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[producersalem]

One advantage of not really having a strong sense of gender identity is that you’re very [shrug emoji] about how people gender you. Sometimes people call me by she/her pronouns and sometimes they go with he/him pronouns and on the internet people often default to they/them, and neither option is entirely right but also, fuck if I know what would be right, and I don’t particularly care. Therefore I’m perfectly happy to outsource my gender identity to the people around me who actually need to figure out which box to put me in. I don’t need to talk about myself in third person, so really my pronouns sound like a you problem.

[producersalem]

An ad for your deepest desires :)

[producersalem]

i don't want boy pussy i want Man CUNT i want that pussy that's gonna grab my dick and shake it FIRM like a job interview

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Happy black cat day!!

Here are some black cats I've drawn through the years

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All the gays right now

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The only constant.

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the terror of being found by something seeking a frontier

[producersalem]

For me, testosterone didn't remove/reduce my emotions, it it just made the way I experience certain emotions feel different. Like, sadness used to be a more consuming, full-body emotion and now I mostly experience it in my head, if that makes sense. If anything I'd say being on T has made me more empathetic because now I don't feel as caught up in feeling bad over someone else's suffering and I can be present with them in their feelings without feeling overwhelmed by my own.

Hey there Alastair ☁️ Hope you're doing okay! I'm going on T in December (!!!) and I just have a quick question: is it true that T makes it harder to "access" one's emotions? I'm a very emotional dude and I like that about myself. Thanks, have a nice day!

Ah congrats! I did make a post about this a while ago which for some reason got wildly misunderstood, so I’ll try again.

When taking testosterone, the only factual thing about it in relation to emotions is that is can change your baseline emotional state and/or emotional responses to certain stimuli. Exactly which emotion(s) it influences, how much, how little, and how often is pretty much impossible to determine. 99% of studies that claim testosterone is an emotion blocker or causes lack of empathy are made from inconsistent or biased control groups, sexist or transphobic conductors, differing doses and frequency of doses between study groups, and extreme lack of consistency in social, psychological, and medical backgrounds of participants among many other discrepancies. Many studies also attempt to explore the effects of testosterone within the framework of the gender binary, which renders most if not all of their findings innately skewed and therefore inconclusive.

The other fact is most studies claiming testosterone is the Ultra Emotion Empathy Blocker support the eugenicist rooted theory of EMB, Extreme Male Brain, (or similar theories) which states that there are fundamental and consistent differences between “Male” and “Female” brains, which as we know has already been disproven. Long story short, this theory is one of many factors in studies of testosterone effects that tries to see science through an already highly distorted lens. It’s not technically possible to broadly, accurately, and consistently scientifically measure emotional response for the simple fact that everyone is different, inside and out. Most studies on the emotional effects of testosterone we have today do more to uphold gender stereotypes/gender binary than they do neurological science or endocrinology.

While T is commonly viewed as the Empathy Blocker Angry Hormone through stereotype, majority result from iffy case studies, or even transs*um on the internet looking to boost some toxic bullshit, just know that findings aren’t solid as to whether or not T actually decreases emotion or empathy. Some people on my last post decided it would be Cute to angrily explain to me how they “stopped crying and being over-emotional” because of testosterone (i.e. people who were hellbent on boasting how their lack of emotion/empathy was making them “””more male””” because they relate lack of such to a “”Male Brain””) or implied because they stopped being emotional the same would be true for everyone.

I found myself being more capable of expressing emotion after testosterone, but whether that was due to testosterone itself or my hardened, angry heart finally melting because HRT made me happy, we’ll never know. Same goes for my elevated baseline mood. Could it have been a little of both? Probably. But the fact still remains, just because I reacted this way doesn’t automatically mean anyone else will, nor does it mean anyone who finds themselves suddenly emotionally distant dictates that others on T will feel the same. There really is no concrete way to determine how your emotions would be, but at least feel comfort to know T does not mean a goodbye to being emotional! If you react in a similar manner to me, you certainly get to keep your sensitivity with the added benefit of feeling happier! :)

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[producersalem]

🍰 & 🍬

🍰 do you like sweet or savory food more?

