procrastynol

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Oh to be the painter commissioned by Viago de Riva to fill his house with portraits of the most beautiful woman in Thedas

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I've seen Lucanis' family villa so I knew he was rich, but this banter made me realize that he's a rich boy who has no idea what money is worth lmao.

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my friend @astarionpavus and i were discussing how Spite and Justice probably have veeery different reactions to romances

(commission info // tip jar!)

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The 'Contact' (DA fan-comic) || Part 3

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 (here)

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Do you think Viago has a giant portrait of Teia in his house?

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Lucanis Lunchboxes Entry 8: Inedible Minestrone

What if Lucanis packed Rook lunchboxes with little notes in them throughout the main story?

I saved the best for last. This is my favorite one of the bunch. Oh Spite. What a guy.

Between Spite's interest in fire, his fascination with Rook, and I'm suspecting some lingering rivalry with Lucanis for Rook's attention, of course he's going to demand to cook for them.

What would you want Spite to try to cook for you? (He's open to suggestions.) I'm planning on writing more of these with the longer-term goal of modding these notes into DA:TV.

Maybe one day he'll even make something edible. We're all rooting for him.

***This is some fanfiction/fanart from an elder millennial (me) who is stuck in Thedas. These are NOT actual screenshots from the game.

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Someone needs to draw Emmrich and Harding on their camping trip

And by "camping trip," I mean their camp is physically divided like it’s the Ferelden version of the Cold War

Emmrich’s chilling in his silk dressing gown, sipping Orlesian wine on a chaise longue he either summoned or carried like a psycho, surrounded by mosquito wards and his stupid bougie shaving station existing in the corner. His nine books are floating around him

Meanwhile, Harding’s on the other side of camp, half-feral, crouched in the dirt with jerky in her mouth like it’s a cigar. She’s muttering, “Sure, Emmrich, attract every horny bear in a five mile radius with your fancy-ass shaving cream. Love that. Can’t wait to fight off wildlife while you exfoliate your delicate princely ass.” She’s built a trash fire out of sticks and sheer rage, and at this point, she’s two seconds away from chucking jerky grease at his mosquito ward just to see what happens

The whole camp screams “divorce court” and they’re not even married

She’s not telling him about the goddamn fucking bears in the Emerald Graves at the paws of which the whole Inquisition suffered mightily. He’ll discover that joy himself

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teiaaaa can i try rizzing you up? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE 🧎‍♀️‍➡️💍 full version ( warning: suggestive-ish )

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Somebody get this man some WATER

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bunch of Shae/Dorian sketches in various stages of progress, because I need to get it out of my system (and also I dunno which one to continue)

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Average family night at Villa Dellamorte

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I feel bad for Spite

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Can you imagine being one of Emmrich's students. Your professor decides to take a sabbatical. He's been at the university for decades so it's probably earned, whatever, you figure you'll see him in a year or so once he's had a break.

Turns out he took the sabbatical so he could help prevent the apocalypse. He shows up back at the university as if nothing changed, but there's a new lease of life in his skeleton son and a grade-A hottie on his arm.

You can't even bring your dates to the Memorial Gardens anymore becuase while you're trying to show your crush your favourite grave, Professor Volkarin is two graves down, openly canoodling with the aforementioned hot piece of arse.

What do you even do.

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Crow Rook, and Lucanis have a running bet.

If Viago can manage to say five words before he starts nagging Rook, the coffee’s on Rook.

They had to lower the stakes to three words.

Rook still hasn’t bought a single cup.

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Mary Kirby dropped some new Lucanis lore.

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Emmrich & Lucanis banter about/with Spite because it's a very fun angle of conversation between them

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imagine being illario and finally finding the resolve to kill your cousin right. you seduce and fuck a blood mage venatori magister to get her to do this for you. you figure you’ll eventually kill her once you are first talon, tie up the loose end and make it look good for you. a vengeance story! except when your cousin’s body shows up your grandma retreats into herself presumably out of grief and you’re like jesus christ he’s a corpse and still the favorite. at this point you start feeling some regret and at the wake you’re beside yourself. it helps to be really feeling some of that to fool everyone else. but months pass and your grandma still isn’t even discussing the inheritance and you have to be normal because you don’t want to incriminate yourself. and then a year later some random guy (worse if its a de riva tbh) shows up saying they need your cousin to kill an elven god (what.) and he’s the only one who could (insulting). and its at this point your grandma is like “lucanis died… but he is not dead!”. record scratch freezeframe. while you juggle with the fact that the freak woman you fucked specifically to get her to kill your cousin didn’t even kill your cousin AND your grandma didn’t bother telling you (for good reason ofc but she doesn’t know that), you have to lead these assholes to go save him and unravel your hard work. so plan b. you kidnap your grandma and push your (now possessed) cousin away (and then get mad when he actually walks away. because you’re like this). and when your cousin comes dangerously close to figuring out what’s happened with you and the magister, you kill the magister. you ally with those elven gods and venatori (you aren’t sure how you’re going to get out of this one but it’s fine. that’s a hill for future illario) to make sure you have enough backing to stand up against the other houses if they challenge you becoming first talon. you continue to gaslight your cousin into staying away, because if there is one thing you can count on, it’s his literal inner demons and total lack of a support group, you’re certain he’ll fuck it up by himself. you know this because his support group used to be your grandma (dubious) and yourself (lol). you’re almost home free. and caterina will definitely acknowledge you as a player on the board. which isn’t important but it would be nice, right. BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT. YOUR COUSIN HAS RECENTLY MADE 7 FRIENDS. one of whom can speak to the fucking dead because of course he can. and then some of those friends show up to publicly humiliate you at the dinner party that should have been YOUR crowning moment. your grandma ALSO shows up to tell everyone you have gathered that your cousin is first talon. your cousin gapes at her because he doesn’t actually even want it so it’s kind of awkward for everyone. and then when you’re sure he’s about to ask viago de riva to poison you to death, he actually tells him just to take you away. because OF COURSE he’s being the bigger person. anyways the point is i’m surprised illario just lets himself be taken away because if i were him i would have started biting people and then bombed the villa