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quakeroatscinematicuniverse · 11 months ago

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1: They’re Magically Delicious

According to the old lore in even the age I was born it was said that at the end of a rainbow one could find a pot of gold hidden away by a leprechaun and that if you could find that gold you could take it for your own. However, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I sought was not one not so incipient as material wealth, nor was the rainbow one that a man might observe after a warm summer rain, which was made up of a myriad of colors. Rather that rainbow I observed and followed was colored in green chalk for Saint Patrick’s Day and it ended on the side of pub, which was where I would find my pot of gold… or where I would find my lucky charms. The pub’s entrance was at the bottom of a stairwell that led to a basement.

A light rain began to fall as I descended the stairs, causing the green chalk to wash away from the wall and begin to run along the descending stairs, where it stained in front of two swinging half-doors that led into the pub. The sign hanging above the pub read, "Lucky's," but judging by the clientele, the place was anything but...

I had not frequented such establishments in my youth, but even in my ignorance I would have known that to label such a place as a "dive bar" would be an insult to real dive bars. The bartender regarded me cautiously, I was too aware, too clean, and healthy compared to his normal patrons.

"Can I get you something ladee?" he asked as if my request would be for directions to another establishment. "Breakfast, preferably oatmeal, coffee and two shots of top shelf vodka," I replied as I neared the bar. The bar tender frowned and responded by saying that the coffee and vodka they could do, but breakfast might be a problem.

I sneered and raised my left eye brown indicating that I would not be leaving without a healthy breakfast of fine whole grain oats that were packed with life sustaining nutrition. "I will see what I can do," he said as he scrambled to kitchen after he poured two shots and a cup coffee and set in front of me. A few minutes passed while I waited and regarded my surroundings, I tried to stay patient for what I knew in my oatmeal iron fortified gut what would ensue.

A greater inspection of my surroundings revealed a motley crew of men and ...women. I typically did not notice an inherent attractiveness of the fairer sex, as I had only eyes for one woman and was determined to see her again, Mrs. Butterworth, but there was something unusual one woman that was... charming.

Despite the drunkard ruffians among them, the woman seemed joyous, full of youthful life, and color, as if the surroundings faded into a black and white background while she shone in beautiful, brilliant colors drawing all of the focus of the eye to her.

She looked as if she could not have more than in her early 20s, but her eyes bespoke of a timelessness akin to an ancient being. I quickly counted off eight shapes that adorned her and her clothing and jewelry. There were: 1) pink hearts, 2) yellow stars, 3) purple horseshoes, 4) green clovers, 5) blue moons, 6) rainbows, 7) red balloons, 8) white with blue and pink unicorns, 9) and pot of gold. I had found her, the Banshee of Breakfast, the corporeal incarnation of Lucky’s Charm Bracelet, which meant Lucky was not far away.

I regarded the Banshee of Breakfast in all her sugary glory. She was a pale woman with green hair and was lithe in stature with slightly pointed ears that could have been called “elven” if they were longer. Just then the bartender returned with a piping hot bowl of vitamin and mineral fortified oatmeal… but corrupted with marshmallows pink hearts, yellow stars, purple horseshoes, green clovers, blue moons, rainbows, red balloons, unicorns, and a pot of gold. Only Mrs. Butterworth knew the “proper” amount the sweetness that one could add to oatmeal for maximum fortitude and taste. The marshmallows had ruined a perfect breakfast…

The man next me swung on his barstool and dropped his glamor spell inherent of all the Fae-Folk to reveal himself to be the man… or that is he was the leprechaun I sought. He was pale as the Banshee of Breakfast and dressed in nearly all green with a top hat adorned with four-leaf clover… and a small skull. He had dark red hair and beard, and he was of slightly below average height. He could pass as an average Irishman if not for the timeless and ageless look in his eyes. He took a drag from tall glass of green dyed wholesome milk and then spoke. “So, you’re after me lucky charms.” I only nodded, knowing what was about to ensure, nonetheless he spoke. “You know that many a child has tried, few have succeeded, and all have come to regret it.” I nodded again, knowing of the madness that could come when wielding the powerful magic of the lucky charms.

