psychnova

[psychnova]

I'll never settle for second best. 🦄

[psychnova]

I chose you

" The Choice " This is for the woman I love, the most amazing person I have ever known. Call Me Luke, I'm currently working at a Law Firm here in London but I'm from Cebu, I stayed there for a very long time so I'm still used to speaking the local language but with matching British. (I find it actually hard to state this story in full Cebuano language, so please forgive me. I'm exerting all my efforts in writing this for her, this story is quiet long but I hope you take time to read.). My family migrated in London about 7 years ago, but there's no place like home so I pursued my law prep here in the Phillipines. After I graduated, I decided to continue my masters abroad but I usually go home every summer to meet with some old friends because I have my condo unit in Manila and Cebu. That summer, I was not doing fine, it was during the hardest times in my life, those times when I finally decided to end my toxic relationship with someone. I fought for that one girl my entire life, and I did my best to pursue my ambitions for her and for our future but found out I was fighting alone, I thought my life would eventually end the moment she left, I drank and partied 24/7 to forget her, until you stepped into my life. I was at a bar in Cebu that night, it was around 2 A.M when I saw you, you look naive, feels like you don't deserve to be in that place that late, so I approached you. "Miss, you alright?" "Oh, yes. I am. Just a bit uncomfortable." "Yep, I see that. Anything I can do to help?" "Nope, I just – I gotta go…Have fun!" (Then she walked away) She was different. She got this very classy look specially in her red dress, she got this tiny eyes, sakto sa height, nindot og lawas, her hair is natural, dili rebonded and she wore braces – she's beautiful, just the way she is. I couldn't take my eyes off her, na love at first sight ko, I think. So, I ran as fast as I could to catch and luckily, naa pa siya sa parking lot. "You'll drive home alone this late, Miss?" Nakuratan siya, "Oh, didn't saw you coming, but yes – I'm used to driving alone." Gwapa kaayo siya, bisan simple lang. Ni ring iyang phone, naka loud speak so I heard the voice of the caller. "Doc? We need you here, it's urgent." "Okay, I'll be in touch. See you." "So, you're a doctor?" "Uhm, yes, and you?" "Well, I'm still taking my masters abroad, just spending my summer here for good. I'm Luke, by the way." "Okay, nice knowing you, Luke but I gotta go, it's urgent." "Okay, be safe…" I was not able to finish my sentence bc she grabbed her car keys immediately. I just watched her from afar and made sure makalarga ang sakyanan niya safely, but then, something went wrong. "What's wrong?" "Gosh, I think I run out of fuel" Balaka kaayo siya. "I can drive you, don’t worry." I grabbed my keys, gihatod nako siya sa hospital. "I forgot to ask your name." "Oh, sorry – I'm Belle." I would love to know more about you but I lacked confidence that time. I don't want to miss even a single second to know you better but I couldn't, you make me feel insane, I became speechless. Wala nako kabantay nga naa na diay mi sa entrance sa hospital. "I'll be fine here. Thanks, Luke" she gave me a very warm smile. "No problem, doc. Be safe." "I will, you too." I just watched her as she enters the hospital, I wish I could see her again. That night, wala ko nakatulog, I tried to search her name on facebook but I forgot to ask her last name, malas kaayo. What I did is that I tried to visit the hospital's website and searched for her name pero dili nako matrace, I don't even know if that’s her real name. Desperado kaayo ko, so I drove my way back to the bar's carport and parked my car beside her car for me to see her once more the moment she'll fix it. I bought a cup of coffee and some midnight snacks and spent the night inside my car. To my despair, her car was gone the moment I woke up. - FF – I've been spending the whole month looking for her aside from having fun. I was like an insane man looking for his long lost princess but it was all worth it if it's for her. One day, I decided to buy something to eat at a fancy resto, there were plenty of people, mostly couples bc it was Valentine's Day. To my despair, I saw my ex, the woman I fought for almost 3 years with her new boyfriend, I was at rage. Lagot kaayo ko sa iyaha, wala ko nakaagwanta so I left the resto and decided to drink and party that night, Idk what I feel, I don't love her anymore but there's this feeling of discontentment. That night, I was very frustrated, I partied hard until hubog na kaayo ko, I drove my way to places I don't even remember, I turned my music into its full volume and tears started flowing from my eyes, until – nabangga ko, and everything started to fade, I don't remember everything, but I saw Belle's face. - FF – I blacked-out for a few hours, good thing someone saw my car and rushed me to the hospital. I broke a portion of my arm so I had to undergo surgery. They say everything has its own reason, right after the surgery, I understood that it happened for me to see her again. Siya ang nag opera sa akoa. "Luke, are you alright? Is there someone we can