pymvere

[pymvere]

ugly

an, when i was younger, what i wanted was to work in the media and travel the world, to celebrate my achievement, to marry an amazing intellectual. well i still want to do all of that, but sometimes i feel embarrassed thinking about that. i feel like it was important to me then to prove that i was not just an ordinary girl, i was a special person. i wanted to be rich and famous. but i was very lonely and alone at that time. but then again, i feel like i was luckier than most people in the world. 

and i was thinking, why should anyone be rich and famous while other people live in desperate poverty?

an, sometimes, when i was on my way to the office i was thinking –i don’t know if you will agree with me or not– the failure in our life is general.

civilization is presently in its declining phase day by day, and it was showing the ugliness of modern life. i’m sorry, but you will agree with me on this, cars are generally ugly, right? cars are ugly, buildings are ugly, the mass product is designed very ugly. 

our quality of life has declined. oh ya the air we breathe is very toxic, hence the allergy and the sore throat i got every 6 months. don’t forget the water we drink is full of microplastics, the food is contaminated by cancerous substances. 

and along with it, our mainstream music and cinema are basically just semi-porn and not so family-friendly. visual art and statue is primarily a commodity market for oligarchs. stttt… they even killed the archaeologist. those bastards. i’m sorry an, i have to!

you think the world ceased to be very beautiful after the fall of the new order era and the fall of the soviet union? an, i’m sorry but i believe the fascist political movement is trying to get back from the dead.

but i kinda understand, if that makes sense? i mean it makes sense that people are looking back to a time before the natural world started dying, before capitalism killed our cultural forms and degraded it into mass marketing products.

but an, do you ever experience a sort of personalized version of those feelings? as your own life, your own world slowly to dim, to become an uglier place for yourself? you feeling adrift from the world with no home? or is it just me because we’re getting old? i don’t know.

[pymvere]

the same hands

an, i was thinking about you today. sometimes i find it makes me feel better for a while but then i actually feel sad or even worse. because i don’t know what you are doing when all i do is  typing, listening to horrible reports, and typing again and again, until it’s time to go home. it’s hard to describe what i am doing sometimes. i was thinking, it’s hard to believe i have to use the same hands for both things, i can say it like that. this hands i used for typing news, i also used to hold your hands, and to hold your face before kissing you? i don’t know. 

[pymvere]

an, this morning, i was tired and disoriented after crying my heart out. i wandered down the street and found an abandoned garden at the end of the road. i entered the garden and sat on rocky and damp bench for about twenty minutes.

i was noticing how branches colliding with each others. I saw the cow parsley taking over the garden. there was one or two wild roses here and there, and also bellflowers.

i also saw some natural stones on a corner of the garden. probably it used to be a tiny outdoor fishpond, i don't know.

for about ten minutes i was thinking about so many things: life, love, work, and of course the world.

i was so fascinated by how this life turning out for me. i was so sad but also very grateful for people around me. and i was so grateful about this beauty of the garden.

the beauty of the tiny things i found in this huge world. i can't even pretend that i love this life. oh ya, i did once or twice said i hate this life and i wanted to disappear. but not today.

oh i wanted to cry again at that time but then i would very busy crying rather enjoying the beauty of this abandoned garden.

but, an, i think i completely understand if today, or any other day you feel like this world is just too cruel and want to disappear.

[pymvere]

The Haunting of Bly Mannor, 2020, dir. Mike Flanagan

SE01E01 The Great Good Place

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Fright Night, 1985, dir. Tom Holland

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The Land of My Father, Ilyes Griyeb

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Eunice Atieno Onyango photographed by Yoo Young Kyu for Avenuel Magazine May 2017

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Albert Watson. ‘Charlene Short & Friend’, London, 1988.

[pymvere]

yang sekarang meskipun masih ragu tapi uda mulai step back untuk lihat gambaran secara besarnya.

setelah kemaren ngobrol sama sahabat yang low maintenance (maklum ngobrol aja jarang, ketemu aja apalagi setahun sekali belum tentu) jadi mikir lagi, sebenernya yang gua cari itu yang kayak gimana?

rasanya kayak dicengcengin Allah: kan minta yang begini nih, ya g macem bapakmu, tapi ya bapakmu juga gak sempurna, yang jelek2nya juga plek ketiplek. mau? makannya coba pikirin situ maunya yang gimana sih sebenernya? butuhnya yang macem apaan?

nah, jadi gua maunya yang gimana? butuhnya yang seperti apa?

[pymvere]

one day, i will never cry to sleep no more

one day, i will be at peace and happy with every little thing happened in my live

one day, someone will never left me wondering and questioning everything.

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already craving for him again

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there is still time and there will be time for us who always love so hard and love so fiercely

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sometimes i sit in silence and thinking: both of us using each other too much only for good times, entertainment, and pleasure.

there's no real connection cs we're buried too much in the idea and the polished version of each other.

we're never seen the ugly truth behind our scar, behind our heartbreak stories, the pain in our gut, the terrifies in our eyes, and the confusion in our mind.

we're always try to hide in one another to avoid multidimensional nature of our true selves. we're scared if we're brutality honest with each other, one of us will use it as a weapon.

we're afraid we will never enough for each other. that's why we will always feel so insecure, unsafe, and defensive.

sometimes i sit in silence and thinking: we're so screwed

[pymvere]

oh these butterflies in my tummy everytime i'm about to see you