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pyxelaceblr · 2 years

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And, just for a moment...

here it is :D based on the idea of Koda and I's characters (basically full on OCs) in a memory loss situation (the reason behind it is left to your interpretation :)) with no happy ending

enjoy :D

Part I: Dreams a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.

What do you dream of? It was a simple enough question, Koda thought initially. Everybody dreams; in one way or another. People dreamed of events they had recently experienced or what they wanted the most or even abstract ideas they could never understand or explain, so what did he dream of? He wasn’t quite sure. How could one dream when they knew nothing of who they were? That thought could’ve explained it but it wasn’t the answer he was looking for and it probably wasn’t the one his company was looking for either.

Ace sat across from him, cross legged on the soft grass, the reflection of the last sun rays casted on their glasses. For a second, Koda wondered what their answer would be. Did they dream? That would erase the only theory his mind could conjure. Ace’s eyes caught his as they waited for a reply, snapping Koda out of his inner thoughts.

“I’m not sure,” he finally answered, “I might not remember my dreams.” Ace only hummed in reply, their gaze settling on the sun, ever so slowly setting beyond the hill they both sat upon. “And you?”

“Me?” Ace asked, eyes still on the changing colors of the approaching sunset.

“What do you dream of?”

“I contradict myself.” They answered and, for a moment, Koda thought Ace would stop there. However, they continued. “Sometimes I wish I could remember everything and sometimes I wish for anything but. But literally? At night? I don’t dream at all.”

So, just like him; Koda thought for a moment. “Do you ever wish to?”

“Occasionally, yes. Other times it’s what I’m the most terrified of.” Their hand had settled on the grass, lazily pulling at it, not even close to hard enough to pull any strands from the earth.

Koda tilted his head at their words. “How come?”

“What if I dreamt of my life before? What if I could piece things together from my dreams?” The hypotheticals spilled from their lips.

“You thought that could be happening to me?” He asked, not waiting for any particular answer. “I’m not sure how I would feel about that either but…” he hesitated, thinking for a moment before settling on something, “I think I’d rather know.”

“Aren’t you scared of what you’d find?” Ace asked. “If you knew, I mean.”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“You have an understanding of how you act now, without your memories.” Ace started explaining. “What if you remember how you were and you were completely different? What would you do then? How do you compromise with who you used to be and who you are now?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “but I feel like I’d be able to figure it out or learn from the possible mistakes I had made.”

“But…” They halted, questioning whether to continue or not. They seemed to decide to do so. “Could you live with yourself if you found out you were a horrible person? Would you rather know if that was the case?”

“Kind of?” Koda guessed. “Yes. I still think I’d want to know. I’d rather that than continue to be a stranger to myself.”

Ace looked at him for a moment, searching for something they couldn’t quite place. After a few seconds, their eyes found the sky once more. “I guess so.”

The conversation trailed away like the breeze that sounded out with the shaking of grass. Hues of oranges and yellows draped over the two as Koda placed his hand atop of Ace’s, stopping their pulling at the grass. They turned their palm almost immediately, shifting their hold to hold each others’ hands in a soft grip. The same unspoken question flowed between the two. None of them had dared to voice it but it always crawled its way back, since their first meeting upon the hill, after a touch, a lean, a shift closer.

It was a mystery how they both had ended up on the hill for that first sunset together. Koda had been trekking through the woods around the home he woke memoryless from, one he had assumed to belong to him. He had found the hill by chance, tall and bare of any trees, and almost immediately set course to its top where he found Ace. Ace had a similar tale to tell when they talked for the first time. The hill was visible from the house they woke up in and they had wanted to go to it for a while and, for a reason they couldn’t place, they just did so that day. Their unexplained proximity had started soon after their initial chat with a hand hold similar to the one they were experiencing again.

None of them had dared to voice it but that day seemed to be different, as the question was vocalized for the first time since they found each other.

“Do you know who I am?” Koda whispered after clearing his throat softly.

Ace looked at him for a moment, searching his gaze before answering. “I don’t. I've never lied. I don’t remember anything or anyone.”

“I don’t either but…” The words drifted into nothing. The sound of the grass dancing seemed to grow louder as the air grew dense. “Do you think-” Koda halted for a moment, his words were whispered as light as the wind- “we knew each other before?”

“Yes.” Ace replied immediately but just as softly in tone. They cleared their throat, speaking slightly louder than before. “I do. I’ve thought about it since the first day here.”

“Me too.” The words didn’t come to him for a moment, like he wasn’t sure how to explain it. Still, he tried because while the words didn’t cooperate, the thought that they’d understand was clear in his mind. “The day we ended up here together for the first time, it was like… Like I didn’t recognize you but I felt like I should.”

