productofmyancestors

[productofmyancestors]

My family is healing and it’s so beautiful to witness. We came a long way. Thank you God.

[productofmyancestors]

I think I’ll miss him for the rest of my life.

[productofmyancestors]

I love my father and I make me sad that he was so comfortable for decades. So stuck in his ways and didn’t have the agency to change. Now he’s unhappy, has been for years and is very aware of it. He’s afraid of change, so he won’t. And I want better for him. He says never to be like him.

But I pray for his happiness.

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He dug his grave and I thought he would try to make this better. But he literally just left me behind. I will never forget that.

The thing is I never disagreed with the mistakes I made. I agreed I needed change and stability. And that came as soon as my environment changed. And I told him that was going to be the catalyst for my life to change.

So I feel like there’s no excuse for him. I feel like he just wanted to preserve himself. That’s messed up to me.

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One thing I will say: even if he and I never speak again, I am forever changed in some of the best ways because I knew and loved him. As upset and disappointed as I was in him, I always felt that.

[productofmyancestors]

Well some days are great, most days are good/fine and other days I cry endlessly and can’t leave the bed until midday.

Healing is such a skewed process. But the good days far outweigh the bad now. I remember when that wasn’t a thing. So I’m grateful.

[productofmyancestors]

Lee-Ann Olwage

The Right To Play, 2022

Archival Pigment Print

24 × 28 in | 61 × 71.1 cm

[productofmyancestors]

Anyway life is great right now. I feel like I’m able to just live, free of judgement and this heaviness to constantly do and be.

Some things that I do/ no longer do now that I feel life is happening for me and not to me:

- I do not shrink myself anymore. I don’t care what spaces I don’t fit into or whose feelings I think need sparing. I say what I feel, even if I have to reword it to be more respectful. I do not sit on my feelings for the sake of “keeping the peace.”

- I meet people where they are even more than I already did.

- I lean on my community. Just because he left me doesn’t mean everyone else will.

- I do not react immediately anymore. Sometimes I take days and months purposely to process my feelings. And if I need to tell someone that I need time to process, I will tell them.

- I go slow. I just do and exist without a care of looking or being cool. My ex seemed lowkey obsessed with that sometimes. And it made him (and essentially me) so judgemental.

- I go out and meet people. As much as I love my house, I have to get out of it.

Ok bye for a while Tumblr. You helped save my life.

[productofmyancestors]

I was so angry at him. And that heavy emotion was eating away at me and my ability to communicate effectively.

My feelings are so much deeper than I was able to explain while I was angry.

[productofmyancestors]

He just wanted things to go his way. That’s the core of it all. If I was just considered, or respected more or asked what I needed and wanted, or met with in the middle, things would be different.

I still feel a loss. Like there’s this space in my chest that can’t be filled right now unless it’s him.

But I try to remind myself that if he wanted to be here with me he would be. This was his choice and his only.

And one day I will be over him completely.

[productofmyancestors]

I remember, he told me that the reason he didn’t want to get back in a relationship at the time that we agreed to move forward was because if he got back in a relationship with me, he wouldn’t want to leave. Even if he didn’t mean it maliciously, who wants to hear that? Why would I want to hear that from someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?

I don’t think he will ever realize the affects of his actions and his words until he speaks to me. But he’s avoiding so he refuses to.



[productofmyancestors]

I wish I could talk to him about the United assignation rn, these Jay Z allegations, so much. Omg we would be having a time doing a deep dive on all of this.

That is what I miss the most. Having a built in best friend who I could have two hour long conversations about the state of the world, class consciousness and all the ways America as we know it is crumbling. He would almost always present a thought that made my mind explode.

We had the best conversations of anyone in my entire life. And that was his superpower.

[productofmyancestors]

I’m at the point now where I feel stupid for staying in the relationship for as long as I did. I remember when we first got together he felt strongly enough to get on a call with his ex and her best friend and sit through that call for like an hour to talk about their past relationship.

And like a fucking fool, I stayed. But he hasn’t reached out to me. I just find it funny.

Like there were so many times that I looked back like wow I should’ve left him, but I didn’t cause I loved him. But he didn’t love me enough or even worse, he didnt think love was enough.

[productofmyancestors]

I truly love his family to death, and will always hold them dear to my heart. I remember going to London to visit his uncle when he was sick and then seeing him after his recovery. We thank God.

His family meant everything to me and it makes me sad that some other woman will be experiencing them for the rest of her life when I thought it would be me.

But even still, his family has nothing to do with how he disappointed me, played games with me, and left me.

His family was not the only form of commitment that I needed. Any woman could be introduced to his family. The next woman will be.

I wanted his last name. I wanted him to commit to me life. It wasn’t for show. I was rooting for us to get eloped without telling anyone. I kept saying that we could wait for a wedding, I just wanted to take the next step.

The ring could have been a ring pop and I would have said yes.

I think that was the difference between us. He was the person for me. I would have married him under any circumstances. But he didn’t feel the same.

[productofmyancestors]

But if I could show him this life, this version of me… maybe we would have made it.

I still find myself in a moment and thinking of how he’d love it. How I wish he was beside me doing it with me. But then it pases and I realize how grateful I am not to be breaking down over him anymore. How I can do something and not have him in my mind. How I can cherish the present with the people who fill my life with joy. Sometimes he’s not even an after thought.

That doesn’t scare me anymore. I wish it was different but I’ve accepted it is not.

[productofmyancestors]

I am so blessed. God has brought me so far in these last eight months of the year. My mental space has cleared up immensely. I’ve learned a lot and applied a lot, from current and past, to my life.

God is working even when I can’t see. And faith without works is dead. I pray God continues to bless me and I will always show up ready for him to guide me.

[productofmyancestors]

Kelis photographed by Cheryl Dunn (1999)