That’s more realistic.

DEB: I like your attitude, kid. I’m gonna start giving myself more credit for the little things I do. Here are some examples of things I have done recently I am very proud of.

1)    I changed the filter in the water purification pitcher (That sounds extremely formal!)

2)    I waxed my face!

3)    I went to the Urologist!

4)    I found the doggie surprise! (I’m not going to go into great detail here because of the great respect I have for you, dear reader. Let’s just say I dealt with it accordingly. The surprise not the doggie, now think no more of it.)

5)    I really cleaned the coffee maker. This is not a euphemism. I just really cleaned the coffee maker.

Well, that’s it for now, but there is always next year.

PETE: Impressive list but I changed two light bulbs the other day. I hear CNN is going to nominate me for one of their CNN heroes in 2017. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be better people when we know we will never compete with truly good people? Those CNN heroes are incredible. They’re so selfless and committed to making people’s lives better. They make Mother Theresa look like Vladimir Putin. Also, speaking of Halloween, little known fact, for her last Halloween, Mother Theresa went as Vladimir Putin.

DEB: If only Vladimir would dress up like Mother Theresa we’d be getting somewhere!

Mother Theresa said, “Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” I like that. I can get my mind around that.

PETE: Well if we’re talking about inspiring quotes Vladimir Putin once said, “The arc of history bends towards justice.” No, wait that was Martin Luther King, Jr. Putin said, “If you cross me, I poison your sushi.” Same diff

DEB: Message received. Cancel my Dragon Roll. I wonder if a hundred years from now the term “a great quote” will be replaced by “a great tweet”. Someone once tweeted, “America great again, CIA bad, Putin BFF, Crooked Media, Exxon -Amazing Environmentalist, The Mentalist – best show ever!”

PETE: Well, I thought that was Donald Trump you were referring to but that part about The Mentalist made me think again. Was it Simon Baker, star of The Mentalist? I guess we’ll never know. Damn, I wish I was a mentalist. Then I could read your mind. Or whatever is it that guy does on The Mentalist. What does he do?

DEB: I think he solves crimes using his intuition? I’m not sure. I just always loved the title of that show. It seems so high class. I never watched it because it seemed a bit above my station. You know, at Downton Abbey I’d be more of the scullery maid than the Lady’s Maid. Although on Halloween I did dress as a Lady’s Maid! Maybe my self worth is slowly getting better! America is great again! Next year- a Footman!

PETE: Yeah, how come everyone doesn’t measure their “progress” as a human being by the evolution of their Halloween costume? “I used to dress up every year like a hobo but now I go as the Monopoly Man! I’ve really made it!” Maybe we should be making simple, more achievable resolutions like “This year I’m going to watch The Mentalist.” Or even easier, “This year I’m going to Google The Mentalist and find out what it’s about.” I think we’d be much happier.

DEB: Yes! Aim low. Reach for the stars but assume your arms are going to fall off. Wait – don’t quote me on that. I never was good at coming up with quotable sayings. My Mom had some good ones like if you were complaining she’d say, “Just be thankful you have two arms and two legs!” Or if you were telling a sad story that she didn’t think was so sad she’d say, “Well let me get out the violins!” I simply must try to be more quotable! Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin seemed to have a lot of good quotes like “I like France” and “How can I get myself electrocuted?” I forget who said what.

PETE: Those guys are tough to keep separate. One of them said, “Wow! You’re the best French Prostitute I’ve ever slept with” and one of them said “Wow! You’re the best slave I’ve ever slept with”. I forget who said what. Too bad they didn’t have Twitter back then or we’d have a record of who said and thought what at any given moment. And what they thought of The Mentalist. That’s been on CBS for almost 250 years!

DEB: It’s the only reason the country hasn’t fallen under British rule. Wait – isn’t the Mentalist British?

PETE: Oh my god… He… is? Honestly I have no idea. He’s either British or Australian. Or South African. Or New Zeelandish. Or American.

SUDDENLY SIMON BAKER, THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST, ENTERS

SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST: I’m actually from Australia. I was born in 1969 in Launceton, Tasmania but I grew up in New South Wales. In 1998 I married Australian actress Rebecca Rigg after five years of living together. We have three children. In July 2009 I told PopMatters that I was raised Catholic but I’m now agnostic.

PETE: Oh my god. How do you know all that? Is it your Mentalist powers?

SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST: No. It’s all right there on my Wikipedia page.

PETE: But you used your powers to know all that info would be on there. Amazing…

DEB: Are you the Tasmanian Devil?

SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST: No, that is a carnivorous marsupial of the family Dasyuridae, now found in the wild only on the Australian island state of Tasmania.

PETE: Holy shit. Your powers are incredible.

SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST: Do you not have Wikipedia here or something?

PETE: Hey Simon Baker, the actor who plays the Mentalist, how’s making The Mentalist going?

SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST: Well actually the show ended its run in 2015.

PETE: No way. How did you know that? You must have gotten that off Wikipedia, right?

SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST STARES AT PETE ANGRILY.

DEB: How can it be ended? We never even got to see it?! What kind of mentalist mind game are you playing at Mr. Mentalist, if that is your real name!

SUDDENLY BEN FRANKLIN ENTERS

BEN FRANKLIN: Did someone say French Prostitute?!

PETE: Yeah but like 5 minutes ago. Get out of here, Ben Franklin.

BEN FRANKLIN: Damn. I missed it! (TO SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST) I’m a huge fan.

BEN FRANKLIN LEAVES.

SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST: Anyway… I’m going to leave now. I’ve got to wax my face and go to the urologist.

DEB: Happy New Year!

SIMON BAKER THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE MENTALIST LEAVES

PETE: Damn it! I forgot to ask him if he had made any New Year’s resolutions. I’m the worst…

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Russian Election Hacking

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about the alleged Russian meddling in the 2016 election. They wrote it on December 14th

PETE: I was going to write how awful and shameful it is that the Russians hacked our election but I’m worried that they’re reading this right now so I’ll just say… Long Live Putin! He can take off his shirt, slap a saddle on me and ride me off into the sunset anytime.

DEB: The Bullies have taken over the school and I’m wondering where the faculty is. The drama club, marching band and school newspaper staff are in for a world of hurt. But take heart, high school only lasts for four years then you can go out into the real world where everything is fair and just and… Uh oh.

PETE: Yeah. How long can you hide in your locker before the nerd-sniffing dogs come find you? I can’t tell which is scarier - that Trump knew about/was in cahoots with Russians or that he didn’t know and Russia is super psyched he’s been elected and he DOESN’T CARE. At least in the first scenario he’s an active participant and was smart enough to be that devious. In the second scenario he’s like Chris Klein’s dumb football player character in “Election” that Matthew Broderick tries to get elected just so Tracy Flick can’t win – i.e. he’s an idiot. So to continue your high school analogy, it’s going to be a really hard four years.

DEB: All that aside, I’m hoping you make cheerleader! I keep waiting for things to calm down so I can tell myself, “It’s really not going to be as bad as you think it will be”, and then with the nomination of Tillerson and Rick Perry I think, “Oh no. It actually may be worse.” Tillerson stands to make millions if sanctions are lifted on Russia. If Hillary had nominated this guy, Trump would be calling for her to be put in a stockade in the town square. Not that they have those anymore but maybe he could employ some local carpenters to build some (wow, maybe he is gonna Make America Great Again). And Rick Perry is very business-friendly when it comes to relaxed regulations and safety standards. And when this happens, work places and manufacturing plants become dangerous and people get killed. Remember the fertilizer plant in West, Texas that exploded? But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. This whole administration is going to be very “business” friendly. As for the rest of us, I’m afraid very unfriendly.

PETE: Yeah, it’s like he drained the swamp and then filled up the remaining hole with the board of directors of Swampcorp, America’s leader in swamp-based business solutions. But that’s actually kind of normal Republican stuff. They’re anti-regulation, anti-government and I guess in the case of Rick Perry, pro-explosion. What worries me is the Tillerson-Russia connection. Not only does he stand to make millions off of Russian oil, he won the Order of Friendship from Vladimir Putin. So he has a plaque on his wall in his office (most likely next to a desk made of elephant tusk ivory and a chair made of baby seal skulls) that says “I’m buddies with Putin” and he’s going to get confirmed. I know they used to say “What’s good for General Motors is good for America” but can you say the same thing about Exxon Mobil?

DEB: I grew up in an oil town. And there are a lot of good people who do the physical labor for those companies. There is a big difference between the lifestyle of the roughnecks and the high level folks. My Dad worked for Shell oil in the oil field for a long time. It’s hard, dangerous work and people risk their lives working on those rigs. Oil booms and busts can make or break towns, and I’m sure the same can be said when a manufacturing plant moves out. So I get the saying, and in some sense it is true, but there has to be a defining, moral line that we do not cross when it comes to mixing business with the affairs of state. What kinds of deals are going to be made here? Benefiting who? I hope it is the struggling unemployed but I am afraid the bigwigs are just going to get bigger wigs. And I’m not sure if you are aware of this but in Texas we like big hair on men and women.

PETE: I wish it were that easy to tell who was rich and powerful. Just look for the guy with the biggest wig. And the fattest cat. I totally believe “What’s good for General Motors is good for America”. You could say the same about Exxon Mobil and the roughnecks and oil field workers like your dad – but those people earn money, spend money and work here in America. Or they’re Americans who work abroad. And yes, it’s a fact of life that Exxon Mobil will look out for its own bottom line and even make shady deals with Putin to suck Russian oil out of the Arctic Sea but does their CEO have to be Secretary of State? How are people not losing their shit over this, especially in the wake of reports of Russian election meddling? Whatever happened to good old-fashioned Cold War anti-Russian paranoia?

DEB: Oh, the good old days of the cold war. People stockpiling food and building fallout shelters. Actually, I did see a commercial for a food dehydrator that could preserve food for 25 years, so for whatever reason, there must be an Apocalyptic market out there to sell to. And I did always love that Sting song, “Russians”. I don’t know why people are not making more of a fuss over this. Remember “America First!”?  If the CIA reports to the Commander and Chief that another country hacked into an American election, shouldn’t he at least pretend to be bothered by that and at the very least say he will look into it? I mean I know it’s not as important as spending five years investigating where President Obama was born but it’s gotta be up there! Ugh! Good Grief! It’s all going to hell! I must order-25 year food preserver. Must move underground!!!!!

PETE: Please, Deb, nothing is as important as spending five years looking into where Obama was born. And the sad thing is we may never know exactly where he was born. Both of his parents are dead after all. Do you think that’s a coincidence? One question: Do you think Russia intervened to help Trump specifically because Trump and Putin and Tillerson spend their weekends at Trump’s secret underground golf course in Sochi, standing over a giant map of the world, laughing, drinking sacrificial ram’s blood and pointing out the parts they want to drill for oil or grab by the pussy while some Eyes Wide Shut-style sex party is going on in the next room? Or do you think the reality is not as crazy as I described it and there’s no ram’s blood?

DEB: The first one.

PETE: Me too! See this is why we’re such a good couple.

JUST THEN THE WEBCAM ON THE COMPUTER TURNS ON BY ITSELF

PETE: Huh. That’s weird. The webcam on the computer just turned on by itself. Oh well. In all seriousness, I think the Russians hacked the DNC and released emails just to sow chaos. It didn’t matter who was elected as long as the whole process was called into question. It’s a bonus that Trump won of course but I think they would have been fine with Hillary.

AMERICA IS BAD GUY.

DEB: Who wrote that?

PETE: Not me. It wasn’t you?

DEB: Not me.

DEMOCRACY IS JOKE.

PETE: Very funny, Deb. Oh crap…

HILLARY IS CRAP

PETE: I think we’ve got a Russian hacker.

KNOCK KNOCK.

DEB: Who’s there?

BOO!

DEB: Boo Hoo?

HA! WHY YOU CRYING? CAUSE IT’S LIKE CIVIL WAR 2 ELECTRIC BUGALOO OVER THERE?! HASHTAG: BOO HOO!

PETE: Hashtag Boo Hoo? Jesus, this hacker is annoying.  Hey, man can you leave us alone please?

