qdtapologiesaccepted

[qdtapologiesaccepted]

Sorry not Sorry

Inspired by V - playwright, performer, feminist, and activist, best known for The Vagina Monologues and The Apology.

‘Ok I’m sorry’

‘What?’ ‘I said

‘I’m sorry alright’

‘Who is this?’

‘It’s me’

‘Me…?’

‘Mike, Pater, Dad.…who else would it be? Don’t you recognise my voice?

‘Yes I do but you…I mean you are… ’

‘Dead? Yes I’m aware of that thank you.’

‘So you’re speaking from…’

‘I don’t have time to explain. I’m here to apologise and that’s it’

‘Ok…what do you…I mean… what are you sorry for exactly?’

‘I was afraid you would ask that. Can’t I just give you a blanket apology and you can apply that to any appropriate situations?’

‘I mean… no, I definitely need you to be more specific’

‘I’m sorry for the things you think I did wrong’

‘The things I think you did wrong? Okay like what?

‘Like being a bad father blah blah blah because I didn’t talk about my feelings blah blah blah because I was wasn’t around when you needed me blah blah blah’

‘I’ve got to say this doesn’t sound very sincere – is somebody making you do this? Is this some kind of after-life test you have to do in order to get closer to the cheese and biscuits?’

‘No I’m an atheist I didn’t believe in that shit – and I was right too.’

‘So what is… where you are?

‘No questions’

‘OK… So let me get this right, you are sorry because you were poor primary care giver, you lacked interest in parenting and failed to step up as any kind of role model. You could not bear any type of vulnerability in us and your own vulnerability made you feeble and selfish. You refused to make any concessions or changes in your life when you had children and you were only interested in us when it suited you.’

‘If you say so, but I don’t think all of that is fair. We spent time together.’

‘When we had to because I was a child and you were the only adult available.’

‘We went out to town, swimming and to parks’

‘Yes I remember falling in the pond in the centre of town and the drips from my clothes forming rivers on the top deck of the bus. I remember cutting my knees in a park so badly I still have scars and you taking me to east fish and chips while I was still crying. I remember going swimming with your creepy friends and being told I was too loud, too fat, that I was showing off and it was no wonder I didn’t have any friends’

‘I bought you toys, we were always in the toy shop’

‘Oh yes the toys and then the 20 pound notes left on my bedside table while I was asleep and then later the random deposits made in my account with no warning. The guilt money, the money that said you can’t be angry with me anymore and we don’t have to discuss this any further. That money was a form of apology I suppose…am I to expect a large and unexpected windfall after this conversation? Should I buy a lottery ticket?’

‘I’m not God for fucks sake.’

‘No but your fear, anger and hatred did feel omnipotent and suffocating when I was a young girl struggling to develop my own ideas, thoughts and expectations. You resented us for being imperfect, for being human and for having complex needs and desires. You hated it when we reflected back to you the weaknesses we learnt from you, you are not God but you created us in your image and then hated us for reminding you of your own failings.’

‘You always expected too much, you still do. I had a hard life too you know. No father, outcast at school, married young, lost my child…’

‘And I am the one that carries that grief and fear and anger now. You didn’t try hard enough. Sometimes it felt like you didn’t try at all.’

‘Are you finished?’

‘No… You were lazy and angry, weak and scared and I am a better parent, partner, friend and human than you ever were, in spite of you. There I’m done for now.’

‘I hope this is easier with the other one’

‘Oh…you are speaking to other people, other children?’

‘This isn’t just about you, you know. You’ve always been so self-obsessed.’

‘I wonder where I got that from?’  ‘And what about the child that died?  What about him?’

‘He’s lost and gone we don’t talk about him’

‘Right he’s not…with you?

‘I can’t stand your pedestrian ideas about death – do you think I’m in some black hole sized room with every person who’s ever died and I just happen to bump into people I know?’

‘I don’t know….it’s not something I’ve ever really given much thought to’

‘You will’

‘So will I hear from you again? It is a three wishes type scenario where you get a few chances or more like prison…perhaps you should have called a lawyer instead.’

‘I said no further questions’

‘Sure thing old man’