prismaticforest

[prismaticforest]

A little introspective post about love.

I was thinking today that I am totally obsessed with love. Even in my most darkest and depressed of states, it always feels better to love than to hate someone.

I've been angry and hurt to the point that I don't ever want to see/speak to this person again, only to sometimes find myself bringing them back in. Not in the harmful kind of way where it's someone who is better off not in my life, but more the lighter, petty things that sometimes keep us apart. It always felt better when we've worked things out and I can embrace them, then to hold onto those ill-feelings and a past hurt that otherwise kept us from growing into anything.

I think the biggest issue for me is me is definitely my self-confidence. I'm often afraid that people don't really like me or care for me, and if I care for them too much I wind up feeling like a fool or get taken advantage of. I end up pushing people away and skip out on making time or attending any events with them.

My biggest problem of course, comes in the form of relationships. I have a hard enough time relating to other people in general, so anything romantic is extremely complicated.

I was talking to my brother the other day about the complexities of male/female differences when it comes to hetero relationships. We have our own brains and it's almost always one-sided. I'd say the majority of men feel women are the cause of many of their problems, whereas the majority of women feel men are the cause of their problems.

It's unfortunate really.

Although, I do find that most men generally are more loyal in the idea that they have a sort of code that's internal. What I mean by that is, they seem to have better rapport with one another than women.

Most men I know have either maintained long-term friendships with other guys they've grown up with, or wind up finding a 'constant' friend some point in life.

Most women I know cannot say the same. I don't know what it is with us girls, but we have a hard time getting along with each other period. Most girls I know are quoted as saying "I don't normally get along with other girls, I prefer having guys for friends."

But there are guys who do much better with girls, too. Of my brother's 3 best friends, only one of them is male, and the other two female.

My brother often says the hard part about guy friendships is the pressure of the ego, and in our society, it's the whole masculinity complex. My brother's always been more sensitive and intellectual, book-smart and socially awkward. His whole life guys have picked on him and pushed him around, but my brother has seen right through them. There's only been a few in his life that have gotten to know him and found him to be a good person.

I'm familiar with the ego myself, and have been the victim of many poorly-constructed pick up lines, sexual innuendos, and how-to-get-laid traps. I know that it is just normal instinct of a human being to seek out physical contact and intimacy, but for myself, it's always held a much deeper meaning and the desire is lacking without knowing the person on a certain level.

To each their own, honestly, it doesn't bother me what people do. Just don't get angry with me when I don't behave the way you want me to. That's been another downside to this whole trying to navigate the romantic world. I've always attracted certain types.

I wanted to list them here. (Please note: this is NOT in any way, me hating on men. OK? This is me describing the few types of people I've come into contact with and I seem to regularly attract.)

1.) Arrogant, cynical, selfish type. This kind of guy thinks he's special because he thinks outside of the box and is "in-the-know" of all the dark secret workings of the world, and is a social outcast because nobody understands how great he is and it's their fault for it. All of his problems are the world's fault, and he's the victim. He's very controlling and aggressive, having to prove his dominance over others and his girl. He will talk down to me like : "Oh sweetie, you're so cute, you don't know that. I will have to show you how." Or "Oh that's adorable, but you're wrong, and let me tell you why".

I think this type is attracted to me because I am a submissive personality, not to the point of brainless follower or never speaking up for myself, but I do have a hard time saying no, and I'm always trying to consider everyone and make people happy. I have that people-pleaser side and these types seem to seek me out because they feel I'm easy to manipulate and do what they want. Sadly, at one point in my life I was in a relationship with one such a this, for months. I don't know why it took me so long to realize he was mentally abusing me.

2.) Sensitive, immature, seeking a mom to love them type. These guys I feel sorry for, they're not necessarily bad, and I am drawn to those who are inward and sensitive toward others. I'm not using sensitive negatively here, just that...they're not quite at a mature enough level. They also get easily hurt and are very clingy, and need you to take care of them. Like you basically become their mother in a sense, and I just don't want to be my partner's mother, it's very creepy.

My friends have said I have a very maternal way about me, and my friend's children often cling to me. That's fine. But not for my boyfriend. And unfortunately these guys seem to flock to me. Yes, I have dated a guy four years younger then me.

He was very considerate and I'd just gotten away from my type 1, so it was a refreshing change. Then it got weird. His mother called me a week into it, and was in tears saying how happy she was that I was in her son's life and that for a fact she was eight years older than her husband, and there was nothing to worry about the age difference. I felt weird enough since her son was nineteen and I never dated anyone younger in the first place.

We'd get into these ridiculous 'fights' and I never even knew they were fights, until he'd call me and say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say what I did. I hope you were OK. I get so mad sometimes, but I really need you in my life." and I'd be over here like uhh what? when did we fight?

We’d be kissing and cuddling on the couch and he’d suddenly start crying and hug me close, saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wouldn’t know what to do if I ever left him (awkward pressure) and I’d have to stroke his hair and “shhh” him to calm him down. It’d kill the mood and I’d feel totally guilty for not returning those strong feelings. 

Then he started talking about our future, our section 8 future where we'd live on government money and I would work and come home and make him dinner and we would cuddle and play video games. He never finished high school (dropped out at sixteen) and did not intend on graduating or working, ever. He wanted to enjoy life.

Meanwhile I'm just thinking this is a casual thing and I'm not even entirely sure I like him. 

It was REALLY hard breaking it off with him too. He called me nonstop, crying and whining, begging and then getting angry. I had to turn off my phone. The next day I had like 82 missed calls. I talked to him only one other time, and he tried to guilt me by saying he started smoking again but he “gets why” I broke it off, because he was “so mean” to me. He didn’t get it, so I changed my number and that was that. 

Years later he sent me a message on facebook trying to say he’d changed and met someone new, only to close his message begging me to talk to him again asking why we couldn’t just be friends, and that he was sorry for how he treated me back then. I still don’t get what he mean, but I suppose he blames himself. I never responded.

I learned then that I can’t have anything casual if the guy starts displaying signs of super-attachment, I need to cut that shit off RIGHT away. I admit part of me was using him, he made me feel loved and safe, like this was an innocent teenage romance (I didn’t get to experience one because I never dated as a teen). 

No, as a teenager I was incredibly awkward and insecure and terrified of the opposite sex. I dressed really plain, in baggy clothes and I never did anything with my hair and when I did start wearing makeup I had no clue how to wear it, so I looked TERRIBLE (hello raccoon eyes and smudged lipstick). I had a crush on my best friend’s older brother, but there were NO secrets in that house. I made the mistake of telling my friend, and of course not only did he find out, but so did the rest of the family. He had the manipulative thing going for him to the point he was taking advantage of his parents. 