I AM NOT MAN. I AM 12 YEAR OLD GIRL. NAME IVANA.

PETE: Ivana Who?

IVANA HACK INTO YOUR ELECTION AND RUIN YOUR COUNTRY. HA! I KILLING OVER HERE.

PETE: Shit, I walked right into that one.

THE VOICE OF SEAN CONNERY IS HEARD OVER THE COMPUTER SPEAKER.

SEAN CONNERY: This is Marko Ramius. Captain of the submarine The Red October. I’d like to apologize for the intrusion. I’m afraid the young officer who engaged you has been at sea for too long. I assure you it will not happen again. Please accept my sincere apology on behalf of my ship and country.

PETE: Oh that’s fine. It’s not a hacker. It’s just Sean Connery’s character from “The Hunt For Red October”. Thank you, Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY: Who’s Sean Connery? My name is Captain Marko Ramius of the submarine The Red October.

PETE: Right…

PETE TAKES HIS INDEX FINGER AND TWIRLS IT AROUND HIS EAR INDICATING TO DEB THAT HE THINKS SEAN CONNERY IS CRAZY.

DEB: Okedokee, well it was nice talking to you-

SEAN CONNERY: I was wondering if you knew how to get a hold of a Mr. Jack Ryan.

DEB: Do you want the Alec Baldwin one or the Harrison Ford one?

SEAN CONNERY: Which one handles defections?

DEB: Uhm, well the Harrison Ford one played a President once and Alec Baldwin is currently playing the President Elect. Harrison Ford also played Han Solo but Alec Baldwin was amazing in Glen Gary Glen Ross…

SEAN CONNERY: Who wasn’t? What about Kevin Spacey, he was in Glen Gary and currently plays The President in House of Cards.

DEB: Well they are all good options.

PETE: Do you want to talk to Donald Trump? He’s currently playing the president in real life.

SEAN CONNERY: Donald Trump is president? I no longer want to defect to America. No thank you. Ramius out!

THE WEBCAM TURNS OFF.

DEB: We lost another one. At least we still have Barishnikov. Right?

PETE: Don’t worry, after we get annexed by the newly formed nation of ExxonRussiaMobilTrumpSteaks there’s going to be plenty of Russians around.

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - The Holidays

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about “The Holidays”. They wrote it on December 9th 

PETE: (Singing) It’s the most wonderful time of the year… (Speaking normally) But is it though? The weather starts to get bad, my sinuses go crazy, I feel like I’m getting a cold every morning, every store is more crowded than New Delhi and the government gives us mind control drugs to keep us shopping and calls then “Flu Shots”. So, you know, bah humbug.

DEB: Hey!  Hands off my mind control drugs that keep me shopping – me likey. I’ve been trying to get in the holiday spirit, looking at The Vermont Country Store catalogue a lot and buying Hannukah candles and humidifiers. That last part is for your sinuses so Merry Chrismaquanzihannukah already. It hasn’t even snowed yet. Maybe that’s what is delaying the festive vibe. I did get the dog some cute holiday sweaters so at least I’m on top of something. I’m also trying to lay off the news a little bit but it’s impossible. Probably because I am addicted to it, so there’s that. Anyway – what’s your favorite holiday movie or TV show? And don’t say Bruce Springsteen’s “Very Special Christmas Show” cause I don’t think there was one. I think mine is The Charlie Brown Christmas show.

PETE: My favorite Christmas Special is Morris Goldstein’s “Complaining About The Noise Coming From The Goyishe Neighbors Fakakta Christmas Party”. It’s an hour of a 70 year old Jewish man yelling at his wife about the noise is upstairs neighbors are making. Then at the end he sings “Oh Tannenbaum”. Seriously though I was just thinking that Christmas is the one time of the year that I understand what it’s like to feel like a total outsider in America. Being Jewish we didn’t celebrate Christmas growing up so I have all the cultural references like Charlie Brown Christmas (which really is my favorite) but I don’t have the warm fuzzy Christmas feelings. It’s always been very much of a spectator sport for me.

DEB: Yes, the only sport you don’t gamble on! Okaaaaaaaaay! Just kidding. Although it would be fun to bet on the family gatherings. You could put money down that a certain person says something really offensive in the first hour of the visit. I’ve got $20 on Uncle Albert. You might think “offensive” isn’t specific enough. You could make specific bets. It could be something racist, sexist, xenophobic, or something personal like “Maybe if you lost some weight you’d find a husband.” Or, “Are you ever going back to work?” You know fun stuff like that. Get to know your family well enough and you could really clean up! Wow, now I’m really looking forward to getting together with everyone! God bless us all, everyone!

PETE: Well that’s the thing, isn’t it? “The Holidays” are so loaded and so overhyped that they can never live up to their expectations. Who has ever had the “perfect” Christmas you see on commercials? A family sitting around the table, expertly cooked goose with those little white slippers they put on poultry feet, everyone wearing a festive sweater and even though the patterns and colors are different somehow they all match, all 4 grandparents are healthy and there playing with grandkids, who all those little slippers you put on grandkid feet, even a few in-laws who somehow seem to be getting along with everyone. Then Dad walks in from being away at war for a year (he’s the real gift they’ve all been waiting for) and he takes everyone outside and there’s a Lexus with a bow on it in the driveway. Then Bing Crosby plays, fade to black, go to sleep, don’t wake up til the day after next Thanksgiving.

DEB: I love it when the parents take the kids out to the driveway with the wrapped up new car and the little boy says, “Did Santa bring me a new bike?” And then the Dad says, “I guess Santa thought it would be best for the family if he got this souped up sports car for Daddy!  I must have been very good this year!” No, I think you have been bad. Very, very bad. And you will probably keep being bad. Oh Gosh – please excuse me – I just fell into a big hole of Bah Hum Bug and I can’t get out. I’m gonna have to get one of those Holliday Attitude Life Alert necklaces I can push when I get like this and then the Victorian carol singers can come and sing me out of it!!!!!

PETE: Ahh!!! The idea of a marauding gang of Victorian carolers busting into our apartment like the Kool-Aid man scared the crap out of me. I think it’s OK to be neutral about Christmas but it’s clearly is the only holiday that you kind of get shit for if you’re not into it. People don’t call you a Scrooge if you don’t have Halloween decorations up, they just don’t ring your doorbell and then throw rotten eggs at your house. Maybe July 4th is the other holiday that you kind of have to be into. Yeesh, especially now. I bet next year at July 4th every Muslim family’s house will look like the outside of an American flag store.

DEB: Maybe someone could put out a public service announcement type of commercial that features Tiny Tim (not the singer but the character from A Christmas Carol) surrounded by immigrants saying, “God bless us all, everyone.” And everybody hugs. Maybe The Hallmark Channel could make that happen. Isn’t that a sweet thought? Just a quick question here – in A Christmas Carol, did Tiny Tim’s leg get better? I can’t remember. I’m gonna be positive and say it did. And if he passed away in that story I don’t want to know. I gotta order that Holiday Attitude Life Alert necklace. Stat.

PETE: Yeah at the end he gets a new leg from Santa and they kind of pop the bad leg off and screw the new one on. But then right at the end of the book you find out that they gave him the leg of a notorious murderer. Cliffhanger! In the sequel Tiny Tim goes around London killing people with his leg and Sherlock Holmes has to try to stop him. The original one, not the Cumberbatch one.

DEB: Ok, that sounds right. It’s kind of like what happens at the end of Frosty the Snowman. They play it off all sweet and happy that he melts at the end but he’ll be back next year. I mean, how did he melt? I don’t think he melted of natural causes if you know what I mean. PS - that is a terrible ending to a children’s story. It’s like that song, “Ring around the Rosie, pocket full of Posies – ashes, ashes – we all fall down”. That was about the Black Plague and people use to carry posies with them to cover the smell of death that lingered everywhere… Merry Christmas.

PETE: Um… are you ok?

DEB: Where are those carolers when you need them?

PETE: They’re never coming. I know sometimes while we’re writing this blog people seem to show up out of nowhere and enter the conversation but once you described those carolers I thought it was only a matter of time before they came in here and tried to cheer us up so I’ve bolted the door and reinforced the walls with steel beams (Chinese steel just like our President-Elect likes. Ooh, sweet Trump burn!) Aren’t you supposed to be the happy one who loves Christmas and defends it against my cynical attacks? Please don’t make me defend Christmas. I honestly don’t know how. I mean sure, it’s over commercialized and watered down but I guess there is something there at its core. Hope, right? Hope that in the New Year we might all be infused with a more gracious spirit and live up to the actual acts and words of the man whose birth we’re supposed to be celebrating.

“LITTLE DRUMMER BOY” SLOWLY BEGINS TO PLAY AS PETE’S VOICE GETS LOUDER AND MORE ENTHUSIASTIC.

PETE: And that it’s not about meeting unrealistic expectations, it’s about the fact that we’ll never meet them but we try just the same. It’s about… Oh crap. I just did it, didn’t I? I defended Christmas.

DEB: Well I guess if no one is coming to save us –

JESUS APPEARS IN A BEAUTIFUL GLOW.

DEB: Holy –

JESUS: Don’t say it-.

DEB: How’d you get past the steel beams?

JESUS: Really? C’mon guys. I wasn’t just a carpenter, I also worked with metal.

DEB: Cool, like being an arc welder?

JESUS: Well, I apprenticed but I never got fully certified. If I had lived in your time I would have wanted to be on a rivet gang like the ones who built the Empire State Building. Those were amazing artisans and so brave.

DEB: Cool. 

AWKWARD SILENCE

DEB: Um… Can I help you with something or…

JESUS: No. Actually I’m here to help you. You both have been so down in the dumps lately I just wanted to drop by and let you know everything is going to be OK.

DEB: That’s really sweet. I needed to hear that.

JESUS: OK – Later.

HE TURNS TO LEAVE.

DEB: Wait – can I ask you a personal question?

JESUS: Sure. Is it about the Empire State Building? Did you know it was built in 13 months? Incredible!

DEB: You seem to know a lot about The Empire State Building.

JESUS: I’m watching The American Experience on the history of New York. It’s like seven DVD’s so it’s taking me forever but it is soooo interesting. Plus I get really busy this time of year and have to remember to make some “me time”. I’m sorry, what was your question?

DEB: Are you… mad at me that I converted to Judaism?

JESUS:  Not at all. I don’t take that personally. Everyone has to walk their own path. That reminds me a bit of a story of Fiorello LaGuardia, one of the great mayors of New York –

PETE: Oh look, the door is suddenly open and someone else needs you. Very far away from here. Immediately.

JESUS: Do they want to hear about the Empire State Building?

PETE: … Sure

JESUS: Hot dog! Well, so long you two. And remember, if you really want to get me a birthday present be nice to each other. And watch that speech that Linus gives in the Charlie Brown Christmas special. It’s pretty much 95% of what I’d say. Adios!

JESUS WALKS OUT THE DOOR, WHICH CLOSES BEHIND HIM. THEN OPENS AGAIN AND CHARLIE BROWN ENTERS.

CHARLIE BROWN: That’s what Christmas is all about.

JESUS (FROM THE HALLWAY): Let’s go Chuck. We got a lotta stops to make tonight.

CHARLIE BROWN: Good Grief.

HE EXITS.

DEB: OK. I feel better, warm and fuzzy. How bout you?

PETE: Much better. Plus the Flu Shot I had earlier is kicking in. Let’s go shopping!

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Trump’s Transition

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about Donald Trump’s transition. They wrote it on December 1st

PETE: Well, Donald Trump is transitioning. How do you think it’s going? Better or worse than Caitlin Jenner?

DEB: Bruce Jenner transitioned himself into a beautiful, thoughtful, inspiring woman. Donald Trump is transitioning into… Donald Trump. Caitlin would be a good President and I think she is Republican. Maybe I am coming around to understanding the Republican party after all. I have been longing for a Romney presence in the cabinet just to keep something sort of grounded. Everything is all upside down. I thought Trump was looking out for the little man? Now he has Goldman Sachs/Wall Street Investor/ Movie Producer/ Hedge Fund Manager running the Treasury and a billionaire investor running the Commerce Department, neither with any governmental experience? I am not trying to be a jerk here – this just seems completely opposite to what he was promising on the campaign trail. But I’m not sure anyone cares.