I have a big sweet tooth

🍬 what food is most nostalgic for you?

Ravioli is the first thing to come to mind because I loved it as a kid, but I would also say my famous cheese sandwich and this one comes with a story.

When I was little I used to ask for a sandwich with two bread, two cheese, one mayonnaise. Lots of people were confused by what I meant. Basically I wanted two pieces of bread and two pieces of cheese but only ONE piece of bread to have mayo on it. That was my favorite meal for a while. Eventually I got sick of it and I can't even think about eating mayo anymore, but it definitely does bring up nostalgia to think about!

[producersalem]

This week's episode of the Hosea Hustle was so atrocious, I had to do art about it. Find out more at https://the-hosea-hustle.pinecast.co/episode/0b050eb1/beeper-peeper

[producersalem]

97! (this is very important)

dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

Truly, this is the most important question!

I’d have to say, milk just slightly above dark, and white chocolate last. I don’t like super dark chocolate where it tastes too bitter, but I do like a nice bite to it, y’know?

There’s a line of Galaxy chocolate over here (I think the chocolate brand is called Dove in the US??) that’s dark choc and it’s just perfect. But generally I prefer milk chocolate across the board. About the only white chocolate I used to enjoy was the Milky Bar kind. @producersalem

[producersalem]

Oh come on

Me, age 8: lots of things in the world are bad but at least there is America :)

Me, age 18: lots of things in America are bad, but at least there’s the rest of the world :)

Me, today: lots of things are bad but at least there is... um... the moon

[producersalem]

i just wanna say that i actually genuinely profoundly love every other trans person in a way that is so different from any other bond i’ve ever had. like, one of my mom’s friends just had his daughter come out as trans and i don’t know anything about her but her name and that she’s a few years older than me and i think about her every single day and wish for good things to happen to her. my mom told me she got a really good job this week and i cried because i was so happy to hear she was doing well. one of my old roommates was a trans man and he taught me how to do my t shots and bought me shaving cream and nice straight razors when i started needing to shave my face and i still think of him every time it’s shot day. there’s a young trans guy who i went to high school with and we never really talked but if he ever needed anything i’d be there in a second. i see him around town sometimes and like literally we are always so happy to bump into each other even though we’ve never hung out even once. my regular server at this restaurant i went to every week was trans and he teased me about how boring my order always was and complimented me on my jackets and like for a solid year i looked forward to mondays because i knew i was going to see him. like i literally love trans people so much i love us so much. for all the transphobia and dysphoria and stupid infighting and bullshit we put up with we are so strong and so beautiful and like honest to god actually magical and i love us so so much.

[producersalem]

I made a non-binary edit

[producersalem]

I also had a ‘slowburn queer experience’ but for me it was less about developing an understanding of myself and more about actually listening to the things I was saying. I’d been saying since kindergarten that I didn’t want to be a girl. I’d been saying since middle school that I hated having breasts. I’d been saying since college that being perceived as a ‘man’ or a ‘woman’ was utterly irrelevant to me. And then finally, in my early thirties... it was like a sunrise. The sky had been lightening for a long time before dawn actually arrived.

I think for me the big catalysts were 1) exposure to different identities and developing an understanding of what I could be and how I could present if I wanted, and 2) being in a place in my life where examining my identity felt safe. For a great many people, big identity revelations can only happen when they’re ready for them. Given the kinds of things I was dealing with in my teens and twenties, I’m kind of grateful it took me this long to get here. I feel like I can enjoy the journey of transitioning more than I would have when I was younger and less sure of myself.

How did you know you were trans nonbinary? From some one who is afab but might be questioning their gender.

I’ve never fully been able to answer this truthfully I think. The narrative that I tell my family is that a friend of mine from church came out when I was 12 and then I just knew but it’s really more complicated than that.

For me my whole experience being queer, every aspect of it, has just been one long slow burn. I never had an epiphany. I was just exposed to a variety of ideas and over time I slowly shifted and tweaked my perception until I figured out where I stand as far as labels go.