He was a Type 1, my first experience with this kind. He was incredibly smart in school but also struggled with huge self esteem issues and suicide attempts so he dropped out. He didn’t get along with his dad, didn’t respect his mom, and talked down to everyone like he was so much better than everybody else. Yet I was dumb and naive and thought he was “so cool” and “misunderstood”. He was my struggling outsider I thought I could fix (we all get one, but if we get more we obviously haven’t learned our lesson). 

Anyway, he took advantage of my feelings because he was lonely. He’d pull me way from his sister and we’d hang out. We’d have these “deep talks” in his room or in the car. We never kissed. He’d hold my hand or hug me or brush my hair back, but that was about it. We want on this unofficial double date with his sister and her first boyfriend, and saw this ridiculous movie. We then went to her boyfriend’s house after, played video games and broke off from the two to give them some alone time. I went for a walk with him and he held my hand, but I guess we were out there for a while because his dad drove up and we were getting picked up to go home. 

Anyway, he started seeing another girl. She was petite and cute and to my surprise, fourteen. An eighth grader. He was a junior in high school. I was pissed. My first experience of being ‘dumped’ for a younger girl, and I was still a teenager.She wasn’t that pretty, she had sunken in cheeks and furry brows and other guys said she kind of looked like a guy. It’s not nice I know, but in the moment I was so shocked...like how terribly unattractive or undesirable I must be if he wanted her more. 

It was for the best, he pressured her into having sex a few months into the relationship and I heard they later broke up while she was in high school because he got aggressive and tried choking her. It just sucked at the time having to be around them whenever I was with my friend, and my friend had even stirred up drama by using something I said to her and his best friend about the new girlfriend. It was bad to the point that HE got pissed at me and I couldn’t come over, and his girlfriend apparently cried because of something I’d said. I also had the unfortunate fate of crushing on his best friend, who became my friend while we were both hating the new girlfriend. 

Of course my best friend told him, I don’t know WHY I continued to trust her with her big mouth. He then texted me telling me he didn’t date ugly girls, and I was crushed. He was a jerk, and he hid our friendship at school. One time after school I didn’t have a ride, and he offered to pick me up...which I was thrilled, but he wanted me to walk across the street and pick me up at the shopping center because he didn’t want anyone he knew to see. By this point I just accepted it, and figured this was better than nothing. 

I didn’t get much luckier after high school either. I started college right after, and I met this older guy in my math class. He was so handsome, and he noticed me right away. (I had this transformation senior year, I learned how to do my hair and makeup and started buying nicer, girly clothes that flattered my figure and this carried into college). He seemed nice and sat with me and we shared our notes and helped each other with our homework. He’d wait for me before class and we’d walk in together, and he’d walk me to the parking lot after. He used to invite me to parties but I wouldn’t go because I was too afraid, too shy. 

Anyway, after the class was done he revealed he had a girlfriend. He acted like all of the flirting and compliments were nothing, and it’d been fun and he was done. Thank god nothing ever really happened, or it’d probably have been a lot worse. Still it sucked....I remember crying on the drive home that day. 

It was really hard for me to trust anyone, and my self-esteem had been virtually crushed by these guys. So by the time I agreed to go out with my Type 2, it was the FIRST time I’d been with anyone who was genuinely NICE to me. I just needed something simple and sweet, without the pressure to be something more. 

But that got weird fast and well, it’s been irregular and unfortunate since. 

Anyway, this is why I don’t really put myself out there anymore. It’s frustrating and often a blow to my self esteem more often than not. 

Yet I still remain hopeful that it could change...one day. 

The sweetest relationship I’d ever had, was with a friend. I wrote about him all over this blog...he was so beautiful, inside and out. A brilliant mind, a fiery spirit, my shining star. We fell for each other but we’re star crossed, impossible. He moved back home to England and I just know I’ll never get there. We continued writing but...as he said, words are all he can ever give me. 

We were in regular contact for 2 years, but lost touch. Our last message was in 2014. Then, surprisingly out of the blue he sent me a message in April of 2016, stating he couldn’t bring himself to forget me, despite how hard he tried. He was wishing me and my family well, and that he often thinks of me and prays that I am safe...and he also stated he has yet to read my last message to him, couldn’t bring himself to do it, but keeps it with him everywhere. He finishes in saying my prayers must have something in them, as he’s passed a barrier he never thought possible in his life. Selfishly my first thought is he’s found someone else, found a way to make it happen for him. Sad, right? It’s been almost a year since then.

It’s pretty much my cue to move on, and yet I cling to this because it’s all I have. My busted heart...

[prismaticforest]

How does one even begin...?

How does one even begin to describe or explain the reason of my being? The...why and the how to my reactions and behaviors and damages? Is it not something you keep to yourself, to not burden or concern those around you?

Recently diagnosed with DPD, I cannot even begin to describe the motives behind my peculiar ramblings and anxieties. And where it all comes from, that time as a child, an abuse my mind has mostly blocked out, but my physical body remembers. I walk around so insecure, so ashamed, and people do not seem to understand.

I’m frightened and easily left feeling displaced and unwanted, a burden upon those who enter my life.

How do you begin to tell them, to let them in, on this dark and dreary secret?

That there’s more to you then they know. Could they even handle it?

I am in this place where it would seem almost selfish of me to insist upon them my needs in place of my weakness, while they are all dealing with their own lives and troubles and have their own concerns.

Why should mine be of any value or placed above any of their own?

Sometimes I feel it would be easier if I were all alone, without anyone to worry or for me to worry for.

But...someone like me could not handle being alone. So alone and detached from myself and fearing I’ve been wandering in a dream for too long, that my own existence is an illusion.

Painful and cold and disconnected to my surroundings...like a shadow watching time continue forward but leaving me behind.

Could anyone even possibly understand, without fearing for my sanity?

[prismaticforest]

And so he loved me

...Once upon a time.

We haven’t spoken in a year, and I feel this is his way of letting go. Creating distance, remaining speechless, allowing silence to push us apart until we’re nothing but a passing dream.

But to me it will always have been real.

I realized his feelings, feelings he’d made known to me, in February of 2014. He’d written me a letter so heartfelt and loving and filled with yearning, I cried for days. When I brought his words to the attention of others, they too were able to confirm the love he had for me.

Except it was never to be.

I fear it is much more painful in knowing we shared this love, but it could never, ever be.

As troublesome and hurtful one sided love can be, this was...even more unexpected and heartbreaking then I could have ever imagined.

Yet there is some happiness, some relief that there was a shared importance, a grand disposition, acknowledgement of our intimate experience. 

I am capable of being loved. And those words have forever imprinted themselves on my soul, and I’ll carry him with me forever.