PETE: I CARE! I think his picks don’t go far enough. I was promised Rudy Giuliani as Secretary of State, Sarah Palin as Secretary of the Interior and Robocop as head of Homeland Security. I honestly can’t believe he picked Steve Mnuchin for his Treasury Secretary. In addition to all the things you mentioned above he also bought a mortgage company from the government in 2008, foreclosed on thousands of people, then sold the company years later for a 100% profit. Someone should find one of the people whom he foreclosed on that also voted for Trump and watch that poor person’s head explode. How much hypocrisy can people put up with before they lose their minds?

DEB: I guess a lot? I mean, I already feel like I’m living in a waking nightmare. That sounds really dramatic. Our son did break his wrist on Election Day. And it was weird overhearing another patient at the Bone and Joint Center where he was getting his splint put on saying she was glad Trump won because she was an arms dealer and would have had to sell her business if Hillary won. I don’t have room in my brain for all these crazy things. It’s like our crazy closet, the more I try to organize it, the worse it gets. Good Grief.

PETE: Yeah, for the record that was super weird. She was also an orthodox Jew so we were both Americans, Jews and dealing with a wrist injury yet we couldn’t have been coming to that moment from more different perspectives. She was like Jonah Hill in that movie War Dogs and we were like Jonah Hill in… I don’t know, every other Jonah Hill movie? Bad example. I’m at the point where I’m just hoping Trump and his team just don’t fuck up too much stuff. It’s like leaving your teenager alone for the weekend when you go out of town – you know he’s gonna make some stupid mistakes, probably have a party, maybe break a vase or two and his buddy Murph is gonna make a bong out of that urn with your grandmother’s ashes but you just hope he doesn’t burn the house down. Is that a good way to approach a new president?

DEB: Well, there is a weekend, then there is four years. That’s a lot of weekends. Speaking of weekends, do you think instead of going to Camp David for important meetings with heads of state he will have them go to Mar-A-Lago? Or his New Jersey golf club? I think Camp David looks really cool like an old camp for kids with log cabins and bunk beds and stuff. I wanna go. I bet Jimmy Carter made good progress on peace in the Middle East while playing twister with Sadat and Begin. That’s how I like to think of it anyway.

PETE: I think that’s exactly what happened. They were playing Twister and when it was Sadat’s turn Carter called out “Right Hand Sinai” and they got that land back. I think you’re right about Trump. He might not do super important heads of state meetings at Camp David but he might offer to have foreign ministers and people like that stay at one of his hotels. Only here’s the thing: if these people stay at his hotel or play a round of golf at his course or even eat a Taco Bowl at Trump Tower, Trump will be making money off it. Even if you voted for him you have to admit that’s really bad. Or maybe you don’t, who knows. I think all the rules are going to change and it’s going to be frustrating watching people not give a shit.

DEB: Speaking of poo, at least the dog isn’t pooping on the rug lately. We must take comfort in the small things. He is just lying there peacefully under the piano. He doesn’t care who is President. Although he did just make a random snorting sound so maybe he does. I wonder if he wants a dog to be President. I wonder if he’d want someone who is tough like McGruff the Crime Dog, or someone more likeable and sympathetic like Droopy Dog? Then there’s that wildcard Libertarian, Scooby Doo. I’d like to watch that election play out, although it might get nasty. After all, only one of them wears clothes.

PETE: Sure but who knows what’s under McGruff’s trench coat? I mean, dogs can be flashers just like the rest of us. (Side note – this morning walking back from taking our son to school we saw a guy wearing a buttoned up trench coat, shorts and running shoes who we were 90% sure was a flasher) Sometimes I wish I were as blissfully ignorant as our sweet dog, Frankie. Just napping and eating and humping our son’s stuffed animals like he was in the backseat of a limo on prom night. Not a care in the world. Although… we are trying to figure out a good time to have him fixed and he doesn’t even know that’s coming. Oh my god, not even a dog is safe from some sort of horrible ball-less future under Herr Commandant, Presidente, Il Duce, Der Fuher, Generalissimo, Nacho Supreme Supreme Leader Trump! Am I blowing things out of proportion or is that just the right tone?

DEB: I kind of like Nacho Supreme Supreme Leader Trump, I wonder if that’s on the menu at Taco Time yet? When I was little, I was a bit confused about sandwiches named after people and also disturbed. The Teddy Roosevelt on rye wasn’t really made out of Teddy Roosevelt was it?  Oh, sweet naïve little girl, you should have never watched Soylent Green at such a young age. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah – did you have a limo on prom night? That’s some high class livin’ right there. My first prom date showed up drunk with hickies all over his neck and I had to drive cause he was too blazed. Anyway, what were we talking about? Is it possible that this upsetting election cycle and result and hate crime filled aftermath has given me ADD? Or maybe it’s just killing me slowly and it’s starting with my brain. Ooooh look! I think I saw a bat!

PETE: That’s Frankie, sweetie. I think it’s affecting your eyes too. And the Teddy Roosevelt sandwich isn’t made out of Teddy Roosevelt, it’s bear meat, American cheese and elephant bacon wrapped around the blade of a bayonet. I don’t think you have ADD you have Trump Related Unbalanced Mental Patterns, or TRUMP. It’s afflicting millions of liberals across America and even the world. You’re not alone. It’s that right, Hollywood actor Jonah Hill

JONAH HILL ENTERS WEARING A WHITE DOCTOR’S COAT.

JONAH HILL: Hello, I’m Hollywood actor Jonah Hill, star of “War Dogs”, “Moneyball” and “Superbad”

PETE: Don’t forget “Knocked Up”.

JONAH HILL: That was Seth Rogen.

PETE: I don’t think it was but keep going.

JONAH HILL: Anyway, Debra you’ve experienced an intense trauma over these last few weeks and I’ve got bad news for you, it’s not getting any better. I’m here to help.

DEB: Wow. Thank you Doctor. Should I call you Doctor?

JONAH HILL: Definitely not. I could get in big trouble. Debra, what if I told you you could change places with your dog so you never had to think about Donald Trump again? Would that be something you’d be interested in?

DEB: Will I have to get my balls cut off?

JONAH HILL: Let’s not get into details about who’s getting their balls cut off and who’s getting paid a million dollars to be here right now.

DEB:  What ever you say, Doctor.

JONAH HILL: Stop saying that.

DEB: Yes Nurse.

JONAH HILL: Better. Now, back to the issue at hand. Having your testicles removed is a small price to pay for trading away all human awareness of Donald Trump, don’t you think?

DEB: Well when you put it that way-

MCGRUFF THE CRIME DOG BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR.

MCGRUFF: Hold it right there Dr. Hill.

JONAH HILL: McGruff, how’d you find me? I thought I’d ditched you in Prague.

MCGRUFF: It takes more than a rubber ball thrown down an alleyway to get me off the case. McGruff always gets his man.

MCGRUFF PULLS A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS OUT OF HIS TRENCH COAT.

JONAH HILL: Damn you McGruff!

MCGRUFF HANDCUFFS JONAH.

MCGRUFF: Let me guess, he was trying to “fix” you right?

DEB: Yes, but –

MCGRUFF: Well I got news for you sweetheart, there’s no fix for what ails ya. The only remedy is time. And alka seltzer. And watching the show “Too Cute” on Animal Planet. And watching out for your fellow citizens so their rights don’t get trampled on. And having for compassion for one another –

JONAH HILL: Can we go already?

MCGRUFF: And being patient.

JONAH HILL: (sighs) Yes sir…

PETE: The talking dog with the creepy trench coat is right, Deb. It’ll be a tough 4 years but we just need to stay vigilant and remain true to the values we find important. And at the end of those 4 years we can celebrate with a huge blow out party.

MURPH ENTERS SMOKING WEED OUT OF AN URN

MURPH: Did someone say party?

 EVERYONE: Get out of here, Murph!

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Halloween

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation” over the course of an afternoon. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about Halloween. They wrote it on October 28th

PETE: Boo! Scared you, didn’t I? Your turn.

DEB: I love Halloween. What’s your favorite scary movie? Mine is “The Shining.”

PETE: Mine is the 2016 election. Although the monster is a little too realistic for my taste. For real, I think mine is also The Shining. Maybe that’s why we are such a good couple. We both love stories of psychotically unhinged men torturing their families, creepy twins, blood tsunamis and sex with giant rabbits.

DEB: Do you believe in ghosts? Wouldn’t that be a really good line in a movie trailer? Just a black screen and Liam Neeson reading that line, then a laugh in the darkness. Oooooh I can’t wait to see that as soon as I write it, sell it and get it made.

PETE: Well, I think you know I don’t really believe in ghosts. I’ve never had an experience that could even remotely be considered supernatural and I’d never heard any convincing first hand stories. I don’t find ghost stuff scary at all. Then I met you. Any interest in explaining to our readers your encounters with ghosts?

DEB: Sure. When I first moved to Chicago, I shared an apartment with three friends. It was a great apartment and we loved it. Then, things started happening. (How often do you hear that at the beginning of a ghost story?) Lights turning off and on by themselves, things moving around in the kitchen, my room mate’s checkbook turning up in his medicine cabinet, pictures popping off walls, things being put in odd places, the refrigerator door being held open like someone was looking for something, a voice mimicking our voices calling from the other end of the apartment. It took a while for us to realize that we might have another roommate then we tried to figure out who it might be.  Before moving to Chicago, one of my roommates had lost a friend and had been with him at the end before he passed. When we moved into the apartment, my friend had been playing a song that he had written for his friend who died. As we learned more about him, how he like to rearrange my friend’s kitchen and how he would stand for a long time in front of the fridge with the door open it seemed like a good guess that this ghost was him. I talked to him and told him it was OK for him to be with us and he could stay as long as he wanted until he felt ready to go to the next place. Soon, all the activity stopped.

PETE: Whatever. That story is dumb and lame and NOT scary at all. Also, it sounds like you told him he could stay and he took off. So ungrateful.

DEB: One more thing, (Columbo style - I am wearing a trench coat and holding a cigar) one night three of us were out to dinner and we called home to see if our other roommate wanted us to bring him anything. He was startled when he found out he was alone. He responded, “If you are all there… who is in the apartment?”

PETE: So that was an instance of a ghost who was just trying to communicate with an old friend and didn’t want to leave the world of the living. That’s not that scary. Once you know what the ghost wants it’s actually kind of sweet. Do you think all ghosts are like that or are some, and I’m sorry if I’m going to offend some ghosts by saying this, just total dicks?

REB: I think there are angry ghosts just as there are angry people. All I know is if we ever buy a house I’m going to do a lot of research about who lived there and if there were any untimely departures if you know what I mean. I also think houses and apartments can hold on to negative energy if there was a lot of fighting, a divorce, or sadness there. Sometimes you have to heal the space a little bit - oh my god stop rolling your eyes!

PETE: Sorry, you had me at “angry ghosts” but lost me at “heal the space”. You could burn all the sage in the world and I wouldn’t be convinced that kind of thing works. Side note: why burn sage? Is that just an American thing? Do other cultures do they burn more appropriate food? Mole in Mexico? Curry in India? Chicken Parmesan in Italy?

DEB: Stop it, you’re making me hungry. When burned, sage and other herbs release negative ions, which is supposed to create a more positive environment. I think it is a Native American ritual. And also think of the Frankincense that is burned in Catholic churches, perhaps spiritually cleaning the sanctuary. I think there is something about the smoke purifying the space; although anytime I am around cigar smoke I have a very negative reaction.

PETE: Yeah, cigar smoke will clear a space but mostly of non-assholes. Also, if I had known burning sage was a Native American ritual I wouldn’t have made so much fun of it. I mean, you saw “Poltergeist”, you've seen what happens when you mess with dead Native Americans. Now, is that racist or culturally sensitive? It’s such a fine line. Speaking of that line and Halloween, did I ever tell you about the time I dressed up as Buckwheat for Halloween? It based solely on my love of Eddie Murphy’s Buckwheat bits on SNL at the time. And how do you think I best portrayed someone of African American descent? Yes, that’s right, in blackface. Some black face paint liberally applied to my liberal skin. Which, to my credit, I did not know was wrong at the time. And, to the discredit of every adult in my life at the time, I was allowed to do anyway.

