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[qedtanya]

[qedtanya]

No title

looking at photos, i can't help but be

happy and a little sad too

smiling so beautiful in your white wedding dress

embarking on your brand new adventure

sadness enters my heart as i remember

that i'll never see your smile or hear your laugh

that life will never be the same again

God help me

i'm moored in grief

putting on a happy face for the rest of the world

[qedtanya]

Letter to my baby (30) girl

Dear Katy Beth,

From the day you were born, I knew we'd have a special bond. You weren't the boy your "sperm donor" wanted and you weren't EVER going to be taken away from me. I named you Kaitlynn because I wanted a different spelling of Caitlin, which is means pure. You were the purest thing I ever did. I didn't deserve to be your mom, but out of all the moms there, I was the lucky one. The one to be chosen by such a shining soul, such a happy little girl from your first breath. Sure there were times when you were a baby that you cried so much that I had to lock myself in an empty room just to get your DNA donor to take care of you, but even then, I loved you.

I remember when you were little and used to beg me to carry you everywhere. I remember when you were an adolescent and you'd claim to be old enough to do what you wanted. I remember when you were a teenager and couldn't keep your room clean, take a shower or confide in me. I also remember that no matter how mad we got at each other, you never said, "I hate you" like other teenagers. You never stopped talking to me (until that one time when you were like 19 - and we won't go into that!). You never made me feel like I was anything less than your hero. But you are mine. So funny, so full of life, so loving and unique. I miss you so much.

Some people used to question us. Used to question how I could love "someone like you" meaning because you were gay, I shouldn't. But how could I not? How could I not love someone so full of happy? So joyous and with the IDGAF attitude that you faced the world with? So generous, kind and just a damn good person? How could anyone not love that? It hurts me to think that there are others like you out there in the world whose parents have turned their back on them just because they are so close-minded and can't see the beautiful human being in front of them.

How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without you in it? How am I supposed to act like everything is okay when I can't call you or text you? What is the point of life now? I feel as though the only way I am living is because other people need me now. Your grandpa, your sister, your aunt, your husband. I can't even get through a day without crying and thinking about you every single minute. My heart hurts so much. My chest feels like there's an empty space inside it now. And all this is selfish and I know you wouldn't want me to think of it this way but how can I not?

They never prepare you for the loss of a child, your favorite child. I know you aren't supposed to have favorites, but you were and are and always will be. You made me a better woman, human being and mom just for being you. I learned so many lessons from you that I promise I will try to utilize every day. Your kindness, generosity, spirit and love. You are the only thing that made my life worth living and I'll try to pay that forward to others but it's going to be hard. It's going to hurt like hell every day to live without you. But I'll try. Eventually. Not right now because it's only been 8 days and I still can't think straight. I love you so much Katy Beth. You were my sunshine and all the sun has gone out of my life now. I wish we could have one last chance to be silly together, to sing at a Garth concert, to argue about stupid things. Mostly, I wish for one last hug and to hear your voice tell me, "I love you momma." I just hope you're in Heaven right now talking your great gramma into letting you color your hair, getting lots of cuddles from Maggie and walking around on two strong legs. You were, and always will be the best part of me. I love you.

~ Mom

[qedtanya]

Living in China during the time of coronavirus

I have been living in China since 2014. I lived in Beijing, Shanghai and now Suzhou. I haven’t always liked living in China and it took me a while to get used to but now I enjoy it. It’s different. It’s unusual. It changes on a daily basis. I never get tired of people watching or shaking my head at unusual outfits. I am always surprised by men peeing in public. I have stopped wondering why there are children running around (toddlers and babies) with their butts and other parts exposed. And yet, there are some things that I still wonder about. Like, why do they eat everything so spicy? How is drinking hot water any better for you than Midol for cramps? Why is eating ice cream during your period a no-no? On saying that, I am glad that I live in China at this time - well, mostly. 

On January 21, my school was released for the Chinese New Year Holiday. We were supposed to return to classes on February 5. Instead, the coronavirus happened. I am not going to go into a long, drawn out explanation as to why it happened (no, it wasn’t because someone ate a bat) because you probably know as much as I do about that but I am going to say that the response by the people of China is about as reassuring as a warm hug from your grandma. Folks in the US are going nuts right now buying up stocks of TP, hand sanitizer, wipes, etc., but this didn’t happen here. People went about their normal lives, with the exception of wearing masks. Then limiting their time outdoors. Then not going out at all. From my balcony on the sixth floor of my building, between the hours of seven o’clock and nine you can usually hear children screaming and laughing as they play in the courtyard. For the past two months it’s been silent. During Chinese New Year things usually quiet down anyway as this is an opportunity for most Chinese to return to their hometowns, but this was eerily silent. Deathly quiet. Scary. Highly unusual for even the CNY holiday.