[prismaticforest]

Melting yet still cold

I'm in this dreaming state now, rendered silent and unable to think of anything else, my focus centered on this one person. It is not easy though, to feel this way about someone so far away. In mind, in body, and perhaps even in his heart...the distance is so grand, and yet I keep him close regardless. Reminded of his ways, of his words, and the way those eyes pierce right into your very soul...confirming a truth that means something to him.

Sometimes I waver, feeling myself drifting further away, helplessly, hopelessly as it seems the inevitable is shortly arriving. Sometimes I feel the fear that comes from that, and yet I remind myself that there is purpose, and I can still carry on.

Moments...but there are these little moments late in the night when I'm victim to my curious thoughts, pondering over every little detail and turning over every memory as if not to lose them. I couldn't forget even if I wanted to.

His gentleness...his brokenness...it's a tormented whirlpool of chaos and destruction, a painful void that beckons him into madness, that calls him to a solitary life. I clutch onto him tightly, and wrap my hands around that fragile heart of his and try to force myself inside, but I know it's only hurting him.

Those countless times I'd catch him in rare form, bearing a rawness that he seldom allowed even himself to recognize. It was just too much, too soon, and perhaps never meant to be. That fondness in his eyes, that beautiful, warm smile and alluring voice would fade all too quickly, replaced by that piercing blade of warning, haunting despair and that tormented expression quickly returned. 

The smile evaporates into air, and the eyes distant, cold, and his voice silent, all words returning to their cage within his restless mind. Taking back those strong hands, lowered weakly to his sides, limp, defeated. I'm forced to relinquish everything just as much as he is forced to lose all of those things that could have been. 

He is denied happiness and I am denied mine. In these two matters I feel my selfishness will always bear the other half, rather then sharing in something equal, balanced, and honest. I wish I did not consider myself in this, or play a part in this as to claim a personal stake in the wellbeing of this complicated man.

My feelings for him are so strong...that I allow the distance to pool between us. I make myself silent, even though my insides are screaming, pleading with me to cry out into the wind so that it may reach him. Silent prayers in the night that go unheard, I clench my fists and tell myself this is all for the best.

I have to let go...of the one person I love, of the one person who has ever truly accepted me, and loved me for who I was.

This conflict is just too great, and I fear there is nothing but further loneliness and despair between the two of us. 

He's told me before there is nothing here for me, he cannot give me what I am seeking, and in return, in my defeat I too cannot give him what he is looking for. I fear that I cannot even give him what he needs, and that...is just too difficult to bear.

At one time I had looked forward to every meeting, to every word and syllable that crossed those handsome lips...to allow the sounds and vibrations of that soothing, haunting voice melt into my very core, and embrace every word and take every meaning to heart. To feel those piercing tawny eyes bear down over me, invading the innermost parts of me and recognizing all things, both good and bad, and accepting them, loving them, and adoring them as if each thing was precious.

He'd take me apart, pull on every petal and cherish each one, and I knew in that moment that this person...knew me from the inside out. This person accepted who this person was, and even more so, he loved her for it. He adored me, he looked forward to our meetings and kept every word, tossing them over in his head nightly. I was his Phoenix, an inspiration, a light, whose eyes could pierce below the surface, and whose hands could gently pull him outside of that prison.

However I feel as if those days have long passed, and I wonder if all of it was simply a graceful illusion. A beautiful dream of another life, now wasted away, burned through like another day, washed away like the sea over the shore, leaving nothing to identify or remember it by.

Disenchantment, disillusionment, perhaps he's fallen out of that spell and has moved on. If only I could bring myself to do the same...

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever fall out of this haze, if I'll ever wake up from the hypnotic stare of those eyes from the past. The eyes that sought the truth in its purest form, that stared deeply into mine until it was as though our minds were one. 

I'll forever miss the moments that were shared with my other half, of a time when I meant just as much as they meant to me. That brief fragment in time where everything could just stop...and we were almost complete.

[prismaticforest]

Visceral Prerogative

(image by rtil on deviantart) 

The words need time to come to me, but the emotions have come first and I felt that I should mark this space.

I just can't seem to forget about you, no matter how much I try to tell myself it is for the best to move on. Worlds apart and yet you have become one of the most important of people to me. 

Part of me recognizes that things would most likely never work between us, and yet I can so ignorantly refuse to accept reality in favor of you. Whether things are truly one sided or not, honestly it hardly matters anymore.

I find faults in just about everyone who has come to me, all in search of exchanging those feelings and affections. In humanity's pursuit for love and finding our other half, I have had many an affliction of the heart. Yet for the first time I find...very little a flaw in you, and if there was such a thing as perfect, you come the closest.

Still I continue to ponder under this vast sky that connects you and I both, and dream far and wide, hoping that by any slight chance it will reach you there. Even when it seems the better, and more possible are brought to me, I cannot seem to shake you from my thoughts, never far from my heart.

Sometimes I try to persuade myself to follow these distractions, and search for the practical and what may be most right. Though even when I try nothing feels right, and perhaps in that I am cheating the other person when it seems only you permeate my every thought.

Rejection of what is right for the sake of following what is wrong, perhaps I am foolish to pursue something so futile and out of reach. I fear I may never feel this way again, and the reality of settling for much less is nearly unbearable.

Perhaps I am selfish to cling onto you this way, and stubbornly maintain my focus on something so surreal. But for now, it is just too difficult to imagine a world where we are separated from one another's lives completely.

All that I really want is to have a moment with you, frozen in time under the dark, star filled sky. To sit atop the hill of your homeland to the place you spoke so fondly and wished to show me, and gaze down at the land that raised you, together. I wish to grasp your hand tight in mine, and lean in close, resting against your broad shoulder, and take in your earthy scent. To hold you close and take in all of the warmth, and erase all of the pain and sadness and whatever else may afflict you. 

Together we could be...

[prismaticforest]

A photo an old friend took and posted today. I used a rainbow overlay, since I have an obsession with prisms and spectral lighting. It is serving as a symbol of hope and togetherness. Many people I love and care for are quite a distance away, but we all live under this same sky. He returned home much sooner then expected, and it seems he had not been able to tell me. We are writing now, and though the distance is difficult to fathom, being given his words again has...restored a bit of hope in me. 

[prismaticforest]

Only For a Moment

Why is it that in life, the ones we want to be closest to, seem to be so far away? Furthermore, why is it that the ones who hurt the most, seem so drawn to me, and seek the things from me that I cannot give to them? 

How do you tell someone who is hurting so much, that your heart is reserved for one person, and this one person only? Even if that person doesn't acknowledge those feelings, or even see you with their eyes. 

I feel like a mother, the nun you confess too, a symbol, a figure people go to in order to seek acceptance, understanding, love, affection, warmth, and peace. I'm no saint however, and though I wish I could bring these things to others, and fill in the areas of their lives where they have been wounded, neglected, and feel lost, alone, and afraid, I fear there are greater expectations I cannot fulfill.

