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[princerezashabazz]

A Post to my Best Friend 🍉 March 11th 2018

Its 5:35AM. I’ve just finished my last prayers, and once again, it was encompassed by the thought of you. 

Loving you was easy. Taking care of you was my favorite past time.  Having deep conversations with you was my favorite thing to do in the whole world.  I thank my God every day that I was able to have you in my experience.  I’ve written you letters where I’ve expressed my immense gratitude for you.  I know I mention God a lot, I hope that’s ok. He has been the only one that has been there for me during this dark phase in my life.   This is about to be another sappy sweetboii blog post smh.

Somewhere along the way, I lost that.  I forgot to be grateful for you and the things you’ve taught me, the love you’ve given me, the support you showed me.  You were going through a lot of emotional and mental pain, and you needed more time than I could give.  You needed more support that I could show, and during the time you needed me the most, you felt like I abandoned you.  I felt like I was emotionally drowning; I thought in  my world of positivity, how can I somehow help you be happy and whole again?  I’ve tried. But it didn’t occur to me that the only thing you’ve ever needed was the thing I didn’t have enough of: time. 

You never asked for much.  And that made me want to give you the whole world.  But you didn’t want the world, you just wanted me; the full, unequivocal, loving, caring me.  As time went on, I felt like our space and energy was always off.  I couldn’t make you happy by just hugging you like I used to; I couldn’t make you feel better by just speaking to you about positive things.  My patience wore thin, and I asked you to find yourself so that we can thrive and be together.  It was a tall order to ask of you.  After all, you were in a place of mind where it was dark and all you wanted was my support. I cant imagine being sad and unable to explain why.  It must have been so hard on you. 

The truth is, I didn’t know how to do that.  I had no idea how to balance everything and also make you happy.  Before, I was able to make you happy with just a phone call, a hug, or even a text.  I was lost.  There were times at night where I would ask God for guidance on how I can make you better, but the truth is, I knew deep inside I needed someone else’s help.. I needed your help.  I needed your help to help you feel better.  Over time, our space and energy became more negative and it became toxic.  So, we broke up. 

In my eyes, splitting up with you meant that I could still be there for you without the commitment of making you happy because I know that that is something you’d have to cultivate on your own.  In hindsight, I should’ve let you go completely and not strung you along.  I was afraid to see you with someone else, because I was convinced that you were the one I wanted to be with.  I thought, “God blessed me with such a wonderful individual, maybe right now we aren’t compatible individually anymore, but I’ll give it time and she will figure it out.”

And that’s what happened.. You’re on your way to figuring it out.  When you came to Malaysia with me, I remember waking up one morning and you were helping my mom in the kitchen.  I stared at the both of you, smiling, and thinking to myself, “wow, two of the most important women in my life are in my peaceful country with me.”  And for the first time in a while,  we’ve been fighting quite a bit before this but at that moment, I felt at peace with everything in my life.    

I made mistakes.  There was a girl who I had to talk to during our break up, and even though I can’t take it back, I hope you understand there was more to me than this.  I hope you can forgive me one day for not being truthful.  If there was anything I regret, it was me not being honest.

I didn’t get back with you after our Malaysia trip because I realized that things hadn’t changed.. you were still going through quite a few phases in your life and I knew that being in your life would only hinder you from finding true happiness.  So, in my eyes, I was preserving our relationship for the long term.. because if we had gotten back together at that time, we would have just broken up again. I had the upmost confidence that you will work to find yourself.. and I thought to myself, as soon as you do, then you’d be available for me to love fully.  

Towards the end of 2017, I realized that you were doing things that made YOU happy.  You were out with friends, you traveled a bit more.  You were  doing things that helped you and only you.  I was so proud of you.  It was ironic that in order for you to do this, I had to step back.  I was happy to see you happy.  I could see in our text messages that you were being distant.. I’d ask you to come over and you’d be dismissive.  I’d tell you I miss you and you’d ignore them. The signs were there.  

So, you lost feelings for me.  I drifted apart too much.  I prayed God for two things: 1. To make sure you’re happy; 2. To help put the right people around me.  Well, he answered both those prayers for me. 

On the night of February 7th, we held each other one last time.  We kissed each other, we hugged each other, and we thanked each other.  You told me you needed space to figure it out.  We even told each other that we loved each other.  So it hurt me immensely to find out you actually already had someone else at that time. :/

Your self happiness and self love was the most important thing in the world to me.  But such is the paradox of life, in order for you to find that, I had to take a step back.  You might be thinking to yourself, “well Reza, you shouldn’t be talking to other girls if you really loved me.”  And you’re right.  But I know where my heart is truly at, and it was you.  But I know that it may be hard for you to believe.

I’ve always preached to you about acceptance and gratitude.  I’ve accepted everything that has happened.  I am appreciative of our memories.  Only God knows where we both will end up.  But I hope one day you’ll forgive me for being unable to cater to you during your time of emotional need.  All in all, you were my favorite.  I’m sorry things didn’t work out.  

I hope he treats you well, better than I could’ve.  I hope your family loves him just like I hoped they would love me.  I pray that he makes you a better person just like you did for me.  Most importantly, I hope he understands you and is always appreciative of you.  It took me a while to understand that love is not about possession, its about appreciation.  So for now, you are unavailable for me to love, so I’ll love you from a far – maybe not in a romantic way; but in a way that I’d love something that has passed away.  And I’ll hold on to the memories that we cultivated, at least I can still appreciate those moments.