DEB: Well, I’m not sure what to say about that. I will tell you that when I part my hair down the middle, people often mistake me for Alfalfa. I always thought I was more of a Spanky. By the way, why is the toaster on top of the toilet?

PETE: I assume that's something either Spanky or Alfalfa would do but I honestly don’t know. But behavior like that certainly explains why they were called the "Little Rascals”. Incorrigible! I really am embarrassed that I dressed up like a black person in black face for Halloween in the 1980’s and it wasn’t in 1960’s Mississippi. Or 2016 Mississippi for that matter. (Sorry Mississippi but when someone shoots up the Emmett Till memorial plaque you kinda deserve that one). I think real shit like that is scarier than any ghost story I’ve ever heard. I always thought a great idea for a haunted house wouldn’t be people popping out as vampires or bloody monsters but rather a little kid pretending to be separated from his parents or an EMT running through the place holding those heart resuscitation paddles or a 75 year old couple wandering through the crowd as your in-laws and threatening to stay with you for a month.

DEB: Sometimes reality is scarier than the otherworldly creatures I guess. When I was pregnant I watched “Rosemary’s Baby”. I simply adored their apartment with all that yellow and Mia Farrow going to Vidal Sassoon was a delight. Granted, the apartment came with some conditions, but you know, New York City real estate is complicated. This year has been so scary I’m just glad to have a break from all the drama and think about something cheerier like ghosts, goblins, and things that go bump in the night

PETE: Maybe that’s why we love scary movies and stories so much – because they’re not real. Reality is too frightening so we make up ghost stories to…

SUDDENLY THE TOASTER FLOATS SLOWLY PAST PETE’S FACE.

PETE: Shouldn’t that be on the toilet? Huh… anyway, as I was saying, we make up ghost stories to scare ourselves just a little bit so we don’t have to face the things that really scare us…

A PICTURE THAT IS NORMALLY ON THE WALL ABOVE DEB’S HEAD

PETE: Ok, I see what’s going on here. I’m saying I don’t believe in ghosts and now the ghosts that you believe in are trying to make me believe in them. Not gonna happen, ghosts!

DEB: I’ve been meaning to move that picture anyway.

A TOY TRAIN SET BLOWS IT’S WHISTLE AND BEGINS TO LOOP AROUND THE TRACKS.

DEB: Oh I just remembered a movie I liked a lot which was called “The Village” by M. Knight Shamalan. Also “The Others” was really good. They are not gory or anything, just good stories.

STEPHEN KING’S BOOK “SKELETON CREW” FLOATS OFF THE BOOK SHELF AND IS HANGING IN MID AIR.

DEB: And, of course, anything by Stephen King is good.

PETE: Yeah… he’s great… OK! I GIVE UP! I’M FRICKING SCARED AND I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS SO YOU WIN! WHATEVER SPIRIT IS HAUNTING OUR APARTMENT CAN MOVE ON TO THE NEXT WORLD OR GET JUSTICE FOR YOUR MURDER OR REVENGE ON YOUR LANDLORD OR WHATEVER. JUST PLEASE STOP MAKING PICTURES AND TOY TRAINS MOVE AROUND THE APARTMENT!!!!

SILENCE. EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO NORMAL.

DEB (IN VALLEY GIRL SPEAK): Ummmm, You just put some super negative energy out there. I’m gonna have to burn some cilantro or what ever else we have in the fridge.

PETE: If you want some super positive energy burn the herb I keep upstairs wrapped in dryer sheets in my desk drawer, bra.

A BAG OF THE AFOREMENTIONED HERB FLOATS DOWNSTAIRS AND HOVERS CLOSE TO THE CEILING.

DEB: That weed is so high right now.

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - The Final Presidential Debate

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about the final presidential debate. They wrote it on October 20th

PETE: Well, there are still 19 days left in this horrifying election (or 39, if you listen to Trump’s directions to vote on November 28th) but at least we don’t have to see another presidential debate. Remember in little league if one team was winning by 10 runs they’d invoke the “slaughter rule” and just stop the game in the middle so the loser didn’t have to keep being humiliated? They should have done that before last night. I actually felt bad watching Trump. He’s kind of spiraling out of control. He doesn’t need an election, he needs an intervention.

DEB: I don’t feel bad for him. His gold toilet will still be there for him if he loses. His sons will still be able to hunt big game and Ivanka will still be beautiful. They will all be OK, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. Also, don’t take anything for granted. I know he is behind but it ain’t over til it’s over. This bad dream keeps on going. He is insuring his dark villain legacy by convincing his people there will be voter fraud so no matter what he wins with them. Gotham is in trouble, someone light up the bat signal. And please let Batman be Michael Keaton or George Clooney.  

PETE: I don’t know. With how bad things are going this year I think we’re going to get the Batman we deserve - Ben Affleck. I guess he’s also the accountant we deserve. (side note: that movie, The Accountant, looks insane. The character is a combination of Matt Damon’s character from Good Will Hunting and Matt Damon’s character from Bourne Identity and it’s played by Ben Affleck). I agree, we shouldn’t pronounce him dead prematurely but at this point if he actually won wouldn’t people be even more suspicious of some kind of voting fraud?

DEB: Well, I would be surprised if he won, but I just feel like I have to prepare myself. Do you think Trump would redecorate the White House? Would he even live there? I think he’d probably live in New York and chopper in for meetings. He’d have to find a fly through KFC, but I’m sure those will exist soon. I mean, if we can put a man on the moon, surely we can put fried chicken in a flight path.

PETE: Honestly, if Trump promised “Fly-Thru” KFCs he’d win in a landslide, despite the fact that no one in his base owns an airplane. Why do some Americans always vote against their self-interest? It’s funny that you ask whether or not he’d live in the White House because I don’t think it’s required that the president live there. Michael Bloomberg, billionaire turned mayor of NYC, never lived in Gracie Mansion. He had a super nice townhouse on the Upper East Side and used Gracie Mansion for meetings and official events. Now that I’ve written Gracie Mansion three times I wonder why it’s called that.

DEB: Gracie Mansion was built in 1799 by a rich merchant named Archibald Gracie, the Upper East Side estate on 88th Street hugs the East River and is adjoined by 11 acres of land (now Carl Schurz Park). I did not just Google that, it just poured right out of my brain. Although I wish it was named after George Burns’ wife Gracie. She would have been a great mayor. For 11 acres in Manhattan I’d run for mayor! As far as people who played God in movies, George Burns was my favorite. He was so sweet. Not so much fire and brimstone, more cigar smoke and Bengay heating action cream. I know I’m off topic here, I just really feel the need to think of good, sweet things. Did you just call me a nasty woman

PETE: What? Never. There is only one nasty woman and that’s Janet Jackson. First of all, your cutting and pasting skills form Wikipedia are unparalleled. Second, I’m sorry I smell like Bengay. I sprained my fingers typing that last paragraph. Third, we are totally on topic. Since Trump is a TV star who, in his mind, is running for God, I think it’s relevant to talk about who has been the best on screen God. What about Morgan Freeman? He was both God in “Bruce Almighty” and president in “Deep Impact”. He should just be able to walk right into the oval office and start presidenting. Although he does have that murder conviction from “The Shawshank Redemption” and if that ever came out it’d be a huge scandal.

DEB: But he could get through that. I love Morgan Freeman as God of course (and man). Let’s jump forward four years from now, who is running then? Can you tell I’m so over everything in the present? I’m going to go try on my Downton Abbey costume.

PETE: You are going to make an adorable Bates. Very fetching. And talk about a dark past… I agree, lets look to the future when things will hopefully be a little more civil or at least return to a socially acceptable amount of political hatred. I think a few things might happen but primarily I think we are guaranteed to see at least 2 Republican women running for president in 2020. Susana Martinez of NM and Nikki Hailey of SC come to mind. Both popular governors, both seriously distanced themselves from Trump, which will be a big contrast to suck ups like Rubio and Cruz, who I think are both screwed. They’ll run again but they’re tainted. Meanwhile “Tainted Cruz” sounds like a sexual maneuver that Trump would attempt on someone against her will.

DEB ENTERS DRESSED AS BATES COMPLETE WITH CANE.

DEB (IN BRITTISH ACCENT): Well that’s unsavory. But nothing a nice cup of tea can’t remedy. Would you care for anything, my Lord?

JUST THEN, GEORGE BURNS ENTERS

GEORGE BURNS: No thanks. By the way, you are a very handsome man.

DEB: Thank you, my Lord. But I was actually asking the other Lord.

GEORGE BURNS: Jack Lord?

DEB: No the other Lord.

GEORGE BURNS: Morgan Freeman?

DEB: No, my Lord, the other Lord.

GEORGE BURNS: Lord of the Rings?

DEB: Close, my Lord.

GRACIE BURNS ENTERS.

GRACIE BURNS: Wait, I know this –

GEORGE BURNS: Here we go…

GRACIE: Lord of the Flies.

DEB: No, my Lady.

GRACIE: Oooooooooh I’m a Lady all of a sudden. You could learn something from this handsome gentleman who could use a shave.

DEB: I was actually referring to the Lord of the manor.

GRACIE: That’s what I was gonna say next.

GEORGE BURNS: Say Goodnight, Gracie.

GRACIE: Goodnight Gracie.

DEB: Now, about that cup of tea, my Lord?

MORGAN FREEMAN ENTERS.

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’ll have it, thank you Bates.

DEB: Why not? Right away, my Lord.

GEORGE BURNS: Well I’ll have one too. I can’t have anymore Sanka today.

PETE: What the hell? I go to the bathroom for 15 seconds and this is what happens? Why are there two ghosts, an esteemed Hollywood icon, vaudeville-esque misunderstandings and some British guy who needs a shave in my apartment? And where’s Deb?

DEB: (To herself) God, this is a good costume.

GEORGE: You’re welcome.

DEB: (To Pete) I believe she had a prior engagement. I was just preparing tea, my Lord.

JACK LORD ENTERS.

PETE, MORGAN, GEORGE, GRACIE AND JACK LORD: Thank you, Bates.

DEB: Well now it’s a party. Or a minyan. Either way, I’ll put the kettle on.

PETE: I think we might need some more people for a minyan.

BEN AFFLECK ENTERS

AFFLECK: I came as soon as I heard.

PETE: Heard what?

AFFLECK: The Bat signal! It works for anyone in need.

BEN AFFLECK POSES WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS. NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING…

PETE: Yeah… ok… I never thought I’d say this but can we talk about Donald Trump some more?

UPON HEARING TRUMP’S NAME GEORGE AND GRACIE BURNS, MORGAN FREEMAN, JACK LORD EXIT.

PETE: You too, Affleck.

BEN AFFLECK EMERGES FROM BEHIND A POTTED PLANT, HANGS HIS HEAD AND WALKS OUT DEJECTEDLY

PETE: Phew. I thought they’d never leave. Now you and I can finally be alone, Mr. Bates. And may I say you’re looking very fetching tonight. I’m going to move on you like a bitch…

DEB: You are a nasty woman.

DEB EXITS.

PETE: I don’t accept these results. This whole piece has been rigged. 

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Donald Trump, The Hands On Candidate

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about the sexual accusations against Donald Trump. They wrote it on October 14th.

PETE: It’s amazing to think that a mere 7 days ago Donald Trump was just a run of the mill sexist, race-baiting, xenophobic, conspiracy theorist hate monger. And now, all of a sudden, he’s a sexual predator. “Where have you gone, Don Dimaggio…?” Or something like that.