I am but one person, and I can't be the one that they want.

So quickly do these lonely, wayward strangers become captivated by me, but I feel they only see what they want to see. Accepting good feelings, and hoping to continually receive even more, seeking the ultimate satisfaction in love, and yet we have only known one another in such a limited amount of time.

You can't fake it, you can't force it, and it's devastating when feelings are one-sided. I know this pain very well, and I hate being on either end of it just as much.

You are dear to me as my friend, but unfortunately I can't be much more. It pains me to have to let you down in this way, but there's only so much I can give. 

Why, why is that the one I wish to give this is unable to accept it? And the ones who extend themselves to me, I am unable to accept them. 

This unbearable cycle, I'm uncertain the reasons behind such things. 

[prismaticforest]

Sing for the Lion and Lamb

You cannot convince others to see, when they were not gifted sight

Those that walk in darkness, convinced of lies as truth, know only darkness and thus darkness is their reality

Three...an odd number, but a symbolic one. One, two, and four don't look as complete as three, one in the middle and one complimenting each side, creating a perfect triangle. 

We are born into one life, but in that life we are not really alive. In this life we are blood, bones, and flesh, beating hearts and thinking brains, developing emotions and earthly senses. All that is tangible, all that is logical, all that is there before us, is what we know of 'real'. Lies and truths are a blur, and we are brought up under various dictations, and left to decipher the world to us on our own once we are grown.

This chaos, this mess, this painful realization...everything fallen upon us at once, a loss of innocence, a loss of faith, a loss of everything we once knew and believed in. Sacrificing hopes and dreams for practical use and grounded ideology, rational thinking and realism, living in the now as we know it, and making from it what we may. 

At one point we may feel as though we understand enough from the world to draw our own conclusions of what 'truth' may be. What is understood offsets what isn't, and we'll convince ourselves of these things, but still there are many things around us that remain unanswered. We're unsettled by the delusions of the ones that look to the sky, the ones that pray, the ones that seemingly throw caution to the wind and lift their burdens to the celestial realm and appear foolish. 

Caught up in waves of foolish people and their harmful actions, a history of oppression and violence, it's easy to dismiss it all. It's easy to lose sight of one thing, and allow the mess around it to swallow it whole, and make the whole image appear distorted, broken, and chaotic. It's easy to say it's all broken, and nothing good comes from these things, from these people. 

Convinced of the sorrow, the pain, the anger, the prejudice, the violence, the hatred, the bitterness, the greed, the pride, the control and manipulation, oppression, abuse, and brokenness...

We like to blame it on one thing, when this is really a reflection of the whole world, of humanity. Always in need of an answer, always needing someone or something to blame it on, if not anyone, something must take the responsibility of this. If it's not me, it's you, if it isn't you then it's them, and if it isn't them, then it's God. 

Taking truth out of context, break it up, and it can be whatever you want it to be. Because they don't want you to know, they exist and they don't even want you to know they do, because for such a world to exist would bring you closer. 

Closer to the realization that you aren't even alive.

We, the walking dead, so filled with thoughts and feelings, we see a world around us, we feel things, and we learn so many things. In this understanding we acknowledge we are living, and what is understood, is real to us. 

There's a shadow in our hearts and we're left feeling hollow, desperate to fill the void with anything. Be it knowledge, love, understanding, power, appreciation, sex, drugs, fulfillment, we're always searching, we're always wondering, we're constantly fighting. If we aren't learning, we are denying, shutting out the world and living obstinately with ourselves and our beliefs.

Closing our minds and hearts to the things that are just too painful to accept, that are just too complicated to understand, some of us are weaker, we can't numb ourselves down naturally. No, in order to forget we'll drown ourselves in these harmful things, continually inject, drink, cut, breathe in, swallow, and ingest these dangerous chemicals to just escape, to stop feeling, stop thinking, and just float high above the world, away from the mess, away from the pain, and disappear. 

There's a veil over our eyes that we don't even see. Out of mind, out of sight, it's hard to make much sense of things, when we're unaware that we're blind. Speaking as if we can see, and it just doesn't make sense because darkness is all that we know. How can one speak or even begin to understand of things that we have never seen?

Yet some manage to slip through the cracks. They've listened, they've heard, they've felt it deep within, and suddenly they were lifted. Lifted higher than any person, experience, or drug could ever do. A purist of pure, a feeling so light and powerful, it isn't even a feeling, nor an emotion, it goes beyond words and human experience. A light brighter than all lights, pierces the mind and sets inside the heart, and fills you so greatly, you wish to be in this presence always. It feels like home to you, and you start to remember the innocence of childhood, the comfort, the safety you were denied, the familiarity of this, of what you truly are.

It's so powerful, that it can heal the scars you thought would always be there, that not even professionals could help you through. If you can accept the light, if you open your heart to this, you'll begin to see. The veil is acknowledged and ripped from your eyes, and everything feels less terrifying, less confusing, and less painful. In this we are born anew, a brighter star, an recognition of purpose, of validity, of life. 

In this we've reached the second phase of being, and a whole new way of life on Earth. We acknowledge an age old promise, of a third life, of a soul being cast from the body, and born anew after death. In that, there is the third phase, and eternity.

It is something that can't be proven anywhere except within the heart, a sacred promise, an understanding, a truth that is confirmed within the being. You and your star, the light, the entity, the omnipotent and omniscient being and creator, that understands the deep and complex structure of these beings called humans. We come from this, and we were made of love. This place, is a place of love, and real love can only be known when bathed in this light, when introduced by this light. 

What we thought we knew, what we call real, wasn't even close. It's a huge relief to acknowledge something better, something higher, something greater, and the burdens of the lies seem to weigh on you less and less.

So long as you continue to see the difference, to see the light, and follow the truth that was written in your heart, you will be just fine. No matter what ugly deed may befall you here, what horror you witness or experience, or the suffering of others, one day it will all come to an end. All those things will be healed, all the injustices will be brought to justice, and we will be home, reunited with the light once more. 

No spoken words, nor written, nor illustrated, can determine or sway your beliefs, or change the person you are, or make the person you were meant to be. Truth is what is given to you, what speaks to you, in the heart. Confirmed by the light, only you will know what you must do, and no one else can tell you any differently.

No matter what, trust in yourself, in your instincts, and don't rely on others to give you your future. No one can promise you anything in this life, no one can save you from yourself, nor can they completely destroy you, for you are more then just the blood and the bones from which you were born.

You can't find all the answers within science and nature, there will always exist that one thing you cannot see nor hear with ordinary eyes and ears. This is the way of the world.

