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pzysm · 13 hours ago

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Warmth of Your Fingers PT.2 (STP Human AU Fic)

Part One

He told himself it would be easy to forget about Sebastian. It was easy to block someone out of your mind with enough practice.

But Calder couldn't.

He tried, he really did, to get back to his normal life, but now everything felt tainted with Sebastian's mark. Even if nothing had physically changed that much, everything just felt different just by being exposed to Sebastian's presence.

Calder needed to forget it all. This strange time in his life was over, and now he needed to file it away deep within him, just like with the rest of his useless emotions and memories.

He tried to get back to his normal routine, tried to work up the energy to go to parties or wander the city at night with no goal in sight. But then he would have to face the reality of coming home, and having nobody there to talk to or feel for himself.

So Calder stopped going out.

If something wasn't interesting him anymore, why bother? Why bother going out when nothing excites him anymore? Not when the only thing that he still craved to feel was- him.

But wanting something like that was idiotic, even for Calder.

So he just went to college and then came straight home to bed. That was all Calder had the energy for these days.

He barely moved around his apartment much, only tossing his bag away and heading straight to his bed, cocooning himself in blankets to try and block out the world and the stubborn longing in his chest.

He could forget this, if he had enough time. No feeling was too personal to detach from- some just took longer than others, and Calder was a very patient person, even if he hated it.

He'll numb how it felt to not be looked at like a freak. He'll push away the sounds of loud laughter and poetic declarations.

He'll turn the longing in his heart into ice, no matter how unique and terrifying it was to Calder.

He hadn't counted how many days had passed, but he knew he got a lot of messages and calls that he ignored. He only answered one person's message- Percy's, and it was just to reassure him that Calder was alive, and simply wanted to be alone, which meant that Sebastian was no longer allowed to crash there.

He hated the small part of him that wished Sebastian would surprise him, and ignore his wishes.

But Sebastian was so nice, and that was the problem.

After a while, Calder started to forget that he was actually alive and on this planet, which meant that he should probably eat. He hadn't gone out of his room enough to check his sticky notes, and he didn't particularly want to see how badly he had messed up his schedule.

Percy would probably tell him that getting back to a routine would help him get over this, but Calder didn't want that, because a new routine had been created, that sent his whole body aflame, and it was taking awhile to forget.

Calder sat up with a groan, the darkness of his room welcoming him. His whole body felt weak, and his stupid hair was greasy and matted, clinging to his face. He's certain that if he looked in a mirror, his hair would look beyond ugly. Good.

Calder sighed and wrapped a blanket around him, needing something to cling to and keep him all together. He stood up on shaky legs, and a wave of dizziness overcame him that he desperately chased, before it went away soon after.

It was probably for the best. Calder's not sure what that would say about him, if his issue was that serious that he needed to physically break down his body to forget. No, Calder wasn't that pathetic.

He didn't bother turning on his lights, slowly walking out of his bedroom and into his too bright living room.

He moaned in pain and squeezed his eyes shut, his feet going on auto pilot to take him to the kitchen.

He opened his eyes just in time to reach out and grab the handle of the fridge, yanking it open and peering inside in boredom.

Calder remembers, on that certain night, reaching into his fridge and pulling out all the food that belonged to Sebastian and dumping them- which turned out to be quite a decent chunk of his fridge.

He dumped them, not because they reminded him of Sebastian, but because Calder wanted nothing more than to inhale all of it, to bite into and swallow all the sweetness that Calder had left in the world. He wanted just a taste of Sebastian.

But Calder's hunger went far deeper than that, and he feared how addicted he would become if he went down that path, so the bin was where all that food and cravings went.

He sighed as he realised how barren his fridge now was, and whatever contents were left were definitely expired at this point.

Whatever. He'll just order something.

He slammed the fridge door shut with a huff, whirling around to retreat back to his bedroom- when his eyes caught something blurry and bright as he turned.

He stopped, then turned back around, only to find a pink sticky note stuck to his fridge door, amongst all his usual yellow ones.

Calder stared, then blinked when his eyes hurt. This couldn't be real.

