pumpkinsandrain

[pumpkinsandrain]

I take back my judgement

i feel apologetic for judging too quickly. what kind of haste washes over me that I, in a moment decide the character of a person. I could know nothing about his being but I deem that I have the authority to adjudge his character.

To the guy who bought me coffee on the train and carried my suitcase out the door for me. i hope i didn't seem as harsh to you as you did to me when i boarded. i judged you too expeditiously.

noone deserves that, especially not from me. I am no judge, i do not hold a jury nor a bench. even the man who does, where does he stand among the crowd? made of flesh and skin. theatrically anyone can attain the knowledge. I think I can though I do not wish to do so. I am too immoral to have that power.

i hope to not be so impure as I am in this moment. i hope to become more patient. how do I work towards achieving that?

Someone please tell me.

[pumpkinsandrain]

i want to take things with me when i die. there are a lot of things i wish to hold and carry with me. is there a limit to what one can hold in their hands?

it would suck to have to choose between the contents of my memories and trinkets.i do not think i can put one above the other. How can i be so cruel to neglect what was once so dear to me? to hurt my own past self while i already am doing no good for my future self would be traitorus.

[pumpkinsandrain]

I wish to be a toddler again.

Why is it that one feels weak? I can answer my own question with my interpretation though when at a moment of vulnerability, one questions and curses the obvious and immutable. For instance, at times I catch myself cursing under my breath "It's not fair. It's not fair at all. This is not fair." Well, OfCourse it's not! Nothing ever is. Is anything fair in this damned world? I do not think so.

I believe that one needs to be brave to exhibit their unguarded self. I do not wish to imagine my exposed-self defenseless in front of any being.

I'd throw up blood and shards of broken bones to be held with dear affection for an everlasting moment. I picture that would be a terribly horrible sight to hold me while I sob a river or sleep as I am not the most angelic character.

Hurt is perpetual and vigour consuming, to absorb all my hurt, I beg for an osmotic soul to bear hug me to death.

[pumpkinsandrain]

Time is flying through my bronze clock:

Everything is normal until it's not. as they say- "you don't understand the value of something until it's gone"; whether it be a person or a thing, it could even be a feeling.

To look back and say 'I wish someone had told me, I was living in memories I would long for one day so I could have cherished them'

I know I am currently living in memories, but being aware of so doesn't make it any better, just makes it all bitter to me. I will long for the carefree days though how may they be carefree if I let my sorrow consume me?

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What is there to be happy about?

Tomorrow your dog won't be by your side, your parents will be a phone call away with no service, your brother will be a stranger, your sister: molested, your friends: a factor holding judgement over your head and your home a memory.

What are you smiling for?

That today none of those things are my present.

They will be one day though, does that not make you anxious?

Yes, it does. Shall I let it consume me?

How would I know? It's your decision.

That's right 'mine' it's mine. I choose. I hold power to make a choice and I'll choose whatever the fuck I want.

I choose - no.

[pumpkinsandrain]

My sense of direction is weak.

As the title reads, I have a very weak at knowing and remembering paths and directions. I am quite clumsy in that matter.

Is there a way to strengthen it? If so, how much effort does it require? You see I'm a lazy person, I do not like working mentally or physically. Though my desires contradict this trait. I want to be near the top, I want mental baggage, I desire physical pain. Without these factors I'm sure it would always feel empty as if something is missing. I can't imagine living without these factors.

"I want to be near the top" - yes; 'near it' not 'at it' I hate being the center of attention. Even if I am at the top someday day which happens to be unlikely, realistically I would run away and weep.

Being slightly above average is honestly too much fun, so much to work towards to. [ I am disgusted by what I felt writing that (I felt the sentence I wrote.)]

When will I know I have reached my stop? How will I know I'm on the right path? Where do I want to go? Do I want to get off of this vehicle? What vehicle am I traveling in? Why am I even travelling at all?

I hate travelling.

[pumpkinsandrain]

Am I an old man?

i hate the rain, it gets every article wet. It's irritating, gets the ground muddy and not to mention the buzzing bugs surrounding me, making me feel like I might as well be a dead corpse.

The only good thing about rain is the coolness it brings. I confide in the cold, love it to death as if we are one. me and the winter a love that won't shatter or stumble into a ditch.

I hope when I part from soil, whether that takes me up to the sky or down below the crust of the earth; I hope it happens in a winter month. I desire to feel the cold air slap my skin harshly, make cuts in my flesh signifying love. I don't want to die old I want to die young. i want my youth in the afterlife if there is one. I want my bitch to be there by my side as well.

I want to scream at the supreme power

"I demand, TODAY, I DEMAND"

[pumpkinsandrain]

MY ART THROUGH TIME

[pumpkinsandrain]

comprehension of thoughts [impossible]

crazy! it's crazy that people can make other people feel something. An entity technically 'changing' another entity. our thoughts can be heard and comprehended [though not the exact way they are but closely.] by others, anyone who's willing to listen and but minimal effort to understand.

I refuse to believe that someone can truly understand how someone else feels. How can they? they aren't them. They haven't gone through the exact scenarios and situations in their life to build the same character. No one can feel the same as someone else precisely.

I hate the "I understand." comment.

no. you don't.

So shut the fuck up.

[pumpkinsandrain]

08/23

Choosing things is a hideously difficult task, is it not?

There are so many complicated perspectives involved it makes my head spin. The one choosing, the second option and the first option that's being compromised.

in what way is the chooser strained? How is the original option digesting the fact that they are now 1.not the only option 2.being contemplated over 3.at the fear of being not chosen 4.some other thing matches their place? Does the second option ask itself- am I being chosen over or after the initial one above in mind? hoping for it to be insignificant of the either.

[pumpkinsandrain]

xx/08/23

life goes about things we feel and make others feel. i don't quite like that. In all honesty, happiness would make me sick if i feel it each day. i long for the gut wrenching feeling, the panging physical pain in my chest when i feel that feverishly lovable feeling time and time again.

[pumpkinsandrain]

🖤 laptops and candles 🤎

I can't smell the candle until I put my nose on the flame.

[pumpkinsandrain]

trying a tropical peach candle. listening to my alcoholic friends by the Dresden dolls.