Please never give up on your dreams.  Never ever give up.  I know those dreams you have may seem impossible, but as you understand that there is nothing in this world you can’t do, please never give up.  You made it through 100% of the bad days you’ve had, so don’t ever let anything get you down.  Don’t give up on pharmacy school.  If you truly want it, I know you can have it.  If pharmacy school is no longer a desire for you, that’s ok.  Whatever it is you want to be, please understand that you have the ability to do it.. You just have to believe it first. That’s all I’d like to say. 

I know a lot of what was said was written in the 23423423 letters I wrote you.  My apologies for being redundant.   Maybe you’ll read this post, maybe you won’t.  But in either case, it has helped me tremendously.

Take care. 

[princerezashabazz]

““If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from it you cannot flee.””

— Umar ibn al-Khattab (RadiAllahu Anhu)

[princerezashabazz]

“If you really depend on God, then everything will fall into its proper place and be made clear to you. Take the means you can, but do not get attached to “what you want”; be open to the “whatever is best” principle. Trust in God and instead of asking Him to give you what you want, make du’a to receive from Him what is best for you.”

— Karim Serageldin

[princerezashabazz]

We often wonder why God gives and takes, constricts and expands. What we forget is that human beings understand things by their opposites. Without dark, we can’t understand light. Without hardship, we wouldn’t *experience* ease. Without the existence of deprivation and loss, we couldn’t grasp the need for gratitude or the virtue of patience. And without separation, we wouldn’t taste the sweetness of reunion. Glory be to the one who gives—even when He takes.

- Yasmin Mogahed

[princerezashabazz]

““To all those suffering from sadness or depression, know that it isn’t your fault. It isn’t because you’re weak. It isn’t because you’re just not grateful enough. It isn’t because you’re just not religious enough. It isn’t because you don’t have enough faith. It isn’t because God is angry with you. To all the well-meaning people who tell you this, just smile. And know deep in your heart that the tests of God come in different forms to different people. And know that, by the help of God, every test can become a tool to get closer to Him. And that, verily, with hardship come ease–and like all things of this world–this too shall pass.””

— Yasmin Mogahed

[princerezashabazz]

“Beware of what you let enter your heart. There’ll come a day when you’d give anything to remove it.”

— Yasmin Mogahed

[princerezashabazz]

I just stumbled upon your blog and kept reading. This however made me stop and pause: the illusion of attachment is a painful distraction. How does this relate to relationships? I enjoy spending time with my friends, I would feel upset should something happen to them. Life goes on,if it should, I know that too. I don't understand how attachment can be a painful distraction. What about love, finding someone to share your life experiences with?Is this not an option when trying to find inner peace?

Attachment is the antithesis of love. Love is freedom and acceptance; attachment is fear and rejection. 

If you love someone and you fear losing them, then your love is forced to share its space with that fear. Instead of simply having there be 100% love, the presence of attachment opens a doorway to many harmful things. 

When you love someone and you fear losing them, you will be willing to do all kinds of useless and violent things in attempt to keep it in place. All things are impermanent and they will change and move on regardless of your attachments. Therefore to be unattached is simply to be in harmony with the free flowing nature of reality. 

This doesn’t mean you care less about that person. It means you love them all the more. 

In today’s society, we take attachment and sadness as signs of love. How foolish that is! Love is the only sign of love. All else is immature half-baked expressions of personal preference. 

Love and acceptance divorced from personal preference and desire are the foundations for compassion, which is a very important component for any spiritual path in the modern era. It is the genuine wish for all beings to know happiness and peace within themselves. 

Attachment would mean demanding them to know that happiness with you alone. What if your friends are happier when they are by themselves? What if the person you love does not harbor the same romantic notions toward you? You cannot afford to be attached to circumstances being a certain way, or you will bury the natural radiance of your love beneath a pile of resentment and trash. 

Love only ever comes from within. Attachment means mistaking love to come from circumstances and people and things. Being unattached means leaving more room for love, not less. This is because love does not come from anywhere. It is the radiance of your own existence. 

If you’d like to learn more, I’d highly recommend the book The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron. 

Namaste :) much love

[princerezashabazz]

being my friend means you never have to apologize for texting back late. you can respond four days late or drop off in the middle of a slow conversation and that’s okay! i know you’re busy or tired or just don’t have the energy to text anymore. you can hang up a phone call and start texting me instead. it’s so hard to do social interaction. i get it. send me a meme once a week so i know you’re alive. i love you.

[princerezashabazz]

GIVE THIS MAN A RAISE

[princerezashabazz]

[princerezashabazz]

waitress: hello what can i get for you?

me: oh just some chips and guaca(6.02 x 10^23)e thanks

[princerezashabazz]

how would you even start sex like kiss kiss oh ok look im inside you

[princerezashabazz]

[princerezashabazz]

Aww

[princerezashabazz]

The price of excellence is discipline. The cost of mediocrity is disappointment.

William Arthur Ward (via itsquoted)

[princerezashabazz]

Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don Miguel Ruiz (via psych-facts)