“I don’t have choice, in battle of breakfast there can be only one… and he has her. I will not stop, and I will sacrifice any and everything and have her back and again secure a tasty, nutritious and wholesome breakfast,” I said solemnly. The leprechaun only signed, “You can’t beat me, I am Lucky for a reason… and you will never get her back. If she has been taken by him then she is gone. It is through the will of the ever-growing breakfast loving population that he has grown powerful beyond measure. The breakfast barons bend knee to him and perhaps only with the collective power of all of us could you hope to defeat him.” Suddenly his eyes widened at the scope of my ambitions. All I said was, “Salve Prandium,” … and Banshee of Breakfast screamed, which shattered the mug of whole milk held by Lucky, and which nearly shattered my ear drums as her corporeal form dissipated and her spectral essence reconstituted into the charm bracelet on Lucky’s wrist, which empowered it.

I drew my spell-caster cannon, which contained oatmeal infused spell ammunition for battling magical beings. It was a weapon for those with no magic of their own but needed to cast spells. I fired a round imbued with essence of iron, an essential vitamin for a healthy breakfast, which could nullify the magic of the Fae-Folk. However, Lucky was faster and uttered the words to a spell that activated his charm bracelet, “They’re magically delicious,” and four-leaf clover shield appeared before him that absorbed my round, but the essence of iron nullified the four-leaf clover shield and Lucky quickly prepared to cast another spell. I quickly dove behind the bar and reloaded my caster cannon with a lightening round, which had been created by old friend Benjamin Franklin. He knew the value of a hardy breakfast.

I heard Lucky utter the words to a summoning spell, which ended with the word, “Night-Mare,” and the horseshoe and unicorn charms on his bracelet lit up with black light, and a black fog filled the room and a unicorn as black as midnight appeared out of the black fog. The horse had purple eyes and purple horseshoes that left fiery imprints on the floor as it walked towards me. I unloaded my lighting round into it, but the forked lightning merely dissipated around the midnight unicorn and discharged into the ground through its purple horseshoes.

The Night-Mare screamed and with fanged teeth as it attempted to bite into my exposed neck, but I dove to the side, dropping my expended cartridge and loading another with a "thump," sound. It was a highly powerful brown sugar round, a common addition to oatmeal for a flavorful breakfast, and I unloaded it into Night-Mare and where it struck a black hole appeared that sucked in everything within three meters, tables, beer mugs, parts of the bar and patrons that had not been wise enough to immediately run to the door when the fighting started.

Most importantly the Night-Mare was spaghettified and sucked into the black hole as well. I quickly loaded a steel cut oatmeal round into my caster, but Lucky was faster and from his outstretched hand he shot a rain rainbow that cut through the tavern like a laser, but I side stepped and strode faster than he could aim his rainbow and closed the distance towards him and dove as I unleashed the steel cut oatmeal round into his left side, which caused his rainbow spell to fizzle and him to scream out in pain. I was back on my feet quickly, but not before Lucky could cast another spell. I saw the heart on the charm bracelet light up, which increased Lucky's tolerance to pain, and increased his endurance and speed. He moved on me like daemon summoned a Star Mace from his charm bracelet to bash in my skull. However, I caught it on the down stroke with my caster and batted it away. I deftly kicked Lucky in the side where I had shot him with the oatmeal round, which knocked him to the ground.

I believe he knew he was nearly beaten and activated the blue diamond on his charm bracelet, which temporarily made his skin as hard as diamonds. Nonetheless, I blasted him with another oatmeal round, which rebounded off him harmlessly as he made for the door of the pub. However, I was hot on his heels and made it outside the bar just in time to see him activate the balloon on his charm bracelet, which caused the incarnation of a pink balloon with a basket that Lucky jumped into to escape me.