I think I’ve always known there was something different about me or that I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I just didn’t really have the language to explain why. And once I did slowly acquire the vocabulary I needed things started to move slowly into place. Nothing ever really “clicked” for me I think. Except for when I realized that I was gay. For the most part I just over time kind of settled into the knowledge that this is what I was and then I found the right words to attach to it.

I really took my time. I incorporated masculine clothes into my wardrobe slowly. I moved through my feelings about being trans slowly. I came out to everyone in my life, including myself, slowly. My life doesn’t really have a before and after when it comes to figuring out that I was trans or even a clear cut before and after I came out as trans.

Why am I trans? How do I know that? I can’t really tell you. It’s just a fact about myself that I realized as I got older. One that caused me a lot of stress maybe, but still a fact. Like how I came to realize over time that my favorite color was blue or that I want to leave my hometown or that I am a happier person when I’m apart of a religious community.

For me, being a genderfluid man just... makes sense. And being a woman doesn’t make sense. The more I move towards what I think I’m supposed to be, the more my life just makes sense. It doesn’t necessarily make me happier, though it is easier for me to be happy now. I just know because everything makes more sense when I’m living as a guy.

I know that’s not really a satisfying answer but like... that’s it. I never came out to myself. I never had an aha moment. I just slowly moved along a gradient from girly girl to who I actually am. It was a really slow gradient that probably started when I was about five and, I’d say, still isn’t over. I’m still figuring out stuff about myself. How exactly I want to express my gender, what surgeries I want, how and if I want my body and gender to factor into my relationships.

A lot of folks just always know. A lot of folks have a sudden moment of realization. I didn’t. I doubt I ever will.

[producersalem]

Hey anon, the way you’re describing yourself sounds a lot like the early days of my gender identity journey. I don’t know you, so I don’t know how much some of this applies, but I’m gonna talk about me for a sec and if this rings any bells feel free to DM me if you have questions.

I’m agender, but before I figured that out I told a number of people that I “didn’t mind” being called a girl or using she/her pronouns... and then I learned that for a lot of people their gender identity fits more comfortably than a resigned “this is fine, I guess.” So I came out as agender and discovered that they/them pronouns feel a lot better for me. I still like plenty of “feminine” things (you’ll have to pry my fluffy socks and cat plushies out of my cold dead hands), but that doesn’t really say anything about my gender or how I want to be perceived.

Now for top surgery, I never really wanted breasts. I started buying compression-style sports bras in high school in order to flatten everything down and hold it in place so I didn’t have to think about it (much to the despair of my mother, who used to badger me about “my figure”). That isn’t to say that there were never moments when I liked having breasts, or that any positive attention they received was awful to me, just that I never really enjoyed the experience of having them and in fact often outright disliked it. After processing some of these feelings in therapy and doing some soul searching (the idea of being visibly and permanently gender non-conforming was scary to me) I decided to go ahead and get top surgery. And you know what... best decision of my life. I enjoy not having breasts, instead of just being resigned to the way my body is shaped.

So I would say: 1) if therapy is an option for you I highly recommend it, just being able to talk through some of your feelings out loud might really help, and 2) what you want your body to look like and your gender identity are totally separate things, and they’re both things that only you get to make decisions about. Find what makes you happy, what makes you feel good, the things you enjoy, and follow that.

Is it weird that like,,,, um,,,,

I don't mind being called a girl. I like a lot of traditionally feminine things. Like, it's fine, I can be a cis girl. But also if I ever have the money for it I would totally get top surgery. I don't want any dangly bits. I just. I mean, if I could be an incorporeal, agender being I SO would be, but I can't, so I want to like... banish my boobs instead.

Is that weird????

Not weird at all! Your gender is yours to explore, and the way you present is also up to you. Boobs don't equal "girl". You can be agender and use she/her pronouns. You can like traditionally feminine things, no matter how you present or identify. If top surgery would help you feel comfortable in your own skin, then I say look into it! Your body, your identity, your life is your own. Do what makes you happy, you know?