He took a step closer, cautiously reaching a hand out, half hoping that his mind was just playing tricks on him. But his finger touched the simple sticky note, and it easily came off when Calder gave it the slightest of tugs.

He stared down at the note, at the clean, precise handwriting, as if the person didn't want their message to be anything other than clear and loud.

The note just read- 'Hope you enjoy your food! Make sure to savour every bite!' along with a little heart at the end.

He knew who wrote this. He just didn't want to say it.

Calder let the note slip from his fingers and float to the ground, and he rigidly turned around, his brain now paying attention to every detail of his house.

Immediately, he spotted them. They stuck out like a sore thumb now that Calder was looking for them. Had he been that out of it?

He pulled every pink sticky note off the walls, taking in the message, in all the silly little hearts or stars or smiley faces that were drawn next to them.

'Have an amazing day- you're going to do brilliantly!'

'You should treat yourself today! You deserve to try things as sweet as you!'

'Maybe hum your favourite song if you're bored! Your voice is lovely!'

One by one, they floated to the ground, but the warmth they made in his chest only grew and grew.

When had they gotten here? How long had they been stuck to his walls, just waiting for Calder to read them?

Why were they here in the first place?

Now Calder was getting nervous, but he didn't know why. He crumpled the last note in his palm, hating how bright the little pieces of paper were and how empty it made his apartment look- like only a ghost lived here, and not Calder.

His eyes were pinned to his bedroom door, and although the thought unnerved him, Calder knew nothing would change unless he got a grip.

So he tightened his hold on his blanket, and he opened his bedroom door.

Instantly, his hand shot out to flick the light on, and he couldn't help the choked gasp he let out.

There were even more pink sticky notes in his bedroom.

He felt his blanket slip from his shoulders, as he clumsily walked forward, until his knees hit his bed. He blinked, and then he had ripped a handful of notes off the wall, right next to his pillows.

'You're going to do amazing things!'

'You look gorgeous in that outfit!'

'You make every day feel so alive with your presence!'

Every word made Calder want to throw up.

Why did Sebastian do this? Why did he choose to sneak into his home when Calder wasn't there? Did he not come here for Calder's help?

He kept telling himself to calm down, to ignore all these questions that his mind plagued him with. Just throw it all away- Calder doesn't need these meaningless messages anyway.

He's not sure what game Sebastian was playing, but it won't take long for him to get bored of it and move on from Calder. After all, he was just using Calder to feel better about himself, to reignite that spark within himself. Now everything can go back to Sebastian being stupidly passionate about life, and Calder ruining all his fun and fantasies.

But-

But now it was all different.

Because now Calder knows Sebastian.

He knows that Sebastian feels just as strongly when he's upset. He knows that Sebastian is genuinely a good person, but his emotions still mess things up for him.

Calder knows that Sebastian sees beauty and love in everything, to the point that it may seem ridiculous, but it was just so endearing. Calder knows that Sebastian was just as desperate for love and attention as Calder was.

They were so similar yet different that it fascinated Calder- how someone who glowed so bright was able to comfortably sit in the darkness with Calder.

But it didn't matter now, because Calder wasn't suited for wants like these.

Calder sighed, not looking forward to the hunt he was going to have to do to get rid of all these infuriating sticky notes. Just the thought of these sickeningly sweet messages hovering right over his head was more than enough for him.

He started the tedious task of taking then all down, trying his best not to catch a glimpse of the flowery words on the pink paper.

But then he heard the front door softly open.

Calder froze, but he already knew who was at the door- the person who had shown up to his doorstep unannounced weeks ago.

He heard the soft, cautious footsteps slowly walk into the apartment, no doubt seeing the trail of fallen sticky notes leading right to Calder's bedroom.

"Calder?"

Calder flinched at the voice, then chastised himself for his reaction. He took a moment to himself, to forget about the past few weeks and all the messages that were purely for him.

Words were just words.

Sebastian was just Sebastian.

They didn't matter.

Calder turned around and swiftly opened the bedroom door, finding Sebastian seconds away from knocking.

Sebastian yelped in fright, but Calder remained silent, gazing down at Sebastian with a blank look.

