pugsofwriting

[pugsofwriting]

Demon HRT

Been reading some of the art people are posting about animal HRT and it inspired this, particularly from @ayviedoesthings @welldrawnfish @kaylasartwork and @nyxisart. Apologies if that @'s you or something, we don't use Tumblr a ton.

This is completely unedited cause if I don't post it now, I don't think I ever will. We wrote the first part with one headmate fronting, the middle part with a second headmate, and the final part with a third headmate.

I quite like how it turned out though. Hope people enjoy it.

The door to the exam rooms opened and a nurse stepped out, checking her clipboard.

“Berith?” she called.

Berith’s pulse picks up and she gets that anxious feeling in her chest, like someone’s squeezing her heart. She stands up and offers what she hopes is a friendly smile to the nurse.

“Hi there, how’s everything going today?” The nurse asks.

“Oh not bad. Just excited for this appointment.” She grins again at her best facsimile of excitement.

“Wonderful! Let’s get your vitals before you head on back.”

Berith sits down in the plastic chair that the nurse (Martha) gestures to, and shifts a few times trying to find a comfortable spot to sit.

Martha shakes her head while she works. “I keep telling them to get better chairs back here but no one listens,” she says half to herself.

Berith rolls back the sleeves of her jean shirt and presents an arm to Martha, who velcros the blood pressure cuff on and clips a pulse reader on her finger. She pushes a button on her machine and the cuff tightens.

Berith tries not to move as the pressure increases. She’s never liked blood pressure cuffs. They squeeze too tightly.

The cuff deflates and Martha checks Berith’s vitals with a small frown.

“Heart rate’s a little high. Any health conditions or medications we should know about?” Martha asks.

“No, I’m just a little nervous,” says Berith with a nervous laugh.

“I see,” says Martha.

She gestures for Berith to get up and points down the long hallway.

“Exam room 8. Walk down this hallway and take a left. Should be the first door on the right.”

She gives Berith a wink before heading towards the entrance to call in the next patient.

Berith pauses for a moment and looks down the hallway before walking steadily down and to the left. She finds exam room 8, coldly lit, windowless, and beige. She sits down on the bed, crinkling the paper lining and waits, kicking her feet over the edge and drumming her fingers against the crisp, white paper.

She looks around the room, though there’s not much to look at. The usual medical posters, vein, muscle, and skeletal anatomy, infographics on flu prevention, diagrams of respiratory systems and inner ears and sinuses. And one newer looking poster on the door, an advertisement for Theriozine.

Berith stares at the poster and swallows nervously.

After waiting a life-age of the earth (10 minutes), there’s a small knock on the door and the handle turns. The door creaks open, revealing a young woman in a lab coat.

“Berith?” she asks.

“That’s me!” says Berith with another excited smile. Or at least she hopes that’s how it looks.

“Nice name,” says the doctor.

“Thanks, I chose it myself.”

The doctor looks Berith up and down quickly. “Right. I’m Dr. Farren.” She reaches out a hand that Berith shakes.

“So what brings you in today?”

“Well, I’d um. I’d like to start HRT,” Berith says.

“Yes, well…” Dr. Farren flips through your char quickly. “It seems you’re already on HRT.”

“No, I want to start that.” Berith points to the poster on the wall and Dr. Farren turns her head to look. She spends a few longs seconds looking before releasing a sigh.

“Right. Theriozine.” She takes off her glasses, pulls a cloth out of her pocket, and begins idly cleaning them.

“To be honest, you’re the first person who’s ever asked. I’ve never had managed Theriozine for a patient before, though I’m aware of the basics. I’ll be sure to read up on it tonight.”

 “So, what do you want to be.” She puts the cloth away and moves checks the glasses against the light before putting them back on.

Berith takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “A demon.”

Dr. Farren stops with her glasses midway on her nose and lowers them to look at Berith.

“A demon? A demon with horns? Like, a biblical demon?”

“Yes.”

Dr. Farren pushes her glasses up her nose and turns to look at the poster again, lost in thought.

“…Dr. Farren?” Berith asks.

Dr. Farren starts and turns around, regarding Berith again with renewed interest.

“Sorry, I was considering the medication. I believe there’s a variant that will achieve the desired effect, but this is beyond my understanding. I don’t feel comfortable prescribing something about which I know little. I’m sorry,” she says, stretching out a hand.

Berith deflates. She takes the hand in front of her, which squeezes a little encouragement back in.

“I understand,” Berith says, “However, I know quite a bit about the demonic variant of Theriozine. I can tell you my ideal dose. I can tell you my target hormone levels. I can tell you the effects from 1 week to 3 years. I know exactly what I want and this is what I need to do it. Please, please prescribe the medication. You can research it all you want after and you’ll see that I’m right. Please, I just need to start.”