“Yes.” Ace agreed without elaborating any more.

“And,” Koda continued after realizing their silence, “holding your hand like this. I feel like I’ve done it before. I feel like I used to do it.”

“Yes.” They repeated, agreeing and nothing more.

“This hill, you, me…” He, once again, continued. “It’s the only thing that makes sense right now.” This time, no agreement came. He waited for a few seconds but no words came. “Ace?”

“Yes, I…” They attempted before continuing. “I trust you. I don’t know why I just do, since day one. I trust you, Koda.”

He was taking a back for a moment, his grip on their hand tightened slightly. He sat up on his knees, placing a hand on their cheek to meet their eyes before he spoke. “I trust you too, Ace.”

Ace leaned forward, resting their forehead on Koda’s shoulder, sighing. “It’s like muscle memory, right?” They started, seemingly thinking at loud. “Everyone says there’s things you never really forget like riding a bike or the words to an old song you haven’t heard in so long. Remembering you is like that.”

“Yes, it’s like that.” Koda agreed. “I think I read about someone who thought new memories made new stars and that’s why you can never really forget anything, because the stars are there to remind you.”

“That’s a beautiful theory.” They closed their eyes and they swore they could make out the distinct image of the star-filled sky that would soon be above them in their mind.

Koda hummed at their comment. “Maybe we might not remember but a part of us does.” His hand found the top of their head, threading his fingers into their hair softly. “See, I wish I could remember you. I wish I knew why this felt right.”

“I get it.” They whispered, moving their arms to fully hug him. “But, right now, I think I’m alright with this feeling right. I don’t think I need to know. At least right now.”

Koda laughed softly, hugging back. He looked up over the horizon, finding the final rays of sun settling beyond his sight. The light bathing the two in orange and red was fading, leaving a comfortable darkness behind and, just for a moment, he was alright with not having the answers.

“I think I can be alright with that right now too. And, hey, maybe I’ll have something to dream of.”

Ace smiled slightly. “Yes, maybe.”

Part II: Mementos an object kept as a reminder of a person or event.

How can a brain with no memories think so loud? Ace had been asking themself that question often. They laid flat on the surface of the bed they thought was their own staring at an unfamiliar ceiling that was starting to grow familiar as the nights passed. Their eyes wide open and restless. Even with no clocks in the house, they didn’t feel the need to look at one: they knew exactly how long it had been since they tried to sleep and failed to.

They sat up, eyes locked on the lowest drawer on the table across the room. They were going to open it, they had to. They had had this debate for many nights but they were actually going to open it tonight. Something was in there. Something that scared them. All they could guess was that it was linked to who they had been.

I still think I’d want to know. I’d rather that than continue to be a stranger to myself.

They were going to open it.

They stepped away from the bed and approached the drawer, taking a breath before pulling it open in a quick movement, leaving no time to second guess their decision. They tore their eyes away for a moment before slowly looking at the contents.

The first thing that caught Ace’s attention was a pocket watch. Its case was open, showcasing a long crack upon the surface of the glass. It was broken. The hands didn’t move and no ticking sound came from it. They could feel something coming from it. A feeling or an aura- they weren’t quite sure. They slowly moved to grab it, almost letting it go as it touched their hand. It felt wrong in their grip; heavy, boiling, unbalanced… they couldn’t quite place what it was but they fought against the feeling, keeping the watch in their grip before reaching for the next item. A paper, or better said a note. Peeking inside, they quickly recognized their own name at the bottom of the page, written in curve lettering, masterfully.

They skimmed through the words quickly- their own writing, they knew that for a fact- making their eyes widen. They dropped the watch and the page like they were scolding hot, backing away from the drawer. Their head banged in pain as they dropped onto the mattress, hiding their eyes with their hands until consciousness faded away. They could only think one thing as sleep took over: how do they come to terms with that?

The next evening, Ace sat upon the hill in their usual pose but restless, their hands fidgeting with the ends of their sleeves as they looked at nothing in particular. They turned away from the particular patch of grass their gaze had settled on when they heard the familiar sound of light steps running up the hill. Koda had arrived.

He stood opposite Ace, the sunlight making his form appear as a shadow on the edges. Panting, he adjusted the grip on the guitar being held behind his back in a poor attempt to hide it from view. He repeated their name a few times before continuing to the topic he wanted to talk about. “I was looking around that room I told you of- the one with the bunch of things and boxes in it, you know?- and I found this!” He shifted his hold on the guitar again to showcase it properly. “And that’s not even the best part! I decided that, hey, maybe this was mine, right? So maybe the logic of muscle memory could kick in and I could still play it and…” He paused.