Their eyes met, and Calder took a slow breath in, taking in the other's appearance.

Sebastian was dressed nicely, wearing light colours that made him seem like a flower amongst all this mold. His hair looked as bouncy and as shiny as ever, and Calder fought the urge to twist one of the golden strands around a finger, like how he used to do when he was bored, watching the way Sebastian would watch him with amused eyes.

Speaking of eyes, the thing that grabbed Calder's attention the most was the brightness that had returned to them.

Gone were the empty eyes devoid of light and love, and instead, Calder was faced with the bright, fiery passion that Sebastian was known for, staring back at him.

It was like they were right back to the day that Sebastian asked for his help, but instead, they had switched positions. Now Sebastian seemed like the self-assured, put together person- while Calder was drowning in his own mind with no clue how to get out.

Calder didn't care for it.

Sebastian opened his mouth to speak, but Calder just pushed right past him, making sure to knock against his shoulder on the way.

Calder was silent as he headed for the nearest bin to throw a crumpled up sticky note into.

"Are you alright?"

Calder flinched at the concern in Sebastian's voice. He kept his head low as he turned back around, avoiding Sebastian's gaze as he walked right back to his bedroom.

"Calder?" A soft hand caught his elbow, and Calder couldn't find the strength to fight it.

"Calder? What's wrong?" Sebastian asked, and Calder fought the urge to roll his eyes.

"There's nothing wrong," he said, keeping his voice as monotone as possible. He tried to walk away again, but Sebastian's grip held firm.

"There is something wrong," Sebastian said. "You've suddenly started avoiding me, you're asking to be left alone, nobody's seen you outside of class for weeks-"

"Why should that bother you?" Calder asked, with a hint of anger, keeping his body stiff and rigid as he whirled around. Calder leered down at him, but Sebastian held his gaze without a single falter, all without losing that softness in his eyes.

They held each other's gaze for who knows how long- until Sebastian sighed, and quietly asked, "Did I do something to upset you?"

No. Yes. He wasn't sure.

"Because if I had, I want to be able to properly apologise to you." So he could keep his conscious clean and pure, so he could ignore all the bigger, more terrible parts of himself.

"Then it's a good thing I'm perfectly fine," Calder said, but he saw the way Sebastian's eyes flickered with doubt. Then those same big, twinkling eyes drifted down his body, taking in every detail, and Calder let him, because he didn't care. He had never cared about what others thought of him, and he definitely wasn't going to start now.

When Sebastian met his eyes again, Calder felt a sliver of his resolve shake, but he held firm.

Sebastian took another step closer, and Calder tried to step away, but Sebastian gripped his other elbow, trapping Calder in place.

Sebastian leaned in close, and Calder attempted to imagine ice in his veins, to keep himself as composed and as unflinching as possible when faced with such a blazing inferno known as Sebastian.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian whispered, and Calder raised a brow. "I don't know what I've done to cause you this amount of pain my dear, but I am sorry."

For a moment, Calder almost believed him.

For a moment, he felt a burst of heat in his chest.

But then Calder remembered standing alone at a party while Sebastian went off with his ex, feeling lonelier than he's ever felt before, and he glared down at Sebastian.

"You're not sorry," Calder said bluntly, keeping his rage frozen and sharp. "You're never sorry because how could the prince charming do anything wrong?"

The venom rose up within Calder's throat, but he swallowed it, because he refused to let Sebastian know just how much he affected Calder. "You love everything, and you expect everything to go your way and for it to be sunshine and rainbows. You have never known what it feels to struggle, to grieve, to be empty of all that."

Calder gave another experimental tug, but Sebastian's grip held firm, and his attention never drifted from Calder's face.

Calder sighed. "You could have everyone fall in love with the prince charming, with the perfect idiot that they all believed you to be."

Calder had to focus to keep his voice level. "But when you were lost, you came to me. You showed me someone that you wouldn't dare show anyone else."

Calder tugged again, then sighed harshly when it proved fruitless. Sebastian just continued to stare at him, looking up at him as if nothing else mattered in this moment- but Calder could list off at least ten other things that would be more exciting than how Calder was feeling.