DEB: The gross out factor for this dude is off the charts. I thought riding a school bus was traumatizing. Now I don’t want to get on a plane either! Or shop for furniture!!!! Come on America, we don’t want a President Perv. What’s he gonna do when he is in a room alone with Angela Merkel? Is he going to install a peephole into the women’s changing room at the UN? (I assume they have rooms to change for gym class.) Will a meeting with The National Organization for Women include mandatory strip poker? Topless servers in The Senate dining Hall? I’m sure the White House will be overrun with tall thin blond women in tight clothes and glossy lips. Why are you smiling and staring off into space like that?

PETE: These are all such great ideas. I’m trying to picture an America where all of this happens at once. Sorry… What were we talking about? Oh yes, Donald Trump. I think it’s fitting that his slogan is Make America Great Again cause he clearly wants to be president of America in 1956. Much of what he says and does (demeaning and assaulting women, mocking disabled people, saying Blacks and Hispanics live “in hell”) and what he’s proposing (religious profiling, protectionism, trade wars, retrograde culture wars positions) wouldn’t have been controversial 60 years ago. They were mainstream. I don’t think he knows what year it is. It’s like right before he announced his candidacy he binge-watched Mad Men and someone told him it was the news.

DEB: Well he needs to watch Roots, Schindler’s List and Nine to Five! OKaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! And this business about his supporters saying we should revoke the 19th Amendment? Just enjoy the fact that we still don’t have equal pay. I can’t wait for all the witch trials that he will bring back as part is his “making things great again” agenda. First up on the chopping block? The good wife of Clinton who was seen dabbling in the dark arts of helping children get healthcare. How dare ye, witch?!

PETE: Great Deb, now if people Google “Hillary Clinton” and “Witch”, our column is going to come up. Oh well, welcome new readers! You and your tin foil hats are welcome here. What’s very scary and truly sad is that to defend himself against these accusations, Trump is dragging everyone and everything down with him. He is telling his supporters Hillary is the devil and that the media is lying and in collusion with Hillary and even other Republicans are out to get him. He’s creating an army of frothing, paranoid, gun-loving maniacs. Remember the 90’s when the worst thing a conspiracy theorist could do was corner you at a party and talk your ear off about The X Files?

DEB: The good ol’ days. I have this sense that on Sunday night, when Trump said he never acted on those awful things he said on the bus, many women threw a shoe at the television. Eight women have come forward so far. I bet there will be more. I am so disgusted with Trump, but I am so impressed with these brave women who have come forward to tell their stories. If someone should go to jail, shouldn’t it be the person who is guilty of sexual assault? I’m just glad I’m not a political cartoonist. I would not want to draw any of this!!!!! Yuck!

PETE: Here’s an idea for a cartoon: Trump as combination Octopus/Steve Urkle from Family Matters with 8 hands in 8 women’s crotches and the caption reads “Did I Do That?” Actually, that’s kind of offense to octopuses. Which reminds me, remember that James Bond movie, Octopussy? I don’t know why I just thought of that.

DEB: OK, I’m really mad at you for putting that in my brain. I’m going to have to take a brain shower which includes one episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey and three episodes of House Hunters. Now when people Google “Urkle” and “James Bond” our column will turn up. We welcome you… who ever you are. Actually, I find you very interesting and look forward to meeting you! Anyway, back to the topic – Sexual Predator, Donald Trump- I guess these are the October surprises. Although I am not surprised, just disgusted. Will there be a November surprise? Beside you doing something weird to the Thanksgiving turkey?

PETE: All I want to do is apply my special dry rub then smoke it. Oh great, now even that sounds disgusting. Curse you, Trump! This really is the worst campaign I’ve ever seen. And it’s too bad too because the economic arguments Trump has made actually do have some merit. Someone needs to look out for these workers who get laid off when their plants closed and coal miners worried about the future or people whose jobs have been stolen by horrible robots (I know I want to start some shit every time I have to use the supermarket self-checkout lane) but did it have to be this terrible human being? Why aren’t those people pissed off at him for being such a sucky candidate that no one is talking about their issues anymore?

DEB: Now don’t bring logic into this, Spock. It’s too late for that. We are all in a cuckoo spiral the likes no one has ever seen. I guess everyone feels it’s too close to the election to jump ship so they will just go down with it. But really, when people choose to ignore this sexual assault business and will vote for Trump anyway because they say we have bigger problems it is really insulting to women. It’s saying that it doesn’t matter that you were violated. You do not matter. You do not have value. And if you tell your story, people will violate you again by calling you a liar. But I can’t make anyone care about that. Compassion is not a requirement for voting. But if you are a woman and you are voting for Trump, I hope you are aware of what you are supporting.

PETE: First of all, I am not a woman and second, I am not voting for Trump. Third, do you remember that SNL sketch that was a political talk show where they had 4 black people talking about what would Obama have to do to lose their vote? And the bit was every time someone proposed crazier and crazier stuff they all said they’d still vote for him? I feel like that’s the same with Trump people. He said it himself a year ago, “I could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and I wouldn’t lose any votes.” Who knew by “shoot” he meant “grope” and by “Fifth Avenue” he meant “women’s crotches”. Come to think of it “Fifth Avenue” is actually kind of a fun euphemism for “vagina”. Classy, world famous, precious real estate. Oh, wait, he’s actually gonna talk right now in North Carolina…

DEB: I just want you to know if you wanted to be a woman I would support you in that. We already wear the same size in most things. Except I have much bigger feet. OK, I couldn’t help overhear the “Lock Her Up” chant at this Trump rally. I will not miss that when this is all over. Also, the word “crotch” is not my favorite. I prefer the more medical term – swimsuit area.

PETE: Well I think we just proved that I am not a woman and you are not a doctor. And Trump is not a serious person. He also just said at his rally in addition to appointing a special prosecutor to investigate Hillary, he’s also going to “investigate the investigation” and he called the reporters at the NY Times “corporate lobbyists.” It’s just so obviously unhinged and Nixonian. And now he’s saying, “All these allegations are false. I don’t know these people.” But that’s just it - “all” these allegations. There’s too many for it to be bullshit. So now he’s Nixonian and Cosby-esque. What a great combination.

DEB: And I think he just insulted Hillary’s backside by saying “She walked in front of me at the debate and I wasn’t impressed.” Wow. This guy is a real class act. He has really elevated the level of discourse… to the basement.

JUST THEN BILL COSBY ENTERS.

COSBY: Jello there. I thought I heard someone say my name.

PETE: I did but it wasn’t in a particularly flattering context.

COSBY: It never is these days…

PETE: Of course. Well now that you’re here, let me ask you, what do you – actually, can you get your hand off my thigh? We established that I’m not a woman.

COSBY: Sorry…

PETE: I was going to ask you what you think of Donald Trump?

COSBY: I’m attracted to him but it’s hard to slip something in his big gulp what with the lid and straw and everything.

DEB: That’s it for me. I suddenly have to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. Call me when everything is over. I’ll be where I can’t hear any more of this.

COSBY: Want some company?

DEB: No.

DEB STARTS TO DRINK HER GLASS OF WATER, STOPS, THEN SLOWLY PUTS IT DOWN.

DEB: Nice try.

COSBY: You can’t blame the ‘Cos for trying! Alright! Who wants a drink?

PETE: Nice try.

COSBY: Man, you guys are no fun. I’m going to Trump Tower where the partay is! Who wants a ride in my limo?

PETE AND DEB: Nice try.

COSBY: Aw man, I wish it was 1976…

JUST THEN RICHARD NIXON ENTERS.

NIXON: And I wish it was 1972! Sock it to me?

PETE: Ugh. Who’s next, Woody Allen?

JUST THEN WOODY ALLEN TRIES TO ENTER BUT PETE SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.

PETE: Nope!

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Third Party Candidates

This is our first “repeat” column, since Pete is out of town all week. We wrote it back in May. Enjoy

Quality Time Third Party Candidacy

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City theater, writers, actors and also husband and wife. This piece was composed on their home computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond. The content of this “conversation” was not preplanned. They just decided to talk about the possibility of a third party candidate in the 2016 presidential election. They wrote it on May 11th 2016.

PETER: Well, the unthinkable has happened. No, not Zayn Malik leaving One Direction (I’m still not over that). Donald Trump is going to be the Republican nominee. And while there are some Republicans out there who are begrudgingly getting in line, some of them are also trying to figure out if they should run some sort of third party candidate. What do you think? Should they do it? Who should do it? Who has that kind of time and money on their hands to just decide they want to run for President?

DEB: OK, I got this. Arnold Swarzennaggar (please check my spelling, I feel like I’m offending 10 different groups of people). Oh, he’ll be back all right. I know what you’re thinking; “He fathered a child with his Mexican House keeper!”  Well, at least we know he likes Mexicans. I mean he really “liked” her. Nobody is perfect, at least he bought her and her son a house and looked after them. I’m sure the kid would have liked to have known who his father was earlier on so he could have gone to a movie premiere or two but those are overrated anyway. You have to dress up and you can’t really eat popcorn or you will get grease spots on your cumberbun (please check my spelling on this as I may have offended Benedict Cumberbatch).

PETE: First of all, that spelling could have been a lot worse and a lot more offensive. We dodged a bullet there. Second, I totally forgot about that scandal. That was kind of a fun one. And I have to say, very bi partisan of him. Fathering a secret child always seemed like more of a Democrat thing. Something I’d expect from John Edwards, Bill Clinton or Dennis Kucinich. Did you hear the rumor that he’s the father of Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit?

DEB: Wait…let me catch up a minute. Kucinich has that hot red head for a wife and he still found the energy to find and “forage” with some hobbit lady? I love that guy. Some people are just really good at time management. (I stare out the window for a half hour waiting for a gust of wind to blow a white plastic bag out of a tree).

PETE: Deb! Deb! Hey! Over here! We’re supposed to be talking about third party candidates.

DEB: Right. I mean eventually, the bag will blow out of the tree right? Or will it just stay there, helpless, fraying in the apathetic winds of all seasons, because no one cares enough to go get a ladder and pull it from it’s trap… and it slowly disintegrates… and we do nothing… but watch.

PETE: Yeesh. Sylvia Plath much? I knew I shouldn’t have gotten you that book for our anniversary. I’m going to assume that you’re talking about the hopelessness of a third party candidacy?

DEB: No, I’m just really obsessed with that bag. I’m returning that bell jar you gave me too, I don’t know what I’m supposed to put in there, a frog or something? There’s no air holes. That was a very confusing anniversary gift.  You should have got me that bag of rocks like I asked for.

Anyhoo, so for the third party candidate, I think the Terminator is my first choice, and my second choice would be…Harrison Ford. Remember the movie Air Force One? He’s wrestling with the terrorist and he says, “Get off my plane!” then he throws him off the plane! I mean, that’s some good “Presidentin’ right there.

PETE: Harrison Ford is your second choice for everything. President, husband. When will this end?

I think unfortunately President Han Solo is more realistic than a viable third party candidacy. Although I kind of wish that Mitt Romney or Michael Bloomberg or even Arnold Schwartzenargzgerger would run and just tell everyone, “Hey, you know I can’t win. I know I can’t win. I’m just doing this so Trump doesn’t win.” I mean, you want to talk about public service, about actually doing something selfless for the good of the country? You can either throw yourself on a grenade so the rest of your platoon lives or run this year as a third party candidate

DEB: Well, now that you bring up Platoon, I guess Charlie Sheen has to do it. I’ll make the call.

DEB PICKS UP PHONE AND CALLS.

DEB: (To Pete) What? Trump tweeted his number. I can’t help what I absorb from this information rich environment I exist in.

DEB LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AT THE BAG STILL STUCK IN THE TREE.

DEB: He’s not picking up. Should I leave a message?

PETE: No. He’s probably hanging out with Dennis Kucinich in 2008. Very topical references we’re making here.

You joke but if Trump doesn’t win this time Charlie Sheen will be the nominee in 2020. And if Trump does win he’ll make Charlie Sheen Secretary of Health and Human Services. Is there any future for “real” politicians anymore? Benedict Cumberbatch has an intense legion of fans called - their term, not mine – Cumberbitches. If he wanted to be president they would vote for him in a heartbeat.

DEB: OK, I have a policy question. Do the Cumberbitches wear Cumberbritches or do they just wear Cumberbuns? Sing that in a Brittish accent and all will seem right with the world.