Ace laughed slightly. “And?”

“And I can!” Koda smiled widely before moving to sit on the grass in front of Ace, guitar placed on his lap comfortably. “Do you want to hear?”

Ace hesitated for a moment. They had spent all the time waiting for his arrival building the confidence to tell him what they had found but now he had brought good news and they couldn’t find it within them to bring him down. So, instead, they smiled. “Sure. I’d love to.”

With a final smile their way, Koda looked down at the instrument, beginning the first strums of a soft melody. The tune was almost familiar, like a greeting from an old friend, and it shared the same feeling as the image before Ace. Like a photograph of an old time, it felt nostalgic in a way they couldn’t place as there was nothing in their head to induce that feeling. More accurately, it felt natural. Koda’s graceful strumming and soft smile as he played through the song his fingers remembered in a way his head could not; it felt like everything was as it should be. It felt like everything was alright but one look down at their still fidgeting hands reminded Ace that that wasn’t the case.

Eventually, the song ended, way before either of them wanted it to. A silence settled for a few moments after as if they silently agreed to let the moment last a few seconds longer. But, everything had to end eventually.

“That was beautiful, Koda.” Ace smiled, looking at him for a moment before settling their gaze on the grass once more.

“Thank you.” He smiled back, settling the guitar down on the ground next to him before moving closer to sit next to Ace. “So, something’s on your mind. What’s bothering you?”

Ace turned to look at him, eyebrow raised. “How’d you know?”

He smiled. “Just a guess. A good one, at that.” He nudged their shoulder. “So? Tell me?”

They sighed. “It’s complicated.” He hummed. “And?”

“You’re not letting it go, huh?” Ace asked, a smile threatening to pull at their lips.

“Nope.” He smiled. “Tell me now?”

They sighed once again. “Alright but you won’t like it.” “That is fine.” “And I won’t either.”

“You still know it so you don’t like whether you tell me or not.” He argued. “So we can not like it together.”

Ace reached into their pocket, taking out a square of folded paper. They slowly unfolded it. It felt heavy in their hands as they glanced at it briefly before handing it to Koda. “I found this in a drawer at the house last night.”

Koda glanced at Ace once before shifting his gaze to the page in his hands.

In a short period of time, the only person that could find this is me and, as what happens in the long term isn’t much my concern anymore, I will focus on that. If I am reading this, it is important to note that that shouldn’t be possible but as a final precaution I’ll leave this behind regardless.

You likely don’t understand what happened to you and may feel it’s unfair or useless but I must assure you it is not. There’s a reason behind it, one I can not explain without inflicting a pain you have likely felt reading these words. So, I will tell you only this: you must let go. Don’t search for answers you mustn't have. Don’t create suffering that shouldn’t exist. Don’t stick around if you feel it hurts.

I hope I’ll understand this if I see it, if I unfortunately see it. If not immediately, I hope it will dawn on me. And that is all I can do.

Ace.

Koda turned to look at Ace after he finished reading, waiting for them to speak and, eventually, they did. “I wish I hadn’t found it.”

Koda tilted his head. “How come?”

Ace’s eyes widened as they turned to look him in the eyes. “Don’t you see? I could easily be at fault here! And even if I’m not, what did I do that requires this? Why shouldn’t I be able to find it?”

They broke eye contact in a blink, resting their elbows on their legs as they covered their face with their hands, scratching at the start of their scalp. Koda wrapped an arm around their shoulder, before moving to sit behind them on his knees, resting his head on theirs. “You’re assuming the worst and there’s no real evidence behind what you’re saying. I know you know that.”

“It could still be the case.” They mumbled, head still buried between their fingers.

“As could anything.” He countered. “You, as I, know nothing of how you were before so all we can do is trust these words. I trust you now and have no reason to believe I didn’t trust you before so, if you said there was a reason for whatever you might have done, I trust that. And you should too.”

And with a nod and a mumble came their next words: “I guess so.”

Koda hummed, reaching around to gently pull their hands away from their face. “Come on,” Koda put a hand on their shoulder, nudging them backwards as he too moved back slightly, “you need to get your mind off this, alright?”

He guided them to rest their head on his lap before reaching for his guitar. Koda began lightly strumming as he felt the melody come to his head like ripples of a distant memory. As the song drifted, Ace slowly closed their eyes, fully settling into the comfortable setting the two had created. Maybe they still worried about the thoughts and theories plaguing their mind but those were left into the shadowy corners of their head, replaced with the soft tune carried by the individual they couldn’t help but trust.