In China, things are relatively easy to get delivered straight to your door (I hope the US catches up! This introvert loves not having to leave the house). I can get food delivery, coffee, and even my cat food and cat litter all right to my door within a day or two if not within 30 minutes. During this time, there has been none. I’m not complaining, I’m just mentioning it to emphasize the changes. Going out to the market was always fun because you had to wear a mask, have your temperature checked and had to be very careful about where you went because a lot of places closed. Everywhere you went, there were temperature checks. People offering sanitizer wipes. People cleaning and sanitizing everything. No one was buying a year’s worth of toilet paper or water. No one was fighting to get the last bottle of Purell. Things were orderly and people were helpful. Citizens pulling together to support each other (Wuhan Jiayou!) and people who were virtual strangers helping others in times of need. 

Yet, I went to the US because I was scared. My family wanted me to be safe so I flew home (thanks Dad). I got to spend four amazing weeks with my family and friends. I relaxed and hung out with those that were most important to me. I still had to work every night from 6:00pm onwards - but that’s because I was teaching classes online to kids in Asia. Time difference really sucks but I survived. I adjusted. I learned how to use Zoom to teach my students the important stuff even if we weren’t face to face in the classroom. I use Edmodo, CommonLit.org, NoRedInk.com and a wealth of other sites to make my inquiry and learning fun and engaging and the exact same as I would in the classroom. But - I had to return to China. 

I flew from Houston, Texas to Atlanta, then Seoul. All flights were really good and such. Had a 5 hour layover in Seoul. No big deal, no worries, no additional stress.

Flew to Shanghai PVG and landed about 12:30pm on March 8. Korean Air was really good about letting us know that we'd be waiting on the tarmac for a certain amount of time while all were going through customs and additional health screenings. We were deplaned about 10-15 people at a time. They continually updated us on estimated wait time.

Got off the plane and was directed through to security and what have you by hazmat suited employees all the way to immigration. First step: download whatever app they said to download and get a QR code. Then wait in line to get screened for a sticker for your passport. They either gave you yellow or red. I don't know the significance but I got yellow. The process was pretty easy as they just asked you questions and took your temperature. Second step: Wait in line to go through the temperature detector and to be asked more questions before going through immigration. Immigration procedures are the same but the wait was much shorter as they only let few people through at a time and they are very strict about how far apart you stand from each other. A lady and her kids behind me got yelled at for standing too close :) Third: go through immigration and get your bags as usual. (One of my bags didn't make it from Atlanta so I had to fill in more paperwork.) Finally - freedom, right? NOPE! You're directed to more lines where even more paperwork awaits and then, as I was coming to Jiangsu, they said I had to wait for a bus to take me to a motel in Kunshan where any driver I had arranged for was supposed to pick me up. Another hour of waiting for the bus. Then what seemed like a mile long hike to the bus, get on the bus, they take us to the Shanghai Hongqiao Exposition Center - wait there for an undetermined amount of time while they are calling people off the bus for who knows what. Finally, I'm told that another bus will take me directly to my apartment complex. All frustrating, but not too bad. Just a LOT of wait time and I didn't get home to my apartment complex until around 6:40pm. When I arrived, I was again, asked to fill in more paperwork, yelled at because I took my mask off to smoke a cigarette, and had to put my realtor in contact with the social workers or they wouldn't let me in to my apartment even though I had my residence papers.

All well and good. I'm here with my fur babies now and we've settled in for the 14-day quarantine. I am on day 7 and it hasn’t been too bad because I do have my babies (Robbie and Frida are my cats) to keep me company and I’ve been keeping in touch with friends through WeChat and FaceTime. But I’m hearing about the things going on in the US right now and I’m honestly shaking my head at the way people are acting. Are selfishness, stupidity and ‘every man for him/herself’ really the characteristics we want to portray? Well, none of my business I guess. I am only responsible for my own actions, thoughts and deeds. But, geez people. Get a grip. 

For those of you teachers out there, I have been where you are, I still am. But I have some experience as I’ve been doing this for six weeks now. No, we don’t know when we will be back in the classroom. I’m thinking the end of March but who knows. I just know that I look forward to the day that I am able to interact face-to-face with my students again. Good luck to you!

