purple-hole

[purple-hole]

"Ne reflechie pas à ce que tu vas faire, reflechie à ce que tu vas laisser tomber"

[purple-hole]

“I am a strong person. But every once in a while I would like someone to hold my hand and tell me things are going to be OK.”

— Unknown

[purple-hole]

“الراحة إذا طالت تولد الكسل ، و الجهد إذا زاد عن حده يولد الثورة .”

— عبد الرحمن منيف

[purple-hole]

“Friends make life a lot more fun.”

— Charles R. Swindoll

[purple-hole]

الإنسان يحتاج إلى الإنسان ، ولا أقصد بذلك الإتكاء المفرط على الآخرين ، بل القرب المريح الذي وجوده يبث الدفء في الروح ولا أذى في زواله .

[purple-hole]

“Have you ever just looked at someone while they’re doing something small like driving or laughing and just smile bc u like them so much.”

— Unknown

[purple-hole]

“I kissed her until there was more happiness inside me than sadness.”

— Benjamin Alire Sáenz

[purple-hole]

i love the part of growth that allows you to look back on a previous period of your life and recognize that parts of it were unhealthy. something that felt so normal wasn’t in hindsight. you’re not supposed to feel that tired all the time. you’re not supposed to be treated like that.

[purple-hole]

لأصبح المرأة التي أنا عليها

كان عليّ قتل الرجال بداخلي

واحدًا تلو الآخر

يومًا بعد يوم

هناك الملايين منهم

الذي يقول إن تنورتي الضيقة تجعلني عاهرة

الذي يقول إن غضبي يجعلني غير جديرة بالثقة

الذي يقول إن إخفاقاتي كلها سببها أني عاطفية أكثر من اللازم

الذي يدعي أن صدمتي ليست حقيقية

الذي علمني أن الدفاع عن النفس هو رد الفعل الوحيد على الأذى

الذي يقول إن المنطق يغلب المشاعر.

- 2 -

لأصبح المرأة التي أنا عليها

كان عليّ أن أقتل المحتلين بداخلي

واحدًا تلو الآخر

يومًا بعد يوم

هناك الملايين منهم

الذي يصرخ قائلًا إن النجاح هو مراكمة الثروة واستجماع القوة

الذي يقول إن الاستهلاك سوف يشعرني بأفضلية

الذي يقول إن الثقافة الإنجليزية والأمريكية والأوروبية تفوق ثقافتي

الذي ينكر وجود الأنظمة القمعية

الذي تجاهل رأيي لأني مجرد سياسية هاوية

الذي يقول إن شعبي أقل شأنًا، وبحاجة لتعلم الديمقراطية

الذي يقول إن طريقته هي الطريقة المثلى الوحيدة.

- 3 -

لأصبح المرأة التي أنا عليها

كان عليّ قتل الأوغاد بداخلي

واحدًا تلو الآخر

يومًا بعد يوم

هناك الملايين منهم

الذي يأمرني بأن أغلق فمي، هكذا أشق طريقي إلى القمة

الذي يرى ألمي ويذكرني بأن لا شيء ليفعل حياله

التي تتهمني بأني أخونها لأني لست نسوية بما يكفي، أو لست نسوية على طريقتها

الذي لا يريد أن يتحدث معي عن الأمور المؤلمة كالإساءة والشعور بالعار.

- 4 -

لأصبح المرأة التي أنا عليها

كان عليّ أن أعي أن رأسي ممتلئٌ بأصوات كثيرة ليست لي

أصوات التفوق الأبيض والاستعمار والنظام الأبوي،

أن أطهرها يوميًا

حتى أراها تصل لمرحلة تخبرني فيها أن لديها

خطة

وحلمًا

ورؤية.

.

لأصبح المرأة التي أنا عليها - جيسيكا سمعان

ترجمة ضي رحمي

لوحة : الهروب من الجحيم، مريم ب�� زيد.

[purple-hole]

03/02/2024 || Bourg la Reine

This is a letter for my future self, ideally 30 years young me :

Hey love ! How are you doing ? Let me tell you a bit about me, i know it might hurt you, but it's important to hear me so you accept it.

I am doing quite well. The rhythm of my life has been hectic so far. And i feel like i am running all the time. That's why today i decided to say stop and look after myself and yours.

On a personal level, a lot of positive changes have been made. I am aware of my traumas and my weaknesses, and I'm working on it. I have been seeing a therapist for more than a year and a half now, we have talked about emotions, how to express them, and how important it is to say no to other, create a clear limit whenever i feel it and say my opinion with no fear. We talked about fear, getting angry, and having non-violent communication. We did "thérapie des schémas" and it helped me understand some of my behaviours and try to accept it. On the other hand, i started doing theatre with my baby every Thursday. I learned a lot during these 2 months, especially to build strong self-esteem and to express my thoughts and emotions without fear. I look at it as another type of therapy. I am really proud of myself to where i am now. I hope that you're still looking after your mental health and that you're still challenging it for a better version.

On a relationship level, I have been committed to our relationship since May 2023. I went to Tunisia and met his lovely family in July 2024. They were very welcoming and warming. I built a different type of successful relationship with each member of his family. He came to Lebanon with me in December 2023. I was happy to see my two worlds combining and trying to merge into one. We moved in together last weekend, last weekend of January 2023. And here we are working on our future together and making our own family full of love and peace. I hope that you'll always find this secure feeling in this relationship and that you're giving him your best. He is an amazing person, never forget that whatever happens.