Berith notices a tear run down her cheek and takes her hand back from Dr. Farren to wipe it away. She sniffles.

“I’m sorry, I just. I’ve been looking forward to this appointment for almost a year. It’s really hard to find a clinic that’s taking new patients right now and I don’t want to wait another year just to start HRT. Please just trust me on this.”

Dr. Farren regards Berith again and taps a pen against the clipboard. She purses her lips and scrunches her brows.

“Okay. But-“

Berith jumps up to her feet and hugs the doctor abruptly . “Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!”

“But!” Dr Farren says, louder this time. She detaches Berith from around her.

“But, I will see you back here in two weeks for a check up. In that time, I’ll be researching Theriozine for demons and if you’re wrong about dosing, I will adjust your dose as needed.”

Berith nods with pure excitement. “I can do that, I’ll make the time”

“And,” Dr Farren continues, “I would like you to begin a journal to track your transition. Take special note of new cravings or moods, of new sensations, and of any possible complications.”

Dr Farren puts a hand on Berith’s shoulder and gently pushes her to a seating position on the bed. She looks seriously at Berith.

“I’m putting a lot of trust in you here. And with that said, I want you to put some trust in me. That being said, please report any concerning symptoms to me immediately. It seems like you’ve wanted to start HRT for a long time, and I’m sure you don’t want anything to get in the way of your goals. So trust me, and let me know if you experience anything distressing. I promise you I will do my utmost to keep you on HRT. So please, trust me. Deal?”

Dr Farren sticks out her hand to Berith. Berith stares at it for a second, then reaches out and shakes it.

“Deal.”

Berith’s Demon Diary – Day 1

Holy shit I fucking did it. I thought for sure she wouldn’t give me the pills but she did! Dr. Farren seems like a nice lady. Doc, if you’re reading this, thanks.

Anyway, I knew from pictures online, but demonic Theriozine looks downright… demonic. A picture can’t really do service to the glistening obsidian black of the pills. It feels like they should be oozing or something. They’re not, they’re pretty dry just… maybe a little creepy.

BLEGH holy fuck that tastes like shit. If hell has a flavor, I bet it’s this, Jesus. Or should I say Lucifer? Eh, who cares. This shit tastes nasty but hey, as long as it does the job right?

To Berith of the future, it all starts day. I’m sure we’ll remember this day forever.

Day 5

Ugh, I thought the hot flashes on E were bad but this? This is a whole ‘nother level. I feel like I’m burning up. Maybe I am! I’m turning in a demon after all. Demoness? Demon? Hmm, I like both. We’ll workshop that.

Anyway, aside from that, I’ve been feeling kind itchy too. I did email Dr Farren about the new symptoms and she asked me to take my temperature. Currently, I’m hovering around 101F, which is pretty typical from what I’ve read of demon HRT. Dr Farren sounded concerned, but I told her that I trust her, so please trust me. That seems to have settled her down. I’m sure this is going to kickstart her research if it hasn’t already.

I’ll be back whenever the next major development happens. This is Berith signing off.

P.S. to future Berith. You’re gay.

Day 14

Fucking hell, I’m itchy, I’m hot, and I’m kinda pissed off. I feel like I’m back on the island in the middle of August. Sweat dripping down my back, I’m panting like a dog (kinda hot though tbh. Not like that I mean like hot hot. Like, sexy hot. Fuck ignore me), and I’m using every fucking OUNCE of willpower not to scratch.

All the forums say not to scratch during this period or you’ll make it worse, but fuck is that hard. My… everything itches. Between the itchiness. I can barely sleep for all the sweat. I smell like shit and I have to wash my sheets nightly and air out my mattress cause it gets too wet. And that’s if I even sleep at all.

I’m finding it more difficult to sleep these days. I assume it’s from all the sweating, I’ve never had luck sleeping when I’m too hot.

Went in for my checkup today. Dr. Farrne seems more confident in her knowledge of demonic Theriozine. Seems she’s been doing her research after all.

Day 24

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hurts so much. can barely write. pretty sure horns are coming in. no one told me would hurt so fucking much. worst migraine of my life. fuck I wanna die fuck me

emailed dr farren two words: pain, horns. can’t look at screen for too long, makes things worse.

supposed to work today,  texted Kevin I’m sick

hope it’s over soon

Day 25

Pain

Day 26

Pain

Day 27

Pain

Day 28

Pain

Day 29

Less pain

Day 30

Pain      

Day 31

Less pain, maybe better soon

Day 32

It’s Wednesday apparently. Today’s the first day I’m, idk, lucid? I have no memory of the past… 8 days? Jesus fucking christ it’s been 8 days.

Fuck, Kevin has been blowing up my phone all week. I turned it off because I couldn’t stand the fucking noise.

Shit, Dr. Farren has been calling too. She’s concerned about horn development. Apparently the last thing I sent her was “pain, horns.”