The one who writes this, knows very little still, but has been touched by truth. They may be misguided, they may make many mistakes, but they are still only human. We are not perfect, whether we acknowledge truth or not, we are still flawed, but to understand this, and to continue to work toward changing, is a way of life. 

We are not forgotten. Everything happens in its own time, but continue to try. The weight of the world is heavy, but we are not alone. Take what you have been given, and make good use of it. You are necessary in this life. Whether you have seen the light or not, you are treasured. 

[prismaticforest]

What Should I Do?

 ~~~

When I let you go one step further, my eyes overflow with tears

When you walk away one step further, more tears start falling

As you go away to a place where I can’t reach you,

Even if I reach with my hands,

I can’t catch you, I can only cry

  What should I do? What should I do? You’re leaving

What should I do? What should I do? You’re leaving me

I love you, I love you, I cry out to you

But you can’t hear me, because I’m shouting through my heart

  All day I try to erase you, but you appear in my mind again

All day I try to say goodbye, but you appear in my heart* again 

Although you went to a place where I can’t hold you

Even if my hand reaches out for you

I can’t find you, I can only cry

  What should I do? What should I do? I can only see you

What should I do? What should I do? I love you too

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, can you hear me?

Please come back to me, if it ain’t you, I can’t go on

  What should I do? What should I do? I only have you

What should I do? What should I do? You’re leaving

What should I do? What should I do? You’re leaving me alone

I love you, I love you, I cry out to you

But you can’t hear me, because I’m shouting through my heart

~~~

  (English translation to Korean Song)

*Heart- I swapped the repeated 'mind' with 'heart' 

[prismaticforest]

One Sided?

So here I am, sitting here like a fool, staying behind in the past waiting for you to come back. It seems you've already moved on and left it all behind, making it as though it never was, and leaving me to live in this world as if it were simply a dream. Now I'm filled with doubts and feel like this was but a delusion, and what was said and done were falsely projected into my wishful heart.

I continue to look in your direction, my eyes seeing only you, this heart only recognizing you, but it seems you can't even look my way anymore. So far away, as is you want to keep it this way, and maybe I'll just forget someday. What am I supposed to think when everything that was, is suddenly no more? No words, no movement, not even your gaze to know that you haven't completely forgotten who I am. Was I ever anything to you at all, other than the girl who gave her time to you?

For some reason this pain hurts worse then being left by someone I used to see. Dating was never really important to me, as it was like you said, a game of seeing who is at the same rung of the ladder, climbing endlessly, going rung for rung, but it isn't lasting nor are the goals really the same. What purpose is there other for the sake of doing such things? 

You spoke in such a way, that I never had the chance to tell you how I really felt. You were searching for that special person, as I have always been looking for mine. I really wished that you didn't see me as some careless person who seeks attention in worthless things, or temporary satisfaction in trying to force what isn't there, for the sake of pursuing baseless affections. 

Even now I cannot be sure of your true opinion of me, but I sincerely hope it has not been tainted by those things. Misunderstandings seem to be a continual curse of mine, and I used to feel that we were understood enough that you could overlook my flaws, and sometimes even embrace them. I miss the way you would smile at me, stare deeply into my eyes in order to find that person you truly believed was there, and brush my hair back behind my ear.

You'd tell me that you didn't mind when I was forward, or perhaps slightly off with my words, or perhaps I haven't thought something all the way through. I'll draw back insecurely, and yet I can't hide my smile from you, and you'll just say to me how much you adore my impish smile, and the way I try to hide myself away from him in that insecure way. 

The way you used to call me a unique beauty, the kind that was this way inside and out, and when you said I'd never become obsolete to you. Because of you...I believed you...everything you said...

I hate being this girl, I hate being vulnerable and foolish and naive, and yet I let myself be that way with you. Why did I date that stupid guy? Why did I tell you that I did? I came to you when we broke up, and I felt so hurt, but why? Why when you were there? Why did I have to see anyone else? 

I'm sure your opinion of me changed that time. You probably felt uncomfortable around someone like me, with my circumstances. Of course toward the end I started recognizing my feelings for you, but I was too ashamed. Why had I been with someone else, if I felt for you? Why would I feel for you, too soon after being with someone else, if I were supposed to feel for them? You probably would feel like I was the fickle type, when in reality, this whole thing happened so quickly.

If only we met first, I would have never accepted his offer. I was alone, and I hadn't liked anyone in a long time. Family and friends thought it would be a good idea, I was often being encouraged to 'put myself out there' more, even though I often felt dating for the sake of dating wasn't my thing. 

And then I met you. And you were so inspiring to me, even from afar. I was always watching you, admiring you, from a distance. Even before we met, I knew of you, and your beautiful writing. I heard your words and I felt them in my heart, before you ever even knew I existed.

For some reason I was drawn to you, and I had to make myself known to you, at least once. I went out on a whim, and did something completely out of character for me...I approached you. I probably wouldn't have, if I had known about your following, about how well acquainted you were with our peers and the kinds of people who admired you the same. You see I'm a fool that way.

Much to my surprise, somehow, you saw something in me too. Maybe not initially, but you kept coming back, and we continued conversing, and then you decided you were going to 'stick close' to me. You were convinced that there was something there, not quite visible or true in form, but you were going to be the one to find her. I wanted you to, because I felt that I wanted you to stay by my side, out of anyone else. 

Honestly, I didn't expect things to turn out the way they did. I really didn't count on these feelings, or that we'd have anything in common. Suddenly it was like we lived in the same world, despite being so different, it was as though we were similar in this way, and were meant to be brought together. For the first time, I felt that someone could see the girl behind the mask, you saw that she was afraid, but you were kind to her anyway. 

You were the first person to accept the heart of the shadow within, and encouraged her to come out. With you I felt at ease, and the pain and sorrow and shame of my past could rest, because with you I didn't feel so foreign and unwanted. Things may have happened gradually, we may not have seen one another often, but the time and the distance helped things to grow as they did. 

You had your time to think, and I had mine to feel, and in our time apart we could recollect ourselves and return with more to say and express and learn from one another. In this way we lived and carried on, and continued to grow stronger and closer.

We progressed from casual acquaintances, to someone you accepted as your friend. As we were sharing and learning as friends, you began to grow with that, and change, showing me more and more of your true self as well. When we first met, I was under the impression that you were a bit cold and stand-offish, stern and firm in your beliefs, and could debate your way through, and back it up intelligently, as you did in those panels. You researched and studied and read and knew these things inside and out, and spent a great deal of time thinking and theorizing and living in this internal realm, I wondered how you truly felt about some of these things. Your opinions never fully clear or certain in the way you express yourself, I was often left in awe of you.