And, just for a moment, everything was alright.

Part III: Truths that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

What do you dream of? Ace wished they didn’t know the answer to that question. The most recents nights had been restless: falling asleep with little issues before waking in cold sweats and a ceaseless pounding inside the walls of their brain.

They should’ve known fixing the pocket watch was a bad idea.

It had come to them on an uneventful morning and, without having anything to occupy their energy, they decided to do so. Once fixed, the strange feeling surrounding the object grew but Ace still couldn’t quite place what it was and why it seeped a sense of dread into their bones. Still, since the night it was fixed they hadn’t had a full night of rest and, after this particular night, they knew why.

They were remembering. They now remembered.

The pounding grew in strength as the realization seeped in. They took a few shaky breaths before rushing out from beneath the covers, grabbing the nearest coat and gloves before throwing open their door with only one direction in mind.

What do you dream of? A question Koda still pondered since it was first asked. He was still quite certain his answer hadn’t changed: he didn’t dream. He was certain of it. Perhaps he did but didn’t remember any of it. Ironic, really, but even that possibility was starting to seem unlikely as the nights came and went.

This night was uneventful as all before had been. The darkness of sleep enveloped him easily, drifting him into the familiar, dreamless sleep he was used to. He flew across the silence of sleep, following its drifts until morning rose its head with him. Except, that wasn’t the case that night.

A series of frantic knocks sounded out around the house and, though it took a few attempts, it finally raised him from the heavy blankets of sleep.

“Yes, coming!” Koda yelled as loudly as he could muster, voice still rising from its groggy tone. Opening it, he was slightly startled to find Ace standing on the other side, panting as they leaned one hand against the door frame. “Ace? What are you doing here? Did something happen?”

“No- well, yes- well…” An incomprehensible mumble came from under their breath before they shook their head. “Nevermind. Would you mind- Would you mind going to the hill?”

“Now?”

“Sorry. The sun hasn’t even started to rise yet. I shouldn’t-.”

“Sure.” He interrupted with a smile. “If we’re lucky we’ll catch a great view of the sunrise.”

That night, for the first time, the two climbed the hill together. The moon illuminated the sky above them as they traveled in a silence that wasn’t particularly comfortable but it wasn’t entirely tense. Soon enough, they reached the top, looking beyond the dark blue hued panorama in front of them, lighted by the pinpoints of light filling the sky. The trees below them swayed with the cold chill of the late night transition to early morning, creating a soft soundtrack of leaves fluttering and shaking around the two.

“It looks so beautiful at night.” Koda marveled as the two stood side by side, looking beyond.

“It does.” Ace agreed. “Though it is more morning than night.”

“Really?” Koda looked at them for a moment. “How’d you know?”

Ace shrugged. “Just do.”

“So?” Koda started after a beat of silence. “Any particular reason for this escapade or..?”

Ace extended a hand behind the two, silently asking to sit on the grass and it wasn’t long until they both followed the request, sitting facing each other. Ace took in a breath, turning to look at the darkened scenery one more time before facing Koda fully. “I understand now.”

He looked at them, questions swimming in his eyes. “Understand? Understand what?”

“The note I left myself.” They clarified.

Koda leaned forward in surprise. “Really? How? What does it mean? Wait-.” His eyes widened. “Does that mean..?

Ace nodded silently, clearing their throat shakingly. “Yes. I remember.”

“How much?” The response was immediate.

“Everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.” Ace confirmed. Koda opened his mouth but before any words could be formed, Ace raised a finger, stopping him. They squinted their eyes shut, recoiling. “Don’t. Don’t ask anything. We were never meant to find out.”

“What?” Koda placed his hands on their shoulder, making them open their eyes once more, looking at him with a feeling he couldn’t quite name. “What do you mean?”

“We were never meant to find out.” They repeated. “Well, you were never meant to find out. I tried to ensure it. I shouldn’t have been here.”

“What do you mean?” The same question was asked again. “Ace, you’re not speaking clearly. I want to understand what you want to tell me but I… I can’t this way.”

Ace took in a shaking breath before tugging at the gloves on their hands. While their right hand remained as normal, their left hand had changed. The tips of their fingers were tinted black as wisps of gray and white flowed out from them, looking like translucent fabrics flowing up into the sky. Koda slowly, carefully reached a hand towards Ace’s. They flinched slightly at the first touch but slowly relaxed to allow him to hold their hand, the wispy smoke making the view of the interlocked hands blurry. Looking closely, Koda could see the darkness slowly but surely coloring more and more of their trembling hand.