Oh fuck, Horns!!!!!!

Okay they’re just nubs, but they’re there! Yes!!!!!!! Fuck I’m excited, this is a huge fucking milestone, I guess. I should email Dr Farren with an update and I guess let her know I’m alive or something.

Still itchy and sweaty as shit, but at least the pain is done. Fuck I smell like shit, I need a shower.

P.S. I looked in the mirror after the shower and my fucking pupils are changing! It was kind of jarring looking into my own eyes and seeing them being to elongate. I swear I see flecks of black starting to invade my sclera, but it might just be my imagination. Horn nubs are kind awkward for now. Goddammit, what about I gonna do about hats!?!?!?!

That’s a problem for future Berith. Future Berith, take it from here.

Day 49 (should I just use months now? Maybe weeks? I’ll figure it out)

Well, my tail is coming in. And fucking hell (hehe) does it hurt. Not nearly as bad as the horns though. The horns felt like someone was drilling a hole in my skull. Which I guess might not be that far from the truth, huh. Still fucking hurts though, I can’t sit down and I can only sleep on my stomach, which is pretty fucking shitty.

Still sweating a bunch and I’ve gotten used to the itchiness to an extent. I can see a few scales pop up around my hands, and my sclera are definitely turning black now. I’m in a weird kinda half-way point between white and black eyes and it’s offputting to be honest.

Uhh, not much else going on. Body temperature still seems to be getting hotter, which is cool. Well, it’s hot. Like hot hot. Fuck, I need to stop doing this.

Month 6

It’s been a while since last update, I know. Life just got… busy. Work started picking up and next thing I knew, I was 6 months on HRT and hadn’t even had the time or the spoons to make a journal entry in 4 months.

Right, the update. So the horns are coming in nicely. They’re around 4-5 inches tall at the moment and don’t seem to be curling, which is good. The sweating has abated, that’s for sure. That being said, I’m really fucking hot. Like, hot hot. Temperature hot. I tried to take my temperature today and the thermometer broke. I bought one of those nice temperature probes for meat and stuff and used that instead. Apparently, I’m hovering around 132F. That’s just… fuck.

As for the scales, they’re starting to spread finally. Still itchy as all hell (get it? Cause I’m a demon now. Future Berith, I will continue making this joke. I’m not sorry). Seems the scales are mostly around my appendages and a little around my face. My hands are fairly well-scaled.

Oh, my hands! My fignernails are sharping and my the scales are turning my hands the same oozing black as the pills, which is kinda weird but alright.

Tail is starting to come in nicely too, though it still hurts. I think it has a few more weeks of growth left based on the current length, we’ll see.

I’ve been keeping in touch with Dr. Farren and she seems fine with the progress. Just had the second follow up and things are going well. My hormone levels “look perfect” according to the good doctor. They’re right about where I expected them to be so take THAT American medical system. I know what the fuck I’m talking about.

Oh right, my feet. They’ve grown, interestingly enough, and none of my shoes fit me. In fact, I don’t shoes would fit me at all. The bottoms are pretty scaly and hard, so I’m not worried about getting a cut or something. But they’re kinda slippery. Makes walking on certain surfaces difficult, so I’ve taken to wearing the fucking psych ward grippy socks when I can. They don’t exactly last long, but it’s all I’ve got for now.

Most notably tho, my feat have… changed. I believe I am now what they call “digitigrade.” My ankle has kinda moved upwards, kind of like some of the canids that are on Theriozine. I haven’t found anyone reference this before, so I’m not really sure what to make of it.

I’ve been researching and I found someone who makes special shoes for those taking Theriozine, so I think I’ll reach out once the shape and size has stabilized.

That’s it for month 6. Good progress so far, can’t wait to see what’s ahead.

This is Berith of the past, signing off.

Month 7

Tail is still growing, not sure when it’s gonna stop anymore. It’s a LOT longer than I read it would be. Might have something to do with genetics… however those play into my demonification.

Month 8

I think my tail finally stopped growing? It hasn’t gotten any longer in a couple weeks so here’s hoping. I’m already finding myself wrapping it around my torso just to keep it out of the way, especially on the train.

Ah, right. The public. The people. I get a good number of strange looks from the general populace, but I’m starting to see more and more otherkin walking around, living their lives. It makes me feel… at home, somehow. It’s like when I would see other queer people when I was human. There’s an intangible sense of belonging. A sense that, even if they don’t know everything I’ve been through, they know enough.

That being said, I do still get the occasional protesting throwing holy water in my face. Lots of the more evangelical Christians are very unhappy with Theriozine and protests have been going on for a good while. I pass by one on the way to work and sometimes I go “RAH” just to spook them a little bit. One of them actually fainted, which I do feel a bit bad about… well, not that bad.