contact?" "Belle?" "Yes, its me. You were rushed here last night, please be careful next time." Balaka kaayo siya. "Is there someone we can call?" "No, my family's in London right now, I'm actually alone here in the Philippines. Just paying a visit" "Seriously?" "Yes, but I'll be alright soon, I own a condo here though, I can manage." "I know, but please just be careful. I'll fix your files, you'll be alright soon." - FF – I was finally discharged after 3 days, but my body still aches. "Here you go!" Niana siya while padung na magdrive. "So, what’s your address? I'll make sure you can rest." "Okay (gives my address) Salamat ha?" "For what? Come on, doctor treats, you know. But of the job. Don’t mind it." "Not just that, for everything. You're so kind." "Enough with the compliments, okay. You're welcome. Haha" We both chuckled and I find her so pretty specially bc of her tiny eyes, I truly adored this woman. She bought me some foods too, she's adorable! "So, you live here?" "Yes." "Alone?" "Yes, want to live with me?" "What? She look shocked, but still cute, gigara garaan nako siya. "Hahahahahahahahaha sorry doc, just messing up with you. Laughter is the best medicine diba?" "Hahahahaha is that a joke? I thought that was real, so disappointed." Hahahahaha mas nisamot ko og kaibog sa iyaha, maypag ka garaon sad diay siya, lingaw kaayo siya ikauban and she's so caring, very wifey material. We looked about many things, about studies, mostly about mine. "Know what, you remind me of someone." "Who is that?" I said Padung na siya motubag sa dihang ni ring iyang phone. "Doc, we need you." "Luke, I have to go again. They need me rn, you know my job." "It's alright, Belle. I can manage. Thank you for everything." "You're welcome, Luke. See you soon." Abi ko og last nato nga makita nako siya, nakaingon ko sa akong self nga if ever that would be the last time that I can see her, then I'd be willing to risk myself to death to see her once again. I know busy siya always, I don't even know a lot about her, so I assumed nothing, I am loving her secretly. To my astonishment, she visited me the next day, she brought foods, foods and some medicines. She even washed my bedsheets (she's very handy, she makes sure my house is tidy before she will leave for I should not do the chores daw my own.) Grabi, samot ko'g kahigugma aning bayhana ba. I ordered some dinner, a way of thanking her for everything. "Belle, let's dine before you leave, please?" "Alright, no worries and thanks by the way." I prepared the dinner when she asked me something about my piano (actually my Mom's, but kept it for myself.) "You play the piano?" "Yes, I do, Since kindergarten hahaha, you?" I heard no response, until she beautifully played the Hungarian Sonata by Clayderman. I had goosebumps, it was so beautiful, she was a pro when it comes to piano. Gibiyaan nako akong giandam and stared at her while playing, she was perfect. I was enjoying every second with her, I could not ask for more, that her being with me, always. Suddenly, she stopped. "I should probably go, I'm sorry." Tears started flowing from her eyes. I was confused. I wanted to ask her why, but she left in deep sadness. It's been 2 weeks since the last time I saw her and it feels like, I've been missing her every second. I had no one to talk to, I stayed home and played all the melodies I use to play in the piano, hoping this could heal the pain of losing her. I waited for few more days, it was about time for me to give up. I thought, maybe she wasn't meant for me, or maybe our paths crossed temporarily, not more than that. One day, someone left a huge box outside my room. It was a cake, freshly baked by her, with the words "The Doctor Is In." I was so happy, such a sweet gesture from her, I was waiting for that moment and I could not believe that was happening. I hurriedly grabbed my keys to find her but she was standing outside my room. "Hi, I'm sorry." "It’s fine, really. I missed you, Belle." "I miss you too, Luke. May I come in?" "Of course." We partake the cake she baked for me, and talk about many things, we watched a movie and enjoyed each other's company but deep inside me, there's still this part that seeks for answers the night she cried. "What is it, Belle. Please talk to me." I stared at her. "I'm sorry, Luke. I just don't feel good that night, and the moment I started playing that song on the Piano, it reminded me about something in my past." "What do you meant? I know I'm in no position to hear your story but I'd be willing to listen." It took a minute of hesitation before she started sharing her story. She was raised in a very disciplinarian family, they came from a wealthy family and she's the only daughter. Her parents had big expectations towards her, she became a consistent Top 1 student and did well in all aspects. She was 15 when she stepped into college, she was an advanced learner. While she was in college, she met someone, her first love. The problem is that theirs was a forbidden love because her parents did not allow her to be involved in a relationship. Both of them we're in love intensely that time. Belle did not give up on him, instead she gave up her studies and broke her parents' trust and everybody's expectation. She was