On a professional level, I have been working in UMS for 2 years and 4 months now. I learned a lot about the company, my work, and the life of an employee. This experience made me have a clear and sincere opinion about this kind of job. It's a NO. I feel like it's sucking my whole energy, it's killing me slowly. It's like i have no more control over my life, not even my goals. It's a prison without me noticing it. But the good news is that i am aware of it more than ever. Here, we are working on breaking it with my partner. We're trying to build our own project together, taking a lot of risks and enjoying the process. I hope that you have already reached that point and that you're looking after new special goals free from society and more dependent on nature.

On a health level, i have reached my weight goal, which is 57kg. Actually, it's not that important to me. However, i am doing more yoga for all kinds of situations. Sometimes, i go for a run. I do swimming once per week. And i'm looking for a climbing partner to start again.

Enough talking about myself. That was my short story as of today. I would like to remind you to always enjoy life, especially details in your daily tasks. Problems are always here. Try not to look at them as problems, but as lessons. Dont stop learning. I hope that by the you have already accepted to be loved and that you're giving your love to the fullest. I hope that you're free from all fears. I hope that you are a better version of me. I am proud of me, i am proud of you wherever you are, whoever you are. Accept me so you can love yourself even more. I trust you. Keep taking care of your self, your mental and physical health, and your lovely partner.

Tania

[purple-hole]

“The problem when you are a strong, capable, self-confident person, is that more often than not, people think that you don't really need things like comfort, reassurance, loyalty and guidance. People are more likely to look at you and say, "She doesn't need this", "She doesn't need that", "She's already all of this and all of that". But then the truth is that most probably, you are a strong, capable, self-confident person because you built yourself brick-by-brick into that person; because you HAD to BECOME that person; because you had determination enough to make yourself into the image that you knew you needed to become. At the heart of many strong, confident people, is a heart most longing of the things that most others simply take for granted.”

C. JoyBell C.

Grant Wood - Spring in the Country.

[purple-hole]

23/08/2023 || Massy

They said "home is where the heart is"

You're not just my home,

You have become my whole country,

I have found peace between your arms,

In the spark of your eyes,

In the tenderness of you touch,

In your daily soft "i love you",

I have found peace,

Just to be lost again inside your soul

[purple-hole]

I came to this point where I yearn for intimacy with inner peace, inner-growth, simplicity, contenment and happiness. Go and settle to a place where nobody knows my name. Seek for new adventures in unexplored corners, sail the deepest secrets of the oceans, meet new faces and learn new points of view. I want to be intensely in touched with the trees, oceans, and mountains. To be immensely in loved with the smell of rain, sea, and river. To be a little detached from the crowd; perhaps attach myself to something where my soul is rooted deep and just follow my own path regardless of how the world tries to pull me.

I just want a change and have a break from everything that holds me back. I want to unleash that kind of soul—to experience and appreciate life by giving life—by living life.

And finally find that home, within.

[purple-hole]

"Tu es entrée, par hasard, dans une vie dont je n'étais pas fier, et de ce jour-là quelque chose a commencé de changer. J'ai mieux respiré, j'ai détesté moins de choses, j'ai admiré librement ce qui méritait de l'être. Avant toi, hors de toi, je n'adhérais à rien. Cette force, dont tu te moquais quelquefois, n'a jamais été qu'une force solitaire, une force de refus. Avec toi, j'ai accepté plus de choses.

J'ai appris à vivre. C'est pour cela sans doute qu'il s'est toujours mêlé à mon amour une gratitude immense."

-Albert Camus

[purple-hole]

"I will not have you without the darkness that hides within you. I will not let you have me without the madness that makes me. If our demons cannot dance, neither can we."

- Nikita Gill

[purple-hole]

my brain and

heart divorced

a decade ago

over who was

to blame about

how big of a mess

I have become

eventually,

they couldn't be

in the same room

with each other

now my head and heart

share custody of me

I stay with my brain

during the week

and my heart

gets me on weekends

they never speak to one another

- instead, they give me

the same note to pass

to each other every week

and their notes they

send to one another always

says the same thing:

"This is all your fault"

on Sundays

my heart complains

about how my

head has let me down

in the past

and on Wednesday

my head lists all

of the times my

heart has screwed

things up for me

in the future

they blame each

other for the

state of my life

there's been a lot

of yelling - and crying

so,

lately, I've been

spending a lot of

time with my gut

who serves as my

unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the

window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine

and collapse on my

gut's plush leather chair

that's always open for me

~ and I just sit sit sit sit

until the sun comes up

last evening,

my gut asked me

if I was having a hard

time being caught

between my heart

and my head

I nodded

I said I didn't know

if I could live with

either of them anymore

"my heart is always sad about

something that happened yesterday

while my head is always worried

about something that may happen tomorrow,"

I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

"I just can't live with

my mistakes of the past

or my anxiety about the future,"

I sighed

my gut smiled and said:

"in that case,

you should

go stay with your

lungs for a while,"

I was confused

- the look on my face gave it away

"if you are exhausted about

your heart's obsession with

the fixed past and your mind's focus

on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs

there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now

there is only inhale

there is only exhale

there is only this moment

there is only breath

and in that breath

you can rest while your

heart and head work

their relationship out."

this morning,

while my brain

was busy reading

tea leaves

and while my

heart was staring

at old photographs

I packed a little

bag and walked

to the door of

my lungs

before I could even knock

she opened the door

with a smile and as

a gust of air embraced me

she said

"what took you so long?"

~ John Roedel (johnroedel.com)

[purple-hole]

"You feel so familiar... I must have loved you in more than one lifetime."

-N.R.Hart