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i do not know my father

i know his name and what he looks like

and the way he talks and what he eats

i know his favorite color used to be green

i know i believed in him when i was young

and that i held on to that belief every weekend until i was sixteen

it was then that i realized i do not know my father

in any way that matters

in any way that goes beyond how much taller he is than me

or if he seemed sober last time i visited

all my life i’ve been told i look just like a man

who couldn’t tell you the color of my bedroom walls

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The Notebook (2004) dir. Nick Cassavetes

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Rachel Mcadams in The Notebook 2004

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The Notebook (2004) dir. Nick Cassavetes

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A year ago,

The pain was a scream battering my ear drums.

I screamed along with it; let it consume me.

It dulled my senses and made my vision hazy.

Now, the screams have settled into a gentle hum.

It buzzes in my bones, beneath my skin.

Proof of my lost heart.

But I’ve learned to live with it.

I don’t expect you to pop up from some place and turn my life around anymore.

I don’t expect you to answer my texts anymore.

I’ve stopped expecting miracles. I’ve made peace.

Some nights I still cry, but the number of times I smile during the day are more.

I’m on a path to a new place, without you beside me.

This makes me believe I can let you go.

But not just yet.

So I still keep all your clothes in my closet

And all our memories in my heart.

      - I’ve moved on but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

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“My grief and I are still so ill-acquainted; two strangers sharing one body. We bump into each other while reaching for the toothbrush, while walking the dog across the street. And I’m so close to recognizing her, I’ve listened to her cry at the bottom of the bathtub and watched her rub her eyes at a funeral. I want to tell her it’s all okay, I’m here too, and we can be here together, I am just too afraid to speak.”

— Schuyler Peck, Parts of Me I Haven’t Met (20/30: Grief)

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“All of the abused child’s psychological adaptations serve the fundamental purpose of preserving her primary attachment to her parents in the face of daily evidence of their malice. By developing a contaminated, stigmatized identity, the child victim takes the evil of the abuser into herself and thereby preserves her primary attachments to her parents. Because the inner sense of badness (shame) preserves a relationship, it is not readily given up even after the abuse has stopped; rather, it becomes a stable part of the child’s personality structure. Similarly, adult survivors who have escaped from abusive situations continue to view themselves with contempt and to take upon themselves the shame and guilt of their abusers. The profound sense of inner badness becomes the core around which the abused child’s identity is formed, and it persists into adult life.”

— Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

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He tried.

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Okay but one thing that pisses me off is when people are talking about someone that’s in an abusive relationship and they’re like, “why are they still in that relationship though??” 

I understand if you’ve never been in an abusive relationship and say this, but please understand this: people in abusive relationships stay in that relationship because there’s more to the relationship than the abuse. Their partner is most likely not abusive 24/7.

Abusive people are not always abusive. They have good qualities, too; things that make people love them. Things that make people think they’re not all bad. Things that make people stay in an abusive relationship. When you’re manipulated like that, it’s hard to leave.

So please, before you judge someone for staying in an abusive/toxic relationship, please realize it’s hard for someone to leave that relationship when they’re attached to the good qualities.

Instead of questioning why they’re still in the relationship, actually do something and help them.

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the real protect and serve 

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The strong urge to end it all, the violent temptation to destroy my body, the unending desire to never have existed, the helpless desperation to not be alive. I don’t know how much longer can I live each day feeling all this.

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"Please don't be lonely when I'm gone... I've been so sad for far too long."

Asking Alexandria, "Gone"

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Dude, you know I’m doing bad when I escape to tumblr.

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Signs Of Abuse We Don't Talk About

1. “Am I REALLY being abused? If I was, I wouldn’t be doubting it, right? It’s probably nothing, other people have it worse, who am I to complain?”

2. When they’re in a bad mood, it’s everyone’s problem. Nobody gets to have a good day if they’re not happy.

3. Threats- even if they don’t follow through with them. “I’ll hit you”, “I’m about to do something regrettable”, “Move that dog before I do”, “Do I need to talk to your boss?”

4. You begin to notice a cycle of problems being turned on you- they do something unacceptable, you react normally, they calm down and talk and somehow, it was all secretly your fault. Every conflict ends with you apologizing, no matter who starts it or what they might have done. Every time you think you’re right, every time you think you understand what’s going on, it turns out that you overreacted. You’re too sensitive. You can’t be trusted to know what’s real.

5. You don’t want to be alone with them or spend time with them. Not because they’re abusive, because ‘abuse’ is a pretty strong word- you just don’t feel comfortable around them. It makes you tense. It’s probably nothing

6. Sometimes you want them to hit you. And isn’t that messed up? It can’t possibly be abuse if you’re asking for it. That must mean that you’re the evil one, you’re the manipulative one- you’re not being abused, you just want attention, you just want to be the victim. Even if they did hit you, it wouldn’t be their fault- you gave them no choice. It’s your fault, not theirs. It’s not their fault that they hit you.

7. You don’t know what you’d do without the bad things. It’s not all bad, of course- things are good sometimes, and they can be really sweet. They’re a good person, really- but you can’t imagine a life without the bad parts. What would it look like? It would probably feel pretty empty. Boring, even. What would you do without it? Who would you be?

8. Who are you without them? Do you know? What’s an opinion you have that they don’t agree with? Why do you have it? Do you remember where it came from? Do you trust that source? More than you trust them? Are these difficult questions? Why are they difficult? Is it hard to think about? Why is it hard to think about?

9. Seeing healthy, happy relationships makes you distinctly uncomfortable for reasons you can’t articulate. Young love makes you feel scorn and contempt- happy, outgoing children are hard to talk to. It’s hard to listen when they talk, and it’s hard to look at them when they’re around.You can’t say why- you just need to get away from it.

10. Obviously, the person who wrote this has been through more than you. You haven’t been through anything like that- you’re not abused. I mean, a lot of things on this list clicked with you, but… Nah. Maybe? Maybe you have been abused. But you won’t believe it in twenty minutes. You certainly won’t tell anyone.

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sensory overload is Hell because how are u gonna explain to someone that u can’t do your work rn because everything around u is a little too much