Calder curled his hands into fists. "I wanted to see more of that person," Calder admitted. "I wanted to see just how far you could fall, and suddenly, you became interesting."

Calder remembers the desperation in Sebastian's eyes, how it felt so odd to get to see this side of him, until it painted all of Sebastian in an entirely new light.

"I thought you were merely fun to torment, but then you proved that you weren't so perfect, that you could become just as dark and as numb as me, and I-"

Calder choked up, and he fought through the feeling, throwing away whatever he was feeling right now to the numb void.

It didn't matter whether Sebastian knew or not. Besides, it was probably better to say what he wanted now, because it's not like Sebastian was going to stick around after this. Nothing he could say would matter anymore.

"-I grew to like your presence," Calder quietly revealed, feeling Sebastian's grip on him tighten for a split second, before relaxing again.

Calder looked down at the ground, feeling ice spread all over his chest, just to thaw the moment he met Sebastian's eyes, so he decided to avoid them altogether.

"But that was a foolish thing to do," Calder continued, "because obviously you would prefer someone as bright and as warm as you, like Daphne, and not someone as cold-hearted as me, right?"

Calder smiled bitterly to himself, staring at the ground and waiting for Sebastian let him go. But he never did.

One minute turned to two, and Calder was still waiting- and then he felt a finger under his chin.

He couldn't fight against the touch even if he tried, and he let his head be tilted up to meet the irresistibly alluring eyes of Sebastian, so full of warmth and concern- for him.

Sebastian inched closer, until their bodies were pressed up against each other and it made Calder's focus falter. Sebastian refused to look away from Calder as he whispered to him, "I am so sorry for the way I treated you before this."

Calder froze, brows furrowing in confusion. That wasn't how this was supposed to go.

"I am so sorry that I was ignorant, and that I didn't take the time to actually get to know you- because you're an amazing person, Calder Grey."

Calder shook his head, leaning away from Sebastian in fear. What was this? Why was he saying these things that weren't true?

"You are so clever and strong, and I feel absolutely awful for the way I treated you before- but you still went out of your way to help me with my issues, despite that."

The ice was thawing.

"When you suddenly stopped talking to me and you shut yourself away from the world, I knew it had something to do with me, and I refused to let you waste away."

Sebastian broke eye contact for just a moment, to look at the pink sticky notes. "That's what the sticky notes were for- to try and give you a piece of my love while still keeping my distance, to try and make you feel a little bit more cared for, because I can tell that you didn't get that a lot."

For the first in a long time, Calder felt true, genuine fear.

"I wanted to make sure that you woke up feeling loved, and that amazing things would await you. I see the look in your eye sometimes, when you think no one is looking. I see how empty and lonely your eyes are."

Calder took an abrupt step back, but Sebastian just followed along, and now Calder was just uselessly tugging against Sebastian's grip, eyes wide and his heart beating faster than he could handle.

"Calder, I'm not getting back with Daphne," Sebastian announced, but Calder stuttered out, "Then- Then why did you go off with her?"

Sebastian gave him a conflicted look. "She wished to discuss something serious with me, something pertaining to- Theadora. I can't say much else for the sake of her privacy, but I can assure you that it wasn't what you think it was."

Sebastian wasn't in love with Daphne.

The truth made Calder's breath hitch, and Sebastian smiled, noticed the reaction. Calder hated it. Calder loved it.

His tugging got more intense, and Calder kept stepping backwards, trying to escape this warmth that was threatening to burn him alive.

Sebastian's smile turned coy. "There is someone who I am interested in, though."

The ice was rapidly melting now.

"No," Calder murmured, feeling his face flush, for God's sake.

"It's someone that is clever, and sharp, and doesn't let anyone deter him from his goals-"

"Stop this-" Calder glared at the infuriatingly strong hands gripping him, hating the flicker of desire it made in the pit of his stomach. He stumbled back another step.

"It's someone who is so effortlessly pretty, and doesn't even know it. His eyes are so striking and hypnotic that it makes my heart flutter everytime I look into them."