[qedtanya]

Hi

Watch my latest lesson on Educreations!

[qedtanya]

I'm home! I'm in Houston and will be in SA in a few days.

[qedtanya]

Saying hello from Beijing! - http://flipagram.com/f/KtDnyVy5Z9

[qedtanya]

Beijing

Okay, so I know that I said I was going to write often but since I've been here it's been absolutely crazy! We have had so many activities to do on a daily basis, that I haven't had time to think let alone write. Anyway, here's an update. The city is very smoggy but we've had a few days of sunshine. I have been walking everywhere! I have taken the subway once, but have yet to take the bus. I probably walk 2 to 3 Km per day. It feels great to get some exercise, and I think I am losing some weight! On my travels I have yet to see anything interesting. I have just gone places like the mall, the grocery store, and out to eat dinner. However, that is changing this weekend. I am going to Xi'an, which is where the terra-cotta Warriors are. We are taking the slow train on Friday night, and taking the bullet train back on Sunday. It should be an interesting experience. Work is amazing. I have five classes that I teach over a 10 day cycle and they change on a daily basis. Some days I teach all five, some days I have two. It's really interesting to have this type of change happen and one never knows what to expect. MYP curriculum isn't a lot different but the grading sure is! It's totally subjective and on an 8 point scale. No 50, 60 or 70's for these kids, it's rather a 3, 4 or higher. And they actually do their homework! And email me to ask questions on the weekend.... Wow! So far, I'm loving it and hope to continue doing so.... Until next time.....

[qedtanya]

Leaving on a jet plane

Sitting here on the plane taxiing to takeoff and trying really hard not to cry. I just left six of the most important people in my life behind while I go out and seek a new adventure. What the hell did I do? My youngest is starting college, my oldest is planning a wedding, my dad just retired, my best friend is going through different shit and my adopted child and her son are living on their own.... I'm flying to another country??? What am I crazy? I know this is supposed to be an adventure, I know I've always wanted to travel.... I just didn't know I would feel this way.... No empathy or sympathy needed. I just needed to vent.

[qedtanya]

Wow!!!

I made it! I'm in China, still on the plane but I'm here. The flight was pretty uneventful except for my seat mate who had to go to the bathroom every hour. The food sucked but I watched Draft Day and the second Captain America movie which were both great. Better that that, I'm about to land and embark on a new adventure, so why do I feel so lost?

[qedtanya]

Traveling

Well, this will be my last post until Beijing.... Maybe :-) I haven't decided whether or not I'll check in when I get to Detroit. I hope you all send your prayers and happy thoughts!

[qedtanya]

Last weekend in the US

So I made it to Houston. Late, but I made it. I leave for China in three days, which means two more days of American food and shopping... not that I have the money to shop! Ah well, had my last steak dinner, yummy! And spending time watching football with my dad... Well, he's watching football anyway! (Can the Texans get any worse???) tomorrow, my family is coming over for burgers and brats and then Monday I hopefully get to spend time with Kate. I'll keep you posted!

[qedtanya]

Life is an adventure

That's what everyone keeps saying and I know it's true. That doesn't mean I'm not still scared, sad, nervous and excited all at the same time. It seems surreal that my life is just starting to be livable and now I'm changing everything; the places I go, the people I know and how I live. One thing I am so grateful for are the friends and family that I've had during the last nine years in San Antonio. Without all the love and support that I've received, I would not be the person I am today. Many thanks, and remember, my love and friendship is always with you and I carry each one of you in my heart. Ami, Courtney, Jason, Katie and Nicholas: I will miss you most. I love you so very much and am so proud of the adults you've become (except Nicholas... I'm proud of his two-year-old self!) Winner's Club: you have been the family I didn't know I needed. Without you, the program and God, I would never have been brave enough to take this step...the first one is the hardest, right? I love you all. Jones teachers: thank you for putting up with me! Julie & Scott: you are my best friends. Thank you for all you've done to help me grow as a human being and hopefully become a bit more organized! I love you. NT: I will always be your friend. I love you and wish you the best!

[qedtanya]

Five days

I leave in five days. I'm really nervous. I know I'll be okay but I'm still scared. Any words of wisdom???

[qedtanya]

New Blog

So this is my new blog site. I will post all my adventures in China here so that all can know what I'm doing. I will have to say bye bye Facebook in August! That's really going to suck but I can deal with anything that comes my way! :)