PETE: That’s not a policy question. That’s a song Henry Higgins uses to teach Eliza Doolittle proper elocution. What kind of… Wait a minute. Is this true? I just turned on CNN and Trump has named that plastic bag as his running mate. Trump/Bag 2016! Make America Plastic Again!

DEB RUNS TO THE WINDOW.

DEB: It’s true! It’s out of the tree!  You go get em Lil’ Baggy! Just don’t make him angry, you won’t like him when he’s angry.

THE WHITE PLASTIC BAG FREES ITSELF FROM THE TREE AND IS SET ALOFT ON THE WIND.

PETE: Good for you! Roam free! Come to think of it, now that a white plastic bag is on the ticket there’s no need for Mitt Romney to get into the race. Sorry, Mitt. Viva Trump!

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Back To School

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about kids going back to school. They wrote it on September 8th 2016.

PETE: Happy week after Labor Day! We’re going to talk about “Back To School”, both as a time of year and a state of mind. Getting school supplies, saying goodbye to summer romances, excitedly going outside wearing a sweater and immediately fainting from heat exhaustion cause somehow it’s still 95 degrees outside. Good times.

DEB: I think I got a sunburn on the front of my neck yesterday. I definitely have to breakout the turtlenecks no matter the temperature. I bought all my winter stuff during the summer sales. I’m really a “live in the moment” kinda gal. I’m almost finished with my Chrisma-Quanza-Hanukah-winter solstice shopping. Back To School makes me think of my favorite outfit I had in third grade. It was a maroon vest and gaucho set that I wore with a white frilly blouse and maroon knee high boots. Did you have a favorite outfit you wore to school?

PETE: Same one! Aw… No wonder we found each other. And Deb’s not lying about loving turtlenecks. She’s got more turtle necks than a… well than a… I don’t know, bunch of turtles? Zing! Seriously though, as a kid I loved any shirt with numbers on it, like sports jerseys and stuff. So much so that my mom used to get regular T-shirts and either write numbers on them with fabric marker or tape numbers on them with black tape. I used to think that was weird til a friend of mine told me that his 5 year old son wore a LeBron James Miami Heat shirt under his regular clothes every day for a year.

DEB: Whatever works. That’s also the name of a catalogue I get that is geared toward those of us who get the AARP magazine - “Whatever Works”. P.S. – stop sending me all that stuff. I’ll find my own magnifying glass-attached to lamp-attached to a movable reading table-attached to my bed, thank you very much. (Although I am interested in the higher seated toilets so I guess keep sending me everything. Also, instead of a wheelchair, I think I’m leaning toward the camel. Can you please send me the no obligation brochure “Camel Instead of Wheelchair Living”?)

PETE: “Camel Instead of Wheelchair Living” is somehow less weird to me than the Vermont Country Store Catalog that you get that features candles shaped like old ladies and olde timey sleep clothes with a two-button flap on the backside and Squirrel Jerky. I made all of these up but you gotta admit they’re not far off.

DEB: The Vermont Country Store is completely awesome and if any of the Orton brothers are reading this I apologize for my husband’s somewhat brusk and ill informed manner (he loves the Senate Bean can soup).  Also, Vermont is my favorite state even though I haven’t been there yet. And I plan to buy a farm there complete with goats and Alpaca. And another thing, at least I wear sleep clothes unlike some people I know who only sleep in their tighty whities! How do you get away with that? What if a burglar comes in the middle of the night? Do you think he wants to see that? He might be very conservative and be quite shocked.

PETE: For years I have been hoping that an uptight burglar breaks into our apartment and rather than searching around for valuables he heads right for the bedroom and rips off the blanket to check if I’m wearing pajamas. And when he sees that I’m not, he waves his hand across his face like a stuck up rich lady in a Marx Brothers movie and faints right on the spot. I’ve also been waiting for a super hot lady burglar to do the same thing. Speaking of which, how about that for a Back To School outfit for you? “Super Hot Lady Burglar.”

DEB: Got it. All black turtleneck and black pants and black hat. Oh, wait, that’s what I always wear. In fact I am wearing al black right now. Since there is a heat advisory today I thought it was a good idea. I think my favorite year in school was first grade. I loved my new crayons and fresh paper and pencils. It just all seemed so hopeful. What was your favorite year?

PETE: I loved my third grade teacher, Mr. Caruso. He was super dry and funny and very dark. He had a shirt that said “When You’ve Seen One Nuclear Way You’ve Seen Them All”. I thought that was so funny despite the horribly real implications back in 1982. He also told us what was in hot dogs, which was when I found out I wasn’t much of a “lips and assholes” man and stopped eating hot dogs for a while. But the best thing he did was he’d practice Tai Chi at recess and he’d challenge us kids to try and attack him. So we’d all run at him one by one like a bunch of ninjas attacking the hero of a Hong Kong action movie and using Tai Chi he’d gently parry us aside. And by “gently parry us aside” I mean he’d push us onto the ground and we’d be laughing and screaming for more.

DEB: I think I saw that movie with Mark Harmon playing Mr. Caruso. I was always fascinated with the teachers lounge. What was going on in there? I know there was some smoking and some coffee drinking and sandwiching going on, but what other subversive activities were they up to? Were there ever plans to overthrow the principal? Create impossible word problems? Folk singing? I guess I’ll never know. But I have a distant memory of hearing Mr. Bojangles in that lounge (and I’m not talking about Mr. Bojangles the substitute teacher).

PETE: I think there was some pot smoking and some alcohol drinking happening along with whatever “sandwiching” is. We definitely had a principal who was an alcoholic. He would walk into school with a normal face and by the end of the day his nose would be as red as the dodge balls flying at my head. (Side note here. A few minutes ago Deb was trying to clean the floors and my job was to keep the puppy away from the Swiffer, which he loves. He needs some friends. Anyway, I tried to do my best to keep him in one section of the living room but in doing do he wound up not being able to get to the pee pad and peed on the rug. Such is life. Back to our column.)

DEB: I think he thinks the Swiffer is peeing and it inspires him to do the same. This was not in the potty training book I read. I guess in a way he’s right. Now he is sleeping by the toilet. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, school. I had lice and scoliosis (Still have one of those) and got sent home for having them. Shame be upon me. Did you ever get sent home for anything?

PETE: The nice thing about lice and scoliosis is that shampoo can cure both. I once got in-school suspension as a freshman for lighting a desk on fire. Does that count?

DEB: Oh my God, who are you!?! If you did that today you’d be sent to the clink and never let out. I hope it was at least some kind of anti war protest.

PETE: I wish. I had a spray can of Right Guard in my backpack cause I was going to put it in my gym locker and I was dicking around in a study hall when the teacher was out of the room, showing some friends how you could turn Right Guard and a lighter into a flame thrower. One thing led to another and pretty soon I sprayed Right Guard on a desk and lit that on fire right at the moment that Mrs. Bierbauer walked back into the room. And of course she FREAKED out and was totally unconcerned with how cool it was and was 100% focused on the damage to the desk, which, to be honest, was minimal.

DEB: So you were destroying the ozone layer and school property. Poor Miss Bierbauer. That must have been the last straw for her teaching career then she went on to establish Miss Bierbauer’s Beer House. I love that place, the schnitzel is not to be missed. I got in trouble for talking in second grade and had to move my desk and chair out into the hallway. I kinda liked it out there… one step closer to the teacher’s lounge.

PETE: Banished to the hallway actually sounds tame based on some stuff you’ve told me. Didn’t kids used to get spanked at your school?

DEB: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me. Teachers had paddles. Some very big. Some specially designed to be more effective than others. It was scary and I can’t believe that was ever allowed. I had an experience with a teacher who spanked me with her hand in front of the class. There was also a choir teacher who would trade candy for “licks” (this is a swipe with a paddle) in front of the whole choir. As I am writing this I am thinking, “OH MY GOD WHERE THE F WERE THE PARENTS!!!!” This was happening in 7th grade. I guess we all thought the teachers knew best. And now you know dear husband why I am so all up in our son’s business about school and what is going on there.

PETE: And why you associate singing with candy and spanking. Huh. I never thought of it that way. I guess you are right to—

JUST THEN THEY HEAR THE SOUND OF A WINDOW BREAKING. PETE AND DEB LOOK TO THE LIVING ROOM AND SEE A FIGURE CLAD IN ALL BLACK CLIMBING THROUGH THE WINDOW.

PETE: Oh my god! It’s a burglar. Please be a sexy lady…

THE FIGURE TAKES OFF HIS MASK TO REVEAL IT’S GARDNER ORTON, ONE OF THE PROPRIETORS OF THE VERMONT COUNTRY STORE.

DEB: Yes! It’s a sexy Orton brother! I win!!!!!!

GARDNER (TO PETER): I’m sorry if I startled you, we were running late on deliveries and I took it upon myself to bring you your monthly supply of Vim and Vigor.

GARDNER HANDS A PACKAGE TO PETER.

GARDNER: There’s also a pair of seersucker pajamas in there.

DEB: I loved your editor’s letter about covered bridges.

GARDNER: Life’s all about simple pleasures. Well I’m off!

GARDNER CLIMBS OUT THE WINDOW AND REPELS DOWN THE BUILDING.

PETE: Oh yeah, we live on the 9th floor. How the hell did he get up here? Deb? Deb? Why are you staring at the window where the sexy Orton brother just made a dramatic exit?

DEB: I just love fall.

PETE: It’s not fall yet. A tree just lit on fire outside.

DEB: I blame Right Guard.

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Getting A Dog

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about their new dog. They wrote it on August 11th 2016.

PETE: So we’re taking a little bit of a different approach this week. Instead of talking about the waking nightmare that is the presidential race, we’re going to talk about the fact that we got a dog! He’s a little Shih Tzu puppy named Frankie, named after Frank Pentangeli (or “Frankie Five Angels”) from The Godfather 2 and he’s currently taking a nap on the floor in the bathroom. When he’s not taking naps in weird places his interests include waking us up in the middle of the night to pee and climbing on our heads and biting our hair. I just realized if he were a human he’d be the worst roommate I’ve ever had.

DEB: He also likes nibbling on our earlobes. I think that is because we all have fat earlobes. If something terrible happened and he had to eat us to survive, he would probably start there. I’m not saying that he would do that, I mean, I only just met the little fellow and he seems nice enough. I’m sure the Donner Party were nice people. Oh God, how did this get so dark so quickly? I thought we were taking a break from talking about troubling things. Argh! OK, let me start over. Isn’t it great we got a little puppy? He gives me that warm fuzzy feeling, mainly because he is warm and fuzzy.

PETE: Yes, let’s keep it positive. I especially want to ignore the fact that our adult (and let’s admit it, overweight) cat, Umbierto, keeps looking at little Frankie and licking his lips. Which reminds me, did you buy a book called “To Serve Dog”? I saw it near Umbierto’s cat tower the other day but I’d never seen it before.

DEB: Umbierto figured out my Amazon account password and is finding all kinds of things he “needs”. We had a conversation about the difference between “want” and “need” and I guess that book ended up in the need category. By the way, if a large box gets delivered it’s probably the cat hot tub he ordered. He said he’d work it off by scooping his cat box. Don’t hold your breath, which is what I do when I scoop the box. Also, we are almost out of Soylent Green, can you put that on the shopping list?

PETE: Only if you tell me what that intoxicating flavor is. I just can’t put my finger on it. In all seriousness though, our cat and dog are not really getting along. Umbierto basically stays on any surface high enough to be out of Frankie’s reach and whenever he does descend to the floor for any reason Frankie chases him down and tries to play with him, which sends Umbi bolting up the steps that Frankie is too small to climb. Frankie is just being a puppy and Umbi is being a literal scared-y cat.

DEB: Well I think they are making progress. At least they can be in the same room together. My ultimate goal is for them to be best friend snuggle buddies. But, you gotta start somewhere. It’s hard, you can’t force them to be friends. When I was young I was such a goody two shoes that other kids’ parents tried to make their children be friends with me. It never worked. I wonder where the term goody two shoes comes from? Was there once a gang of lil’ rascals who only wore one bad shoe? I’m sure that’s right.