I ran and jumped just in time to grab the basket and dangled by one hand as Lucky kicked at it to cause me to loosen my grip. Despite the kicking I was able to grasp the basket with my other hand and I swung into the basket to again bring the fight to Lucky. However, his diamond skin spell had not yet worn off and my blows rebounded off him harmlessly.

However, his blows were anything but harmless. He engaged in a combative style typical of an old fighting that reminded me of the Notre Dame mascot. With a right hook he caught me in the jaw and then with a left-handed hay maker he knocked me over and to the bottom of the basket as we ascended higher into the night sky. I heard him cast another spell as his diamond armor faded as he reactivated the star charm and brass knuckles in the shape of stars on each of his fingers suddenly adorned his hand. He moved over me to finish his bloody work, but I kicked up viciously into his charms, which caused him to double over, and I came up to hit him with a wicked uppercut, which knocked him over onto his back. I moved over him and drew my caster cannon loaded with a round of nutritious whole grain oats and had him dead to rights. He weakly raised his charm bracelet adorned hand and he threatened to deactivate the balloon charm and cause us both to fall to our deaths. I cocked my caster and spoke, "There can only be one in the war for breakfast." “-But it won't be you,” said the leprechaun. "Fuck you Lucky Charms," was all I said as I pulled trigger and Lucky's head exploded into a mass of blood, brain, bits of skull and whole grain steel cut oats...

#Lucky Charms

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quakeroatscinematicuniverse · 1 year ago

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FOREWARD: SALVE PRANDIUM

Make no mistake, this is not your happy fun times sugary sweet breakfast of your youth, this is the grim dark gritty reboot of a reality with origins from the distant past, but that which holds maximum significance to the future of breakfast. The following is not the introduction to the dark and gritty reboot of the Quaker Oats expanded cinematic universe we need, but it is the grim-dark Quaker Oats expanded universe we deserve...Salve Prandium.

...

The tales you will come to know comprise the untold, "true," past, contemporary, and future history of the Quaker Oats Guy that have been lost, or more accurately, removed from our American History by an unseemly, "Cabal," of spoiled (milk) breakfast aristocrats, cereal bosses, sugar tyrants, and food pyramid overlords.

The Quaker Oats Guy will battle them all in the unending fight for a hardly and healthy breakfast. However, the Cabal are not his only concern, as he must contend with other caricatures of the dark breakfast expanded universe that seek to assert their own dominance over the sacred morning meal. Despite their apparent harmless appearance in contemporary pop culture, especially the Pop's Cereal Frog, they have delved deep beneath the shroud of physical reality and into a supernatural world formed by the collective will and beliefs of the entire breakfast eating population.

Their further delving into worlds beyond worlds has endowed them the unnatural powers and dealings with dark forces have endowed them with powers that will test the Quaker Oats Guy to the limits of his strength of will and faith in a high fiber and nutritious breakfast.

In order take his revenge on the Cabal, and to find his long-lost love, Mrs. Butterworth, the Quaker Oats Guy will wage a battle for a noble breakfast and the very future of humanity by facing the unholy breakfast mascots of excess and debauchery, and defeating them to acquire their power as, "there can be only one, in the war for breakfast."

In his quest he will confront a myriad of breakfast trials and tribulations, such as the unholy magic wrought by Lucky Charms, the twisted sorcery of the Trix Rabbit, and the hordes of Count Chocula's rampaging pastry golems and dark chocolate revenants. However, little does the Cabal suspect that Count Chocula has aims of his own to overthrow their rule to become the unrivaled baron of breakfast. Nonetheless, if the Quaker Oats Guy can overcome his own inner daemons, if he can rise above the trapping of his morally intransigent youth, he may come find allies even among his sworn enemies, such as a self-styled Pirate-King of crunch known as, "The Captain," and together he may reclaim the heart and soul of his lost love, Ms. Butterworth, and secure the future for an essential vitamin rich and mineral fortified, healthy and hardy breakfast of whole grain oats.

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