maltreated and humiliated for choosing the guy but she took the risk. The man loved her in return, he continued his study regardless and promise to fight for her until the end, until she heard nothing from him. There was no valid explanations, no proper goodbye. I know how hard it is for her to share this thing to me, she was crying and all I can see is pain, regret and love. She loved this man more than her life, that she was willing to give up everything for her, the problem is, it's not certain if that man already gave up on her or not, still she's hopeful they'll see each other, even after how many years. She leaned towards me and I hugged her tightly to comfort her. She was like a child, finding some place to stay. It kills to see her like this, that time, I decided not to tell her my feelings for I don’t want to confuse her feelings and I was afraid to loose her, I know I can never beat the man she used to love, her first love. Bisan sakit kaayo, I chose to be her best friend, I listened to everything she have been sharing about the guy, every smile from her as she reminds herself of their memories is equivalent to every pain in mine. Pero gikaya nako, I love her so much, I want her to be happy. We spent plenty of times together. We became very close, I knew all her secrets and he knew mine too, even about my ex and all the girls I dated. We were very comfortable, feels like we've known each other since birth, we know each other's details, no matter how little it is. During her duty, I would send her motivational messages to keep her going and I make sure, she comes home safe. Sometimes, I would invite her with some conference with my fellow International Law Students, she likes debates and she's into politics. I kept on missing the moments with her trying to fix my necktie and everything about us. She likes café while she listens to old songs but I like bars with loud noises but I chose to jam with her. She loves to eat foods with cheese and I hate it, but for her I tried to love it. She loves to watch Nicholas Spark's Movies and I find it boring but for her, I tried to fully grasp the stories and we even cried together. She changed me, and every second of every day, I kept on choosing her. The days turned to weeks, then to months, until I had to go back to London for my studies. We kept in touch with each other through the net. Seeing her was the highlight of my day, even my entire week. I was inspired to study harder, and pursue something for her, I know I was being one-sided due to the fact that I am certain she still loves her first love and still waits for her every day, I know that. She risked everything for that guy and I know that the guy loves her too, who could unloved someone as perfect as her? I don't think there love story already ended, and I accepted it. We became best friends for 4 years, until I finally finished my masters. "Hi Luke, I have a good news!" "What? You seem to be so excited, ha. Found Mr. First Love already?" I joked. "Shut up!" Then she showed me her plane ticket "See? I made sure I can see you while you finally reach your dreams!" I was shocked, as in? I was beyond blessed as in completely happy that she will attend my graduation and will spare a week here in London with me. That time, I told myself that I'll never miss this chance for me to confess my feelings towards her, it's now or never. I love her and I chose her, without hesitations, without doubts, I can't lose this woman, not anymore. Few more days before her flight. I made sure I look good and decent. I've changed a lot after the last time we saw each other, I became very manly and I know she did too, I couldn't wait to see her, I already planned for the places we're going to visit and the memories we're going to make. She arrived very early in London, from afar – despite the odds, all I saw was her, no one but her. She ran towards me and hugged me so tight, that was one of the most beautiful memories I had with her. I hugged her tightly in return and kissed her forehead, I missed you Belle. So much! I'm glad you're finally here with me. Thank you for everything. "All for you, Luke. I don't know how am I suppose to handle everything I've been through without you being here with me. I won't trade you over anything." Then she hugged me back. We spent our days together, I strolled her around the city and she was so happy. She can't stop taking photographs and I see real joy behind her eyes. I introduced her to my parents and my friends and we spent the remaining days together, we were very happy. She got no idea I was already preparing my surprise for her after my graduation, I already told the University about my plans, right after the ceremony, I'm going to confess my feelings for her. - FF – Graduation Ceremony I went there early, I had to settle things regarding my plans and I chose not to tell everyone about it, just my close friend, Neo, who is a Filipino also, we've been comrades since I took my Masters here. The ceremony went fine, she was there, she was very beautiful in her white dress. I was a so nervous not for the oath taking but for my confession but tried to remain calm. I graduated with honors so had this privilege to share my speech. She was so