PETE: You’re right. It sounds like it comes from a time when all kids only had one shoe and if you were really good and played teacher’s pet you’d get a second shoe. What a cruel society we used to live in. And do live in currently which is why we’re taking a break to talk about cats and dogs. Speaking of dogs and shoes, are you going to make Frankie wear little booties when it’s snowing outside? We haven’t talked much about how much you plan on using him like a fashion model for dog clothes.

DEB: I do think they are good for protection against the salt that gets put on the snow so… maybe? I’m thinking some lil’ Uggs would be cute. He has a double coat of hair so he won’t need a heavy coat. Maybe a Poncho with “Frankie Five Angels” embroidered on it. Is it normal that we went through 175 Pee Pads in 1 week? Are we using them right? It seems like a lot… of peeing.

PETE: I don’t think you’re supposed to be using them. Are you using them? You can be honest with me.

DEB: Oh.

PETE: Ok… so putting that aside for now, I’m not sure about Uggs for the dog. Is it appropriate for your dog’s boots to be nicer and cost more money than your own boots?

DEB: Don’t complain. We do just fine sharing that one pair of old boots we fished out of the Gowanus Canal. Hey – wait a minute! That means we are a part of the Bad One Shoe Gang. I always wanted to belong to a group! Take that Toast Masters!

PETE: Did you get rejected by the Toast Masters? Why?

DEB: I only gave speeches about toast.

PETE: They hate that. I mean I love it when you give your 45-minute lectures about cinnamon toast vs. regular toast but I can see how people would find it… less than interesting.

As far as being part of a group goes you can now hang out with “dog people” when we take Frankie to the park. That’s a new group of people to belong to.

DEB: That’s true, and also the people who take their dogs to the park!

PETE: Wait, that’s who I was talking about. Who are you talking about? Who are these “dog people”? Is there a race of half man/half dog roaming around Brooklyn? How will they interact with the race of half man/half beard that currently rules our fair borough?

DEB: They may be one in the same… It’s like Big Foot but there is a bunch of them. I guess you could call them “Big Feet”. They are super cool and come out on a full moon and do drum circles and drink ale brewed in Brooklyn. I’ve never seen them in person, but if you go to the park at dawn after a full moon, you can still smell the patchouli and musk, and if you are lucky, you might see a foot print.

PETE: The worst thing about Brooklyn is that the off leash hours for these “Big Feet” people are 24/7/365. They’re everywhere all the time. But I’m curious about –

UMBIERTO SUDDENLY WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS AND FINDS HIMSELF STARING FACE TO FACE WITH FRANKIE. BOTH ANIMALS STOP AND STARE AT EACH OTHER.

PETE: Look, Deb. They’re having a showdown. What do you think is gonna happen?

DEB: They hug?

UMBI AND FRANKIE BOTH LOOK AT DEB.

DEB: Wanna hear a treatise about toast? Four Score and Seven Loaves ago…

UMBI AND FRANKIE: Booooooooooooo!

DEB (TO PETE): They are not boo-ing, they are saying, “Toooooaaaaaaast!”.

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

UMBIERTO (TO FRANKIE): I bet that’s my cat hot tub.

FRANKIE: Cool. Can I help you set it up?

UMBIERTO: Sure. These humans have to call the Super to change a light bulb.

FRANKIE (LAUGHING): I’m not sure what that is – but I’m assuming it’s an easy task they are incapable of achieving.

UMBIERTO: Hey, you’re not so bad kid.

FRANKIE: You’re not so bad yourself.

UMBIERTO (PUTTING HIM ARM AROUND FRANKIE): I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. You know how to scoop a cat box?

FRANKIE: Not yet, but something tells me I’m gonna learn.

THE THEME SONG FROM “CHEERS” PLAYS.

PETE: Cheers? Really? Not Casablanca? He directly quoted Casablanca. No “As Time Goes By”? Never mind…

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - The Unraveling of Donald Trump’s Campaign?

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about the unraveling of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. They wrote it on August 3rd 2016.

PETE: Where to begin? Well, speaking of beginnings, is this the end of Donald Trump? Or is it just the beginning, if such a thing is even possible, of an even MORE intense, dark, belligerent, defensive and also offensive stage of the campaign? As I said to you (yes, reader, we speak to each other outside this column) if Trump starts to feel like he’s losing for real he’s going to take the whole country down with him. “Nasty” won’t even begin to describe it. I mean things might even get “really nasty”.

DEB: Do you think he is trying to throw the fight? You are supposed to kiss the babies, not have them thrown out of the room for crying. You are supposed to honor the Veterans, not harass their grieving parents. You are supposed to tap into the hope of America, not the anger. If this is opposite day in the campaign, it is lasting for a long time. I wish it would switch to Pajama Day already, then my favorite, “Behave Like A Really Honorable President Day.”

PETE: I wish he were trying to throw it. That would at least make sense. What’s worse is that by saying all this stuff he’s actually trying to win. The idea of everyone involved in the campaign wearing their pajamas for a day actually makes a lot of sense. I feel like it’s hard to say horribly nasty things while you’re wearing your pajamas. Especially if those pajamas have duckies or kitties on them. What kind of cute animal does Trump have on his pajamas?

DEB: A Tyrannosaurus Rex shooting a Triceratops in the back.

PETE: Awww. So cute… “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of Tyrannosaurses to keep and bear arms in their tiny arms shall not be infringed.” What’s crazy about this is that it’s also not the only insane Trump-based thing going on this week. His son Eric implied that women who get harassed are somehow weak and responsible for it on CBS This Morning. Not that they’re responsible for it on CBS This Morning. He was on CBS This Morning when he said it. I made it sound like Charlie Rose and Gayle King are hitting on their guests.

DEB: First of all Charlie Rose can hit on me anytime. (He’s on my older man “Bucket List”, just like you have yours with Hot Lips Houlihan and Gloria Steinem.) I have to say there is something extremely disturbing to put out that idea of “Well, she was wearing a pretty short skirt” defense against these sexual harassers. I keep thinking we have moved on, but we haven’t. And when people yell, “Lock her up!” about Hillary at these Trump rallies, it feels like there is about to be a witch trial, and they have already started a pretty big bonfire and I don’t think they are gonna roast marshmallows. Well, they might. I guess some people have the stomach for that kind of thing. If you’ve got a hungry angry mob, you gotta feed em something! Am I right?

PETE: Absolutely. And after calling her crooked and asking that she be locked up or put in prison and calling her the devil the other day, Trump is already laying the groundwork for challenging the results of the election. That’s what I was talking about earlier. He’s now saying things like “the election is rigged” (even though no votes have been cast yet) and that struck down voter ID restrictions will cause fraud. So imagine 3 months of “HILARY IS A CROOKED TERRORIST-LOVING DEVIL WHO WILL FIX THE ELECTION!!!!!!” and millions of people are going to be frothing at the mouth looking to burn the witch, as you say, if she wins. He’s like a guy in a bar fight who is starting to get his ass kicked so he decides to burn down the whole bar.

DEB: Tell me about it, I’m still paying off repairs at the Beer Boot in Tuscaloosa. Never bring a knife to a karate fight.

I really hope you are wrong about him sticking around after the election. This is getting to be too much. I mean, if he loses, can’t we banish him to the Island of Elba? That’s reasonable. My God, someone has to be the voice of reason here! PS- check out my cool knife moves!

DEB SWINGS HER KNIFE WILDLY AT PETE, WHO BRAVELY STANDS IN ONE SPOT WHEN LESSER MEN WOULD COWER AT THE SIGHT OF A SWIRLING BLADES.

PETE: Well, I guess someone isn’t getting sexually harassed. Very strong, Deb.

I have no idea what he’ll do after the election. Probably call in to every show on Fox and just rant about how the election was stolen. What if he becomes king of a shadow government ruling over every disgruntled white male in America? And Hillary can be president of the ladies and the gays and everyone else has to just pick which America they want to live in. Am I saying that years from now this will lead to a new Civil War? No. I’m saying that will happen next March.

DEB: Do you think anyone has ever attached knives to both ends of a baton and done a twirling routine while fighting? I’ll be right back.

DEB GOES INTO THE UTILITY CLOSET.

DEB: (YELLING FROM THE CLOSET) Where’s the electrical tape? I found your Farrah Faucet mug! Never mind, I got it.

DEB EMERGES FROM THE CLOSET WITH A TWIRLING BATON WITH TWO KNIVES ATTACHED BY ELECTRICAL TAPE. DEB STARTS SINGING “GOD BLESS AMERICA” WHILE TWIRLING QUITE EFFECTIVELY.

PETE: See now this is the kind of Civil War what I’m talking about. You are violently twirling around knives while singing a jingoistic fight song while I’m just peacefully trying to… did you say you found my Farah Faucet mug?!?!

PETE RUNS INTO THE CLOSET, GRABS THE FARAH FAUCET MUG AND STARTS LOOKING AROUND

PETE: Wow! There’s so much great stuff back here! My Gloria Steinem placemat! My Hot Lips Houlihan pajamas!

PETE COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET. NOT IN THAT WAY, HE LITERALLY WALKS OUT OF THE CLOSET. HE PUTS ON HIS HOT LIPS HOULIHAN PAJAMAS.

PETE: Now you put on your pajamas and let’s have a reasonable conversation

DEB: Be right back.

DEB GOES INTO THE CLOSET AND EMERGES WEARING PAJAMAS THAT HAVE A TYRANNOSAURUS REX SHAKING HANDS WITH A TRICERATOPS.

DEB: OK, I’m ready for reasonable discourse!

DEB BEGINS TWIRLING AGAIN AND GETTING YAWNY.

DEB: I am sorry my good man, but I’m getting a bit sleepy. But before I go, let us think of Winston Churchill, who said, “In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will.”  And as far as this election season goes, I invoke Charlie Brown, “Good Grief”.

DEB FALLS ASLEEP.

PETE: Deb… Deb… Are you asleep?

SHE DOESN’T WAKE UP.

PETE: Looks like it’s just me and you, Gloria Steinem placemat… You’re looking so pretty today. Why are you always so tense? Let me give you a massage.

PETE SEDUCTIVELY PICKS UP THE GLORIA STEINEM PLACEMAT AND TRIES TO MAKE OUT WITH IT BUT THE PLACEMAT SLAPS PETE IN THE FACE.

GLORIA STEINEM PLACEMAT: How dare you? I’m reporting this to Human Resources. Come on ladies.

THE GLORIA STEINEM PLACEMAT, FARAH FAUCET MUG AND HOT LIPS HOULIHAN PAJAMAS EXIT THE ROOM, LEAVING PETE HUMILIATED, MUGLESS AND NAKED.

PETE: Huh. Now I know how Trump voters feel.

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - The Democratic National Convention

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed on their home computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided that they would talk about the Democratic National Convention. They wrote on July 27th 2016.

PETE: I was going to start by talking about Hillary officially getting the nomination but screw the history that was made last night, Trump made history today by being the first presidential candidate to openly call for another government to hack his political opponent’s emails. This whole election is like someone put a Robert Ludlum novel and a script for The Young and The Restless in a blender and poured it out onto the 24-hour cable channels. What the F?

DEB: What if Joe Biden threw his hat in the ring tonight? I mean let’s get crazy up in here. I just want to go to the CNN Grill and order a Brook Baldwin BLT and have a John King of Beers to drown my sorrows. Then I’ll get brave and order a Donna Brazillian. (That’s off the menu). International diplomacy aside, I am mainly fascinated with the CNN Grill. I really want to go there for our next date night. It looks like there is a lot of plastic and paper cups but everyone is dressed pretty nice so the food must be pretty classy. I’ve heard good things about the Don Lemon-aid, the Elliot Spritzer, the David Gergenkin pickles, and the Wolf Blitzer (not a food item, he just eats with you, which is a delight.)

No matter what kind of drama is stirred up this week, no one can change the fact that a woman is the nominee of a major party. That matters. And, by the way, just in case there is not enough going on to worry about, they are releasing John Hinckley Jr. Remember him? He shot Reagan. And Jim Brady. And two secret service officers.  What about all the inmates serving very long sentences for minor offences who may never get out? What the F indeed!