Then I started to see the warmer side, the gentleness, and the consideration of the one that is you. Your fascination with human thought extends to that of human beings, and though you may not be as open and welcoming to strangers as I, you are respectful, and rightly cautious in selecting the ones to be close to. I felt honored that you brought me in as one of them, and I only wanted to be closer.

Perhaps this is when it began? Did I overstep my boundaries?

You began to make jokes, and I recognized this playful side to you. You'd try to cheer me up, and even pull me into a warm embrace, something I didn't expect to get from you either. I suddenly felt that I could open up to you, and I felt bad for bringing my problems onto you, but you listened. You comforted me, even if you seem uncomfortable, and I apologize for that. 

I felt as my friend, I had to be honest with you, trying to overlook these feelings growing inside of me, as I was to remain true to the person I was seeing. I casually mentioned that I was seeing someone, who I foolishly referred to as 'one who understands me'. He didn't understand, not at all, but rather was a selfish, arrogant addict, and if I had stayed, it'd surely ruin me in the end. 

After the break up, you comforted me...and I really wish I hadn't placed you in that awkward position. I should've kept it to myself, and allowed it to end as it should, so that you didn't even have to consider it. Regardless of your feelings, or how you saw me, I would have wished that the time had been shared between just the two of us. Because of that, I couldn't be honest with you about how you made me feel, because I felt ashamed.

I also wished to keep our friendship, the kind of relationship we shared was too special to be interrupted by such foolishness like my feelings. I didn't want to make anything uncomfortable for you anymore, and I didn't want to change what we had, because I didn't want to lose it.

You started growing closer to me, playfully teasing me, and spending more time with me. You'd engage me more and more, often coming to me with curious questions and thoughts, and we could just sit there and ponder the sky, together, sharing in the same realm of thought and feeling. 

You'd pull me close, and tell me how much you valued my presence. You'd confess that you too, felt understood by me. When you told me that you only felt swayed by the thoughts of your favorite philosopher, and me...to even put me in such a category, I was beyond feeling. That night I felt so close to you...and I allowed myself to believe that you were accepting me too.

You'd scold me when I thought less of myself, trying to cast away my doubts, drying my tears and telling me I was beautiful in your eyes. That was all that mattered to me then and it still does. I told you it was believable coming from you, and you...and when you kissed me...

I wanted to believe that I was yours. 

If everything could have just stopped then, if we could have just remained there in that time and place, forever, I could be happy.

Instead you had to recant, and insisted you hadn't meant to act so quickly like that. You felt it was 'enough' for the evening and had some other business to attend to.

Later you'd say things were becoming complicated, and we'd have to 'start over', as he feared I was becoming something worth growing attached, and he didn't do well with accepting anything that could be lost.

I wasn't sure what to do or say, and I tried to consult a friend, who felt it was too soon after my break-up to act. If only my friend knew, my true feelings were with him, and not the one I broke up with. 

We'd talk less and less, and we didn't see one another as often. Time continued to grow and push us further apart, and your responses came later and later. You told me you'd be leaving in the fall, but now it seems you've left even sooner.

How can I accept this? 

Everything started out so perfectly, and then suddenly, it ended so quickly.

I couldn't handle the pressure, and I wrote them all...all of these feelings I've been keeping to myself, all of these thoughts, and I gave them to you. I entrusted this with you, and I waited for you.

A month goes by and everything's fallen silent. You're no longer around, and when you are, your eyes don't even see mine. You'll walk away and pretend you can't hear me, and the world falls further away from me.

All I have with me is a weak whisper...why?

Why is this happening?

My stupid feelings...I wish I had kept them all to myself. I wish I could have that time back. All I want is to hear your words some more...just tell me everything's going to be okay. Ask me questions, share your thoughts with me some more, and we can pretend like those troublesome things never happened.

Don't you see how painful this is? The kind of life without you, after knowing you, and to know have to live without you, feels almost impossible.

Left without an explanation, I feel used and abandoned, unwanted and foolish. I want to say that I still believe in everything you said back then, that at least our friendship was real, and that we truly were understood.

But with each passing day, it feels like your avoidance of me is an attempt at crushing and erasing everything from that time. My memories are fading away into distant dreams, and I worry about their validity.

Did I simply imagine you? Were these things ever really anything but passage of time? 

Perhaps in the end, you found what you thought you saw inside my eyes, and it wasn't what you were looking for.

I've seen that disenchantment before, so I should be used to it by now. I only wish that you didn't have to see it in me...

I'm sorry if I let you down. If only I could have one more chance. 

Or perhaps I am so selfish, clouded over by my own thoughts and feelings, I'm overlooking the obvious? It's hard to say from my point of view, but maybe you're suffering too?

Saying things like the fear of growing attached to something you could lose, or having anything to lose at all. 

Was this all out of fear? You said something like this happened once before, but it was another time, and something you'd rather not talk about. 

Was I stupid not to ask, despite you saying you'd rather not? 

Is it really easier for you for us to be apart, then to carry on our friendship? 

Perhaps I should be more considerate of you, and I'm sorry for being so weak like this. 

I just don't understand how cutting me out entirely can be helpful. Even if the circumstances wouldn't allow us to be together, I honestly would sacrifice it all, just so we could stay friends. Even if you'd never feel the same way that I do for you, I could live with that, as long as you could stay near me.

But what about you? I wonder, would it be unbearable for you, to just be friends? Maybe that's more wishful thinking...

How do you feel? I wish I could ask, but I have a feeling you wouldn't reply. Are you done with words? Are you finished with me?

I wish you would say. Just say anything to me at all.

Silence is so hurtful, more then any words. I think even if you told me I meant nothing to you at all, at least having that confirmation would allow me the closure to move on properly.

Isn't it cruel leaving me to wait, endlessly guessing and feeling, holding out my hopes and believing in things in the past?

No, perhaps I'm thinking of myself again. I'm sorry. 

These days you're all that I think about it, and it's just so difficult for me because you see, I've never felt this way before. About anyone. And I just don't know what to do anymore.

[prismaticforest]

Shadow of Doubt

Lost within the confines of this human realm, overshadowed by large, man made edifices of stone and steel, and land paved over in cracked cement where every twist and turn, there is a throng of people headed somewhere, all with some place to be. Roads filled with automotive transport, carrying even more people, with several faces peering out from behind glass windows, several pairs of eyes viewing the world from their own perspective, and a mind filled with gathered experiences and memories. 

Their very gaze powerful enough to stir the insides of the being who feels privy to the life form collecting their personal data, processing their image and possibly judging it behind the guise of sacred thought whispers. This instills an array of thought and feeling into the one being looked upon, and depending on the person, they can be feelings of pride, insecurity, anger, confusion, joy, curiosity, lust, frustration, shame...these feelings may linger, or they may pass just as quickly as the eyes that glanced their way. Fleeting, brief observance only soon to be taken out of mind and left to be forgotten forever, replaced by the more important matters at hand.

