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pursuingthehappy-blog · 10 years ago

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Pursuing the Happy

I am sad.

A couple days ago, I approached my boyfriend with a problem I have been facing on and off for two years. Lately I have found my problem has gotten worse, and I really wanted to tell someone -- him, about it.

You see, my boyfriend is quite possibly, actually is, the most important thing in my life. He is everything and anything I ever dreamed of having, and I am bless to have met the funniest, most handsome, sweetest partner-in-crime out there. However, lately I have lost sight of that and have been very obviously taking him for granted. Not only have I taken him for granted, but also found myself trying to change him. Nagging him, telling him what he is doing isn’t right, that he is making me sad. However, I have very recently realized that it wasn’t until I tried to alter who he was, that we started having problems in the first place.Up until I decided I would be happier if this was different about him, or if he simply stopped doing this a certain way, we were perfect. We were actually more then perfect, if there is even a word to describe such a thing.

Anyways, our conversation consisted of me explaining to him that I was unhappy. So unhappy that for the past couple days, I contemplated taking my own life. Now, when I say that I do no mean I was on the floor with a full capsule of pills in one hand, and a bottle of vodka in the other, ready to end my life. I mean the negativity in my life had began to consume all of my thoughts that I would find myself lost wondering whether or not me being on this earth was such a good idea. I told him this, and like any normal human being he did not know what to say. He was rendered speechless. Looking back, I feel stupid for admitting this, but at the time I was surprised by his reaction. I was mad that he didn’t know what to say. Perhaps even upset that he didn’t bat an eye but simply stare into space with a blank look on his face. Panicked, I started to attack him, only verbally, but nonetheless I attacked him. I said he didn’t care about me, that I couldn’t understand why he had nothing to say, that he was horrible. It continued for a good half hour until I realized I was not going to get anything out of him and left.

He ignored me all day. Through red puffy, shameful eyes I texted him throughout the day, becoming that crazy girlfriend I promised myself I would never be. I wanted to take everything I had said back. He had never ignored me like this before. I was so sure he was going to end it. I finally convinced him to let me stay over, where I lay awake all night trying to figure out what to say to him the next morning, and how I would fix this mess. After a full day of anxietal meltdowns and regretting what I had said, I finally accepted that what happened, happened, and it was up to me to have a big girl conversation and make it right.

I told him that to start, I was sorry for how I reacted towards his reaction. It was not fair of me, and he reacted like any normal human being would. I pictured myself in his shoes, and what I would do if he had said the same thing to me. My reaction would be similar, if not identical to his. I also told him it was not his fault. It was not his fault that I was depressed. It was me myself and I who needed to take responsibility of my own happiness, not him, and clearly I had been failing miserably. It was wrong of me to rely solely on him to make me happy. I had used him as my main supporter for too long, and with that had lost all my independence and a piece of myself. This thing-- depression was my own problem and if I wanted to save us, I needed to fix it. I promised him I would do whatever it takes to get back on the happy train. I would start Pursuing the Happy.

The conversation eventually ended, and to be honest I didn’t and still sort of don’t know how to take it. He suggested breaking up. He said that if it was something I wanted to do to get back on track he could do it. Hearing him say that made my stomach drop despite the fact that he was doing it because he cared. The idea of him thinking and possibly even coming to terms with us not being together, scared me. Nonetheless, it was an eye-opener. One I needed desperately. If him and I as a couple are on the line, there is nothing I won’t do to get us back to where we used to be. I love him so much.

I am doing this for myself. I need to nip this shit in the butt before it consumes me. I will lose everything if I don’t. As far as I am concerned, I am not prepared or willing to do that.

#pursuingtheHappy #beginings

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