PETE: Oh my god, what if Biden did get up there, took off his shirt, smeared his face with war paint and dared anyone to come up there and fight him for the presidency? It’s all so crazy and the fact that CNN has a travelling bar and grill at the conventions is just as crazy as anything else. Billy Joel could write an updated version of “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about just the last month and it would be 20 minutes long.

DEB: Wait – It’s a traveling bar and grill? Can I follow it around like a Phish tour?

PETE: Totally. Last week Cleveland, this week Philly, then next weekend they’ll be on a giant farm in upstate New York. I’m going to take a bunch of molly and see if I can get Anderson Cooper to play “Tight Black T-Shirt”.

DEB: The Coop can do anything. I’d love to share a plate of Anna Navarro Nachos with that guy. So will the CNN Bar and Grill be at the Libertarian Convention?

PETE: No, the Libertarians already had their convention actually. Gary Johnson beat 20 other men and women in a bong making contest and swore an oath to dismantle the government with his hand on Ayn Rand’s personal copy of The Fountainhead.

At this moment if I ask you who do you think is going to win the election what would you say? Remember, Trump has the Russians secretly reading this while we write so be careful what you say.

DEB: First of all, thanks for Mikhail Baryshnikov He was amazing in Sex and the City. Secondly, I never finished Anna Karenina and I’m sorry about that. I was living in Chicago and taking a lot of trains on snowy nights. Too close. Thirdly, can you get me a discount on Viking River Cruise through Moscow?

PETE: Yes, I’d also like to tell the Russians how much I loved Moscow on the Hudson, a very underrated Robin Williams movie. And borscht. Soup made entirely of mashed up beets? Yum! Why didn’t anyone else think of that? (PETE ROLLS HIS EYES SO RUSSIAN HACKERS CAN’T SEE.)

But you didn’t answer my question… Who’s gonna win?

DEB: Well… I don’t want to jinx anything. So I’m not going to say. But I will say, take nothing for granted and get the vote out. Are you concerned at all about Gary Johnson taking a lot of votes away from Hillary? Enough to make a difference? By the way, doesn’t Gary Johnson sound like an Australian name?

PETE: Totally. He sounds like a surfer from Melbourne. Look into that, Russian hackers.

I agree about the election. Someone on twitter wrote this week that they’d be OK with Trump leading in the polls for the next two months just to drive liberals, Democrats and all sane people who want there to be existence past January 20th, 2017 to register voters, get activated and then have Hillary surge in the fall. Maybe that’d be OK but it would make me INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS over the next few months. Still, I don’t know if would-be Hillary people vote for Johnson. I think maybe he’s Republicans’ other option if they can’t get themselves to vote for Trump.

DEB: That makes sense. The surfer part, I mean. It seems like many people who are “Never Hillary” aren’t even aware of him. I guess they are on a tight budget. Let’s face it, if you want a Gary Johnson T-Shirt, you’re gonna have to make it yourself.

PETE: Yeah, I feel like if he can get into the debates it’ll be a shit show. No idea who it harms more. The thing is –

SUDDENLY BILLY JOEL ENTERS THE ROOM WITH A TINY PORTABLE CASIO KEYBOARD SLUNG ACROSS HIS CHEST. HE SINGS.

BILLY JOEL: Gary Johnson, Donald Trump, National Convention bump. Email hack, Bubba’s back, lives that matter can be black –

PETE: Oh crap…

DEB: This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

BILLY JOEL: You should’ve seen me in Russia!

A MAN’S VOICE WITH A RUSSIAN ACCENT IS HEARD OVER AN INTERCOM.

MAN’S VOICE (SINGING): Back in the USSR!  (SPEAKING) I was at that concert! It was amazing, citizen!

DEB: Did we get a new intercom system and a new doorman?

PETE: First of all, you guys are talking about Billy Joel’s 1987 album, Konstert, live from Leningrad. And second - Ah!!! The Russians have hacked into our building, installed an intercom system and replaced our all American doorman with a Russian stooge. Only Donald Trump, he alone, can protect us! Now I know why he’s making everyone so afraid. There’s a wolf at the door and only he can kill the wolf with his bare hands and –

BILLY JOEL: Scary wolf, um… Steppenwolf… Beowulf… I don’t know guys. Not a lot rhymes with wolf.

WOLF BLITZER ENTERS HOLDING A TRAY OF FOOD AND DRINKS

WOLF BLITZER – Order up. Two Brook Baldwin BLT’s and two John King of Beers?

PETE: Boy, this new doorman will let anyone in, huh?

MAN’S VOICE OVER INTERCOM: I ordered the borscht…

DEB: I am so happy right now. See, everything works out in the end. I guess the big life lesson here is if you are a woman in this great country, and you have a dream, it can come true. I am talking about having dinner with Wolf Blitzer, but I am sure there are other women who have bigger aspirations although I can’t imagine what could trump this.

BILLY JOEL: Dream come true, dinner for two –

PETE, DEB, WOLF BLITZER, RUSSIAN DOORMAN: Shut up, Billy Joel!

BILLY JOEL: Whatever. Belgians in the Congo! We Didn’t Start The Fire…

[qualitytimewithpeteanddeb-blog]

Quality Time With Pete and Deb - Hillary and the FBI

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife. This piece was composed on their home computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided that they would talk about the FBI not recommending criminal charges against Hillary Clinton. They wrote on July 6th 2016.

PETE: I kind of can’t believe where we are in this presidential campaign. If you read the description on the back of an airport novel you’d never buy it. “The stakes couldn’t be higher as a presidential candidate is in hot water over the lack of transparency and security risks from her private email server.” Snooze fest.

DEB: Let’s remember, Bernie is still in. I wonder what server he uses? I hope it’s secure. I don’t take any chances myself. I use the US Postal system. It takes a little longer to communicate but it is faster than the Pony Express. Although I do miss those ponies. Which reminds me, when can I get a pony?

PETE: Bernie is on TV right now talking to Wolf Blitzer. It’s the only conversation in history between two guys named Bernie and Wolf that isn’t about smoked whitefish. It’s odd, the fact that Hillary wasn’t formally charged actually could kind of come back to bite Democrats in the ass. If she was charged Democratic leaders would knocking on the door of Bernie’s VW bus saying “Hey Bern… what are your plans 3 weeks from now and would like to come to Philadelphia? Just to hang and see what happens?” The way it is now she could still run, be mortally wounded without knowing it and lose.

DEB: Nice dodging the Pony question by the way. Did you notice how I mentioned him and he appeared? Magic! (That’s the kinda thing could get a woman hanged a coupla hundred years ago). Hillary will run and she will win. (LONG PAUSE. CRICKETS.) Right? Anybody? Is this thing on? I feel like I’m shopping at The Enthusiasm Gap here. I’m buying a lot of grey shapeless t-shirts on sale. We need to get fired up! (To myself) I gotta get one of those microphones that has the applause button built in it.

PETE: So does Jeb Bush. Please clap… (CRICKETS) And I didn’t dodge the pony question. I ignored it. NO PONY FOR YOU! We already have a cat and are getting a dog. I’m not going to be outnumbered by animals in my own home. Fortunately for Hillary she’s running against a straight up bonkers crazy delusional race-baiting narcissist. You gotta wonder what Kasich and Rubio and Bush and Paul and any of them are thinking right now. Other than, “Please God, don’t let reporters ask me who I’m voting for.”

DEB: I’m sure this has all been upsetting for them. They all have had pretty successful careers as politicians then someone comes along out of the blue and wipes them out. I wonder who will come to the convention? I have a feeling it’s going to be like a really dysfunctional family reunion. Do they serve booze there? Then we’ve got ourselves a Grand Old Party!

PETE: I don’t think any of those guys I mentioned are going. They all “accidentally” made vacation plans that week and will be staying at the same Sandals in Turks and Caicos, sharing one of those giant skull heads with rum punch inside, drowning their sorrows and dreaming of 2020. You know who will be at the convention? Mike Tyson and Bobby Knight, so cover your ears and bolt down your chairs cause shit’s gonna get crazy!

DEB: Uuuuuuhhhhh. I don’t mean to sound like an alarmist, but I don’t think it’s safe for any women or young basketball players to attend this convention. (A woman could be hanged for saying that a coupla hundred years ago, or maybe more recently.) I’m confused, is the convention a get together for bullies? Is Bugs Meany gonna show up? What about Carlo Rizzi? Virgil Sollozo? Don Barzini?  Somebody’s gotta answer for Santino!

PETE: By the way, with Trump’s big game hunting sons there your precious pony should stay away too. It’s like Trump is using his guest list to highlight his mean, aggressive unpredictability. He’s also inviting Biff from “Back To The Future”, Johnny from “The Karate Kid”, the Alpha Betas from “Revenge Of The Nerds”, all the Heathers from “Heathers” and Chevy Chase from real life.

DEB: Wow. Maybe he could book Up With People just to even things out a little bit. OK, speaking of my little pony, I was just looking at an actual old timey (yes, that is the correct term) ad for Pony Express Riders – “WANTED - Young, skinny, wiry fellows. Not over 18. Must be expert riders willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. $25 per week.” I’m not sure what that has to do with anything, but I just thought it was interesting. Sometimes this race for President really brings me to a low place where I read an ad like that and think, ah, simpler times.

PETE: Look, I get it. You’re all depressed because the first major female presidential candidate had a shitty week, it looks like Trump and Vice President The Guy Who Played The Headmaster In “Dead Poets Society” might get elected and I won’t get you a pony. Well I can’t do anything about the first two but…

PETE GOES OVER TO THE CLOSET, OPENS THE DOOR AND A PONY WALKS OUT. IT’S GRAY AND DISHEVELLED, IS SMOKING A CIGAR AND CONSTANTLY COUGHING.

PONY: Hey toots. How’s it going? I’m Tony the Pony (COUGH) and I wove you.

DEB: He’s perfect! I wove you too!

DEB HUGS THE PONY AND PETS HIS MANE, WHICH COMES OFF.

DEB: Oh… how… cute…he’s got a mane toupee. That is precious! No matter! I’ve got some double-sided tape that will stick that right back into place! Now, let’s go for a ride in the park!

TONY THE PONY: Yeah, I’m not really that kind of pony. I’m more of a sitting on the house and watching the World Series of Poker on ESPN kind of pony. (COUGH) Now how ‘bout you get ol’ Tony the Pony a special pony beer from the fridge? I’ll take a Coors Light, toots.

TONY THE PONY SLAPS DEB ON THE ASS AND SITS ON THE COUCH.

PETE: Hey man, don’t do that to my wife. And we don’t have Coors Light. We have Brooklyn Lager and Stella Artois.

TONY THE PONY: Then go get me some, you scrawny big nosed doofus.

DEB: Get him a drink Pete. (To the Pony) Have a seat.

TONY THE PONY SITS AWKWARDLY ON THE COUCH

DEB: I’m gonna ask you a question and I want you to answer me. Who sent you? Was it Barzini? Tataglia, Stratchi?

TONY THE PONY DOWNS HIS DRINK, PUTS IS HEAD IN HIS HOOVES AND WEEPS.

DEB: Don’t worry, Tony The Pony, what am I gonna do, send my only pony to the glue factory? Just don’t lie to me, it insults my intelligence.

TONY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

TONY: It was Barzini.

DEB: Good.

TOM HAGAN ENTERS.

DEB: You know Tom. He’s gonna escort you to a nice horse farm upstate.

TONY: I’m sorry –

DEB: Get him outta here.

TOM ESCORTS THE PONY OUT OF THE ROOM. HIS TOUPEE FALLS OFF.

TOM PICKS IT UP AND POCKETS IT.

THEY EXIT.

PETE: You know if someone hadn’t seen The Godfather they would have no idea what just happened there. I mean, I’ve seen The Godfather and I still don’t know what happened there. I guess the point is… um… Hillary is the pony and Trump is… um… an ass?

DEB: No. Stop reading into things. You need to get me a new pony!

PETE: Here we go again…