“Ace…”

“I shouldn’t have been here.” They repeated their words. They met his eyes, watching as they ever so slightly widened as he took in and understood what they had said. He held to their hand with both of his own, holding as if the moment he would let go, he would wake from a dream and the illusion would be broken. “But it seems I couldn’t stay away. At least, not without…”

Koda met their eyes as their words trailed away. His voice was soft and almost fragile as he spoke. “Not without..?”

A bittersweet smile tugged at the edges of their lips. “Not without saying goodbye.”

The grip on their hand tightened. The start of his words died on his tongue a few times before Koda managed to speak them. “How can we say goodbye if I don’t know what I’m saying goodbye to?”

“You know, Koda.” They reassured, the smile not leaving their face. “Even if you think you don’t, you do. Deep down.”

“But I don’t know it all and you do.” He continued.

“It seems that I wanted it that way. Or, well, you shouldn’t know any of it all.” They lifted their hand to hold over the ones he was using to hold their fading hand.

“I’d still rather know.” He whispered. “That hasn’t changed. I’d still rather know.”

“I know.” They whispered back. “I know, sunshine, I know.” The darkness was crawling up their arm, slowly growing into their neck, peeking from underneath their shirt’s collar.

“Can I hug you?” The whisper was low, a thrill of the wind but Ace caught it.

“Of course you can.” They nodded repeatedly. “You needn’t ask.”

In less than a second, they found each other in an embrace, limbs intertwined in tight grips as if they could hold the moment as tightly as they could hold each other, making it last just seconds longer. Whispers were exchanged, low and muffled enough to not be heard but still somehow understood, like the blinded trust that had brought them to that hill time and time again.

The hand on Koda’s back wasn’t solid anymore and if they focused enough they could feel the light ticking of the translucent wisps licking against his back where a hand used to rest. He leaned back, enough to meet Ace’s gaze but not enough to end the embrace. The darkness had taken a side of their face, one of their eyes tinted into a glossy white looking into Koda’s. “I don’t want it to end.” He whispered, his eyes glossing in a different way.

“I know.” They ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t want it to either.” The smoke began slowly forming from their cheek, fading more of them into the sky above. “Hey, hey,” they caught a stray tear that had fallen from Koda’s eye with their thumb, “no, it’s alright. Look. Look up.” They tilted his chin up slightly so he’d follow their gaze to the sky. “Look at the stars. Think of how many stars our memories will make. Think of all the new stars, sunshine. So many stars!” Their laugh that followed came slightly broken, like a hiccup between cries.

When the two met each others’ eyes again, Ace’s form was almost merely a glowing silhouette on the canvas of the brightening night. “It’s time, isn’t it?” He asked.

They nodded once. It was barely visible. “Yes, it is. You always know, don’t you?” A fragment of a smile could be seen.

“Does it have to end this way?” The words sounded broken, distraught, shaky.

“I’m afraid it does.” They told him. “Koda. Don’t search for answers you mustn't have.”

“Don’t create suffering that shouldn’t exist.” He recalled next. “Don’t stick around if you feel it hurts.”

Ace laughed sadly. “I won’t.”

Koda leaned forward, hugging what was left of them again, as they faded into the sky. The sun was making itself known with its first rays of light, illuminating the hill slowly, yet, when Koda looked up, the stars had never seemed to glow so bright.

“Koda.” The whisper was more felt than heard to him.

“Yes?”

“You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for.”

The translucent wisps drifted into the sky between the glowing smoke, fading out with the last moments of the night as the sun grew higher in the sky. As the moments passed, Koda could swear he could still feel the fragmented smoke between his fingers, leaning against him, warm around him… His mind echoed the spoken words, his thoughts spinning for a few moments.

And, just for a moment, he remembered.

He remembered every conversation, every touch, every moment. Every late night talking away between tall trees, every comfortable silence as they both read from books they were researching, every hug shared after a heartfelt talk… He remembered his sibling.

His head pounded in pain, beats faster and stronger than his heart’s. His thoughts swam in fast streams of wild rivers. The memories flooded in fast and merciless, making his surroundings blurry and lost to him. And in the chaos of his mind, he could remember only a few words.

Don’t search for answers you mustn't have. Don’t create suffering that shouldn’t exist. Don’t stick around if you feel it hurts.

In a few beats of time, his head felt calm. A drizzle after a storm. He ran a hand across one of his cheeks, feeling the wet skin beneath his fingers. He looked down at his hand, confused, before looking up at the sights that surrounded him. The drift of the grass, the first rays of the sun warming his skin, the last fading stars of the night’s goodbye… And, just for a moment, Koda was at peace. One question remained in his mind, however.

What was he doing on that hill?

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