proud of me, and I am to have her too. As I utter my final word, we went back stage and the surprise took place. "Bro, I forgot something. Give me a sec." I forgot the flowers so I went searching for it. "Okay, man. Get back soon, she's waiting." (Lights have been turned off) It took a while before I found the bouquet. I grabbed it and ran as fast as I could, I can't wait for this, this is it. This is it! This surprise is gonna be a blast! I sigh in nervousness as I opened the lights but to my desperation. They were hugging each other. "Luke, its him." They were both crying. Neo seemed shocked, they finally met after how many years. And I could not barely believe nga sa tanang pwede mahimong amigo nako, ngano siya pa. Nganong siya pa man gyd? All I see is happiness in her eyes despite her tears, Neo was shocked, he was crying and hugged her so tight. "I missed you, Belle. You have no idea how much I do. I did everything for you, I wanted to prove something to your parents, that I am worthy for your love and I am so glad we've met again" Mura ko og hinay-hinay nga gipatay sa akong nakita. Sakit kaayo, pero wala nako'y nahimo. They were meant for each other, and maybe the reason why she was sent to me is for me to guide her way back to him. Nilakaw ko, I did not say a single word. Bugnaw kaayo ko and I drove my car towards some unknown places and I cried all night, I was a crazy man that night, I shouted and cried and broke everything inside my car. I stayed there for a few days, I did not contact anyone and booked my flight to Paris, I want to forget everything even if I don't know where to start. I was about to drove my way away from London when I realized that I have not eaten anything, so I bought something and went to the airport. The moment I was about to depart, she came. "Luke, I'm sorry." "Sorry for what? You know, you don't really have to. I get it, okay? I am so happy for you two, and you should know that, my task is done, alright? You're finally home now." I said it in a very unmanly tone "Luke, you don't understand." "Understand what? That no matter how hard I try, I could never replace him because you've been spending your whole life waiting for that shit to come back? I get it, I am just someone passing through your life and assumed that ours was real, I get it, Belle." "You're not just someone to me, Luke. You are the only person who chooses to stay awake listening to my dramas, the person who chooses to listen to old songs and jam at cafes even when he hates it, the person who tries the best he could to appreciate the taste of my Mac and Cheese. The person who would stay awake at 3 A.M while watching Nicholas Spark's Movies even he wants to watch Game of Thrones, the only person who chooses to send me motivational messages even when he needs them more during his recitations and debates, the only person who proved to me that love is a matter of choice. Yes, I love him and I waited for him, but there's this difference between loving and waiting. You taught me how to love again, and I can't take that love away from you." We were both crying, the plane already departed and I did not care. We kissed each other passionately, I did not care what will people say, I have no control over myself. I love her so much and he made me love her even more by saying those words. "Belle, why me?" "Because you chose me first." The surprise turned into something real, instead of asking her to be my girl. I asked her to be my wife, I proposed right away. This time, there were no flowers, nor an expensive ring, a hired band nor a photographer. It was just me and my unfailing love for her. This is to woman I'm going to marry this year, “I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you” With Love, Atty, Luke

[psychnova]

I am a loner but not socially awkward. It only means that I’ve got more free time to daydream and observe people from afar. 

“I guess I'm pretty much of a lone wolf. I don't say I don't like people at all but, to tell you the truth I only like it then if I have a chance to look deep into their hearts and their minds.” ― Bela Lugosi

[psychnova]

Destroy what destroys you.

Dear You,

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are enough. People will see only the skin-deep image of yourself and not what’s inside. They have eyes that judges you based on hearsay and by merely watching you walk, talk, laugh, dress, etc... Then those what you hear from them made you feel cold, hurt, confused and shaken your inner peace. What I am trying to tell you is that, your self-esteem and confidence are at risk if you’ll be shaken off by those kind of people. They will wait for you to take that bait. Then, game over.

Think of happy thoughts. Be kind with people who needs it more. That fleeting moment of pain will just passed by, it is temporary so don’t get carried away. You’re anger won’t do anything good and so as your despair. It will ruin you more. Just take a deep breath and walk away. Know your value. Know your capabilities. Always remind yourself that you, my friend, is enough. Nothing more, nothing less than anything they say. Take it as a challenge to be a better you. Destroy what destroys you by simply being beautiful. ^_^

Love,

Me