Either way, the moment was a validation of life acknowledging life, and the ever-present feeling that we are not alone, and yes, we are being watched. 

In a moment in a store in the middle of somewhere, I briefly met eyes with a person who I had first come into contact with in primary school. Only a small child at the age of six, my eyes found this entity as they took in their new surroundings. The mind remembers such irrelevant things, and though this person has now grown into a young man, the facial features and especially the eyes, have remained somewhat the same. The being within is still the same entity I knew then, but has grown and changed in order to adapt with its surroundings, and has taken to its maturity as it left childhood behind.

I was sure in that moment, to that person, I was but a fleeting stranger, an unknown face among the many masks that surround us on a day to day basis. Perhaps my eyes were familiar, when he stopped briefly, or maybe it was just in my abrupt appearance as he turned the corner, that his movement slowed temporarily? Just an object in the way, I felt somewhat at ease in knowing I was a mysterious entity, and though I knew much about this person down to his first and last name, he knew nothing of me and mine.

The nothing-encounter sparked another thought then: While living in the same city where I spent most of my childhood, and in the similar surroundings where we have encountered one another before, about how many times a day, or in a week, do we pass one another without acknowledging this? How many times have we been in close proximity of the ones who know us and that we know, or have come into acquaintance with at one time in our lives, on a regular basis?

The 'sea of faces', the background people and street commoners, these strangers we put off to the side on a daily basis, are they all really strangers to us? If so, how many people live here if they are constantly being swapped out with fresh, new, unfamiliar strangers? Surely we have seen these people before, but we just never noticed.

Perhaps the mind isn't meant to recall such things, as we aren't meant to know everyone around us. Yet I remain fascinated by the idea, of remembering each and every face, being able to attach personal qualities and traits, and even names and memories to all of the individuals I've encountered over the years.

But then to have such memory, others would have to remember myself, and I'd rather they didn't. I'd rather remain this ambiguous entity, that enigmatic shadow, the girl in the background that closely observes, but isn't being closely observed in return. 

I'd rather bring only the good things to the surface, and keep as many flaws to myself and buried somewhere deep. 

I wish only for my strengths to be appreciated, for my skills to be praised, and my light to be seen. I think that's what everyone wants, isn't it? Or perhaps I am being too subjective.

[prismaticforest]

My Starlight

I feel blessed by these shining stars, and their thoughts of me, hearts beating in resonance with me. And you...you are the brightest of them all, my dearest. Our recent interactions have become more intimate, and though I entertain the idea of us being more, I fear it would be like chasing a hopeless illusion. This little fantasy I've been building up inside my head, I know someday I will have to confront reality, and recognize that we'll soon be guided further apart. 

I sense our destinies will never lead us to the connecting path in the end, but rather it has been written that we shall meet only to someday depart. Of the many fleeting faces I've come to briefly know, I feel you are the realest of them all, the most sincere, and with the eyes to see into my heart. If I had any choice at all, I'd keep you closest to me always. I will hate to see you go away for good, and I know when the moment comes, I will be plagued with a deep and aching sadness. The kind of sadness that won't easily subside, I'm sure.

At one point I was sure you were on a very different level of existence, so deep within yourself and your thoughts, you'd probably never ever consider me in such a light. 

Yet recently, I feel you have left me with conflicting feelings and thoughts. Your words are going beyond intellect now, and are reaching out to me with hints of flirtation and amorous affection toward me. You hold back, and tell me you fear attachment, as this would mean he would have something to lose in me. Briefly you tell me of another time where this has happened, but it wasn't really a story to tell, and it wasn't something that could change now. 

You say you love my strangeness, you love the way I bring myself out in my writing, and you love my self-consciousness when I present myself. Praises before this, you never included the words 'love'. You say you enjoy listening to me speak, and that all of my words are precious to you...every little word.

When I made a little joke, you said you liked the way I said our names intertwined, and that the things I say make you think of them everyday. You always want to respond to me in the best way you know how, and that I have this way of making you think, of bringing you outside of yourself in a way that no one else can. 

You see the best in me, and so much more I feel. I wish I could express to you the same, and show you just how much you mean to me, how great and wonderful of a man you are, and all the potential you carry. I feel I got a little carried away when I told you I adored you, but...perhaps it needed to be said? I feel it is a gentler word, a tamer word, then what I could have said.

Our last few conversations have become something more, and I haven't been able to clarify my thoughts enough, or get around to saying the right words to you. I feel like each time our moment together ends, I haven't even begun to say what I've wanted. I worry I'm communicating all of the wrong messages, and only driving you further away, until you return to me again. I think about you everyday, and can barely tolerate the moments in between when I do not see you, and when we do not speak. 

Being in your presence, and speaking with you, I feel as though I can finally breathe again. I don't want to take up too much of your time though, so that I can cherish the next moment we have together. 

Recently, you've come to show admiration of me in other ways. Appreciating my appearance, brushing my hair with your gentle hand, staring into my eyes in such a way, and complimenting my smile. I feel you watching me more than ever before, and I don't want it to stop. I want to stay in your spotlight, and bathe in that light until...until I am accepted as something more to you. 

Perhaps we're flirting with disaster, foolishly pursuing these baseless affections, knowing that it could never end well. This distance plagues the both of us, and I fear making a game of this is like tossing a dagger back and forth. We're riding a sinking ship, pretending to be sailing through the crushing waves, but someday...this joy ride will end. Time is rarely on one's side, and is always so fleeting. 

When you told me we were going to have to start again, I told you I was happy we met regardless. That no matter what, I'll always cherish what you've given to me, the moments we've spent together, and the words exchanged. This person mean so much to me, and I'll never forget the one who swam the seas of the inner consciousness of thought and feelings, the way we have.

You are my precious star, the one I look up to every night. Thinking of you, whenever we are apart, and wherever I or you may be. 

[prismaticforest]

"Love is the power to see similarity in the dissimilar." -Theodor W. Adorno

Photo from Deviant Art; artist Semsei, entitled "La jeune sirene et la statue" 

[prismaticforest]

Short Story or Tragedy?

I cannot decide whether this is the result of a bittersweet short story, or the dramatic twist toward the end of a tragedy.

I feel like in those rare opportunities, those limited openings, you can discover something you never thought you'd ever find. 

And then, while looking at it closer, you realize you can only ever look at it. It doesn't matter how much you reach for it, it'll just fall away from you eventually. 

Maybe I should just be happy to have been given the chance to see it at all?

Part of me feels like I wish I hadn't, though. Knowing it exists, is painful, because you see things like that are unique. There aren't really replacements for such things, and when you find something special to you, you hold onto it close. 