My arms appendages are fully scaled now, and my feet I think are almost done growing. The black scale extends up to my mid-forearm and slowly fades to scale the color of my original flesh. The only areas without scales are my stomach and mid-back. I expect those will grow in pretty soon and I can finally be done with this damnable (get it?) itching.

My temperature seems to have settled around 140F, which is extremely hot. Despite my scales, I still appear to be warm-blooded? No idea how that works, I’m not a fucking doctor.

Oh right, Dr Farren. Sent her an update a few days ago and she thinks things are going every well. No need for further checkups until my next scheduled one at the one year mark. Soon enough, it will have been a whole fucking year. I have no regrets. This is perhaps one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

See you next time, future Berith.

Month 10

Scales are all in! Feet finally stopped growing! Sclera are fully black and my irises have become a deeper shade of green for whatever reason. My pupils are now slits and the black scales encroach out of my hairline just a bit, for that demonic look. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Theriozine.

Okay that one was pretty funny right? Right? Yeesh, tough crowd.

I did finally talk to that cobbler that makes the custom shoes. Maple is it’s name. It and I had a nice conversation and I sent it a plethora of feet pics (for free, I know), as well as some measurements. Lots of measurements. I had Juniper take them for me, cause it’s kind hard to get the right angle.

The shoes will run me quite a bit, but it’s definitely worth it. I’m starting with a softer, but gripper rubber sole and I may order another pair in Danite for more durability. That’ll come later though.

Oh the design of the shoes is fascinating. They’re like… shorter shoes. My feet…. I kinda wanna call them paws…. Fuck it, yeah. My paws go into the leather upper and rest on the soles. My paws are covered against the elements, and I use straps to fasten them to my ankles. They look incredibly comfortable and I can’t wait to get my hands on them.

All in all, things are going pretty great.

Year 1

ONE FUCKING YEAR LETS GOOOOOOOOO.

God, I can’t believe it’s been a full year. I still shudder when I think about my horns coming in…

Speaking of which, I believe they’re nearing the end of development. My guess is that I need another year to completely finish, but they’re approaching their suspected height and look rather intimidating. They are the same glistening obsidian as my darkest scales and they just… feel right.

Everything feels right. It’s like when I started seeing breast growth and fat redistribution with E, but infinitely amplified. I feel at home in my body, truly at home.

I did see Dr Farren yesterday and showed her the development of my paws. She didn’t seem concerned and she mentioned something I’d seen maybe twice in my research: Theriozine, it seems, responds in some way to desire. I’d always assumed that each dose was tailored to the otherkin receiving it, but it seems that’s not the case.

It’s true that there are different varieties of Theriozine to achieve different effects, but things like horn shape and length, scale color, and even the effects I saw with my paws are variable to the user.

It makes sense in hindsight, but I have no fucking idea how they do that. Who fucking cares tbh, it’s giving me and so many others the chance to become who they truly are.

I’ll probably check in again in a while. My changes have mostly stabilized and the rest of what I’ll see will be relatively small and less noticeable in the short-term.

To future Berith. Look how far we’ve come, and look how far we can go.

Year 2

I was thinking I might do an update around 1.5 years but things turned out like this.

My horns are fully developed. They seemed to stop a few months back and now I’m certain that they’re done.

In fact, everything seems to be done. I’m still seeing small changes in my scales (I think the scales themselves are growing larger?) as well as some shifts in coloring, but all the major stuff is out of the way.

Oh, my teeth are kinda pointy now. It took me until I stabbed myself in the lip to actually notice them.

The biggest change that I see (quite literally) is in my vision. I see things differently. I think, my vision has expanded beyond what is typically visible light, and I believe I’ve dropped down into infrared light as well. I can tell the temperature of things by how they look now. It’s odd, and makes everything look kinda of red-tinted. Fitting for a demon, don’t you think.

I think my hearing might’ve also gotten sharper, but that’s about it. Nothing as drastic for my other sense as seeing infrared.

I saw Dr. Farren recently and per her studies, the change in vision is a bit of a milestone. She expects I’ll need to continue HRT for another year or so before I can stop it.

I’m looking forward to the next year.

Year 3

Just like Dr. Farren said, I am officially off of Theriozine! My demonic traits are now stable enough that my body will just maintain them like normal. Because they are normal. Holy shit, they’re normal. This my normal body. This is who I am now, what I am. Fuck, I think I might cry. This is… everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything.

I think this is where the journal ends. My body may continue shifting with time, but not so much as in the first 3 years.

Thank you Dr. Farren for trusting me all those years ago. I believe she’s become one of the more well-known endocrinologists who specializes in otherkin HRT and she seems to enjoy it.

I know no one will likely ever read this journal, but for all my demons out there, for all my otherkin and alterhumans and nonhumans: Take the step. Start Theriozine. I promise you, you will not regret. Just trust yourself to do what’s right for you.

This is past Berith, signing off for the last time.