productofmyancestors

[productofmyancestors]

[productofmyancestors]

Praise Dancers, Edna, Texas, 2022 from Hardtack - Rahim Fortune

[productofmyancestors]

[productofmyancestors]

Sometimes I’ll be sitting in the nail salon with my nail tech Jenny and I’ll wish that he was here to witness this version of me. Well maintained and flourishing. But, then I let it pass.

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The one thing that gives me a bit of clarity is that if this man had something to say. If he wanted to clarify, rekindle or reconcile, he would do it. As a grown man, he would just reach out. But he hasn’t. Similarly, I think the same for him giving his perspective. Why do I have to ask a grown person for his perspective? Why not just reach out and say “hey, I’d like to tell you my side of things. I don’t want you thinking this way.” He has the autonomy to do whatever you want. He could have chosen not to keep me in the dark.

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I’m just thinking about the love shared. The love and care and time poured into a person and their family. The memories. Just for the person who shared those moments with you to give up on you. For them to only focus an outcome that centers themselves and not even think about asking you what you want or need. After you’ve compromised your wants for them.

This is how I know I have one relationship left in me (if that). I can’t be heartbroken like I was again.

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Two people have to choose eachother and show up and be committed. They have to continue to choose through any obstacles. They have to choose their relationship everytime. Thats me and that’s the kind of love I deserve. Yes, deserve.

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Perspective shift: what an honor it is to love so deeply, lose that love and recover. What an honor it is for the person I loved deeply to stop choosing us and to make room for someone else to do so.

Everything is a honor because I’m alive.

[productofmyancestors]

The most funny thing about this is that he will be engaged or married in a year or two. He’ll say the same things to this woman, do the same things with her, introduce her to his family…. Just like he did for his ex before me, and then for me. He thought he was going to marry us all. Hopefully third times the charm smh.

While I was four years in and didn’t get as much as a proposal. I made it known that I was ready to move forward to that next step in our relationship. I didn’t need marriage anytime soon but I wanted to be engaged. I was ready. But of course, everything was on his time. Everything had to be perfect for him in order to do it. Even though he’d been promising me since 2020 that I was the one.

He was not a man of his word.

Even when he leaves me and breaks my heart, he still finds a way to keep me in the dark. And then makes it seem the reasoning he didn’t let me in on his perspective because “I didn’t ask”. You are a grown man, why do you need my permission to tell me your perspective? Why can’t you take initiative and say “ hey I’d like to explain why I did what I did, is that ok? I should not have to ask him to do that. I think that If he respected and cared for me enough, he would have already done it. But time and time again, it is me having to reach out and bare my feelings to even get him to respond to me. It is me having to create space for my feelings because he didn’t create it. And then I get labeled as “dumping” when he’s the one who has control over everything. He constantly leaves things unanswered and unresolved, but expects there to be peace.

[productofmyancestors]

[productofmyancestors]

I’m 28 today. Time flies and so much has changed in my life. Things I’ve prayed for and things I didn’t see coming.

Life feels fleeting and precious.

Birthdays are like the start of a new year for me. And this year will be one of self control, personal + spiritual discipline and certainty. I will only make room for people I am certain about and who make me feel they are certain about me.

Thank God, without him I’d be nothing. I’m living answered prayers. This is all him.

Immense gratitude to those who’ve helped me to get here. People from the past and present who prayed over me and covered me with extra protection.

I’ve saved a lot of love for myself. I’m proud of me. I know I have more work to do. I know I desire more from life. But today, and every day I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful to be here.

And lastly, shout out to Tumblr for being the outlet I didn’t know I needed.

Happy 28th to me.

[productofmyancestors]

Lagos, Nigeria, Unknown

[productofmyancestors]

[productofmyancestors]

Thank God for my therapist and the ways I’ve grown.

[productofmyancestors]

He will feel my absence and I will feel his.

We could try again if we really wanted to. Put all of this behind us. Have the raw and uncomfortable conversations. But he hasn’t shown me that.

Him still questioning if I’m the type of person he needed after four years was very mad. I just wished I was enough. I think about his actions before he asked for the break. He was already pulling away.

What a mean thing to do to someone you love. At least in my eyes.

I miss him so much and this experience has been so difficult. I hope I never have to go through it again.

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I’m proud of myself for doing the work and I have a lot more to do before I can build and maintain the healthiest version of a relationship with someone else. And I hope the next man comes along sees my effort, fully accepts me as I am; any growth I do is just a plus, and stays. Stays with me so we can get this right.

Prayers up.

[productofmyancestors]

Ah I’m connecting the dots. Maybe it was my bio, lol. Idk how he would even find my new ig to begin with, but I would hope that’s not the reason he went out his way to block me lol. It’s not that deep to me because it was an inside joke. But maybe to him it was.

It’s interesting to see how quickly he blocks me, but took like an entire year to block his ex before me. And then somehow she became unblocked later on. I think about all the things I sat through while he entertained her. But he didn’t give me half the grace. Got on an entire call with her but has yet to call me.

Well, maybe he’s grown from that. Good for him.

I remember when I was first just trying to move forward. And when I said move forward, I meant just making it through day by day. Move forward because my life felt like it got ripped from under me. I was heartbroken.

Now I feel like I can start taking steps to move on. Not even in a sense of like move on with dating. I’m not interested in dating. I still miss him as my partner. I genuinely think he was one of the loves of my life. So when I say move on, I just mean moving on from the pain. Letting go of the hurt and anger. I just want to be free.