Calder was beginning to consider if biting his wrists off was the way to go, because he couldn't take being smothered in this love like this. He's never experienced anything like it, and all from a few pretty words, at that.

"He is kind-"

"Shut up-"

"- and soft-"

"-stop talking-"

"-and admittedly, a bit frustrating, but he sets a passion in my heart that I've never felt before."

"Just stop this!" Calder snapped, giving a final tug against his wrists, before a strand of hair fell in front of his face, making him freeze, panting on the spot.

They locked eyes, and the desire in Sebastian's eyes only grew, into something dark and intense and inticing.

Finally, Sebastian released one of his wrists, but only to lift his hand up, and gently tuck the strand of hair behind his ear with a smile, and he whispered "He's the one who helped me open my eyes to who I really am, good and bad."

Sebastian leaned in close, their lips grazing. Calder felt like he was about to combust, knees trembling and mind spinning.

"I'm in love with you, Calder."

Calder let a choked gasp out, as flame and ice, light and grey, too much and not enough, collided- and Calder finally let out the thing that's he's been longing for, for weeks.

"Kiss me," Calder whispered, and his heart skipped a beat at the hungry look in Sebastian's eyes, as he pounced on him.

Sebastian shoved him up the last few steps and pinned him against the wall, one hand tangled in Calder's hair, the other gripping his face.

Calder practically sobbed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Sebastian's neck, as lips and teeth crashed and clanged against each other.

Sebastian kissed him with a desperate passion that made Calder's head dizzy, and he tried to keep up with his own brutal assault, shamelessly nibbling and biting Sebastian's lips, all to hear the stuttering groans he let out.

Calder sighed and moaned into the kiss, opening his lips up to allow their tongues to meet, and Sebastian muttered, "Oh, fuck," into the kiss, making Calder smirk playfully.

"Didn't know- you swore," Calder said teasingly in-between kisses, and Sebastian just responded by furrowing his brows in concentration, and started to kiss him with so much more passion than Calder thought possible.

Calder whined, feeling himself get pressed further against the wall as their tongues danced and their hands grabbed at every inch of skin it could.

Calder always found himself getting bored with the same old things, always searching for something new to cure the numbness in his chest, to make him feel something worthwhile.

Sebastian was that. Sebastian made Calder long for something that he hadn't even been aware that he was craving.

He wanted to devour Sebastian, and he wanted Sebastian to devour him.

Unfortunately, they had to break apart for air, instead leaning their foreheads against each other, and Sebastian chuckled.

"I've never seen you so emotional before," Sebastian teased, and Calder huffed, but couldn't deny it. There was just something about Sebastian's heart and love for things, that Calder couldn't get enough of.

"Well, I've never seen you so aggressive before," Calder retorted, and Calder chuckled deeply, and it made the desire clouding Calder's brain get heavier.

Sebastian lightly ran his fingers through Calder's hair. Then, he whispered, "Do you truly want me to make you feel how I feel? To feel the depths of my love for you?"

Calder chuckled, tightening his hold around Sebastian's neck. "Oh, I would love to see you try."

Suddenly, Sebastian's hands reached down, and Calder let an embarrassingly loud gasp out, as Sebastian lifted Calder's legs up, and wrapped them around his waist.

"Gladly, villain," Sebastian said, and Calder threw his head back and laughed as Sebastian marched them to the bedroom.

Calder's never felt numb with bliss before, but from the way he couldn't feel his lips or neck or even his legs, he felt like he could enjoy this type of numbness.

As he felt Sebastian card his fingers through Calder's freshly washed hair, he couldn't help the soft smile spreading across his face, or the way Sebastian chuckled and kissed his cheek.

Calder's never felt so content before, cuddling in bed while Sebastian prattled on about whatever.

It was only when Sebastian talked about how he figured out what he wanted to do with his life- to be a hairdresser- well, it was so perfect that Calder felt a burst of pure, overwhelming happiness in his chest.

Maybe the bridge had been burned and destroyed for years now, but the journey to get to this other side has been such a beautiful experience, and Calder was so glad to see the entirety of Sebastian's soul, and to fall in love with it.

All of it.

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