Because you see, it's not often that these things happen more than once in life. 

Yet I also know, some worlds can never cross.

I am but a sad, peculiar, and foolish girl who desperately wishes to be understood. She yearns for depth and affection, and to live knowing she is alive, and to feel that she is among the living.

These words are all but speculation, gathered from scattered words and phrases, and placed together by inference. 

In the end i feel, I am but a silly idealist, who hopes and dreams of things that just do not truly exist. A child running in the fields of fairy tales, soaring through the skies in belief of this thing called 'love', throwing it all onto a bet and casting it within her heart.

Imagining being admired from afar, would be good enough for her. A love that could never be, rather than the love that never was. 

[prismaticforest]

Relating to a Character

Have you ever read a story, or watched a film that intrigued you so, you felt that in one of the many characters you could relate to the most? I'm sure many have, at least once at some point in their lives. 

For me I've had many occasions where I felt I could certainly put myself in their shoes. 

One recently, is a strange and not well-received character from the hit TV series 'Mad Men'. She was only a guest star, taking on the role of Beth Dawes, a woman who sort of became a fixation of the slimy Peter Campbell character, as he's slowly falling apart on the inside. 

Her few lines and appearances, really communicated to me however. So what is there to relate to, with a 60's housewife with an awful, unfaithful drunkard of a husband that sends her to shock therapy to alter her personality and mood? 

It was her sadness, the kind of a life she felt she couldn't quite fit into. She spoke in a way that communicated to me, as a person with a great deal of internal conflict and perspective, and not many in her life ever took her seriously. She saw the world through eyes of depth, but had to take on the role of a very simple person, who had no control over what she wanted. 

Beth: "I've had men paying attention to me since before it was appropriate. They don't care what I say. They just watch my lips move."

The way she talked about pictures of the Earth, and feeling so small and insignificant, and so far away from it all. She just wanted someone to be close to, someone to listen and know her as a person, not what she could provide. 

She participated in an affair with someone she could never really be with, someone she couldn't have. She just wanted to know what it would be like, to be loved in such a way. To feel important, valuable, and to be heard. She shared these things with someone else who felt they could relate, someone who understood her. 

I may be looking too much into something that isn't there, but this is how the character translated to me. Feeling like a fleeting existence in this large and cruel world, where many things are beyond our control, and we're left with a world inside of ourselves as our only escape. But when we spend too much time on the inside, we forget how to live on the outside, and many times disappoint not only ourselves, but those around us.

In this way we find unhappiness, and feel a stronger pull from the void that has attached itself to our being. 

Her final moments with Peter, were the most telling. Showing a smile, hearing a laugh, and sharing in a lover's embrace before the end. She knew things would be different, that this moment would be erased, and a new person would emerge. 

I felt like that was very sad, but it also communicated to me a part of reality. People expect so much, and if I can't change who I am to appease them, then I will never know life. But if I change who I am for the sake of others just to live life, I will never know a fulfilling life, or happiness.

Pete: "When it went away… He was heartbroken. And then he realized everything he already had was not right either. And that was why it had happened at all. And that his life with his family was some temporary bandage on a permanent wound."

The life we're told to live, and the life we want to live, neither one is easy to achieve or make possible. 

I feel this is a dilemma we all experience, and it is a decision we must all make someday. 

My heart feels pulled toward someone that...I honestly believe will never ever be. There are so many odds, and most of all, I have no clue how he feels about me. A deep thinker, I am sure he has considered the impossible and the improbable, and has already rationalized about it not working out and moved on. If, he were to have thought of it at all, anyway.

I can't even be sure he would ever even feel such a way for me, let alone consider it for just a moment. In the deepest part of my heart, I secretly wish this to be true, at the very least, a consideration of me. To have been thought of in that way at all, really. 

To find someone in this world that truly understands you, that knows you from the deepest depths, and accepts this...you don't want to let it go.

My thoughts travel to the one that thinks in great consideration of the world and others.He listens to me in a way no one ever has, and I feel is the only person that knows who I really am, and accepts me this way. 

Life...doesn't like to give you what you want. Instead it dangles it there before you, mockingly, because even if you reach for it, you'll never know what its like to hold it in your hands and call it yours. 

[prismaticforest]

"La vita dell'amore, O dilette del cor mio..."

[prismaticforest]

My Place

My place is not with the people who gather in crowded plazas, ogling precious gems and labeled materials and exchanging baseless gossip in the daylight, sucking down toxic chemicals to free their suppressed souls, dancing like crazed animals in the moonlight.

Born an outsider, a stranger to these ways, a prisoner to herself and a slave to the mind, I have always existed within the shadows of mankind. I seek those who seek answers from history, who think deeply into the fragments left behind by our ancestors, those who find freedom without the need of toxic chemicals, and can reach far beyond the limitations of the closed minded society. I yearn to know a true human being, a man in search of the true human being, and to find understanding through their eyes.

Here I accept only depth and substance, a powerful base of feeling and thought, and ever the search for knowledge and understanding, a connection to the truth, a realness of life. In a world aplenty with shallow, baseless, ignorant fools who thrive off temporary high’s and pleasure seekers without any basic understanding of reality, it’s difficult to make any sound connection.

They do as they are told, and while thinking they are rebellious, are simply following a crowd of others who do the same hoping to be going against the norm in turn are doing what everybody else is doing for the sake of doing it.

The desire to be seen as unique, to stand out among the rest and be viewed upon as one of the best, this is human nature. Competitive, cruel, cold, selfish, and vain…we are creatures of habit and obsession, and follow what we feel makes the most sense, and hope to achieve greatness, and be accepted by the masses. To follow, to feel like we belong, and perhaps even to be followed, as if anything we do will matter, and make us feel of greater importance.

I however, wish to be alone in my madness, but to be acknowledged by one great being. To be seen as one who is set apart from this world, a rare sparkling gem among a mess of rocks and glass imitations, a genuine valuable.

Not that I wish to be a diamond in the rough of man, no. I could care less if I were to be just another rock on the mountainside, a speck of dust in this wasteland of sand. To blend within my surroundings, this is all that I know.

I wish to be held dearly to only one; one who seeks truth and substance; a realness beyond the throngs of fools and vanity, to go deeper into the consciousness of man, and to be held there in their gaze and see a reflection of a true human being.

I wish to become yours, and continue to spin my illusions hoping to draw you outside of yourself, and feel a little closer to the truth you seek. I want to be your muse, stirring your passions, fueling intrigue and inspiring greatness, to revive what was once lost in you and be your fiery phoenix. Set aflame the icy walls of your cold prison, freeing you from this lake of ice, and granting you the warmth of my burning heart. What kind of a world could we find if we partake in this journey together? Side by side, with your hand in mine, I wish to see this world with my own eyes.